Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Packing For Thanksgiving = Being Both Annoyed and Grateful

So I should be finishing up packing for Thanksgiving. But I need a break. And a brain dump.

So I sit with my tea and write whatever I think of.
(Warning. I feel a bit overwhelmed in some areas, so I may come off as whiney.)

Today was hard.
But today was also good.

Blake, my husband, is under the gun again at work trying to meet a deadline before Thanksgiving. And I feel his stress as mine and wish I could help.
So that's hard.
(Statement totally under emphasizes the hardness.)

And
Also,

Packing.

I HATE PACKING!

I've always hated packing.
And now that I have kids, I extra hate packing.

Sigh.

Actually its easy to pack the girl's clothes because they look cute in everything.

What's hard is {well besides getting all the tiny necessities like pacifiers accounted for} packing my clothes.
I never know what I want to wear ahead of time.
Always freak out that "whatever I pack is going to look terrible, and then I will have no other choices."
So I have to try on like 50 outfits to get 3 ready for the suitcase.
Its pitiful.

Apparently, I need these things. 
Stink. I have none of that!



Then on top of that, I'm having a style crisis.



I was this one size when I got married. Then we had a baby. Yeah -- maternity clothes, transitional clothes, back to regular clothes. Then I went on to reach a healthy for me BMI making my old regular clothes too big.
So during that stage I knew I was transiting so I didn't buy much.
Then pretty much right after that we got pregnant again.
Back in maternity clothes.
And now that I'm back in my regular clothes,
I finding they don't feel like who I am now.
Of what do fit, most of them are from right before I got married, so they are about 5 years old or more. Which, if I had bought timeless things, would be no big deal. But I didn't. And also. I just need different clothes now. Then I was a single 20 something. Now I am a just-about-30-year-old (what!?) momma.  I need cute, but comfy and something I can do small children acrobatics in! I need flattering stuff that I can nurse in. I need something like looks age appropriate, not something that makes me look like I think I am pulling off "16." And I need things that I feel pretty, and like "Lydia" in.

Basically my entire wardrobe is lacking at least one aspect, or another, of what I just listed.
I think I have about 3 pieces I'm totally happy with.

Sad times.
Very sad times when I'm packing.

(There is probably more than 3 that I can find in there once I figure out what I'm aiming for, but it will still be slim pickins in there.)

I'm having a hard time facing this fact.
That I just don't know what to wear.

I've always had fun with clothes.
I don't know if I've always looked good to other people or not. But I've always liked what I had goin on.
Now that I'm feeling so lost, I can't help but feel kinda down over it.
The realization that I wasn't able to avoid this "mommy fashion pitfall" like I thought I would, stings a bit.

And its not helping me AT ALL,
in terms of my goal of getting dressed every day.
Since I don't like my options I don't feel inclined.

Maybe for Christmas and my Birthday (in Feb) I can just go on shopping sprees.

I don't want a lot of clothes.
(I'm trying to simplify things. Go more minimalist.)
I just want some that I like.

For instance.
Jeans.
I have not a single pair of jeans I'm happy with.

Nothing fits quite right after all these transitions.

Also.
Underwear!
Seriously.
I have a hard time finding cute underwear that fits. Its like I either get wedgies all day, or have droopy drawers.
I thought I found some good ones (and I NEEDED to buy something, the only ones I had were maternity, so that was getting crazy fast.) but they turned out to be wedgie machines. Sad times. But they are still better than the maternity monsters I had been sporting.
And bras.
Am I the only one who can not seem to stay a stable size EVER since entering mommy hood? I feel like I could buy a new bra every month, if I were gonna be sized just right. Nursing! Sheesh!

So when I don't even have basics -- I just feel like I honestly have nothing.

You need jeans and underwear to be clothed.

But I'm never sure when I'm gonna stay a certain size anymore (3 years of shape shifting does that to ya) so its hard to say when I should shop.

I tried to to buy a couple things a little bit after having Ruby, and now I'm annoyed because (obviously) they don't fit the way I hoped they would now.

Sigh.

I finally know what personal shoppers exist for  -- I used to wonder why anyone would want one since I found shopping so fun -- now, now that I'm lost as to what looks good on me after all this and don't have the patience to attempt shopping with a 2 year old and a 4 month old -- now I wish I had one!

I WILL Conquer this though. I have to.
Because I have decided to get dressed. And get dressed I will. (Eventually!)

