Checking in and Two Helpful Concepts for kids at home

I just wanted to pop in and say hi.

So, as I’m sure you know, times are interesting these days with the coronavirus shelter in place. There’s a lot to process for everyone, each setting/person/family being affected in its own way, even as we go through it together, we experience it uniquely.

I’ve come to enjoy the personal processing of life quietly, so I don’t often want to blog much based on that.

But I did think it a good idea to pop in and say we are ok. 

Our family is very lucky, in that we have a lot of normal still. Blake’s job has been transitioned to him teaching the college courses online. (He goes into his empty office and labs, to record content to put online, Monday- Friday.) And of course, we had already been homeschooling our kids. So our day to days look very much the same as before.

Additionally, on some level, we have tasted some components of social distancing before, because of food allergies. (Things like we have spent holidays with just our immediate family at home many times already. So our Easter didn’t feel jarring this year.)

Of course, there are so many things that have changed. And we miss what we miss. Some of this is hard for the kids to process, its emotional. It’s strange and different overall. But we are lucky in that our day to day wasn’t turned upside.

We are still healthy. We are still growing. And on the whole we are happy— still allowing for sad as it comes. And we work towards solutions for what we need.

Two things I feel are currently worth sharing in case it helps anyone else with kids at home now.

They have have helped us in our house as far as how life is affected by having kids at home ALL THE TIME. This works for us, your mileage will vary.

First: Having Official snack time.

Kids love snacks (don’t we all, actually.) And they will literally ask all day long. (I know because I’ve lived it, and now I keep reading about others living it currently and losing their minds.) Years ago I made us an official snack time. (Because I was losing my mind.) I set it at 3:00. (Later I moved it to 2:00. Because we eat early meals and that puts about 3 hours between everything for us.)

Suddenly I told the kids they could only have snacks then. For the first day or two they were furious— so many fits, so much whining and begging and acting as through they would starve to death. But they accepted it. And then for the next bunch of weeks I had to answer the question “What time is it?” an unimaginable amount of times. But my four year old learned how to tell time surprisingly fast. 😆 And after the initial phase, snacks have not been an issue —even for the younger kids because this was already in place before they were born. 

As far as the process— we have special plates we use. (Glass Vintage Snack Trays.) Because I wanted it to feel like a special tradition they can look back on. I’m very lenient with what they eat. We have a cabinet full of snacks, and they can pick what they have.

 I’ve always been very verbal about how they need to pay attention to how they feel after they eat and make choices that help them feel good. And I’m also very clear about how if they eat through the snacks before our next grocery trip there will be none until we shop again. So they are excellent at not over doing it. Sometimes a visitor seems surprised by our level of snacking —the kids usually get themselves a handful of potato chips, a 1/2 tablespoon measuring spoon scoop of (dairy free) chocolate chips (the spoon is the way we ration it fairly over the week), a fruit snack or fruit roll up, and one little Aldi (allergy free) cookie. (Or if we have left over cake/ fancy desserts they choose a slice of cake or normal snack.) So while this seems like a lot of snack food— it keeps them from even seeming to crave any extras during the day. And the rest of the day they eat so healthy— totally unprompted. I let them get their own lunches together and it’s truly mind blowing to me how healthy they are—  I wasn’t for sure at their age. I think we have found our good equilibrium. I also think it may aid in their future eating habits— balancing coming easier perhaps.

(Side note: I also have a snack at snack time too. However, mine is less extravagant.)

Second: Fun (Cleaning) Friday 

This is only about a month old at our house, I benefited from another mom sharing the cleaning component as part of her normal homeschooling routine. And then made it our own. 

So on Fridays now, we basically unschool in the morning — I told the kids to think of anything they want to know more about and I will do my best to find a documentary about. So far we have watched about dinosaurs going extinct, panda bears, parts of an orchestra, dolphins, sea turtles, and deep ocean creatures. 

Before we start the movie we clean up the family room really well, spread out a blanket, for the popcorn I make. 

(Side note: if anyone is looking for a diary free version of cheesy popcorn— look into nutritional yeast. (It’s yellow flaky stuff we buy in the bulk area of fancier/more natural/crunchy grocery stores.) You just sprinkle it over the fresh hot popcorn with some salt and stir it around. It was not immediately yummy to me— because it’s not dairy— but I acquired the taste and now I love it and crave it. And they kids are obsessed.) (Nutritional yeast also goes into many cheesy recipes well.)

After the movie they are assigned chores which earn them one show on Netflix, after the chore is done. And we try to do a least two, or three time chunks of chores and Netflix. But it depends on what we need to do.

I’ve mainly used this to accomplish stuff that nags me but I can’t get to on my own.

So far in our month of Friday efforts, we have super cleaned the kitchen cabinet faces and appliances  —scrubbing off kitchen grease built up and little splatters that accumulate. Deep cleaned the three bathrooms. Super scrubbed down our painted stairs. And gone around and dusted everything and cleaned the windows.

This works well because it’s usually during nap time for my toddler, or if not one of us can keep her out of the mix. (And I don’t have to dedicate nap time to formal school lessons.)

I have loved Friday’s since starting this. We love the morning. (I love documentaries myself. And they like they popcorn and group time and predictable routine mix up and.) And they are ok with the chores, love the Netflix rewards. And I am thrilled with the overall uptick in cleanliness. Plus I have a goal of them knowing the ropes of keeping up a dwelling by the time they are adults.

This concept has been so great because I have been struggling for a while figuring out how to balance these elements. And this just clicked for us this way.

Right now the chores have to be pretty much narrated by me through the whole thing. But I have faith that after a while this will be stuff I can set them to do alone because they know how.

(They have been cleaning the family room so often they can do that unguided— so I have the proof there.) I’m willing to spend the time upfront for the payoff later.

My oldest two do most the chores, but my 4.5 year old helps as much as he can.

This stuff does take a small amount of forethought for all of us. I let the kids know on Monday to be thinking about their documentary ideas. I spend some time thinking what chores really would be best. And if they tell me soon enough I spend some time looking for the best documentary on the subject. But overall it’s pretty easy to just do.

I hope that as my kids get a little older (and I’m out of that must-always-have-eyes-on-the-toddler phase) I can add a bit more into our Fridays. Something like art or baking lessons. But for now this is all we are ready for.

(As a reference point my kids are currently 9.5, 7.5, 4.5 and 1.5)

Anyway. Those are a few things I’ve been happy about. (And FYI, We aren't this together on every level. And even though we clean like crazy on Friday, by Tuesday our house still looks like a tornado hit it. Zero perfection over here.)  But I’m mentioning it because maybe they can bring you some kind of happiness or help too. Or just prompt something unrelated but somehow related. 

But if not, that’s totally fine. Do what works for you! Best is different for everyone. 

Update -- Life with 4

Guys,

I was trying to finish Lily’s birth story this morning, and I took a break to go nurse her, and when I got back the computer had closed out my writing and not saved. I don’t even understand the way it saved what it saved, and the parts it didn’t save. It wasn’t in any expected way -- some of the story is there, some of it isn't.
So I’m bummed, cause it takes a while to write these days, and now I have to rewrite a lot of it. But that’s life.

