Waiting is Painful. {Part 2}

Yesterday I left off half way through sharing the hardest parts of my second pregnancy -- emotionally, as I waited for a VBAC.

39 Weeks. On Jasmine's 2nd Birthday.

So today I'm just gonna dive right in and finish it up.

• Through my pregnancy, well at least once we moved, I swam laps for exercise. I loved it. But it was a love hate relationship. Because every time I went I felt like I was fighting for it --- fighting for the ability to VBAC. And so I had to face my fears and myself every day in that pool. Usually about half of my 30 mins was spent talking myself down from a place of worry about something, and then those sweet endorphins would kick in and for the rest I was able to just glide and forget. I was so grateful. Those workouts were one of the only things that kept me sane during my pregnancy. But there was one day where I was just so full of deep, deep need to "win" (win what? Win back what I lost I guess. I wasn't sure. But it was strong.) that I couldn't calm down like I was used to half way through. I just stayed tense and mad. So that day I swam like I've never swam before or since. Just full speed. Like my life depended on it. Pulling my body down the lane with every single fiber of the muscles in my arms, while my legs furiously fumed at the monsters behind me. I went until I thought my heart might just explode, and I kinda considered how that might be bad for the baby, but I knew I had to do something in the pool that day. I didn't quite know what it was, but I was going to do it. I spent the rest of my lap time doing that, until I finally felt like I swam fast enough to leave what ever monster was behind me, behind me. And I left the pool feeling accomplished but worn clean out. That feeling comes back to me sort of regularly. The memory of all that.

Why it turned out ok:
Well I did a couple posts (1 & 2) on why working out while you are pregnant is a good thing. And I am so sold on that after my experiences. I'm so glad I did those work outs. They were so important to my hormonal emotional stability that Blake would tell me to make sure I got those work outs in because he could see me starting to crack when I would miss them. And doing all that hard work really did pay off. I did not gain as much pregnancy weight, I looked better and felt better, and I was much more able to keep up with labor this time.

• The next hard thing was this trip to the doctor. For insurance coverage on chiropractic care, I had to go to our college health center. (Blake's not a student any more, but the system is dumb and gives him student insurance.) Where doctor, a non-OBGYN doctor, told me about how scary and deadly birth is and how since I've had a c-section I would need another one. And I had to sit through that so I could get a tiny bit of insurance reimbursement for chiropractic treatment. (Which he lamely told me would not make my pelvis bigger. That's when I almost rampaged. But instead, I just nearly-yelled how I didn't want my pelvis any bigger I wanted proper alignment.)

Why it turned out ok: It was the only reason I ended up going to an ICAN meeting. Which I got an immense amount of healing and help and support from. AND I got to prove that guy really really wrong. And I never had to see him again.

Waiting is Painful. {Part 1}

I really don't know why this just won't leave my head. I don't know if its some residual emotional healing I need to undergo or if maybe this post might encourage or prepare someone else.  But I just CANNOT get it out of my head.
I haven't had time to sit down and do it but my thoughts are starting to just overtake me.  So I'm gonna start typing.  It's gonna be long.
(So for that reason I split it in two parts.)
I'm not sure who's gonna wanna read it but I'm putting it out there!  Have at it!

I'm gonna share the hardest parts of my second pregnancy -- emotionally -- all regarding the fact that I REALLY wanted to VBAC and was really scared I wouldn't be able to, because of maybe physical stuff like pelvis shape, baby size & position and that kinda stuff, as well as things like labor stamina sans epidural and such.

39 Weeks. On Jasmine's 2 year old Birthday.

Much of the time I didn't feel like I had the emotional control to make it to the end of my pregnancy without needing to see professional help.  And likely it would have been a good idea, but I didn't know where to turn.  The few times I attempted seeking some, I didn't get anywhere.

Like I said, I don't know why I need to do this post.  So I'm not totally sure the angle I'm gonna take, so hold on to your hats as you ride this one with me.  I'm not gonna pretty it up, or hide my crazy, or the emotions I'm embarrassed I had.  I feel like I need to write them out.

My Birth Stories -- Behind the Scenes

There was a reason I sought so hard after a VBAC...

June 2010

I was near my due date with my first baby.  

I was still fully anticipating the easy natural labor I assumed I would have.  My mom had done it.  I would too.  

I got out of the bathtub, walked towards the sink,

and clearly heard:

"You are going to have a c-section."  

