Getting deep, with socks...

So the kitchen is still on it’s way. The tile has been grouted. But sometimes we find a spot that needs adjusting on the fill, and have to go back. Then we need to seal the grout and caulk around all the edges of things. I posted a teaser photo on Instagram. I’d like to wait until at least the caulk is in before I blog it. Just for that wow factor caulk provides. (The stuff is magical.) And the room still needs more touches after that, but I figure I don’t want to keep you waiting forever.

Anyway, in the mean time, I thought I’d write up this random post on socks.

The thing I find really interesting, is that it took me a really long time to do this silly little change. This sock arrangement is something I have wanted to do for at least four years, maybe longer. But so much inner dialogue stopped me from doing it. And it’s JUST socks.

And that’s a big part of why I’ve been so quiet on the blog... stuff like this. I’m a work in progress right now, and it’s a very delicate place I’m in. So delicate it messes with socks. (ha!) And well, everything.

    It’s just been a time for reprieve from eye balls for me. The last few years have been a lot to manage, and managing them in front of people was even more to manage. The back to back sequence of my difficult pregnancy, followed by my brother’s death created a situation that made me feel simultaneously alone, yet entirely too checked-in on. It started creating this situation where I was depending on the blog for an outlet of my real self, and I wasn’t finding people in person to be that real with. And then when I would be that open and real on the blog, it would cause a whole lot of chain of reactions from relatives who started to worry about me. It was hard to convey that I was fine, I just was processing. And the processing’s value was over powered by the energy it took to constantly deal with everyone’s feelings but my own. I finally had to take stock of this and realize that in order to value myself I needed to shift this dynamic.

     I have. Quite a bit actually. I’ve found people to be real with in person. I’ve started valuing myself. And I’ve been quiet in the places where I’ve needed that space to heal. 

     A lot (but not all) of that space has been online. Its been really good for me. And honestly if I could go back in time, I would have NEVER signed up for Facebook. Oh the complications I could have kept out of my life! I signed up as soon as I got married. And soon after that I was a mom. I hadn’t figured out social media yet. It was WAY too much pressure on this girl in those new situations. I wish I could have lived my life without knowing who could get their pre-maternity pants on before me, and who was getting whole nights of sleep before me, and all the ways I was “doing it wrong” in mommy-war-world. I could have just been myself, quietly in my own house, in my own world, minding my own business, totally unaware of how I measured against anyone but myself. Wouldn’t that have been nice?

    That’s not to say, this kinda stuff stresses everyone out. It doesn’t. But it stressed me out. And due to a lot of my own stuff I brought to the table. 

     I was carrying around a lot of things. But the biggest heaviest thing I was carrying was the idea that I had a say in how other people feel. Not just that I had a say in it, but that I was often a major impactor of other people’s feelings. And not just that. But that I had an all encompassing job in life, to do everything I could to not negatively impact anyone, in any way, by anything I did.

   (Now there is a bit of truth in this large concept. Like walking up to people and saying awful things about them would not be a good way to live. Or constantly talking poorly about people when they aren’t there, also not a good way to live. And, yes, I do impact the people I live with, with the way I treat them.)

   But my deal was not that stuff. I thought this responsibility was SO MUCH MORE than that. I thought if any action I took brushed against anyone at all, in any small "wrong way", I had committed an atrocious sin. 

    The easiest example was my weight loss. I couldn’t see myself losing weight, as possibly inspiring anyone else to make healthy choices. I could only see how I “caused” jealousy. (Lesson -- I didn’t cause that feeling.  I have no control over how anyone reacts to anything. They are the ones who decide how to react to things.)

    But this same thing was down DEEP in my bones. So deep that I couldn’t agree to be myself in many areas. Because... what if myself, was the most hurtful thing in the universe? What if my very being was unbearable?

    It’s the strangest thing, really. Because in tons of areas, I’ve been totally ok with not being “the norm.” (Like a lot of people think my house purchase and subsequent years of making it over, is crazy. And that didn’t EVER phase me. This is my choice and I love it.) But in other, sometimes unexplainable, random things, I’ve been paralyzed.

     It’s actually less strange than it initially seemed to me. Things like my house, which caused people to think I was crazy, were easy for me -- because thinking someone is crazy is not jealousy. Most things I’ve been afraid to do or be are things I was afraid that people could be jealous of. And my concept of what might make a person jealous was fairly enormous. And if it wasn’t jealousy I was afraid of, it was irritation. If I was afraid my choice could irritate someone, I was afraid to take hold of it, or at least say that I did. And my concept of what might irritate person jealous was fairly enormous. So I’ve boxed so much of myself in. All while thinking I wasn’t because “Look at me, I can makeover a house, and DIY thrift store shorts…. I do weird stuff other people don’t  -- so clearly I’m, me.” 

     (Now I will say, on big things I’ve over-rode this protocol. Like when I chose to do a home birth or home school. Even if that brushed many people the wrong way. For big things I can power through because I can look at the big picture and say it’s worth it. But for little things I didn’t see myself as valuable enough to do it then. If it’s not changing the course of my life, well let’s not bother rocking the boat. But enough small things add up to start impacting a life.)

     It’s taken me some time to examine my way of looking at life, hold it up to the light and start to see it more realistically.

   And it’s been really relieving.

    I’ve been able to set a lot of false guilt down. I’ve been able to start letting go of what’s not mine to control. (Guys, it’s been SO good, finding out I’m not supposed to be responsible for stuff, that I’m not responsible for! Do any of you know how exhausting that is, carrying stuff that’s not in your control? It’s physically heavy. I came home from counseling one day, honestly floating -- like when you take roller skates off, after a day at the roller rink -- because I was given permission to let a HUGE weight go.)

   It’s not always easy to leave these things set down. After I set each idea down, initially everything inside of myself says “You know, that actually IS yours to carry. PICK IT BACK UP!” I can’t even begin to tell you how hard that battle is. Panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms hard. Some of the heaviest lifting I’ve ever done. (All so I could NOT carry something. So ironic.)

     And that’s part of my quietness online too. Just battling myself over here.