Anyway, I thought instead I’d do a quick update.

We are doing great.
My hip is better after a few trips to the Chiropractor. Overall my body feels probably the best I’ve ever felt 6 weeks after giving birth. (Although TMI truth be told, I’m still dealing with hemorrhoids and those are less than ideal. But outside of that, I’m feeling really good.)
Lily is a happy, easy going baby. She’s starting to smile -- and it’s delightful.

The big kids all love her and are very good helpers.

We’ve been able to get school done fairly well so far.
I’m just starting to get the hang of adding cleaning back into life -- and that feels really nice.
But I am shocked at how much laundry there is anymore. Which is weird because Lily really doesn’t add much laundry yet. It’s kinda baffling. But I feel like I am ALWAYS doing laundry. (Because I am.)

The downside to life right now is a plumbing issue which lead to us taking the reading room ceiling off again.

And I wasn’t expecting that level of construction to be mixed into baby days. But again, that’s life. I was VERY overwhelmed by it initially. Like just so so disappointed, and down, and stressed, and upset with myself. But a week out from the ceiling coming down and I’m feeling a bit more centered. We get to address the design of this room again.
As well as the bathroom floors upstairs.

Which at first was just a huge part of the stress. But at this point I’m kinda looking forward to the new things to come. (Although still yet to be excited about the process.)

I’ve sold off a bit of stuff since that event -- clearing some more space in the house and trying to really figure out how to use this space for US -- and how we want to use it. I always feel so refreshed when taking out stuff that isn’t a fit anymore.

I added two plants to the house (in the kitchen and my bedroom) by splitting some of my bigger snake plant into new pots. I cannot even express how great that makes me feel. I didn’t know it would bring me so much peace and joy having some more living plants around. I’m also trying to root a few extra leaves in water -- we will see what happens.

Anyway,
I gotta get going back to my crew.

Just wanted to try and let you know I’m doing good and I’ll try to write the birth story again sometime. I hope.

Love,
Lydia

Hi guys. I’ve been pretty quiet on here. 

     I think I’ve said this in numerous ways before, but I’m still working through all the hard things from the last few years. (My 3rd pregnancy’s physical and emotional challenges. The death of my grandpa, followed shortly by the death of my brother. And all the ways those events changed my life.)I needed some time to, very quietly, be myself. Some time to assess things. Some time to approve things. And I really, especially, needed to do that without explaining any of it. That’s just what I needed to heal.
     So I’ve not shared much online. And I’ve been very selective about what I share offline as well.     The process of giving myself that level of grace has been transformative. 
     During this quiet time, we’ve tackled a lot of projects. Both inside our house and outside in the yards. As well as in our lives.     And one of these projects definitely stands head over heels above the others. It’s a project I wasn’t sure I’d EVER tackle. And it took months and months to complete. But I’m pleased to reveal the results…







     At the beginning of August we added a very precious new family member. After 41 weeks of pregnancy (that thankfully were not as difficult as my third pregnancy, yet decidedly were more effortful than my first two) we welcomed a new daughter. On the blog I will call her Lily. (I like to keep my kids’ real names off the Blog for their privacy.) She was born 8 lbs 10oz, 21” long, healthy and strong.



      Last summer I embraced the idea that I really did want four kids, despite the fear of another pregnancy. Blake and I talked through the “what if’s”, made a few plans, and back up plans. And then chose to go for it.
     Feeling fairly sure this was our last pregnancy, I really wanted to respect it in best way possible for me. I decided I wanted as private a pregnancy as possible. No matter how it went, I didn’t feel like explaining anything to anyone. I didn’t want any opinions, good or bad. I didn’t want any additional concerns, besides my own. And after the last difficult pregnancy, and then the grieving period on the heels of that.... I didn’t have any additional energy to give to anything other than putting my feet where they needed to go. I wanted quiet space to just do that. In the past few years, the additional pressures of others’ feelings were bringing on panic attacks. I wasn’t able to healthily separate myself and I couldn’t figure out how to handle all those feelings at once. I knew that level of anxiety would physically affect my pregnancy and the baby. So we did not announce our pregnancy (online or off.)  And it allowed a healthy space for me and my baby to grow.
     Since the decision to get pregnant again was something we gave some time to, I was able to do some major prep work beforehand. I made doctors appointments to ensure I didn’t have anything underlying that could impact pregnancy for me. (Mainly wondering if there was something wrong last time to cause all that nausea. And also making sure all that nausea didn’t hurt anything. As well as just a general physical checkup after so much stress and grief.) I was given clean bills of health all around. 
     And so while that was in the works, we chose to complete the harder projects for me, in our house while we waited. (Mainly sewing the couch covers, and painting the kitchen cabinets.) And man, am I glad we did that!
     Then in the remaining time before nausea set in, I cooked up tons of meat and froze it in our deep freezer so it would be ready for the family when I wasn’t ready to deal.


     As I said, thankfully this pregnancy wasn’t as hard as my third. I did have extended nausea. I took Unisom throughout the whole thing to deal with it. But thankfully, about half way through my second trimester I started having chunks of time when the nausea paused for a bit of the day. And the difference in unrelentingly nausea vs getting breaks from it, made all the difference in my sanity.
     I also discovered ginger beer — (like root beer -- nonalcoholic) and unlike ginger ale, it’s made with real ginger. How it took till pregnancy number four for that is beyond me. (No idea how it would have been during my #3’s intensity level. My guess is less than impressive? But I’ll never know.)
     Having lived through pregnancy #3, and then being able to see Bronny and his outrageously lovable self walking around and snuggling me, definitely made it easier to keep perspective during hard days.

     But I found not documenting or sharing the pregnancy a huge relief. I didn’t have any additional processing to do besides just being there and doing it. And the pregnancy flowed faster without the constant countdown going.
     Then thankfully, by about halfway through the third trimester, nausea was only an occasional thing, instead of the norm.
     Energy was very hard to come by this time, likely due both to being older myself and having more kids to care for this time. But it all worked out just fine.
Everything kinda just started to blend into what it needed to be. 
     
      Near the end my nesting was strong! For this pregnancy our house is much more completed than last time. So I was doing the nitty gritty organizing stuff, and decorating details stuff, like a mad woman. And Blake is my hero for helping me whenever I asked. 
     I’ve never felt so at home in any of my adult homes. I was really able to harness my hormones and channel them into crafting just what I was aiming at. (Some of which was found by trail and error.)


     And finally little Lily arrived. I had a lot of Braxton-Hicks this pregnancy. So that last chunk of time was just as confusing as every end-of-my-pregnancies have been. But I was way more at peace with waiting around this time. It helps not being watched by the world and being able to kinda dissociate from the calendar a bit. But the fact that she showed up before 42 weeks (unlike my other three) will forever thrill me! (41+1 day counts as early for me!)

