Thoughts and an new piece of furniture

I have no idea that it’s April. For me it’s most certainly January, yet somehow it must be February because we had the funeral.
It has to be February because my black ankle boots still have burial mud on the inner-edges.
 I go to put them on for church --- I've got to sing, and I’m hurrying out the door rushing to get three kids to church, not just on time but early for practice --- and I pull up on the heel while pressing my foot down and shock stops me cold. There is the mud. I buried my brother. Everything on the earth stops, it’s just me and this mud.






Kids make noise.
My world returns.
We have to leave. We will be late. Pull the boot on.
Walk forward with burial mud on my feet.





Absolutely no time has passed.
I live in a still snow globe.

But there are all these gorgeous flowers, light and pure growing outside my window. White and yellow. A smattering of purple, low near to the ground. Beauty I can’t overlook, I don’t want to overlook. I can’t find any meaning because of them. It’s just really lovely. I feel like I’m in a dream. I’m dreaming, that’s why there can be spring flowers in January. Everything is surreal. I feel detached the way dreams do.



Somedays I can tell time has passed because I’m not an oozing sore of sadness. I’m scabbed up now. I don’t feel like crying all the time. I don’t feel like I can’t breath. I can be around people. I don’t feel debilitating pain. Instead I feel constant-hum-level aching. I can function inside that, I don’t like it, but it’s like a dull headache in my heart. I can keep going.
     In fact some days I can feel kinda normal. Some days, when I’m feeling too normal, I stop myself and say cold hard facts in my head, to see what happens to my heart. Words that feel like scalpels. But somehow sometimes feel like nothing because they are: words that don’t sound real. But they are: words that truly just are reality. “Jeremy is dead.” (I can barely type it, but somehow I can throw those words at myself regularly to see how it goes when I do.) “I am my parent’s only living child.” (It feels blasphemous to type that.)
     I don’t know what happens when I say those things to myself. It’s like part of me turns off.
     I don’t know why I spend time doing that -- I guess to try to reach a sanity point, to find the realness of now.

    But, when I have good days... I get to the end of the day, and I feel like crying…. but I don’t have any more tears. "What can I cry out that I haven’t already cried?" I think. I sit, still and aching dully, without enough pain for more.
     But then I hear someone else’s bad news, and then another someone else’s sad news. And those stories have nothing to do with mine, but parts are so clearly similar. And the second one takes my breath away -- I have no more wall up -- It demolishes me and I cry. I cry for sadness sake -- there is SO MUCH sadness. How and Why are in my tears, but I’m too tired to really ask.
     My “look I’m getting better”, my “I’m making it” --- it had felt so real. It now feels so thin and it’s been ripped straight through.


How are there flowers in January? Why is my baby 9 months old?  (I’m asking in a much more profound way than I had with my other two babies -- babies always grow too fast -- but this baby in on a timeline I can’t see or feel.) What will summer feel like? Can I be there, or will I be still standing on cold mud? Maybe next January I can get back on the treadmill. (?) Will I understand time again?


My kids have stopped talking about death. In fact they have forgotten anything happened. I tell Jasmine, my oldest, I’m having a sad day and she asks, “Because of Jeremy?” (She says his name the way all kids say it, “Germy” -- I remember my kid voice talking to him.) And I say yes. She says something about how she "kind of forgot because it was so long ago."
     All of that makes sense. She never got to know him, it’s removed from her in a big way. And to kids the time it takes to get from Christmas to Easter is shockingly long. For her, of course it was a long time ago. But when she says it, I think, “Yeah five minutes ago. What does she mean? It happened 3 weeks ago.” But then I walk past my window and the flowers tell me it’s been close to three months.


This has been the weirdest, hardest year and a half of my life. And time seems so messed up.
While I was pregnant I think I lived 75 lives during those 10 never ending months that dragged on forever. I wasn’t sure I’d live through it. (At times I honestly was not sure.) After I had Bronson I felt like time stopped, I stopped, but everything on earth is flying past me and changing in dramatic ways. I feel like I couldn’t heal, and I’m sort of starting to a little, but new bigger un-healable things happened. But how?... because time is not moving for me -- it’s just going at light speed for everyone else.


The rain is falling on the flowers that are growing right now.

I should wash the mud off my boots. But…
It’s not the kind of mud that washes off.


You walk with that kind of mud.



I really am getting better.
Only, I never really will be the same.