     But I’m starting to win.

     And I’m starting to change. 

     And I’m starting to breathe.

     And I’m starting to figure out who I am, when I don’t need to be this undefinable entity that’s impossible to be. An entity who’s main goal was to basically be unseen because I thought being seen was hurtful. I’m starting to see my general being isn’t a weapon of mass destruction, just on the verge of decimating all in it’s path. (Honestly, that what I thought I was doing when I lost the weight. Or made a big purchase. Or walked out of the house looking nice.) And so I’m starting to accept my general being enough to ask myself: what do I really like, what do I really want, who do I really want to be? I don’t even know the answers to those questions yet. But I’m starting to. 

     I’m starting to see that being who God made me, is the point of him making me that way. It’s not selfishness or hurfulness. It’s not a determent to other’s. It’s a gift to them.

     (Guys, my Meyer’s Briggs profile is starting to shift. Like this is major change.)

ALL this major change….

leads me to socks.

I’m letting myself, be me.

And well, me hates trying to match up socks. ESPECIALLY, and mostly, because the mysteries of the laundry cycle mean about 60% of our socks don’t have a match most the time.

I have wanted to, for years, switch to all white socks. No matching up required. If one get’s lost, it’s not going to impede the finishing of the laundry.

What was keeping me tied to these socks?

The idea that I’d disappoint anyone. Such as:

• Anyone whoever gave us socks, at anytime. Or who’d like to give us socks in the future.
• My kids. Who might miss some of these socks.

Issue #1: Anyone who ever gave us socks.

          Reasons why it’s still ok to be done with these socks:

• Having a different set of standards doesn’t equal ungratefulness.
• People’s joy comes from giving, what the Receiver does after that isn’t in the Giver’s hands.
• True gifts have no strings attracted. 
• You are not obligated to receive gifts with strings attached. 
• Not all these socks were gifts. We bought many of these ourselves, due to (on my end) fear of accepting and saying what I really want. (And it’s ok to own that, release that, forgive that, and move on.) 
• It’s ok to let go of belongings that are no longer needed and wanted/ working their intended purpose.

Issue #2: My kids might miss the socks.

          Reasons why it’s still ok to be done with these socks:

• Initially I was afraid of limiting my kids things in general. I have brought up at many points in counseling different categories, and subcategories, of things I’ve been afraid that if I limit, or eliminate, because I’m afraid that I will somehow negatively impact my kids childhoods. And each time we talk through how I’m not actually depriving my kids of any legitimate needs. That it’s ok to help kids learn stuff by initially doing it for them -- because that’s the role of a parent, to be the role model.  Part of my job as a parent is helping them learn to manage their things. And we’ve discussed how that gives them a solid base for adulthood perceptions of things and money. (I actually never brought up the socks in counseling. I’ve gone through enough other random goofy things questions that I was able to process the socks on my own this time. lol)
• My kids’ natural instinct is to be hoarders. (Are all kids? I don’t know. Probably not because certain of my kids are much more prone to hoarding than others.) I’d literally be on that show if I saved everything they wanted to save. One of them, as a two year old, had a "special collection" of empty granola bar wrappers. (And that tuned crazier by the day as we had to start opening the granola bars with scissors as to not “hurt” the pictures when tearing it open) Before I even knew it was happening, a whole drawer had been filled up with wrappers. Actual garbage is painful for them to get rid of. She would weep over these things. (And I know the difference between two year old tantrum, and actual mourning. Highly Sensitive Toddlers are something.) It’s been a learning curb for me figuring how, and when, to rip the band aid off in every “thing” area of our lives -- so as to not worry they will actually be on that show themselves as adults, while not breaking their spirits in the process. But I can safely say, that now we have a good working relationship with each other -- she trusts me not to remove more than she can handle, and she’s starting to feel safe to remove things herself as well. It’s been a good journey. I saw the socks as an extension of this journey.
• I was worried I’d stifle their self expression. After thinking about it -- I had to accept that it’s ok to not express yourself in EVERY way. They don’t NEED to express themselves with socks. And if that’s a deep seated desire in them, they can have that as something to look forward to later in life. (Either as adults, or perhaps when they do all their own laundry at home, well see.)
• I’m actually giving my kids the gift of more independence in this laundry maneuver. I want to get them involved in more self care and home care now, so that later in life it’s second nature and easy. This simplification of socks makes them more capable of doing more of the laundry on their own. And they actually do appreciate that.
• I actually left a very limited few “other” socks in their drawers for special occasions. So they don’t have to wear white socks if it will look terrible.

So yeah, after I weighed all that out (Which is again comical. Because LOTS of moms are already on this limited sock train, without the raging internal debate.) I got out ALL the socks and did all the dirty laundry, and matched everything I could up. Pulled my select few special socks out. And bagged up the rest.

Went to Target and bought some white Cat & Jack socks in two varieties. 

These ankle socks for the girls. They pass their sensory inspection -- which is saying something! And the ankle has a sweet detail for a little cuteness. I bought them in medium, which can fit both girls (It’s a little big on my five year old, but it works.) I bought 3 packs for both kids. I figured that’d make sure I’m not cutting it close on laundry slow moments.

And these fold over socks in 2T for my two year old. For now I just bought one pack. For some reason his sock consumption is slower. But might add, if necessary.

Then I figured, while I’m at it, lets try something new. 

We only need socks when we are headed out the door. 

And then it always turns into wasted minutes going back upstairs to get them. 

So I decided to try keeping them in the coat (and shoe) closet.

So far (one week in) it’s been pretty great, and very easy.

I just put a mason jar in the laundry room to hold any single sock, until another shows up. (It will be SO EASY when one does!)

I’m really happy I finally did this. 

My brain has one less sound in it.

As soon as I did this, I felt a deep peace.

These little things bring me so much joy because it clears up so much space inside me, and so much of my time, for what matters. 

The kids did complain for a minute about their only being white. But it was over pretty fast. I let them know we’d keep a limited few other socks upstairs. 

They really do like that it’s so simple to get outside now.