     Since her arrival I’ve been feeling really good. Her delivery was really smooth and I didn’t tear this time. Which is awesome! And I owe that to my midwife, because she very specifically helped during pushing to avoid some stuff that happened last time. 


     Unfortunately, I am struggling with some intense hip pain on one side. Lily had one hand on her face in utero (so long that she had her nose smashed to the side for about a week after birth) and it made that hip act up at the end of pregnancy. And then she left that hand there on her way out. So I think the uneven pressure on my pelvis during pushing is to blame for my hip pain. I’m seeing a chiropractor now and trying some stretches to try to work it out. It’s improving. But I have a ways to go to feel normal.
     
     But no matter what I went through, and continue to go through, I’m soooooo grateful to have this precious person in our family. 

     I’m so happy I chose to allow space for her instead of letting fear keep her out of our lives. It feels really nice to have so many pieces in place right now. We feel whole. We feel ready to grow into ourselves as a family.


     Lily is just the sweetest little person. We are all really enjoying getting to know her.

     And I do plan on writing her birth story when I get a chance.


     (Also sharing our kitchen which is actually finally done now. It just took a long time to get the details in place and now you know why.)

Love to you all.

Netflix's "Abstract: The Art of Design"

Last night I decided to try watching Netflix's Original "Abstract The Art Of Design." 

And being me, I skipped ahead to episode 8 which had the interior designer.

Have you watched it?

I LOVED IT.

When thinking of anything to tell you about it--

I'm rendered either speechless, or just rambling incesently about how inspiring it is.

Ilse Crawford is....

I'm sitting here silently pondering what to say here...

Do I go over dramatic and say she's my new hero? 

Do I try to sincerely convey how inspiring she is?

 I'm honestly just  dumbstruck.

She spoke both words in my heart, and words my heart needed to hear.

If you have any inclination towards interior design, or if you enjoy hospitality, or if you feel strongly about your home or workplace being a haven....

Turn this on sometime.

You're in for a inspirational treat.

Blake watched it with me and was also very impressed.

He's not particularly into interiors, but he teaches design to his engineering students. So it was applicable in that regard.

Early in the show she says that "Empathy is key in design." I remarked how cool I think that is and Blake told me that's what they teach their students. 

The way she speaks of humanity is just so deep. Which is wonderful in this context  -- because often design is looked at as shallow. But it is anything but.

(I'm looking forward to to the whole series. But this one I'm definitely watching  again!

And I'm definitely looking into her books.)

Let me know if you've seen it...or when you do.

I'm dying to gush with someone over it.

Where I've been, Where I am

Thank you each for your responses.

I’ve been really very busy this month: Starting school (teaching two at home this year -- first time for me), Blake and my 10 year wedding anniversary (!!WHAT?!?) , traveling to see the total solar eclipse in totallity (that was one of the MOST amazing things I have ever experienced!) 

Just saw this Eclipse! Super sweaty and sandy because Bronny fell in the  river bank while throwing sticks.

, house projects, and now prepping to host a lady’s get together coming right up.

But, as I’ve been up to those things, I’ve really been mulling over your responses, and my own feelings about the blog.

I think the single biggest issue for me has been that sharing grief thoughts on the blog, has not the same as sharing other vulnerable issues on the blog. Mainly I think, because well--- the other issues I’ve shared, while they made bleed through to other people’s lives, were/are mainly just my own personal things to deal with. But grief belongs to anyone who cared about the person who is gone.

     Something I didn’t anticipate about grief was the concept of people’s response to my response. It’s at a different level than normal events. And I haven’t been equipped to manage that. So I decided to grieve offline. And that’s been really healthy.

   In pulling back there, I found more connection to people in person. And that’s been wonderful.

    And in pulling back in one area of my online persona, I found myself realizing that I’m not really equipped to manage people’s response to much of anything I put online, so I found myself wanting to pull back in many areas to a more offline life. (If you are Facebook friends of my personal page, or follow my Instagram account, I’m sure you have noted a very steep decline in my posts.)

     And when I did that I felt so very free, and so much happier. And so much more alive. Because I was living; not living to have something to post. I stopped having so many over-analyzing thoughts. I stopped watching my kids for things I can post about -- I just started being with them, and liking what I like because I liked it (or feeling free to dislike something without maneuvering anyone’s response to that -- no figuring out how to get camaraderie comments or bolstering myself to withstand the “it goes so fast” internet speach.) I stopped wondering if I was wrong so often; because I wasn't thinking about how someone else would think about what I was doing. I started relaxing. I started enjoying.

(Clarity disclaimer -- I don’t mean I’m operating this way at 100% by any means -- just that it’s improving. And it all didn’t happen overnight -- I’ve been pulled back for quite some time now. It’s been a slow build, but one that I am very happy with.)

That freedom really got into my veins and it’s been hard to decide how to proceed with anything online.

I really love blogging. So I’m not writing a goodbye post right now. I’m just writing an explanation of where I am at.

I love that you guys feel connected to me, and that we are friends, and we care about each other. And I’m sorry if it leaves you out -- the way I am working through this stuff. But I’m sure you can be glad for the progress I am making.

As I mull over the blog I keep coming back to the fact that I have been very real with it, and I think that’s why you are here. And so it’s been hard... the fact that my current real is much more pulled back.  Because that feels less real. But as I type to day I’m realizing that this quiet is actually very authentic and even a form of vulnerability.

I think that’s really all that’s been holding me back -- is my own lack of seeing my quietness as a form of authenticity, and another way of being vulnerable and real -- because overarchingly, I am a quiet person. I have lots and lots of thoughts, but generally, I mull them over inside and I’m not always ready to say them in tons of situations. And it’s taken me YEARS to lean into the idea that, my quietness isn’t wrong, or bad, or offensive, or…or…or…

That’s it’s a very ok part of how I am made.

So as for the blog...I think I just have to come to terms with that. And be ok with it myself. That it’s been a quiet time for even this “less quiet looking” space of mine. And not let that freak me out and stop me from saying ANYTHING. Because I have things still to say. I may just need some time before I say them.

But that said -- I have a bunch of things to say coming up. I have to find time to say it -- or take pictures of it. Like I said -- I’m working on my new normal in our day to day lives (homeschooling two and a two year old needs to be kept busy durning that!) So as I get settled and used to life again I’ll start showing and telling again.

Thanks for liking who I am guys! No matter which random direction(s) I’ve taken this blog. Thanks for sticking with me.

Ask the Audience

Hey Guys,

Sorry I’ve kinda fallen off the blogging wagon.
Partially I’ve just been hunkered down with time consuming decisions (this year’s home school curriculum and various life-routines I want to get going so I can function as a homeschool mom and not let the other things fall to the wayside are my current biggies.)

But I also just feel so very introverted lately. I’m really mulling everything over, deep inside, and just not really even at a point to pull words out of me yet. Still grieving, still pulling my way through the changes therein. I just feel totally baffled about blogging since my brother died. I just can’t put my finger on my “why” of blogging. And I just can’t totally understand what’s of value, and what’s not anymore -- and if I don’t think I have something of value to say, I usually don’t feel like saying it. So I’m kinda stumped all the time when I go to blog.