It wasn't scary, malicious, or ominous.  

It was peaceful.  

I was sure of my plans, though.  

So I said,

"God, I don't think that was you... 

 But if it was --- then I trust you."  

And that was the start of my journey.  

A VBAC Is A Story of At Least Two Births

*To Read my First Birth Story, click here.*


Sunday, July 8th. (I’m 41+5 days pregnant based on charting my ovulation.)
I stayed home from church while my mom (who had stayed in town since my castor oil event), Blake, and J went.
I had been avoiding church for the last weeks of my pregnancy.  Well, it wasn't just church, it was people in general.  It's really hard to avoid being spoken to about your pregnancy when you are so visibly pregnant.  And I just wasn't mentally sound enough to answer any question whatsoever about it to anyone.  So I hunkered down at home.  I didn't think God would mind.
While they were away I guess I had a tiny bout of nesting.  But I just felt like cleaning a bit myself.  My mom had been so sweet to have been keeping up with the house for me, but that morning I just felt like I really wanted to do it.
While they were gone I also looked up a birth story on a friend's blog.  I had been feeling discouraged the day before from still being pregnant. (Having been induced at 42 weeks last time, I was still unsure my body really knew how to labor.) And I knew this friend went into her 43 week before she had her baby so I read her story.  I got to the part where when she was checked (before labor) she was 2 cm dilated and 65% effaced.  She needed to deliver the baby soon.  That night she took castor oil and went into labor.  I was instantly encouraged.  I thought if she could go from 2 cm and 65% straight into labor, then I am going to go into labor too.  So the rest of the day I had a much better attitude than I had been having.

The whole day I was feeling really uncomfortable.  The baby felt really low and my pelvis hurt.  I felt different than I had before, but I was not saying anything to anyone because I had already thought something had been happening so many times before only to find out "not yet."

She's here!

She's out!
Little Lady #2 was born at 6:10 am this morning. I had a successful VBAC delivery! (I still can't believe it!) And now we're getting to know each other and getting some rest. She was 8 lbs, 4 ounces and 21 inches long. We'll get some more pictures and story up later. Thanks so much for all of your prayers everyone, it went pretty much as good as possible.

And

 Thank You, Jesus!

My 40 Weeks (?), or Something Like That (41 weeks?), Brain

I haven't felt much like writing here lately.
Mainly, because I am really whiney.
I don't want to lie and write a bunch of happy fluff on here.
Because I've been trying to be as honest as I can muster through this pregnancy.
But I also don't want to sit down and commiserate, because it doesn't do anything for me, but get me going on longer and longer complaint-festivals.

This is My Kinda Math

So you remember how I was 40 weeks last week?

Guess what...

I will be 40 weeks

on Thursday now.

You have entered the time warp with me!

Time no longer exists.

I just sit here floating in a bubble of waiting, 

I don't know what day it is. 

I don't know what's going on in the world.

I just know...

"You need to come out!"

So... yeah.

Talking things through today at our appointment

it was brought up that, in general, my cycles are usually a week longer than the standard 28 day cycle. 

And upon reviewing the results of my sonogram (done back in IL), 

we decided I'm not really due until July 5th.  

(And you might not believe me, but I didn't even bring any of it up.  

God must have lined it up for me.)

So I've had a week put back on the clock.

You have no idea how much stress that takes off my plate.

No more freakout-this-is-the-end! mental state, this week.  

Hopefully that will help give me the state of clam I need for my body to kick it into gear.

Which, believe me, we are trying to do.  

So Am I 

40 weeks again 

in this photo?

I guess so! 

Well...

actually I'm 39+5 in this photo.

;)

(But in all reality....I know I'm 41 weeks. We just are ignoring that for now.)

Rebuttal

So this week,

I've had a lot of contractions,

I've had lot of (TMI) bloody show.

I've had tons of promise...

But no baby yet.

Dear Little #2...

Dear Little #2,

I'm sorry I've been trying to rush you out.
I get it now.
It's not up to me to say what is, or isn't, a good birthday.
Its not my birthday anyway. It's yours.

40 Weeks Appointments and Pictures

Cue the strobe lights and the music

"She's got the Look. She's got the Look. And I go la la la la. She's got the look"

Yeah,

That's right, I'm waddling down that run way.

Waddling-Waddling.

I have never felt anything like this.