 And they are excited to help with laundry so they liked this easy set up.

(I may get a second bin if it gets tricky having the girl and boy socks mixed together. So far it’s been fine.)

And if ever we are deal with more sizes at once...
I’ve seen the idea of adding color coded thread to the toes. That’s a good idea, I may incorporate if need be.

My five year old (the one who’s most sock-sensory-picky) acted very stressed about the size being generous (but it’s probably only a couple months before she’d need this size and the small would be too small.) But after two days she’s not said anything.

I haven’t given away our other socks yet. Just packed them up and hid them. JUST IN CASE. I don’t know what would make us need them. But I just feel like I need to try this system out a bit before giving the other socks away.

But yeah. That’s my SUPER in depth thoughts on socks. (And my brain.)

Ha.

Hope you enjoyed the random vulnerability, while waiting on my kitchen. :)

A Baby Gate - for a weird situation

Bronny has entered the "MUST CLIMB STAIRS!!!!!!!" phase of life. This being our first time in this house, in this life stage, we did not have a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs.

And I didn't have a great idea on how to put one there, because there's nothing to support the standard kind of gate on one side -- because there is no wall to press it against.

I'd been looking on Pinterest, when I thought of it, for a while (before it was a must.) And then, like it does, life got busy and baby got mobile... and suddenly life was absolutely nonfunctional until we got one up. Every 15 seconds I had to run to the stairs and grab a baby. I was about to lose my mind. So we just went with the baby gate idea we could knock out the fastest. A fabric one.

I found these modern-ish coat hooks on clearance at Menards. 

And I grabbed them all up because I loved how they looked and how flat they stayed to the wall, and how cheap they wound up being. (I also wanted some coat hooks in the sunroom.)

I liked they they weren't really an injury threat for stair climbers because they stay so flush.

(If you are new around here -- our walls have big plans for beauty someday down the line -- currently they are horrible. We are aware. lol They are half wallpaper removed, half TERRIBLE old drywall. It’s not ideal.)

Then I just used some fabric (it’s paint-dropcloth fabric) and sized it to the space and sewed a casing on the edges, to slide a dowel rid into it for added ridgidity. And then I just  added ties to the corners to wrap around the hooks.

I'm fully aware that this gate isn't strong, and might be no match for a kid who's into conquering obstacles. But after an initial learning day, where we showed Bronny not to yank on it, he's just respected it as a boundary when it's up and not touched it.  He’s a pretty chill guy. He knows its downstairs-time when its up. (If it's down, then he flies up the stairs!) (And heads straight for his toothbrush!)

So life has returned to it’s previously scheduled level of mothering, sans stairs. 

(Hugely helpful!)

As far as how it looks…it’s kinda just "whatever", really.  If our stairs and walls were done, it might have a simple, old-world functional beauty --maybe. I don’t know. Baby gates are always ugly. So this one’s  ability to be kinda meh -- might be as good as it gets? But next to our haunted walls it kinda just looks drab-ish. But I don’t care -- I’m not chasing a baby!

P.S. Here are the hooks in the sunroom 

These happened because of the snow.

See, our family room door is how we've been used to getting to the back yard. But that room is carpeted, and kids with wet snow gear + light carpet is stressful.

So I decided that getting outside via the sunroom, will be the winter-way. (But it might become THE way -- I’m now thinking about spring mud….) 

But so, I wanted the kids to have somewhere to put their wet coats and snow pants... so here came the hooks. Same idea where I liked the look of these hooks AND that they won't grab your legs on the way by. So far so good with their use. Someday they will probably be too low for good use (much sooner for snow pants than later) but for now it’s good. 

As far as a life update -- if you are interested read on. If not -- that’s pretty much all the pictures for now.

I’ve been kinda just laying low lately with blogging. Mostly because I really did want to keep the Christmas season wrapped up in safety and peace. But with that in mind I have very much been questioning what is safe, and what is worth the risk?

I’m in a hard and confusing season. We are coming up on the year anniversary of my brother’s death. The Christmas trees right now are making me think of last year, when he was last still alive, and it’s surreal.

I’m also in a season of making choices. They are choices that might look like subtle little things, but are actually the kind of choices that when added up over a lifetime will be major game changers. I know they are the right thing to do, I know they need to be done for the good of all of my family. The thing is, making these choices has kept coming up against some very hard resistance and hurt feelings.

 (Sorry this is the internet, so writing this stuff might come across as super vague, because I need to be sensitive to all sorts of feelings here and keep it vague (this is for the sake of way more than one person. So please no one single themselves out reading this thinking that I’m pointing at you, I’m not -- it’s across the board complicated in many areas of my life) -- so I don’t know how much sense any of this will make within this post, but I’ll do my best.) 

When my brother died it shifted EVERYTHING for me. And so I was kinda left with two options: 

1) lay down and let life happen to me (and well, in my experience, life isn’t exactly kind, so that sounds… fun…No, not at all)

2) Or get up and give it everything I have -- even if I have nothing left inside me.

I went with get up. 

Making healthy choices isn’t always popular. 

For blogging sake, I think it’s safe to share this example. 

When I made the healthy choice to be physically healthy (eating well, working out, and losing the baby weight to reach an very healthy BMI for my height -- no where near the lower end of my recommended weight range), that was actually shockingly un-popular amongst many people who see me in passing, but aren’t close to me personally. I wound up getting confronted on numerous occasions where people were trying to determine if I was sickly and unwell. When I explained, they still tried to push a negative onto me. It’s very confusing to me because I do not think I look, in anyway, unwell (besides sad-eyes regularly), and I also feel great physically. But because of conflicting feelings about weight in our country as a whole (I guess? I don’t actually know...)  people wanted to attribute negative things to my positive actions.

This same sort of scenario is being played out in a few other fundamental areas of my life. 

I’m exhausted. 

It’s freaking hard work making healthy choices (physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy choices) even if you are supported when doing it.

 It’s crushingly hard when you have to do it in the face of people saying you shouldn’t. Even if they mean it in a helpful way --sometimes things just can’t make total sense from outside the situation.