I often wonder if anything that resonates with me, resonates with anyone else.
     Because, you know, honestly, I don’t need it to. I’m very ok with forging my own way and digging deep alone. I’m gonna keep learning and growing where I want to and need to no matter if anyone’s interested or not. But the question comes up when it comes time to blogging, and spending time typing stuff up.
Lately I have a really hard time not feeling like everything in my mind only applies to me, and so why bother sharing it. (That’s a common feeling for me -- for instance it even came up at my griefshare class --- where the point was to share our grief. But I often let myself feel like my grief only applied to me (as many in the class were grieving husbands, or other family members in more standard, still-connected-relationships, than I had with my brother whom I hadn’t seen for YEARS before he died.) So in the class, I did a similar thing where I just left my thoughts inside for only myself to hear --- why bother someone else with it when it’s totally inapplicable to them?

Generally speaking, I got dealt a very uncommon hand in life, with not just one, but lots of cards many people never have to play, so my go-to is to suck it up and independently deal with it. Because a lot of time people seriously have no clue how to help, so I don’t know how to ask for anything that will get me anywhere. So I’ve begun to think it’s more efficient to be self-sufficient. (It is, but it’s lonely and EXHAUSTING.) (And I’m working really hard on letting people in, but I’ve been doing that more so in person than online, because online has all the extra complications, and no guaranteed personal connection.)

So yeah, I think that’s got something to do with my lack of blogging. I used to use my blog as the one safe place to share this stuff, but I think these days, I’m overly cautious and basically I don’t know if anyone wants to hear anything I have to say. Lately, no matter which angle I take with the blog, I feel kinda wrong for sharing it.
I do try to remember back to that wonderful time, when I asked you guys why you read my blog and was really amazed and totally intrigued by the surprising-to-me answers you gave. I try to use that time as a reason to blog. But I’m feeling extra sensitive lately. And I’m just really nervous to be open, that I could be hurt by doing so. (This clearly has to do with my internal workings, not something you guys did.) And if I’m not feeling nervous to be open, I feel kinda apathetic about it. “Why bother, this affects no one but me?” And if I’m not either of those, I feel defensive, “Why share this, it will only give people room to judge me?” (To be clear, I’ve never read a judgmental comment form anyone on here, my paranoia is getting to me.)

This probably is a combo affect from grief and the DEEP digging of counseling, which is making more come to the surface and be “hearable” by me, instead of just quiet background noise I got used to and ignored. (I’m told this is the hardest part and that it’s worth it because then it goes away. But MAN this feel heavy.) (Crazy thing is, it’s not any heavier than it ever was, I just know it’s there now and that I CAN take it off eventually, whereas before I  accepted it as part of being alive.)

Anyway, that’s where I’m at.
So sorry for the lack of communication. I’m not ignoring you guys. I think about you all the time. And anyone who’s ever reached out to me personally because of this blog, I remember you and hold you sweetly in my heart, and I pull you up from my heart to carefully hold you and hope for you. If you reached out to me I took it very seriously and reverently, and really treasure that connection.

Anyway,
If you guys felt like commenting about what you might want to hear from me, I might feel more confident in going forward.

Apparently I’m not that scared of vulnerability, as I have no qualms about putting photos of myself with no makeup and messy hair on here. (Sometimes makeup and hair just isn’t on my to do list.)

• Do you want to see more of the decorating I’ve been doing? (If so, does it matter to you if I take the photos with my phone or the fancy camera?) (I got so little feedback after getting the backyard photographed I almost felt like the fancy camera was a turn off.)
• Were you intrigued by the Minimalism stuff? (Cause I was planning on going through room by room, then chickened out, thinking it’s not interesting to anyone but me.)
• Do you have any interest in food allergy meals/ food stuff in general? (I just did a month’s worth of freezer meals to prep for school -- which I was pretty proud of all the adaptions I had to make to get this to fit our situation.)
• Do any of you have any interest in homeschool stuff?
• What about more of these home routines I’ve been working on (like my cleaning schedule, or other habits?)
• Do you like when I give book suggestions?
• Do you like seeing sewing projects? (I just made some pillow covers, and am adding decorative trim to some throw blankets.)
• More clothes thought? (That last post got good conversation going.)
• Would you guys like my tips on thrifting/craigslist/design-on-a-dime type stuff?
• Do you enjoy being included in some of my more personal thoughts, like grief? Or would you honestly just prefer to skip that? (Don’t feel bad -- I usually can’t read much of other people’s grief because I can’t carry it all.) 
• Is there something/anything else you are hoping for, that you think I have in me?

Would you like it if I upped the quality on my photography? Would that feel inspiring? Or does that feel like I’m moving over to that unattainable -instagram-faux-life-advertising camp?

I’m so back and forth about this right now. Part of me knows this isn’t a good time for me to really push with my blog because I’m deep inside some stuff, and I’m really needing to commit to my kids currently. But another part of me wants to do something just for me and kinda push myself.

In my pretend world I keep making my blog into something lovely and moving. (Obviously in my real life I leave the blog unattended for weeks at at time.)

I watched someone’s motivational online class about really using instagram well. And I thought, “I could do that!”And that left me trying to decide what I have to bring to the table.
The main thing I could come up with is something along the lines of "affordable, sustainable luxury” AKA living a life that feels luxurious (beautiful) but done with mainly thrift stores, craigslist and wise spending. I feel like that sums up my general" stuff concept.” I think I could put effort into making it instagram cool. But would people care? And if I were ever hoping to really make anything of my blog as some sort of career…how on earth could that happen with that as my focus? It’s not like there are affiliate links to “this thing I found at ReStore and painted.”

And then I think, "Lydia, settle down, and focus on doing the dishes and attempt to get up early tomorrow! Just do that much. (And order more curriculum you decided would fill in that gap, quick before you NEED it. And order the cabinet you need to finish that other project. And…and…and…what blog?)"

ANYWAY

I’d love another heavy commenting here. I just kinda need some reassurance to keep typing.

I haven’t seen you in a while...

I haven’t been blogging much these days.

I’ve been in a what I can only describe as a “Second Jr. High” stint.

via

(I know, Napoleon Dynamite --that’s actually high school. I just didn’t have access to bad jr high photos of myself currently, nor did I have the heart to borrow anyone else’s from the internet. Although I enjoyed a fun google search for a few moments. I felt safe to use this one without hurting anyone’s feelings.  Anyway….)

The comparison being to the awkwardness level of Jr. High:
     The heightened self-awareness, alongside the discomfort that comes with it. The physical changes to your body that you have to dress, only you never really thought a lot about getting dressed until suddenly it’s impossible to do so because everything is different and you feel really conspicuous. Your complexion changes. Makeup is a part of the game -- but the learning curb is steep. Suddenly you don’t understand your hair (because before you just didn’t care, and now you do, but you have no skills or general knowledge.) Social hurdles. And how your body clocks seeming messed up -- always being tired at the wrong times, but awake when it’s fun. Responsibilities that are new to you.

