I have been wanting to write out Jasmine's birth story on here for a long time.
(Previously she was known on the Blog as "J" -- neither is her actual name, both are a just-for-the-blog-name.)
But I just couldn't do it until now.
At first it was just too much for me to put out in the open because, while it wasn't the birth I had hoped for, it was the birth that made me a mother, and in that it meant the world to me. I didn't want anyone to say anything about it, because it was my close held treasure. And it seemed like no matter what anyone said, it hurt my feelings.
Then when I was pregnant with Ruby I kept trying to start writing about it -- as like a healing thing -- or a preparation thing -- but I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't delve into c-section thoughts while pursuing a VBAC.
Now I'm in a place where I can finally write it.
I want to write it because it means a lot to me.
I want to write it because it was harder than I thought it would be,
and yet, it was better than I would have expected it to be.
I want to write it because it is a foundational part of me.
And I want to write it because it might mean something to someone else.
I'm finding a lot of healing in bringing something to someone through my experiences.
If you've followed me through my second pregnancy, you will have heard me allude to this birth over and over. You may know the basic story all too well. But in all my reeling over the emotional hurts, you may have gotten mislead as to the actual day itself. Much of the emotional hurts surfaced afterwards when processing the fact that it went so differently than I had envisioned. The day itself went pretty smoothly (well, it did for a day that wasn't what I was hoping for). I really had a lot of peace throughout it. And I didn't hate the day, or the experience of my c-section, like I may have given you cause to believe.
I want to try and write as much as I can because, well, all of it means something to me. And I want to write it as honestly as I can. It might prove hard because there is a strange duality of both great fulfillment alongside deep disappointment. And the two things don't intermingle well, which is part of why its so hard for me to process it all. But I will try to share it all.
I don't want to overstate the hardships, yet I don't want to leave them out either. I want to include the gloriousness, but not whitewash the pain.
I have no idea just how long this will be. (I plan to write about the days before and after the birth too.) So as I write I will have to decide if it will all be one post, or multiple. (Multiple is the decision -- this baby is long!)
I'm not counting on anyone reading this, because well it just might be THAT long, and I know how we like short stories.
But I will read it. (I like to re-read my stuff! :) )
And maybe my kids will read it someday.
Speaking of which: Jasmine, I've often feared that my hurt and healing from this c-section might in someway hurt your feelings, or your perspective of who you are. I want you to know that as soon as I heard your voice I knew I would have done it all over again -- 100s of times over -- just to have you. I immediately thought that I would have submitted to much, much more to become your mommy. The emotions which came afterwards were not anything to do with you, they were to do with my heart and the ways it needed to grow. You are my firstborn and you mean the world to me. And if I credit any of this process to you, it is the huge amounts of growth I have seen in my life since. You are a blessing to me in so many ways.
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