It’s extra exhausting when you find out you actually need to shift something in nearly every area of your life all at the same time. 

I don’t recommend it.

But at this point that’s pure survival -- I have to shift things, to match the shifting of everything when my brother died. It’s like sea legs. I have to move to stay up.

All of that has made me feel very protective of myself and my young family. I’m not sure who is safe and who isn’t. Who will say “Yes, we support you choice for wholeness.” 

(I realize in my internet-vagueness here, this might sound fishy, and like I’m doing crazy things. I assure you I’m not. The essence of what I’m pursing for our young family is: simplicity and relationship/connections.)

I’ve been so worn out and lost when it comes to this concept of who is safe right now, that blogging just seemed too vast and unknown.

I wasn’t sure what was good-sharing, what was over-sharing. What was helpful information/inspiration to blog, and what’s just “Hey look how great I am!”

 I still actually have no idea about those things. But what got to me blog today were two really sweet comments that touched my heart, and reminded me that this blog can be a true form of connection to people. Not just throwing words out into the judgmental black hole of the internet. So thank you to those of you who have ever reminded me that I’m of worth via this blog. At this point of my life it’s actually entirely more meaningful that I can convey. I hope in some strange way I can repay the favor by somehow throwing something helpful out there for you.

Two Of My Favorite Books

These two books are literally changing my life.

I feel sorta awkward sharing something like this on the blog, because parenting is personal and the internet is messy -- I don’t want to be another source of frustration for anyone.

But because these books are soooooooo (oooooooooooo) helpful to me I wanted to step out of a comfort zone to mention them incase they could be this helpful to someone else.

As with everything I write, I’m writing with the best intentions and not throwing any secret extra judgements out with it. Just sharing what’s working for me -- and it’s ok if it’s not meant for you.

So here goes.

The hard thing for me here in trying to review them is, they are SO good that I am almost speechless. I have a hard time knowing just what to write for you. It really just boils down to: reading these is a fantastic thing.

Actually, at this point in my parenting career, if pressed, I’d say these are the only two books I’d read on parenting. I’d throw away anything on baby sleep (for sure!)(And I’m not even saying that embittered, it’s just that after three babies I no longer think there are strategies, I just think they sleep when they sleep - the end) (and again, it’s ok to disagree with me there), or anything to do with food, or just random whatevers….and just keep these.

The Whole-Brain Child is a really cool book. It basically takes neuroscience and psychiatry, as well as child development stages, and smashes it all into an extremely helpful, easy to follow, enjoyable read.

There are lots of treasures in this book. Two of my favorites are:

First, the book kind of breaks down the way the brain works, and how and when kids’ minds develop. I learned that initially kids minds do not have the capacity for higher function. (In hindsight while typing this I feel silly not seeing that one as obvious, but I didn’t --  it was something I needed to have pointed out to me.) What that means in life is, when a two year old is having a temper tantrum, it’s just because they don’t have the rest of their brain available to them yet, to work through that tantrum calmly. (This is all written MUCH better in the books, this is my butchered up version.) So just having that pointed out to me, was like a breath of fresh air and en enormous relief because I could see those tempter tantrum moments for what they were and come at them with grace and patience, instead of fear of failure and over-determination to force something impossible. I could just tell myself, “Their brain isn’t even there yet, it will be there later.” I’ve even been able to use that to teach my kids to understand each other better. When Ruby, my now 4 year old, is not able to accept Jasmine’s (who is 6) “No thank you” without screaming in dismay -- I’m able to remind Jasmine to not take it personally, that her mind is still growing and some day she will be able to respond different when she grows up some more. And then she is able to look at the moment with more grace and patience as well.

Really awesome.

One of my other favorite things in the book is how it it explains the way traumas enter the mind (they start on the right side as physical sensations and that swirls up emotions on the right side.) And then they go on to explain how important it is to talk about those things because when you name what you feel then it’s able to move to the left side of the brain and be filed away, and then it can stop swirling around inside your mind and rest. The books reminds parents not to avoid letting kids talk through their traumas because they need to talk about it in order to heal. 

That was HUGE for me to read, because when I read it my c-section was still swirling around the right side of my mind. And then I was able to grasp why, so I no longer felt so guilty about it, and then I was able to submit to the process of healing properly.

It’s also been super cool to use in parenting. When kids are young you can do this (the book calls it “name it to tame it”) for them. My middle child benefits enormously from this kind of help.

When she falls down and gets hurt  (because I read this book) I am able to go up to her, pick her up and verbalize her pain. I will say “You fell down, and you scraped your knee and your knee hurts.” (She will tearfully agree, or correct me if it’s some place else that hurts.) I then will say a couple more times something like “It’ hurts. It hurts really bad.” I will say her feelings for her until she seems to calm down a bit. Then I will maybe add something like “and you are so sad."

And usually at this point, she will perk right up and sound happy and say something like “YEP. But now I want to play.”

You should know, that when no one does that for her, she will scream indefinitely -- and I do mean indefinitely -- her feelings and will are a force to be reckoned with.

My dad watched this type of smooth interaction between us once and he said with some major stunned awe “That was like a Jedi mind trick.”

It does feel rather like magic.

The book has a lot more in there than that. And to be honest with you, I’ve yet to finish it. I’ve owned it for about three years, and I haven’t finished it. And it’s not because it’s boring, it’s because I keep re-reading the parts I’ve already read, and pausing to let it soak in deeper. I am certain I will read it all. And I kinda thought I should wait to write this blog post until I did. But then so many people could miss out -- because I’m clearly in no rush.

But yes, this book comes highly recommended by me, even while still in the middle of it.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is blowing my mind. And I don’t say that lightly. I actually mean it’s just blowing my mind to smithereens. In the best way my mind could ever be blown to bits.

The title is kinda misleading. I don’t think of this book as a discipline book but more like a guide to interaction.

I don’t quite know how I got past the title to actually read this book, except for I’m one of those people who kinda of just clears entire library shelves all at once when interested in something. This book just happened to be next to some other book I thought I’d like to read and so this one came home with me when I dumped the whole shelf in my bag. And it turned out to be SO amazing…and I can’t remember the other book which lead me to it. ha.

