How To Care For A Mother Who's Had A C-Section

Thank you for taking the time to look this over!  I feel it is a very important issue which receives little attention.
This is a hard subject to cover in one post.  There is a lot to say.  And there are many ways for women to feel about it.  
But it is near and dear to my heart, so I want to try.  

This post is intended to be for people who know and care for a woman (or women) who've had a c-section; and that women is experiencing any negative feelings about the c-section.  

Please Note: I do not wish to imply anyone should feel negatively about having a c-section. I do not believe that at all. I believe that every birth, and every entry into motherhood, is sacred and not to be looked down on. I believe that every mother is amazing and strong, and that she gave gloriously of herself to become a mother. 
And therefore, I write this post because I know that some women (not all) (but more than I had originally realized) do feel some form of negative feelings after a c-section. And it is my deep hope to be able to give some peace and healing for those in that scenario.
If you do not feel any negative feelings about your c-section I am so very glad, I wish that for every mother. But if that is the case you may find this post less applicable or helpful.

If you, yourself, have had a c-section and want to check this post out, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it in the comments!  ALSO, I'd just like to give you a heads up that if you are in an emotional state over your c-section while reading this, it could potentially be a difficult read.  Please take that into account and give yourself a chance to read it at a good time.



My name is Lydia and I had a c-section in 2010 delivering my first.  
It was shockingly difficult for me, emotionally.  I wasn't expecting that.
Then in 2012 I was blessed to be able to have a wonderful VBAC (Vaginal Birth After a Cesarean) delivery with my second.  
Despite having that experience, I still had many emotions to work through regarding my c-section.  

In the interim, I started blogging my heart on the matter.  Through that and everyday life, I've met many women who've opened up to me about how hard a c-section was on their heart.  
Not every woman struggles with their c-section---I personally know a few women who were just fine with theirs, even quite happy with it.  But I've met many more who've wrestled deeply with disappointment, a sense of loss or lack of resolution, an impression of failure, or lack of strength.  This notion seems to ring particularly true in the case of first-time-moms who haven't experienced any other births to weigh their experience against.  
Because of these things, in this post I'm going to lay out ideas about how to support women who are grieved by having a c-section.  

If you are taking the time to read this, then I know you already care deeply for a woman in your life who's had a c-section.  
I can't pretend to speak for her specifically.  We are each very unique.  But I do hope to shed some light  that may help your relationship during her recovery.  

Please feel free to share this with anyone you think may benefit from it.

Original photo source: Here, which got it from Here?

The first thing you should know is, if she is feeling anything negative about her c-section, it is valid.  She should be allowed to feel those feelings.  Having negative feelings doesn't mean she can't simultaneously be thrilled that she has a healthy baby because of the c-section (in best case scenarios).  One can be fully grateful and utterly disappointed at the same time.  And it's okay if she is.  
If you can allow her the space to have both feelings that will be HUGE in her emotional recovery.  It can be very difficult to work through without that leeway.  

There are things that she has lost and she should be allowed to grieve them.  
These things may not seem like something to everyone.  But if they mean something to her, you will not be able to convince her that they don't mean something.  The only way through a loss is grieving it.  

One of the hardest parts of this particular dynamic of grief is that it is very hard to relate to without experiencing it yourself.  These emotions are hard to convey, but in attempt to help you relate I will share a couple of ways in which I have heard them described.  Of course they are not universally accurate, but merely attempts to convey the emotion.  

One source said it is like planning a wedding that doesn't happen.  They said this because they are both a special day you plan and wait for with a certain outcome anticipated.  If you've planned a wedding and have your heart set on it, yet it doesn't come to fruition, if you've been stood up at the alter, that is certainly something to grieve.  A c-section can be slightly similar: a date with much anticipation and much disappointment instead.  *This, of course, cannot account for the happiness of having a baby, so it doesn't fully depict the scenario.  