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Can I switch gears with you?
Can I be the girl I was yesterday, the one who didn’t feel so heavy with sadness?
Yesterday was so sunny and bright. Today is so gloomy outside. But once again, I like when the sky cries for me.
Can I show you some new stuff around here?



Over the weekend I got a new piece of furniture.

Here’s the story.
When we moved here I stuck my desk top computer up in the guest room and haven’t turned it on. I really just use my laptop.
But then for Blake’s birthday we made him a home movie for his present. And I needed a program I have only on my desktop. So I got that old boy down from the guest room and plopped it down on the kitchen counter.
Once that happened I realized “Hmm. yeah I could benefit from using this thing. And well it’s not going to ever get used in the guest room closet.” So then the whole mental process began. “How will we use? Where will it work? How did I make it look good?”
It was very obvious to me it had to live in the reading room. It’s really the only thing that made sense functionally and visually and spatially.
Initially I was looking for a desk. It needed to be a very short desk. Craiglist, VarageSale. Most desks are not short….
On Saturday morning I ran to ReStore as soon as they opened. (Saturdays are very busy, if you want to get the best bet you need to get there early before stuff gets bought up.) And I found a very cute, pretty-small TV armoire. No small desks.
I went back and forth for a bit while I looked around at other stuff. It wasn’t what I had initially planned for. But it was exactly the right size. And it was in very nice shape -- it wasn’t a “must makeover because it’s nasty” piece. It could be madeover, but doesn’t have to be madeover. Which is perfect because I really didn’t have time to makeover anything more right now. So I called Blake, sent him a pic and we pulled the trigger. It cost a bit more than I like to spend on used things (and I usually only buy used things. I love saving some cash) -- it cost $65 -- but the fact that it checked all the boxes so nicely made it very worth it.

Once I got it home I LOVED it. I’m So glad I got this instead of a desk. I love that I can hide it all away with the doors.
I actually really like it being a wood tone, not pained. (For now anyway -- you never know when I’ll get struck by the bug to change things) But it feels really library-ish. I go back and forth on the hardware. But for now -- it’s good. (If I change it I’m guessing the wood underneath will show wear -- so I don’t want to mess with it.)

The piece is really perfect for the use as well. It has a built in power strip to the side and a pull out tray at the bottom. It’s actually much better than I had initially even hoped for.

And another cool feature (I have yet to figure out how to use yet) is that the drawer below’s face flips down. I assume it was where the VCR/DVD went and that way the remote could work. I wish My printer was small enough to go in there. But it’s not.

Once Blake and our friend carried it in for us. (Thanks guys! They said it was shockingly heavy -- must be well made.) I wiped it down really well with baby wipes (it was VERY dusty) and then I set some of my stuff I had laying around up there to style it.

     The basket on top, is from Target, and it was on our bookshelf but looked kinda silly there. It’s perfect right there. It’s full of craft supplies for the kids. And I gotta be honest, I like it being up where they can’t reach it.
      The vases I’ve had (thrifted. The tall one has been spray painted saving it from 80’s peach) and was this close to giving away to a thrift because I had no spots for them -- till now. Phew! Good save.
     The jar is one I painted a while ago.
     The books -- one was thrifted (“Birds”) (just cause I like big pretty books around) and the others are sentimental from an older friend. I love them up there.
   I had the baskets that are underneath laying around doing nothing -- they are perfect there. I’m guessing they will hold books or craft stuff. (But I’ll have to watch for baby-proof-ness, sooo…)

I put a lamp in the inside because it’s quite dark in there, and Pinterest gave me the idea. I feel like I need to look for a better one -- but I had this one laying around. (It has one of those “Hollywood Bathroom Vanity” lightbulbs in it….because that’s all I had -- but it’s nice because it’s not blinding.)

I hope to put a piece of hardboard (with fabric on it) or bead board (Painted nicely) in the back to make it look finished and without that whole in the back.


Anyway, since adding this thing to the room -- I feel like the space is amazing. Before it felt unfinished.  Now it feels just right.

It’s marginally crowded in here. But for me it’s perfection. I wanted it to feel like a homey tiny British (I don’t know what that means, it feels right though?) library -- my own little nook to drink coffee, or more appropriately tea, and read and feel hugged by the space. My own little introvert haven. And this piece of furniture took the space there for me.

(By the way. I’ve struggled to enjoy tea for years. I just really stinking like coffee -- it’s hard to switch. Well recently we were given some Bigelow Vanilla Carmel Black Tea and I actually really, really like the stuff. I like it hot or cold with nothing in it. That’s a major win in my book!)