I'm told the baby is still not right down on it, but let me tell you, I did not get this sensation last time with J. I don't think J ever got anywhere near this close pre-induction.

I don't feel like I can bend anything to do with my pelvis.

I actually got a step stool out so that I can get into bed. And even then its kinda a production to get both legs on the bed.

I think my 2nd-time-around belly finally trumped my 1st-timer belly.

Its currently 13.5 inches bigger than before I got pregnant this time.

Up until last week I had gained 27lbs.

This week I'm up to 29 or 30 lbs.

I think I'm retaining water now, my legs feel puffy.

At least I'm hoping I didn't just add 2 or 3 lbs to the baby in a week! Eek!

I don't really think I could have, I've been eating the same as I have been. But even more salad than normal -- tasting great to me!

J's Birthday

Well #2 has officially vetoed my idea for the girl's to share a birthday.
Or maybe she filibustered?
Either way.

Honestly, it would be too exhausting for me to try and be whole heartedly honest about the day.
I'll just say it was a really-hard-emotion day for me. And throw in whatever comes out as I type.

I was so proud of my gorgeous girl, and so happy to have had two years with her.
And I wanted to be fully present for her happy day.

But this year was way more emotionally trying than last year. Last year was hard to face the anniversary of my c-section. This year had that issue going for it plus, the fact that there is someone inside me about to come out. And well, I'd like it to be soon. And well, I just don't know how it's gonna go.

39 Week Appointments...and stuff

First, let me just say,
"Hello Mood Swing!"

Which, in this case, is not a bad thing.

Tuesday (after my horrible Monday) was so good.

Thank you, Jesus, for the mental reprieve!

AND

photos!

(I think the belly looks bigger than last week, but it measures the same. Maybe its a different shape?

The belly button is as close as it's ever been to popped. It sticks out when I sit. And its a bit "puffy" when I stand.) (Never popped out at all last time, just got shallow.)

Still no new stretch marks. (Just a bunch of old ones. :) )

And I seriously did the clothes matching picture on accident this time. Weird, as I have been doing it on purpose the rest of the time. But I just happened to wear this dress that day. I forgot I had a 39 week photo last time. (I thought I skipped to 40.)

Its so weird to see them side by side, 

my belly is such a different shape this time.

Honestly, I feel like the baby-bellies are equally big, just the first time it was all up and down, and this time its lower and pointing out. 

(However, Blake always says I'm smaller this time...what a good guy! :) 

38 Weeks

Honestly,
I've been spending most of my day trying to decide just how honest to be in this post.  And another good portion of my day trying to figure out what honest is --- because I don't even really understand all of my emotions at this point.

Truth: Today I'm feeling in the depths of despair.

Truth: Most of this week was good --- physically and emotionally.

We're Not A Mystery to You

Song: Watermark - "Mended"

The day was getting heavier.
Just slowly weighing me down.
The clock is ticking.
And I know I have more time.
But I hear it.

38 Week Appointments

Warning: If you don't wanna hear about my inside parts, you may just wanna skip this whole post. I don't get graphic or detailed, but I do share the news of my appointments.


Wednesday I had my 38 week prenatal appointment.
The night before I was starting to feel tense. I wasn't sure if I should be told my dilation and efface-ed-ness, or not -- for my sanity sake.  I couldn't make up my mind. I knew I would be curious. But I also know it doesn't really mean anything at all. (You can be a a three for weeks with nothing, or go from zero to baby in a couple hours.) So I had sworn I wouldn't be told a word. But since I said ok at a previous appointment, now I was lost on what I wanted to do.

I was having a hard time sleeping, with all my emotions.

In the morning Blake took me and J to the office. (I wanted to do a membrane sweep and was nervous to drive home alone the 45 mins if contractions started right away.)

The drive was beautiful. I sat in the back with J. She watched "Tangled" on the dvd player. I stared at the clouds. There are some days where there is just nothing better on earth than a cloudy sky. I felt like they were a cap to hold my thoughts down closer to the ground, something to keep me together. I watched their pale grey feathered streaks slide by me, with their glimpses of white light backing them, and it finally dawned on me --

I don't feel at home here in Iowa. Not at all. But watching the shapes of earth and trees go past, looking so much brighter green than usual (cloudy days have that magical way about them), I finally felt like a veil came off my eyes. This veil of "Focused, focused, focused. Having a baby. Focused. Single minded. Unwavering. Nose to the grind-stone." It was just gone for a moment. And I saw God's earth. I may not feel at home here. But this is a beautiful work of his hands. And I felt guilty for scorning it in my heart. So I just watched it, sliding by my cheeks. Breathing it through the window. And tried my hardest to just trust.