Yeah -- pretty much all of that happened to me recently.

Grief had me in a foggy haze for a year.

And as the sun started to burn the fog off a bit, all of a sudden I was facing all those issues all over again but different.

It was honestly just as overwhelming as it was to my in junior high. Only, this time I had the capacity to tell myself -- it will get better, you will figure this out.

So just a run through on how now is “Jr. High" for me.

--- Heightened self awareness: one word --- counseling. 

I’m facing down a bunch of mental road blocks, and personal deficits, and doing my best to counteract them. (Please don’t let that scare you away from counseling -- it is AMAZING and I think everyone could benefit from it. This information I am getting at counseling is brought out at the pace that I’m ready to face it at. It’s not like someone slamming you in the head with a hammer of change -- it’s self inspired, just guided by someone who’s trained to keep you on a healthy course.) 

But all this self awareness can makes me raw and I often feel really naked out in public. And I’m having to really think hard throughout my whole day on what I’m letting my mind say to me and others. So it’s tiring. (But good.)

--- Physical changes -- after I lost all the baby weight, mixed with the strangeness of grief (taking away a lot of my identity -- it’s a thing), I literally had NO idea how to dress myself.  It was silly but I had about a week there where I was starting to get anxiety just looking at my closet. (It got better when I finally allowed myself to buy pants that fit. But even that was overwhelming -- shopping once you have kids only gives you small windows of time to accomplish anything, and I didn’t have a CLUE what sizes and brands to reach for at this point -- so I was mad-dashing through stores with SUPER confusion -- you know how each brand does it own thing in terms of sizing, it’s tricky!) I’ve now bought enough basics to cover my body. But I’m kinda at square one with figuring myself out in this area. I actually do not know my style at all anymore. But I do know that quality-level/ hand-feel has become much more important to me than it used to be.

--- My face -- it’s changed. It’s still breaking out (seriously….the universe needs to put some kind of time limit to this madness. Not fair.) but I’m also realizing aging happens. I’m getting forehead lines. And my skin is just different in a way I can’t describe -- older. (I’m just going to say that the stress of grief really does add years.) So I recently went through a seriously awkward chunk of time (maybe a month?) where I was really botching my makeup hard. I was trying to address the sickliness-look that comes from grief, while simultaneously maneuvering the age shift that surprised me. And I had a clownish month or so. Thankfully I pushed through and look human again. Phew. I figured out a better makeup routine, as well as a skin care routine that’s not giving me perfect skin, but is definitely improving it.

--- My hair -- I’ve been on and off again with medium/short hair for a bit now. But the last time I had it cut, it was just a smidgen shorter than I had it before (and I liked the hair cut a lot) and yet mixed with everything else going on, I felt like I had no idea who I was when I looked in the mirror. I sucked it up way better than my jr high self did (who would have cried like a jr high girl lol) and just whatevered my way through.  But I just didn’t know how to look like “me" -- or who “me” even was in general, for a while there. (My grief class, that I started a bit ago, says it’s normal. So yay, for knowing I didn’t lose my mind.)

--- Social hurdles. Up until recently, my life events seemed to isolate me into near emotional oblivion. I was starting to feel entirely “too much” for human consumption. After enough coaxing from my counselor (who was telling me there’s nothing wrong with me socially, I have the sociability to make friends, and that people need friends, and that I may just need to place myself inside different circumstances and groups of people to get that) Blake and I decided we would look for a new church. Seeing as how I’m a stay at home, homeschooling, mom -- church is really the only place I interact with adults. It was a hard decision for us, we weren’t mad at our church or anything, but I just had not connected with people there. And with grief, I mostly just showed up, cried my eyes out, excused myself to my car (because I wasn’t just "single tear" crying, I was an inch from hysterical) and then wait for Blake to bring the kids out and go home totally broken. It was just kinda super crappy circumstances that kept happening in my life that really impeded things.

But this January, I hit the year mark of grief, and I thought if I was in a new location (a place where I wasn’t looking at the same Christmas tree I had seen the year before -- remembering last year seeing those trees, in the short the moments before my life fell part--- the trees which made me crying just looking at invisible memories …if I was in a place where I didn’t have memories associated with anything at all) that I might be able to not ugly-cry. And if I’m wasn’t ugly-crying, maybe I could actually interact with people. And if I could interact with people, maybe I could “have people.” 

So after a lot of soul searching, that’s the route we went. We switched at the start of the year. And I’m so glad we did it. It’s been a very healthy change. But that’s not to say it wasn’t soul draining to make the change (and to share our change with the previous church and feel super bad to disappoint people.) Simultaneously it was soul draining to suck it up and be willing to face the huge fears that I might fall on my face again, and be alone some more. But thankfully that wasn’t the case I continue to find more connections and relationship now. It’s been so good for me. It’s been good for all of us.

--- Body clock -- mine is a mess! I’m trying so hard to be more intentional about how I spend my time. I’m trying to get more adequate sleep (says the lady who has a year and a half year old -- and who’s babies always have taken at least two years to sleep through the night.) And I’m also trying to force myself to become a morning person -- or at least wake up before the kids wake me up. But “woe to me” my body is a night owl. It’s a VERY uphill battle this battle. So as I’m working out the kinks here, I’m just kinda constantly tired. Because somehow I just keep shorting myself on sleep on both ends, but it’s sorta evening out. (And not to over do this -- but grief is also like MAJOR soul and body weary-ing. So I’m just kinda a slow moving women who’d love nothing more than a week’s worth of non-stop sleep in silence….wait…no, if it’s is imaginary, why am I stopping at one week? lol)

--- New responsibilities. Ok so, technically, these things are not new to me. But I am approaching life in more of a "take the bull by the horns” kind of way and forcing myself to be more grown up about my responsibilities. And/or just fully embracing who I want to be, and doing the hard work that it takes to accomplish that. The two biggest things there are I’ve officially dove into the minimalism pond and I’ve been cleaning out things that I don’t see as essential to us. I’m getting close to done with our house -- but it’s at that stage were the pile is small, but each thing is a harder mental process -- so it’s kinda slow going now.

     But besides that -- I’ve also been working on getting better at cleaning. And I’m pleased to say, I think I’ve found “the one” -- the cleaning system that works for me. (I’ll tell ya about it soon.) (Hmm that sounded sales-pitchy, there’s zero dollars involved.)

But yeah, minimalism and cleaning -- those two things actually kinda just seamlessly enmesh -- it’s cool. And they have been SOOOOOO fulfilling to me. But enacting them -- it's taken up my free time. So it’s been hard to find time to blog.
    I’m also just trying to become more mindful, and more present, and more purposeful in how I’m spending my life. Kinda reassessing what’s worth what to me. I’m trying to read more, and do a bit less Netflix binging. I’m making time to journal on paper again -- I was a life-long journal-er (I have a big bin of my old ones) but I got out of the habit, and I want that back in my life. In general, I’m trying to carve out small windows of me-time when I can get it -- so I can heal.