This is another book I haven’t finished yet. It’s in that same boat of “it’s so good, and so jam packed with helpfulness, that I have to go slow to really soak it all up.”

I have an even harder time describing this book.
In my case it’s basically like a re-programming my own brain book. And in so doing it’s greatly benefiting my parenting skills. Not to mention my whole life outlook.

Two things I’ll mention here that really impacted me are these. (But once again, there is innumerably more than two things I love about this book.)


The first one is, the author spends a great deal of time, and spreads the concept throughout the book, denoting the difference between acting out of fear or acting out of love.
I personally struggle with a lot of fear. So this is a big deal to me. And when she points these things out, she does so in a very concrete examples. Which is exactly what I need. It’s very clear instructions.
One way she does this is, she will run through different scenarios and describe a fear based response to it, and a love based response to it. And then she will give very clear instructions on how to handle teaching children from a loving place not a fear-driven place. It’s some of the most clear instructions I’ve ever come across in general, but even better they are super sound and good. And since I’ve  starting going to counseling this book has become even more amazing to me how clearly she is able to convey a bunch of stuff I’m learning there -- so I feel like I’m double checking my facts and finding them very good.


My other favorite thing that I will mention is: This book taught me how to get my kids to get along. Over this summer I’ve received a lot of compliments where people who basically say, “Wow your kids don’t fight.” And I will respond with “They do, I just taught them how to do it well.” And then they pretty much universally tilt there head (very far) and furrow their brow. Some would ask more, some would brush me off in confusion. But either way, I got a clear impression this isn’t a standard thing to do.

This book taught me that usually kids are not disobeying, or doing the wrong thing, because they want to, but because they lack the skills to do otherwise. So when you give them lessons in the skills they need, their behavior improves dramatically.
Therefore, when my kids disagree about something, I teach them the healthy way to voice their opinions, discuss their options, and come to an agreement.
Since I’ve spread my reading of this book out so far, I can’t remember if the book gave me exact instructions on this, but I know it gave me enough information in order for me to do this. This book made it really clear to me that since kids don’t have the knowledge do many things yet especially share smoothly,  I need to give them exact words to say to each other when the interactions occur.
This includes how to express hurt feelings in a healthy manner.
I want my kids to be empowered enough to believe their feelings matter. So I teach them to say them, so the other person can acknowledge them.
And this applies to both sides.
Lets say a doll gets taken away from one girl without asking.
I will make everyone pause and we will talk it out.
The girl who had it taken away from her --  I will coach her to say something like “I wasn’t done using that and I feel upset that you didn’t ask me if you could use it.”
A lot of times the other child will response naturally on her own to say she is sorry and give the doll back just because she hear how the other feels.
But sometimes that child is so into her own thoughts still she is still wanting to have it anyway.
So then we talk through that -- I will remind her that she needs to use her words to ask for a turn. And I will give her exact words. Sometimes they involve strong feelings like “I was really excited to play with that toy so I was hoping to play with it right away. Could I have a turn with it?”

Sometimes at this honesty and sincerity, the first girl will agree to share. But if she isn’t ready to share I don’t force her to. I ask her to say “Well I’m still in the middle of using it, but when I am done you can have a turn.”

I’m surprised by how well this can turn out. A lot of times the girl who had originally taken the toy away can her that answer and accept with a pleased “ok.”
Not every time. Sometimes hard crying follows that answer.  Which makes sense. And we continue coaching from there, or just let that person get some time to work through their feelings.

But the cool thing is, after we practice this enough times, my kids are more and more able to do this without coaching.
So when adults witness these conversations happening without me giving them help, that’s when I get the comments about how my kids don’t fight.
They do fight -- they just learned how to do it well.

And to be clear, I’m not saying we are perfect. And there are definitely days still where I coach through more fights than I knew could possibly ever happen. And by the end of that day I don’t feel like doing it anymore, and sometimes I just can’t. And some days as soon as Blake is in the door I go hide in another room for my sanity sake.
But what I’m excited about is, that’s not every day. And it’s not even most days, just some days. The cool thing really is that there is clearly a marked improvement in our family’s functionality because of this book.



But like I said before, this book is jam packed with goodness. I hope everyone who interacts with children at all, gets a chance to read it. And honestly, it’s so good it could be helpful even if you don’t interact with children. It just really covers some good emotional ground.

I couldn’t recommend it any stronger if I tried. I’m not overstating it when I say that I will think I will re-read this immediately once I finish and then again and again over many years. It is such a blessing to my brain patterns I want to seal it in really, really well.




So my advice is go get these two books.
If you are pregnant, just had a baby, have kids (who are probably about junior high and younger (probably older too)) or you interact with children (or even just people in general) -- this information can only benefit you. The sooner you read these the better you can implement them.
My library has them. I started by checking them out. But I soon bought my own cheap off of amazon because I knew I needed to own them.




So that’s what I’m doing at night lately (if I’m not too busy with the random house projects and life in general) I’m reading, and re-reading, these pages, and soaking it in.


So I hope this post inspires you to look into these, and that they help you out as much as they are helping me.



Love to you all!

Toys

Ok guys, it’s been a while. Sorry.

What have I been up to…what have I been up to?

I feel like I’m in a transitional phase. Maybe it’s the season change at hand. Maybe it’s the fact our house is getting closer to being done. Whatever it is, I’ve been in a kind of mental shift.

And I feel like that shift is taking up at lot of me right now . I’m less focused on the house overall. And more focused on our existence inside it. (And no, not in that poetic, getting my priorities right, it’s about who lives here, not the space…sort of thing. That’s nice. But that’s not what I’m talking about it, really.) I’m thinking through how we want to live inside this space. I want to try and make it a really good fit.

One of the biggest things I’ve been looking at is our Toys.