I went and angled the couch out. The furniture fits the space the same either way -- the angle feels better. And it also gives me better access to the kids’ table for school time.
And of course we’ve been in here working on our new school books I mentioned. (Those are still quite the hit and going very well.)
By the way, aren’t those kids’ wooden chairs nice? Those are also from the friend with the books. It’s so nice having those in here instead of the bright plastic ones. That also really helped up the feel in here.

My school bookshelf is looking a bit disheveled. I need to do the clean out thing. (School tends to make me just set stuff up there in a hurry and let it get gross.

The art easel is kinda just floating in front of stuff -- but it works -- and the kids have been using it a ton since the room’s makeover.

I’ve been using the room a lot more too. I’ve actually been doing what I wanted to do -- sit in here at night and read to get my introvert fix. Cozy alone time.
I even sneak in here durning the day from time to time when I need just enough quiet sitting alone time in order to be a mom again.

I’ve definitely been learning something about myself in this house. I can live with a messy house. But I thrive in a thoughtfully completed space. I feel myself being myself in spaces that have the purpose clearly thought out, and masterfully designed. I can see myself accomplishing there. And when it’s all lined up just so -- I have the follow through to keep it nice. If it’s anything short of “just so” I don’t ever feel the need to clean it because it’s not working right anyway.

My house is finally getting to the stage where a lot of places are “just so” --- so I feel like I’m finally thinking straight (well at least as far as day to day duties go) in here. I still really crave getting a few more places settled into the right spot for me -- stuff like coat closets, the out-of-the-way but functionality-contributing places. Someday I’ll get there.



Anyway,

That’s all for now.
I’ll talk to you guys later.

****By the way, I have this sneaking fear that I somehow missed a comment recently and didn’t reply to it. I tried really hard to reply to them all. I definitely read and treasured them all. But if I missed one, it wasn’t on purpose at all!

Bookcase Makeover

I wanted to show you my bookcase makeover that I just finished. (Well, almost finished…)

We are gonna home school this year (kindergarten and “play along” kinda preschool), so I got the itch to make a space functional for that.

I needed something I could get my hands on right away. And I didn’t want too spend much money at all because in the long run we plan to build-in bookshelfs in this room. (We are calling it the Reading Room.) So this is kinda just a stand in for now.

After looking at all the thrift stores around (Grandma was in town so she was playing with the girls, making this a lot easier for me. But it’s still not so fast and easy with a baby in tow) and coming up with nothing even close. I saw this bookcase on craigslist for $20. To be honest with you, I wasn’t super sure about it. But the price was right and the dimensions were too. So I jumped on it.

Before

(Please enjoy our “pillow fort”-- aka pillows laying on the floor.)

This isn’t the most well made piece of furniture, it’s particle board, and the “fancy” squares are plastic. It’s kinda chipped up at the bottom. But I repeat -- $20, for a temporary solution.

So I got out the bonding primer and coated everything.

I wish I had given it a second coat to hide the brown fully -- it would have made the painting go faster. (I wound up needing three coats of paint to hide it.)
 Live and learn.

This was one of those projects I assumed would go fast. 

I do that with small stuff. 

Like closets and bathrooms.

I think, “Oh that will be a snap to paint, it’s so small.”

And then WAAAAYYY later I’m still cutting in around ALLTHESTUFF, and cursing myself for my idealism. Small stuff can be some of the most time consuming things to paint. When will I learn?

(I’d still be painting it, I’d just be less annoyed when I’m paced for a long haul than a sprint that’s never ending.)

So I thought I’d get this done on a Saturday.

But I wound up working on it Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday! 

ha!

I mean, yeah having a newborn slows me down. But it was also a lot of letting the paint dry. Latex paint doesn’t cure as well as oil, and if you coat too much too fast it will never actually cure through and always stay tacky. Which is not what I want on a bookshelf.

(Oil based paint would have been ideal -- but that stuff is too fumey, and the clean up is too much, for me to deal with in the newborn stage. (Normally I just throw away cheap brushes or rollers if I use oil based paint. But for all the breaks I needed to take to nurse the baby or rock him or whatnot -- I’d have thrown away like 20 brushes, because the paint dries fast -- not worth it right now.)