(By the way -- it’s been very hard for me to do ALL this and work out. So while I’m trying to fit it in still -- it’s very sporadic. It is actually important to me, so I’m hoping to get back into a groove on that soon. But I can only spin so many plates, and I’m trying to remember to be kind to myself about that fact.)

But because all these things, it’s been hard to know WHAT to blog. I also just needed to shelter myself for a while. It was just all so raw. A bunch of this stuff I wrote about might seem surface-y -- but it’s actually a really deep part of a person that chooses how we present our surface -- so it was hard dealing with so much change all at once, all while whirling inside grief. I wasn’t ready to, well I didn’t even have the stamina to, talk about it coherently before.

But having come out the other side of much of this stuff, I feel like I’m ready to blog again.

I definitely want to share with you my experience with decluttering, and my cleaning system helper-thing. And I think it’d be fun to share with you my makeup and skin care epiphanies.

Oh, and I’ve also been changing decor stuff around the house too -- house beautifying is my comfort food. So I’ll have to catch you up there as well!

So as time (and bedtimegoals) allow, I will be writing up my thoughts on that stuff. Buckle your seat belts. (But no promises on how fast I pull out of the drive way. lol)

A Baby Gate - for a weird situation

Bronny has entered the "MUST CLIMB STAIRS!!!!!!!" phase of life. This being our first time in this house, in this life stage, we did not have a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs.

And I didn't have a great idea on how to put one there, because there's nothing to support the standard kind of gate on one side -- because there is no wall to press it against.

I'd been looking on Pinterest, when I thought of it, for a while (before it was a must.) And then, like it does, life got busy and baby got mobile... and suddenly life was absolutely nonfunctional until we got one up. Every 15 seconds I had to run to the stairs and grab a baby. I was about to lose my mind. So we just went with the baby gate idea we could knock out the fastest. A fabric one.

I found these modern-ish coat hooks on clearance at Menards. 

And I grabbed them all up because I loved how they looked and how flat they stayed to the wall, and how cheap they wound up being. (I also wanted some coat hooks in the sunroom.)

I liked they they weren't really an injury threat for stair climbers because they stay so flush.

(If you are new around here -- our walls have big plans for beauty someday down the line -- currently they are horrible. We are aware. lol They are half wallpaper removed, half TERRIBLE old drywall. It’s not ideal.)

Then I just used some fabric (it’s paint-dropcloth fabric) and sized it to the space and sewed a casing on the edges, to slide a dowel rid into it for added ridgidity. And then I just  added ties to the corners to wrap around the hooks.

I'm fully aware that this gate isn't strong, and might be no match for a kid who's into conquering obstacles. But after an initial learning day, where we showed Bronny not to yank on it, he's just respected it as a boundary when it's up and not touched it.  He’s a pretty chill guy. He knows its downstairs-time when its up. (If it's down, then he flies up the stairs!) (And heads straight for his toothbrush!)

So life has returned to it’s previously scheduled level of mothering, sans stairs. 

(Hugely helpful!)

As far as how it looks…it’s kinda just "whatever", really.  If our stairs and walls were done, it might have a simple, old-world functional beauty --maybe. I don’t know. Baby gates are always ugly. So this one’s  ability to be kinda meh -- might be as good as it gets? But next to our haunted walls it kinda just looks drab-ish. But I don’t care -- I’m not chasing a baby!

P.S. Here are the hooks in the sunroom 

These happened because of the snow.

See, our family room door is how we've been used to getting to the back yard. But that room is carpeted, and kids with wet snow gear + light carpet is stressful.

So I decided that getting outside via the sunroom, will be the winter-way. (But it might become THE way -- I’m now thinking about spring mud….) 

But so, I wanted the kids to have somewhere to put their wet coats and snow pants... so here came the hooks. Same idea where I liked the look of these hooks AND that they won't grab your legs on the way by. So far so good with their use. Someday they will probably be too low for good use (much sooner for snow pants than later) but for now it’s good. 

As far as a life update -- if you are interested read on. If not -- that’s pretty much all the pictures for now.

I’ve been kinda just laying low lately with blogging. Mostly because I really did want to keep the Christmas season wrapped up in safety and peace. But with that in mind I have very much been questioning what is safe, and what is worth the risk?

I’m in a hard and confusing season. We are coming up on the year anniversary of my brother’s death. The Christmas trees right now are making me think of last year, when he was last still alive, and it’s surreal.

I’m also in a season of making choices. They are choices that might look like subtle little things, but are actually the kind of choices that when added up over a lifetime will be major game changers. I know they are the right thing to do, I know they need to be done for the good of all of my family. The thing is, making these choices has kept coming up against some very hard resistance and hurt feelings.

 (Sorry this is the internet, so writing this stuff might come across as super vague, because I need to be sensitive to all sorts of feelings here and keep it vague (this is for the sake of way more than one person. So please no one single themselves out reading this thinking that I’m pointing at you, I’m not -- it’s across the board complicated in many areas of my life) -- so I don’t know how much sense any of this will make within this post, but I’ll do my best.) 

When my brother died it shifted EVERYTHING for me. And so I was kinda left with two options: 

1) lay down and let life happen to me (and well, in my experience, life isn’t exactly kind, so that sounds… fun…No, not at all)

2) Or get up and give it everything I have -- even if I have nothing left inside me.

I went with get up. 

Making healthy choices isn’t always popular. 

For blogging sake, I think it’s safe to share this example. 

When I made the healthy choice to be physically healthy (eating well, working out, and losing the baby weight to reach an very healthy BMI for my height -- no where near the lower end of my recommended weight range), that was actually shockingly un-popular amongst many people who see me in passing, but aren’t close to me personally. I wound up getting confronted on numerous occasions where people were trying to determine if I was sickly and unwell. When I explained, they still tried to push a negative onto me. It’s very confusing to me because I do not think I look, in anyway, unwell (besides sad-eyes regularly), and I also feel great physically. But because of conflicting feelings about weight in our country as a whole (I guess? I don’t actually know...)  people wanted to attribute negative things to my positive actions.

This same sort of scenario is being played out in a few other fundamental areas of my life. 

I’m exhausted. 

It’s freaking hard work making healthy choices (physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy choices) even if you are supported when doing it.

 It’s crushingly hard when you have to do it in the face of people saying you shouldn’t. Even if they mean it in a helpful way --sometimes things just can’t make total sense from outside the situation.

It’s extra exhausting when you find out you actually need to shift something in nearly every area of your life all at the same time. 

I don’t recommend it.

But at this point that’s pure survival -- I have to shift things, to match the shifting of everything when my brother died. It’s like sea legs. I have to move to stay up.

All of that has made me feel very protective of myself and my young family. I’m not sure who is safe and who isn’t. Who will say “Yes, we support you choice for wholeness.” 

(I realize in my internet-vagueness here, this might sound fishy, and like I’m doing crazy things. I assure you I’m not. The essence of what I’m pursing for our young family is: simplicity and relationship/connections.)