We used to live in a tiny 700 sq ft duplex, before we moved here.
To be honest with you, the size of that place often blessed me more than negatively impacted me. (I just hated that I couldn’t paint it or change stuff like the bathroom mirror and whatnot -- we were renting.) I’m someone who likes a place to be figured out. And so small makes that easy. I liked having a limit on how much stuff we could have around. I liked being able to vacuum my entire house without unplugging the vacuum! (Seriously that would entertain me and bless me every single time!)

In hindsight, the best part of that place I would have to say is the fact that our toys just could not overtake us. There was not enough room form them. We had to keep them in check. We had our toy cabinets and if they couldn’t fit in there I would either store them in the garage (I had maybe two small bins I would rotate out) or give them away. I adored that people would believe me when I told them we can’t accept many gifts, especially not big ones (You know the big toys like play lawn mowers, play grocery carts, kid sized play cars, play kitchens all those things…) People would see our place and agree in a heartbeat that we sure could not house those toys!

This room would get messy every day, but I could handle cleaning it, a good nice clean, every single night.

Since moving to our house here though…it felt like overnight the toys had doubled. I remember taking one night off from painting, right after we moved in and feeling just totally defeated by how much we had. It took me well into the night to get them in order (so the girls could stop asking me where it all was from the move.) I really just wanted to get rid of them because I couldn’t believe how much time and energy it was taking me to just sort of get them back into some kind of order.
And over our time here, we’ve been given lots more. It’s totally love motivated. Everyone is gifting us and it’s so sweet. But it’s more than we need. And we’ve been given all those big toys were didn’t use to have room for. (They were being saved for us, for the day we had the space.)

I was trying to come to an emotional place were I could accept them, figure out how to live with them and how to get them into a system I could function inside. Like how can I keep our house clean -- not just the toys, but the dishes and the bathrooms and the laundry AND the walls that still need paint and such…

Eventually I just had clarity.

I can’t.
I can’t do all that.

I wrote that post a while ago I called Balance. I didn’t keep up with anything I said I would in there.

I’m made in a certain way. And I’m always tempted to try and change myself to fit a mold. But the mold usually doesn’t fit me right. And so all my plans just go to waste because I can’t keep up with stuff that doesn’t work for me.

I finally got clarity on the toys.
I finally saw who I am inside that kind of space.

This might come across as selfish, but I mean it in a loving, best for all of us way.

I need less stuff.
We need less stuff.

Here’s the deal: Who I am is a person who loves (and needs) a beautiful environment. I adore design and colors and pretty.
BUT I also am a person who has a very hard time cleaning. It’s just entirely effortful and not in my nature.
 I’m also an all or nothing person, so to clean, I want to deep clean. I have a hard time surface cleaning.

Essentially that boils down to me needing to have a few gorgeous things around, and that’s it. That way  its beautiful. There is less to clean. I don’t need to clean it as often. And when I do go to clean I can deep clean easily because there is less of it to manage.

I’ve been noticing that about myself for a couple years now.
It includes my wardrobe. My dishes. My decorations (holidays included.) I want it all pared down to the right amount (small but not sparse) of lovely things.

Via

This quote is so perfect. And ideally I’d love to have every thing be BOTH. Useful and beautiful, beautiful and useful.

I’d been trying to leave toys out of it, because I thought maybe that was selfish.

But I’m starting to realize a couple things.
1) It’s not selfish. Or wrong.
2) It’s the only way I’m gonna be able to find my stride as a mom.


Let’s talk about #2 first.
I’m constantly drowning in the day to day stuff of home life. Keeping house -- all that it includes, none of it is my strong point. And some of that has been made even harder than it would be -- like I’m not so prone to making meals everyday, but then add in the fact that I have picky eaters who are allergic to tons of food. Rough stuff.
The additional total-toy-chaos in my days it literally sends me over that edge. Not in like I yell and freak out. But in the “I give up” way. I can’t clean up the toys because I know they come right back. And i know it takes me hours to fix. So why not leave them a mess most the time.
But if they are a mess all the time so is my mind. And then my mind has no room to think of dinners free of allergens. And if we aren’t on top of food we aren’t really on top of anything. And so I feel more defeated, and even less inclined to clean up because what’s the point.


Now back to #1:
If I’m a better mom based on less-toy-stress, everybody wins --- on pretty much every level of our home life. So that can’t possibly be selfish when you get down to it.
Also,
Kids don’t need a million toys.
My kids don’t actually play with MOST our toys.
What ends up happening is, they riffle through all the stuff they don’t want to to find the couple things they do -- and all the extras wind up EVERYWHERE.
Literally most our stuff is just a waste of space.

A couple weeks ago I went through all our toys, at night while the girls were asleep and got rid of TONS.

My cleaning process.
You so can’t see all the mess in this photo -- it over takes the WHOLE enormous room.

The girls didn’t notice.
Not at all.
I actually didn’t give it away yet. I just set it aside, planning to give it away in a bit. I wanted to make sure they didn’t beg for any certain thing that was gone.
So far they haven’t mentioned anything.

We still have LOTS of toys.

I honestly plan to keep doing this until it almost hurts. But I don’t think it will actually hurt.

My kids like playing with sensory stuff. One of our favorite things to do is play with beans or to play with rice.
For some reason that I can’t understand, this is AMAZING fun. They could sit for hours and just kinda play like it’s a sand box, but better.

They also love crafts. I feel that once I have our toys and house under control we will have more time, mental clarity, and house-order to do crafts regularly.

I feel that less toys will equal more creativity.

My plan with the toys to to narrow them down to just a few fantastic (and visually lovely) toys.

So just keeping a few beloved ones we have now. But most of our current toys will be gone (slowly over time, so to make it less emotionally challenging). And then replaced with just a few great open ended play toys like blocks and doctor sets and such. Things we can use our imagination for, can be played with for a long time, but don’t have tons of clutter that go with them.
Blocks have lots of pieces, but they all go together and don’t need sorting -- you just throw them back in the bin. So that doesn’t phase me. (But I’m so not ready for Legos -- the small ones -- please don’t make me keep track of those yet. Dear LORD please do not give me legos yet!) (And one more aside: I don’t like puzzles because the girls get mad at them and then just put the pieces in purses and lose them. Then the puzzle is ruined. If you lose a block or two the world keeps spinning.)