Also,
Anyone else sweat like crazy when they are a breastfeeding momma?
I had boughs of being sweaty while pregnant, mainly night sweats.
But man, when I am nursing (not like actually during a nursing session, but like while I am able to feed my child with my body) I am always sweaty, and seriously have the hardest time feeling clean. I feel like I am just smelly all the time. I get the super potent "clinical" deodorant to combat it, but even then, by the end of the day, I just feel "eww."
And even if that didn't happen, I also get covered in spit up and boogies, occasional diaper-ness, and toddler lunch bits.
Its really crazy hard to feel "dressed" like that anyway.

Story:
Last night I ran to Walmart to grab Thanksgiving stuff (which was semi-emotiona/stressful for me since it revolved around Jasmine's dairy allergy needs, and Its hard for me to know if I'm choosing the right options bla bla bla...) and so I check out, I'm walking to the door, (I had been feeling pretty pulled together look wise -- makeup, outfit, boots) and a lady comes up to me and says, "Just so you know..." I turn to look at her, wondering if she is even talking to me, she continues "you have a sticker on your behind." I pause, still with the tiniest shred of hope -- hope that there is someone standing right next to me that she's talking to.
But no.
I'm the only one around.
I reach back, and yes. Ruby's sunday school name tag is on my butt.
We didn't even make it to church this week.
I have no idea how long that has been there.
How did it get there? Did Jasmine put it on my butt? Was it just on the carseat? My coat?
I question if I have even washed this dress in the past two weeks, I think I have, surely I have, right? I don't know. Oh my gosh have I been walking around town for ages with this thing on my butt!?
The lady was sweet, and she teased me that, normally she would have just pulled it off a person, but she didn't want to get it off my "behind".
We laugh.

But I shook my head on the way to the car.
I am that mom.

Not trendy.
Not cool.
Doesn't have it together.
Has a sticker on my butt (for weeks possibly!)
And is not even close to pulled together, after pulling off the sticker.

I guess when I think about it...
I'm the only one who ever said to me that being "that mom" is a bad thing.
(Well ok, other than TV and magazines.)

I guess I need to cut my sweaty self some slack.


In other news...
Today I've been grateful for hard times.
(I failed to do my great fulness posts every day this month -- I'm totally not up to daily posting at this point)
I was grateful for hard times today because I was baking and cooking -- getting separate dishes ready for Jasmine to have at Thanksgiving that wouldn't include dairy.

And that was so not on my "want to do" list. Since I have a million other things to do too (like pack!!!).

But while I was doing it, I felt so peaceful and pleased.
The smells were amazing.
I don't do a lot of baking.
And I've never made stuffing before.
So the smells were not "mine" but my grandma's and great aunt's.
They are both in heaven now, but I felt like they were right there in my kitchen today. Or maybe like I floated back in time to their kitchen.
It was very surreal.
And I loved it.
And I loved feeling so accomplished.
I felt like a chef.

And I realized,
if Jasmine didn't have this allergy right now I still would have never have made my own stuffing.
And now I have, and I found out its easy. And I found out I like it.
I was grateful for hard times today.

Stuffing is tiny stuff, but, it showed me that without hard times, I would never "become." I would never ask certain things of myself normally. But hard times, ask them of me, and so I become more than I would have in my own right.

If I hadn't had a c-section the first time, I would have never have learned anything that I've learned in the past two years (which is a lot),  or had an amazing home birth this July, or even be having these clothing "problems" because I wouldn't have tried this hard to be healthy, or overall be the person I am now.
I was grateful for hard times today.

Both those hard things rip my heart out sometimes.
But God is putting a new heart in its place,
and I'm gratefully giddy about the new heart.








2 comments:

  1. Oh man, I SO relate to your clothing woes. I have like 10 pairs of jeans and not one of them fits. All off shirts are old or make me look frumpy. I could go on. I won't. I hear ya, and you are not alone! If you find an amazing solution, do share. :/

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  2. I'm glad you speak truth about post baby bodies even after reaching a pre pregnancy weight. I was still under the impression that maybe it would go back the same, but I'm kidding myself. It won't. You can't make a stomach deflate and go back completely flat when it was stretched out for so long before. And now I am laughing cause I just thought of my tummy being like a n old pair of gym shorts with the elastic wearing down. Really my stomach is not as bad as the picture I painted and you can with hardwork get close to your previous shape, but you are right...things fit differently and its like you have to learn clothes all over again cause darnit low rise jeans just aren't gonna cut it anymore! Hope your family has a wonderful Thanksgiving and safe travels! Msg me if you are going to be in the area, or we maybe even able to travel to you...I just don't want to take over your family time. I'm sure grandparents are a little protective of their time when the grandkids come hom! We'd love to meet your newest addition!

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