But when we got to the office, the peacefulness left me. And I was getting so nervous that I was starting to feel really nauseous. In the waiting room I tried to stay calm. Tried to just not think. But I wasn't really thinking anything anyway, just feeling worried. I don't even know what she could have told me that would be equal to the feeling in my stomach, the worst she could say was, well I guess that my cervix snapped shut. Or somehow the baby turned breach and I missed it. I don't know. I guess, those are pretty scary, so a nervous tummy is not so crazy. But I was just trying to stay calm while I watched J run around the room.

The End of 37 Weeks, Hello 38 Weeks

I'm 38 Weeks today!

I officially have permission to stop worrying that I will go into labor too early!  

Ha! I know.  I'm hilarious!  

Before I got pregnant all I thought about was being scared of not going into labor again.  

After I got pregnant, somehow I constantly worried about preterm labor, mixed into my post-dates fears.  

Even at 37 weeks I decided to be nervous about it.  

Ahh, the momma-brain!  

So, check that off my list of endless fears.  

Yay!  

One down, only a bunch more to go!  

And now it's time for another compare and contrast photo.  

Last Time vs. This Time.  

In the Same Clothes.  

On Starting 37 Weeks, and Thinking I Was in Labor

Written: 6/7/12

So I was having a hard time getting the 37 week photo taken.

And the mystery has now been solved. But for a while there I just thought I was really, really pregnant. And it was bothering me how I could go from feeling pretty great, to feeling totally overwhelmed by my condition. I was fine, and then suddenly I was really tired, and sore, and wimpy feeling all at once. I didn't really understand.

Turns out I've been fighting an infection.

I thought the baby engaged a week ago. And maybe she did, I still don't really know where she is at, I think she is low. But I think what I mostly felt that day was the start of a bladder infection, that I couldn't recognize. (I didn't feel uncomfortable going to the bathroom. And I'm pregnant so I pee all the time no matter what. So I didn't have any way to tell.)

That day, I had tons of what seemed like Braxton hicks and after that the lower part of my pelvis felt heavy and full and moving my body felt harder. Sounded like engagement to me, but I think it was symptoms of infection, looking back. After that I was having more Braxton hicks often. I thought everything was pointing to baby coming.

36 Weeks Pregnant

Written: 6/5/12

36 Weeks Down!
Mystery # of weeks left to go!
As I write this I'm starting week 37, so I'm full term now!

What!?  That's crazy!
This pregnancy has been incredibly fast for me.
I remember last time I was pregnant, feeling by 30 weeks like I was pretty much done --- and thinking the thought: "10 more weeks," was starting to give me claustrophobia.  (Little did I know I had 12 weeks left!)
This time as of 36 weeks I was nearly oblivious.  Well okay not oblivious at all, but I just don't have that same "Oh my gosh I just cannot go on!" feeling in the slightest.

35 Weeks Pregnant

A lot happened this week.
So it's a long read.
But that's okay since this is the last blog entry I'm linking on Facebook till the baby comes.  (I will still post.  But it's up to you to look from now on!  And no one is allow to write comments that say "When are you having the baby!?" Just don't do it... I will come and find you!!  :) )
(Curious? Here is Why.)

First,
A couple random thoughts I've been having:

• For probably two months now I've been telling Blake that I'm just gonna wear a diaper to bed so I can forget this getting out of bed to pee business.  Now that I'm this close, I'm honestly considering it.  I mean, I think I've been getting out of bed about 8 times a night this week!  
• I've been having a very strange relationship with makeup for the last couple weeks.  I feel tired-looking without it.  But when I put it on, I feel like I've smeared mud on my face.  It doesn't feel normal to me anymore.  I don't feel like it should be there.  I don't know if it's pregnancy or the fact that I've read too much Ina May and have become a hippie, or just a new awareness of myself.  But these feelings leave me in a weird place on the days where I actually care to get dressed.  If my eyes aren't too dark underneath, I don't care so much.  But on the days when I am looking pretty worn....well I just don't know.  