I’ve been so worn out and lost when it comes to this concept of who is safe right now, that blogging just seemed too vast and unknown.

I wasn’t sure what was good-sharing, what was over-sharing. What was helpful information/inspiration to blog, and what’s just “Hey look how great I am!”

 I still actually have no idea about those things. But what got to me blog today were two really sweet comments that touched my heart, and reminded me that this blog can be a true form of connection to people. Not just throwing words out into the judgmental black hole of the internet. So thank you to those of you who have ever reminded me that I’m of worth via this blog. At this point of my life it’s actually entirely more meaningful that I can convey. I hope in some strange way I can repay the favor by somehow throwing something helpful out there for you.

Thanksgiving, Advent, and Books

Back to phone photos for this post. Whomp whomp. It’s ok.

It's been hard to blog still. I'm fragmented into… simultaneous: intense-brokenness and newfound wholeness. And they are so extreme in their differences that each feels like a lie to write. But when left unwritten, oh how real they are.

I'm not going to try to write much about that. But know that it's there and shades every bit of what I do write.

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. I decided somewhat last minute that: for a Food holiday, considering having food allergies, Thanksgiving at home really is the right choice. It's always such a hard call for me-- choices involving our allergy issues-- because it's uncharted territory. I have very few people to look to on this stuff. And I don't have the guideposts in life I thought I would on traditions and choices connected to gathering. (Gathering for humans, 99% of the time involves food. And it's not something I noted about life, until it implied danger, then it became a very heavy cross to bear.) I want my kids to come out as whole as possible and not living in fear, but I'd need to keep them alive to accomplish that, and that requires a intense respect for our food limitations.

I have made Thanksgiving elsewhere work, but the physical and emotional effort involved does not leave me feeling anything like thankful. I weighed out a lot on: what parts, are of what value to my kids. And while I felt I could force something different because each way has pros and cons -- staying home (at least this year) felt right. Or as right as it gets inside, this space where I can always be wrong.

So we had my parents, as well as a few people that Blake works with at the university --- who either don't have family nearby or are international and would like to experience an American Thanksgiving. I've never hosted at Thanksgiving so I was mildly concerned that when it came down to it I'd have a table full of people, but not full of food. So Blake and I made a list of everything that needed to be done to get ready (cleaning, shopping, and cooking/baking) and broke it down by day, to spread out the work to doable amounts each day for about a half a week. That worked SO WELL! Everything was preped and ready and went smoothly.

We had our own kind of menu with safe foods that we actually like. We did smoked chicken instead of turkey. And we made egg free, dairy free pumpkin pie (which was a super hit with everyone!) and a few more simple things than Thanksgiving dinners I'm used to. And it suited perfectly.

We had nice visiting, and good eating, and an emotionally relaxed time. Then afterwards the kids  watched "Elf" and our family just kinda spent time together.

So I feel good about the choice to stay home.

While prepping I decided to make these placemats. 

I got bit by the design bug, I saw a picture in Real Simple with a gingham fabric napkin in the mix and couldn't get it out of my head. It was vintage meets modern, and outrageously homey. I fell hard. But I already have white fabric napkins. (I sewed them, a while ago, out of cheap flour sack towels so I'm not afraid of staining them because, once cut up and sewn, the napkins cost less than a quarter a piece. But actually oxiclean has been getting out even tomato sauce.) And so I didn't want more napkin variety. 

So I went with placemats. I use placemats often anyway to keep extra heat off the table. 

I think they are so adorable. And so versatile -- they can look so seasonally appropriate in every season! Minimalism-heart be still! Super happy.

Well once that placemat utopia happened I was determined to find that same equivalence for Christmas. So I wrote out a list and brainstormed. 

And the main take away was I wanted simple, quiet, homemade. I thought white and neutral symbolized that well.

I decided not to get out a lot of our Christmas stuff, and go small and cozy, but lovely.

The first thing I did was make advent sacks. A couple years ago I was riddled with emotions on the advent count down because as a kid I would have one of those chocolate calendars and my kids can't have those. I tired that year (brown bags, not fancy numbers, with fruit snacks)and the kids loved it. This year I wanted to make it prettier. Find our real groove. I was riding the Thanksgiving at home wave.

I took some fabric that I had on hand, and cut enough rectangles for 25 sacks. I printed out numbers on card stock, traced them in pencil onto the fabric (pre sewing) and then went back with black sharpie and carefully traced and filled in. Then I sewed them into bags. Then I sewed button holes in the front and sew rope that knotted onto the back for closures.

I had everything on hand, so they were “free."

They were a lot of work(I think it took 3 days/nights worth of free time), but I love them.

 And they will feel special every year. And I’ll no longer be feeling guilt over how we can’t use the chocolate calendars, because the kids love the fruit snacks and this looks like a real quality thing now.

For the tree I decided “Lets just do paper snowflakes” I thought it would be so lovely and I thought it would be a fun project because Jasmine gets the crafting bug as hard as I do. 

But so far, the kids are kinda intimidated by the snowflake making. I think we need to recalibrate it a bit so they aren’t so intimidated by perfection of it. Or maybe I’ll just do a few more this year and try again next year if it feels right.

The tree “skirt” is a cream table cloth I thrifted for super cheap, and I stole some fabric off of  it to sew ribbons for my banister.

Our tree is in the living room this year because we spend more time in the family room and I didn’t know if Bronny would try to attack the tree or not. So far he’s been very respectful of it. Actually when he woke up from a nap and saw it, he walked into the room and just stopped stunned, pointed and froze in staring wonder. He’s hardly touched it. But I still like it in here.

After I put up the garland so carefully on the stairs (which I just love) I suddenly saw the irony of the walls next to it. lol Someday that wall will be beautiful!

Outside I took some branches (that you won’t miss, because they are from hidden spots) off our backyard evergreens and wired them up with some red bows. I think it’s perfect. Natural, imperfect and real.

I’m not completely sure they will stay green until Christmas -- I guess we will see.

In the family room. I’ve changed my mantel again and forgot to show you. I think early this fall I got antsy with it and saw this mirror at Goodwill and the rest is history.

The only think I added here for Christmas is the star “garland” 

Still need to add our stockings. 

The garland isn’t quite symmetric -- I want to re-string it. But the general idea I love. And Jasmine cut out the felt stars for me in her crafting bonanza. It worked out nicely that we were both crafting fools at the same time -- Other than me needing to constantly provide her with more to keep busy with, while I was trying to stay on task. But we made it. And she’s now old enough to actually help me accomplish what I’m trying to accomplish, not just do busy work. 

I hope to string some more and put them up a few more places. Lord knows we have a lot of felt stars cut out!

I’ve had to buy very little to change our christmas look, and what I did buy I got very cheap. So it feels like what I was going for. Simple and sweet.