After painting on the white (would have been smart to do this first -- but it doesn’t really matter) I went and caulked around the shelves with white caulk. The backing was separated from the shelf just enough that I couldn’t fully hide the brown in the cracks. So this sealed that space shut and made the shelves look more pristine. I also caulked any spaces that could use some more precision on how it met up with the other pieces. It helped a lot to make the piece seem newer and nicer. After that dried I painted the back with the accent color.

This project took me way longer than I thought. But I love how it turned out. It was worth it.

I painted the whole thing with Valspar’s Satin paint in Swiss Coffee (our house's trim color.)

And then I painted the back with "Sea Glass". I had thought I was gonna go with a navy blue. But that wound up feeling heavy handed for a kids learning space. I liked how this green was happy, clean and modern. (It photographs more pale than real life.) And it plays nicely with the walls. And bonus -- I had some of this color left over from painting our laundry room cabinet. (I chose it before I remembered that -- so it was my actual choice, not a money saver choice.) So the paint on this thing wasn’t even an investment -- it was all on hand. Awesome.

Before / After

 

I’m loving it.

I think it looks wonderful in the room now. 

It makes the room feel bigger, and like the room has real function instead of “random room right there?"

(Ignore the green couch back through the doorway-- it’s listed on craigslist right now -- hoping it sells fast. I’m in purge mode.
Also ignore the weirdness of the floral couch set up-- the girls were building cushion towers.)

Here’s how it looks from our Living Room into the Reading Room. 

I can’t leave anything on the shelves yet (I left this basket for 30 secs for the pic) they will start to sink in and mar the paint -- it takes a week to cure. And at that point  I wanna add at least one coat of water based poly to just the shelf part --to help protect the paint.

So they are ALMOST done.

I’ll have to show it to you again, and maybe our whole little school space once it’s alls set up (But don’t expect too much it’s fairly basic.)

What do you think?
Pretty nice for $20, right?

The Reading Room

This has been my life for longer than I actually know. I lost track on how long ago we ripped open the ceiling (to check on/fix water damage), or how long this room has been covering our whole first floor in drywall dust.

Jasmine had refused to walk under the open part of the ceiling because there were some cobwebs, and she was sure spiders would fall on her.

But the good thing is…this is all in the past. The room is a room now. And I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful that is. I mean, my brain has snapped into place all of a sudden, since this room became a room. I’m like on this whole new plane of thoughts -- it’s basically "want-to-craft, want-to-create, time-to-paint-furniture" because suddenly there is that much more clarity in my head, much less weight over my head to get this house done. (It’s not done, but it feels so much closer. The entire downstairs has been painted now.)

But anyway, let me flash you back to where we were when we bought the house.

Looking towards the sunroom, with the living room to the left.

Catching Up

(Only read if you like long posts where I wax poetic on life. If you want to see the house, scroll fast to the bottom -- but don’t get your hopes too high -- not much going on right now.)

At the end of last week Blake and I got to take a trip up to my favorite place in the whole world. I’m sad I didn’t actually take pictures of that place to show you, but I was too busy doing absolutely nothing effortful. :)

My parents watched the girls for three nights and two days while Blake and I went to the cottage in Michigan. 

It’s an entirely magical place to me -- closest thing to Narnia I’ve ever known. My grandparent’s bought the house in 1969, so it’s just always been for me. We went up plenty of times each summer, and sometimes for non-summer holidays, I think we had some Thanksgivings there, and I remember my Grandpa cutting down a small pine tree outside for us to take in and I got to decorate it for Christmas -- tinsel and all (we never got to use tinsel at home -- too messy. ;) )

The past year or so my parent’s have been renovating it -- tons and tons of hard work, sanding through layers and layer of tar to get to original hardwood and pine floors. Gutting the kitchen, widening doorways, making the bathroom new again, painting and un-allergifiying all of it -- out with the old furniture, in with a hand made (by my dad!) table and benches, leather couches (to wipe dust off) a new bed. I mean, they just gave it their all. And it is FANTASTIC. (Which is why I’m sad I didn’t take pictures.) I spend the whole first day just walking around saying out loud (and I’m not an out loud thinker), “This is AMAZING." 

So while Blake and I were there, we just kind of detoxed from everything. Did whatever seemed relaxing. We did some guitar and singing, we did some out-to-breakfasting, we did some movie nights (in and at the theater.) We went to the beach (the beach we got married at -- Cherry Beach)

7 years ago

and played in the waves (Lake Michigan doesn’t always boast good waves, but it did have some pretty decent ones the first day.)

Hilarious photo from shaking sand out of the sheet.