     I plan to get rid of most our big toys (which actually have tons of small parts like play food which make way too much mess) (and these big toys are also very unattractive -- bad colors and designs) and replace them with a few wonderful and very versatile toys that will last well through ages ranges.

My plan is:
 In one corner of our family room, next to our fire place, I want to build a doll house to fit that space. One that is rather YoungHouseLove-esque (They are bloggers who made an adorable big simple doll house…see it here.) Only I want to make ours a bit off scale, so that when we hit Barbie age they can fit in there too. (I’m not ready for Barbies yet -- too many pieces for them to lose at this age. But honestly -- I’m so pumped about Barbie re-entering my life. I LOVED playing Barbies!)
Having one big awesome doll house will replace 4 less than stellar plastic doll houses we have. (How do we have four!?)

Our family room furniture is different now. (I need to blog that!)
But here you can see in the spaces on the side of the fireplace I’m talking about.
P.S. The room NEVER looks this clean anymore.

And on the other side of the fireplace I want to take out our play kitchen stuff and replace them with a baby doll corner. The girls are SO into their baby dolls right now. I want to give them each a doll crib. (Right now we have one plastic one they have to share, which for 4 and 2 year olds they handle well, but it does get exhausting monitoring that. They each need one so both baby dolls can get good rest. :) I think we will build some along these lines. And I already bought two matching doll high chairs off Varagesale.com. (I couldn’t believe there were two! How perfect is that? And they are really cute.)
And since the only part of our play kitchen that gets used is the sink. (Ruby likes to fake fill cups there.) I think we will make a super small “kitchen” which is basically just a sink. To go in that corner.

This I feel will be a major family win.
Because the girls get some major toy upgrades.
And I get less stuff, but stuff the stuff we will have will be stuff I think is nice to look at. (Read: Mental clarity.)
Also the girls will get to enjoy a cleaner house just due to the fact it won’t be able to get so dirty.
And when they get asked to clean it won’t be so daunting. (To be honest I want to throw worse fits than they do when I think of cleaning those toys we have right now.)

I keep mentally going back to this post I once saw on Pinterest. A mom took away her kids toys. All of them. And the kids were way better for it.
When you read the follow up post, it sounds more like long term they just have very limited amounts of toys. Which is basically what I would like to achieve.

The only hard part I foresee is making sure we don’t get given tons more toys again by people who are just being loving.
And giving away stuff that people spend good money feels awful. (I’m totally fighting guilt through this whole process of mine.)

I’m still trying to figure out how to handle that.
But one thing I liked from those posts I just mentioned was the idea that they like to spend money on experiences instead of things. So instead of toys, a trip to the zoo. That kind of thing. I think we could ask for things like that for gifts.
And that author mentioned for birthdays its not about the toys but the fun of the party.

So we will see.
I don’t expect this to get fixed over night. And I don’t think it will be a cure-all to my life.

But I’m excited about it because I feel like I’m finally just agreeing to be myself even inside motherhood. I’m not letting who I am scare me into worrying I’ll ruin my kids.

So that’s one thing I’ve been doing while not blogging. Figuring all this out and making big plans for it.
(I think most of this will come to pass this Christmas, with my paring down what we have more and more until then.)

This past week I also went through our clothes. The weather kinda made me. I was not looking forward to it at all. We have WAY to much! It’s been amazing how much we’ve been loved on with clothing, we’ve hardly had to buy anything for our girls.
But when our drawers are overflowing, I just stop again. Too much laundry. Too many choices. And the girls end up wearing pjs over a few days in a row. (Until too much spaghetti sauce gets on them.)

SO I pared it way way down. And what do you know, the girls have been dressed almost every day since. And laundry isn’t overtaking my world either.

Wonders of glorious just-enough.

Anyway, besides that….

We’ve been doing a bit of house stuff here and there. Like adding in our baseboards in the living room.

I’m still working on getting the girls room done. They are getting matching pink beds! We are all pretty pumped about these!

And we are gonna be re-doing our roof on the sunroom this weekend. So…big stuff. Blake is sort of nervous to do this ourselves, but we have some great help coming, including people who know what they are doing. And when you get a quote for having one small part of our roof redone (the smallest and easiest part of it) for close to $4,000 (and maybe even more because of they extra contingencies they throw in) DIY sounds SO SO SO much better!!

It’s gonna be awesome to not have to run in there with buckets and towels every time it rains anymore!

So I’ll keep you filled in on all that stuff!! More pictures and stories. Exciting stuff!

New Favorite Bra

While pregnant the first time I ran into the issue of not fitting into standard size bras, so I started altering them to fit me, which saved me tons of cash since 34Gs and 34Hs cost like $80 a pop. I blogged that altering process and since then the post has had well over 40,000 views. (Which blows my mind!)

That being said, I thought I might be somewhat of a bra-blogger. (Not really at all -- but I do know the perils of bra shopping.) And that being the case, I thought I’d share with you my current favorite bra. (By the way, no one is paying for for saying this. Kinda wish they were! But they aren’t!)

Since being pregnant the first time (5 years ago) causing me to go up 5 bra sizes, breastfeeding, losing the baby weight plus 15lbs, then breastfeeding while pregnant, getting very pregnant, breastfeeding some more, losing that baby weight, and then fluctuating a few pounds up and down, while working out and not having time to work out, and almost weaning my two year old who maybe nurses a couple times a week right now, I’ve seen more than my fare share of bra sizes. I haven’t been in one size bra for more than a few months for 5 years now. Bra shopping is almost on my to-do calendar. But I don’t like sorting through so many bras anymore. I just want to reach in my drawer and come up with something that fits.

Normally I like molded cup underwire bras.

But this last time I started really working out, coincided with my toddler basically self weaning, so my bra size just evaporated and I had to go shopping. But I didn’t know where I would end up. So I started looking at not molded stretch bras.