Anyway,
This week started with me getting sick.  On Tuesday, food was just not sitting well with me.  After breakfast I had to lay down for a long time.  Happily, J was content to cuddle in bed with me while we turned on kid shows via Netflix on the laptop.  I took it easy on lunch and barely ate.  For dinner, I asked Blake to find me something by just giving him a huge list of "not this, not that."  He came back with very yummy Chinese chicken noodle soup.  Unfortunately, my body just didn't want to have anything to do with food.  I was up all night with terrible stomach cramps and the impending feeling that this food was planning on making a fast escape from the belly.  I just wasn't sure how it was planning to do that.  After a horrible night, around 7 am on Wednesday I started throwing up.  After a couple bouts of that, the rest of the morning my body chose the other route.
I felt horrible and just incapacitated.  There was no way for me to even attempt being home alone with J this time.  I felt so bad because Blake has been trying to catch up on so much at work lately, but he stayed home for me.  It gets disheartening in these situations, because we still haven't really met anyone well enough here in Iowa to help in a case like this.  (J getting RSV drastically decreased our ability to even go anywhere, because she remained contagious for a month, so we couldn't go to church or any place with kids --- doctor's orders --- for fear we'd pass it along.)  So having Blake stay home was really all we could do.  I pretty much slept the entire day and consumed only ginger ale.  (And, yes, mentally  I was semi-ridiculous about it, since I have sworn off sugar.  I made Blake call and make sure I could do it.)
My mom was so sweet and ended up driving the 6 hours to come help.  So she got to our house around 10 pm.

33 Weeks Pregnant

I am gonna just randomly, randomly spew forth as I think of it.

I've been having a lot of Braxton-Hicks contractions.  They don't seem to have any rhyme or reason to them.  They don't hurt.  They aren't strong.  But they make me feel emotions.  Like they kinda make my brain feel like I'm getting butterflies (the nervous kind), or worried, or worked up...
I usually don't notice that they are there physically, I just start feeling... feeling concerned, but I don't know about what.  Then when I go to figure out why, I start thinking, "Wow I'm just so worried my stomach is clenched up," and that's when it occurs to me that my belly is tight because I'm having more Braxton-Hicks.  Each one lasts long time.  They've done that this whole pregnancy.  When I get them they don't tend to want to let go.

None of this is scary.  I'm just sharing.  Actually I'm fairly happy about it.  (Positive thoughts on going into labor this time.)  But it's weird, because I thought I would feel "Happy" happy to be feeling my own natural contractions.  But the fact that the contractions feel like worried emotions make the "happy" feel like concern.  It's confusing when I go to process it.

So, I think the baby heard me mention one too many times how still she is compared to J, and has now set out to show me how strong she is.  She's moving much more this week.  She still feels different than J did, though.  I never feel anything in the middle.  I only feel things at the top and the bottom.  Her head and hands down low, her feet and butt up under my ribs.  And, honestly, this week I've been consciously trying to enjoy feeling her, and it's not that I don't, but it's harder this time.  So much of the time J is on my lap and I feel crowded.  So I try to enjoy my "alone time" feeling of her movements.  But she is kinda starting to be rough on me.  I mostly feel her grinding down into my bladder or punching my left hip, sending a nerve-shock down my leg.  Or I feel her pressing, with what feels like all her might, upwards just under my right ribs (which usually causes more bladder pressing because she ends up getting pressed back down by her legs.)  And I kinda think I'm getting a bruise under my ribs.  So I still want to enjoy her, but it's just not really as straightforward as before.  I'm hoping to not over-think it and get worked up, cause that won't help.
 She does like to do this funny foot thing.  It reminds me of puppies or kitties when they nurse and knead their front feet back and forth, only she does it with the speed and intensity of a dog's back leg scratching their side --- strong and furiously.  That always entertains me.  That's my favorite move she does.  :)

I don't know if this has just happened this week, or if it's been happening and I just noticed it this week, but my near-fully-silvered stretch marks from last pregnancy have started getting redder and more noticeable recently.  When I first got them (last time around), they were dark --- like African-American skin streaking my belly.  They don't look like that right now, just reddish and pinkish instead of clearish.  I don't really care, I just noticed that it happened.  I haven't noticed any new ones.

My belly has grown an inch-and-half this week.  My weight gain is right on track at a pound a week, but that's the fastest my belly has ever grown!  The realization of just how much it's grown, when seeing the tape measure, made the fact that I was feeling pretty huge this week make sense!