In random news updates -- our dryer’s heating element went out, so we had to take the dryer out of the laundry room. I immediately saw the gleaming, silver lining of “Now I get to finish our tile refresh!!!” I was so into the fact I could now do that, I was really very unfazed by the dryers disappearance from my life. And the nice part was, it broke after a full day of laundry, on the very last load -- so I knew we’d last a while without it. I’ve just been doing small loads and air drying until we can get the part to fix it. It’s not too pricey, so all around I’m kinda just seeing this as a good thing because:

Before we had these old unattractive, mismatched tiles, and impossible to make look clean, tiles.

 

Oh I should flash back to another reason we never fixed the tile before. The floor drain in here has backed up every time we do laundry since we moved in. We thought the pipe must be clogged and did all sorts of attempts to fix it, including using a very heavy duty snake and cleaning the roof vents. Nothing helped. Then my dad suggested that the pipe is just too small for the amount of water the washer lets out at once. Which made sense because the house used to have the tiniest capacity washer when we bought it. So my dad told us about a part you can put in the floor drain opening to stop the water from coming up, but will let other water go down (under non-washmachine-draining-curcumstances) so we put that in, and no more water on the floor! So now we won’t risk messing up the new tile -- which is just peel and stick stuff. We also bought a new metal floor grate -- the old once was nasty beyond fixing. Just having a fresh one is a major improvement to the room.

After floor:

The room feels magical now!

I’ll have to give the room a better before and after post someday. (Although I still want to create a thing to hide the water heater and sneak in a very small wash sink behind the washer.) But for today, lets just look at these:

Started here:

Currently here:

I’ll give you a better after again someday when the dryer is back in. But you get the picture. MAJORLY better.

In bookworm news:

 Here are two books that have been a big deal to me.

First -- this book came up because of me being in counseling. 

I had been running into one of my kids having some genuinely concerning, impairing, fears. And they were very hard to understand (because they were about very random and “small” things that I would never EVER think of as a fear issue.) Talking through her personality my counselor suggested she may be a Highly Sensitive Person. So I ordered this book and diligently poured through it for about two weeks. I underlined something on every page.

I also decided that I’m definitely a Highly Sensitive Person. (I feel like that should have been clear to me already! ha. But whatever, now I get so much more about myself. Very helpful.) And I’m also fairly ceratin that all three of my kids are also high sensitive people. (Although it’s kinda early to rule on Bronson.)

The name (for me) kinda has an initial reel-back-from feeling. Like almost an insult. But when reading through what it actually is, it’s not like a whimpy thing. It’s just the fact that people wired this way are acutely aware of lots of things -- meaning they are sensitive to them. And you can be more attuned to certain things that others -- like physical sensations, smells, sounds, emotions, facial expressions -- any and/or all at once. There are tests online you can take if you feel like this may apply to you, or someone you know. (Adult here. Child here.) And there are books for adults, and this one for children if you feel inclined to read them. (Just google or Amazon search.)

A big take away from reading this book is that if a person is highly sensitive, they will need more breaks from, well everything, to break away from the intensity of life and, assess, and recharge. It sounds a bit like being introverted. But you can be extroverted and highly sensitive  (And I think one of my kids is that combo -- she loves people, is outgoing, likes to go out and about, but then will tell me when there is too much going on that she is overwhelmed by it, and seem suddenly very introverted.)

But the other big take away from this with kids, is that, if you have a highly sensitive child, your role (amongst many other roles) is to be a vessel to help hold them and their feelings when they are completely over whelmed by them -- so that they know they are not alone in the intensity of it. Allow them to have their feelings 100% without trying to change them, validate their feelings, and then help them (once you have held their feelings without judgement long enough that they feel safe) to see more rationally, and honestly, how likely the fears are to happen (if we are dealing with a fear) and help them to know how to live inspite of the fear (or other feelings.)

A part that was MAJOR for us was the allowance of anger. There’s a relatively short section on this on page 211. But it’s the biggest help for us right now of anything in there. (Well I mean it all weaves together, but ya know.) Highly Sensitive Children can have a way of feeling like awful people if they have anger, and then do a sort of repression of the anger. They often don’t act out anger. And so on the outside they feel really well behaved, but they are hearing something like “I hate the bad thing that was done to me, I am bad for hating people, I am bad for hating people, I must fight the badness in me. It is so dangerous.” And then suddenly irrational fears of all kinds of things can erupt. 

I read that and was "BINGO.”  

So the advice is: “When you suspect your child is being too good, and at the same time is too afraid, encourage the expression of anger. Explore it with them and encourage them to talk about these feelings. Sometimes it works magic.”

And for us it has worked magic. No more outrageous crying fear fits.

I’ve been very careful to notice when they are angry, and just stating it for them without judgement. And then expressing things like “yes it is hard when things don’t go our way.” “I feel angry too when that happens." (etc etc -- just validating that it is ok to feel anger.) I know that both, but one in particular child, won’t do much physically with the anger so I’ve stopped throwing in any caveats like “That is hard, but we have to not hurt people with our feelings” -- because she is already so concerned about it, that saying anything along those lines, undoes our progress.

And I’ve also tried allowing them to use angry motions, for instance -- one day I could tell they needed to let off some steam so we played karate kick the pillow -- and I cheered them on the harder they went at it. (If you knew my kids, you know know I’m in no way concerned they will do this without me encouraging this -- they are reserved with this stuff. I needed to let them know it’s ok to use their strength ) We all had a blast doing it. And I could tell their hearts got lighter.

Overall I'm just really trying to validate their feelings first and foremost, then guiding and correcting later if necessary. And it's making a world of difference in them.

"The whole brained child” book that I recommended dove tails into this SO WELL.

And that other favorite book “Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline” is honestly THE BEST for this personality -- like a match made in heaven -- because Highly Sensitive Children can be broken by many kinds of discipline because they are already so hard on themselves. It’s no wonder I love that book so much. (I think it’s good for every type person. But I’d say it’s essential for Highly Sensitive Children.)

Anyway -- I was THRILLED to read this book and be more armed for parenting my kids. I was seriously starting to circle the drain for a moment there with the neurotic fears flaring up every 30 mins a day. We are in a MUCH better place after reading this.

I’ve been more tired since reading it -- one because I’m suddenly more aware of my own needs again -- time to disconnect and recharge -- and I’m more honed into the sensitivity to noise, which makes my fuse feel sorter since I’m aware of why  (HA! life with kids is 100% opposed to this trait of mine --- Thank God my kids are wired more like me so we can kinda find a balance there.) But I think this will level off again. And it’s worth it because I actually have majorly cut down on the scream crying sounds we were living in for a while there.

Now my goal is going to be to continue honoring these traits of theirs, without over-pulling-away from life. I think we can do it. But I also know some people will think we are over pulling away because they don’t have the same "need for down time tank" as we do. And I’ll have to come to terms with knowing I know what I’m doing and not doubting so much.

And one other book.

I posted this on instagram. But this book was very peace-washing and I basically walked away from it feeling validated to keep pursing the most important things. It also really helped me feel good about my Advent goal of “Quite. soft. And Slow.” (know the song? It’s beautiful.)