And I landed on this one.
Bali Comfort Revolution Underwire with Smart Sizes

It doesn’t look like it’s got a lot going for it on the rack. But I am really impressed by it.
It’s way more supportive than I would have ever thought possible. I even wear it during low- medium impact workouts. It does give a nice shape -- although it doesn’t give you that same full shaping as a molded cup, and it also can’t give you quite the same nipple concealing as the foam cups, but even still I’m impressed.
AND here’s the deal maker for me -- I’ve never tried on a more comfortable bra IN MY LIFE! I want to sleep in these more than my sleep bras!
So while this might not be your sexy bra -- it is a FANTASTIC at home bra!

Another bonus -- it’s super easy to nurse in, because you can just stretch and pull it down. I’m pretty sure this would work for anyone.

Other awesomeness? One size fits through tons of sizes, and/or sizes changing. (Like when you are nursing and your changes a few sizes during the day between nursing sessions. Or like when you are just generally getting back to a non-nursing size, or just losing some weight.) I don’t think I’m gonna need to buy a different size bra for a long time. (We’ll see what happens if we have another baby. But till then I think I’m set! no matter what my weight and or boobs do.)

The other great thing is, I’m technically still not a normal bra size, but I can wear this off the rack.
Just so you know what I’m saying, and you might see if t could work for you, I’ll give you my measurements.
My rib cage is 29” around, and the fullest part of my chest is 36.” Which technically makes me something like a 30E or maybe a 28F. I’ve totally give up on knowing what size I am -- for one thing I’ve not stayed one for long. And for another thing brands aren’t consistent. Also most stores would probably end up putting me in something like a 32C, maybe even a 34B. (Even if that’s not technically correct. Only REAL(often self owned and not inside the mall) bra stores (not Victoria Secret) actually know what they are doing.)

ANYWAY. It doesn’t matter with this bra.

I did think, based off my band measurements, I’d wear an extra small -- but the cup was too tight.
So the small fits in the cups perfect, with room to go up or down. And the band still fits great too -- no riding up.

I love the no thinking aspect. And the no bra snootiness of it all. (No more worrying about REAL bra stores.) I’m so done thinking about my boobs.
(But I don’t feel like this bra is a “I give up” bra. Like I said -- not your “sexy bra” -- but a fantastic every day mom bra. And I mean that in the best way. I might never buy a nursing bra again -- even if I nurse another baby forever. I’ve never experienced any issues from using underwires while nursing, I know that’s not the case for everyone, but I’m good with them.)

It comes in cute colors to make you feel a little fun too.
I found my first one in Kolhs. I bought one off the clearance rack for $7 (discontinued color) and another one for a higher sale price. After that I’ve bough a few more off amazon or ebay because you can get the cheaper there.

So if you are wanting to give it a try -I’d go in store to check it out, and if you have time for shipping you can save some money shopping online.

But just thought I’d share my great discovery!
(I get zero money from you clicking these links -- they are just there to help.)

My Very Best Traveling with Two Kids Advice (Or Any Number, Really)

Yesterday's post is inspiration for today's post.

Traveling with two.

via

Why does yesterday's potty training post inspire that?....well the best thing I've learned about traveling (as the solo adult) with two small kids revolves around potty training.

But let me back up.


Traveling (as the solo adult) with two kids long distance is a whole new beast, as compared to traveling with one.
One was hard.
But after experiencing travel with two, I look back at traveling with one as a piece of cake.

Some Solutions

I just went back and found some posts where I was sharing how I was trying to figure out some stuff as a new mom. (Well... some of the issues don't have that much to do with being a mom -- just my life -- like the closets in our rented duplex.)

And since I have figured some of it out for myself, I thought I would share.

I apologize in advance, this post is just gonna be kinda a jumble of stuff.

The first solution I wanna share was my struggle to "Understanding The Toddler Mind."

Nearly a year ago, I shared with you how I just don't understand small children.

For some reason I get babies. Maybe because its pretty much eating, sleeping and cleaning.

But once they can show me a mind of their own, I'm lost.

I have never spent time around kids, unless you count when they were my peers, loooong before becoming a mom. My life just kinda lined up in a way that I never was around people much younger than me. And I never baby sat or anything. I also didn't take any classes on kids (unless you count that one in high school where they basically tried to scare teenagers away from getting pregnant by showing labor movies, giving you a fake baby doll that cries all night, and telling you how expensive kids are.)

So I've been lost. REALLY lost since Jasmine turned two.

I tried looking for some books, but I didn't come across what I was looking for until now.

(So, I totally missed out understand two year olds! :) We have moved on to being confused by three year olds now.)

I just grabbed this book of the library shelf this past week and I am LOVING it!

Its called: "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy" by Louise Bates Ames. (I found the inclusion of the word "Enemy" a turn off, but I get the usage of it, and I'm glad I still grabbed the book despite my idealism.)

I don't know if anyone else would like it. But its seriously EXACTLY what I was hoping to find. Just a book that explains what a person of that age is like: what they are capable of, what they find difficult, what a stereotypical persona of that age looks like, what they enjoy, what they dislike, basics of their day and how they see the world.

Its like the author read my mind on what I needed to know.

Now the book is a little older. It came out in 1985. So I read a couple reviews on amazon of some of her books where people were thinking it didn't apply now. But, I can say for me its a total hit. The author acknowledges that every kid is an individual and they each go through things in their own way -- but the generalizations she makes really do fit what me and Jasmine are going through. And I find it really reassuring because I never could tell before I read this if she was doing something strange, or something that needs correction, or if its just an age appropriate thing she will out grow. And as long as I know its just an age thing I don't feel compelled to worry about it any more. And I can take deep breathes and just say, "It will get better."

I'll be going back and reading the one year old and two year old books for Ruby's sake. And I'll definitely be reading the four year old book and likely the rest too. (They go up to nine years old, and then there is a book covering 10 -14 years old.) The one I'm reading is really helping me out, so I'm definitely looking forward to the others.

Ok moving on to clothes:

Around Thanksgiving last year I whined about having no nice jeans and not being able to find underwear that fit, are cute, comfy and not wedgie machines.