Instead, I think this is the best comparison I've heard:  Another source described it as if your house caught fire and burned to the ground, but you and your family got out alive.  Of course you are thrilled to be alive and have your loved ones---you will likely be filled with a sense of awe, love, gratefulness, and perhaps a renewed sense of self.  But there is still so much loss---your home, all your personal belongings, especially the irreplaceable things like family photos and heirlooms.  If you knew someone who lost those things in a fire, you may try to remind them what they still have... but you would admit it a loss.  You can never get back your grandmother's wedding dress.  Additionally, it would not be at all surprising if the fire survivors struggled with post traumatic stress syndrome.  A traumatic birth is actually quite comparable to this scenario -- an experience full of blessing and gratitude but mixed with sorrow; and perhaps accompanied by distressing memories which can be hard to overcome. (Here is a link to a women’s account of living through an actual house fire which happened in the middle of the night and thankfully her family got out alive. It’s heart wrenching, and while I have never lived through a house fire, I do relate to her range of emotions she experiences soon after it, as they correlate to many things I felt after my c-section.) 

You may be wondering what has she really lost by having a c-section?  
It may not seem like much, if anything.  But she has actually lost some sizable things.  Each woman will register the deficiency differently,  but a general summary of some of the losses are: 

• The physical fulfillment of pregnancy---giving birth out of your own self.  This includes the hormonal shift naturally intended for mothers. Women experiencing vaginal birth have a different hormonal experience than c-section mothers. And in some cases it can result in challenging effects, both physical and emotional, for the mother.  
• A sense of true womanhood/accomplishment/inner-strength.  
• Sadly, she will have lost the respect of some people in regards to how she has birthed. Whether or not she believes their opinions to be true or false, or of any value at all, their opinions will at times be placed upon her without her permission. That can be very hard to live with.
• In most scenarios, a mother who births via cesarean loses the chance to experience the first hour or two of her baby's life, as most hospitals take the baby to the nursery and the mother to a recovery room for at least an hour, possibly longer.  It can feel like a profound loss.  
• In the same vein: a c-section is more difficult to recover from than a vaginal birth and it requires a longer amount of time to do so.  Many c-section-mothers feel they have lost the ability to really enjoy the first weeks (or longer) of their baby's life while they are dealing with the effects of major surgery.  Many feel they had an inability to take care of their baby they way they had hoped---simple things like getting out of bed to reach a crying baby can feel next to impossible, which may also adversely affect her ability to bond well with her baby.  
• She has lost an unscarred uterus.  

• With her uterus now scarred, she has lost the ability to simply see the doctor or midwife of her choice for any subsequent births.  She may not even get to go to the hospital of her preference for future births.  Many midwives will not see women who've had a prior c-section.  And many hospitals and providers will not allow a woman to have a vaginal birth after cesarean under their care.  In that case, regardless of her opinion, if this mother would like to be seen by that provider she will need to have a repeat cesarean.  Depending on where she lives her options for birth could now be severely limited.  

• She has lost the chance to be spoken to in a non-threatening way regarding future births.  During any future pregnancies lots of stipulations will be placed on her.  And many more fear-filled scenarios will held over her head.  

• Most women who've had a c-section have lost the ability to not fear birth.  She may struggle deeply with the idea of having more children even if she had previously wanted many.  

• Additionally, many providers will now suggest she only have repeat cesareans, and therefore limit for her how many children she should have, since they do not recommend having many repeat cesareans.  Depending on her hopes for future family members, it could be devastating.   

These are just a few things she may be mourning.  And she needs space to work through that.  

Here are some tips I have for caring for this woman you know, based on how well you know her.  

You may want to just read the section that applies to you.  But you certainly may read it all to gain further insight.  
*IF after reading this post, you find that you would like to learn more about grieving a cesarean this has been the most in depth article I've ever come across on the subject.  

Drop Cloth

This has got to be the most straight forward idea ever.

But it took me three years to figure out.

Stick a table cloth under the high chair!!

Catch the mess, shake it outside. Wash the table cloth when needed.

Life has been SOOO much cleaner!!

(Especially since the girls have been into rice lately. That stuff's a beast to clean off the floor -- not to mention feet and socks.)

WHY!?! WHY!?!? Didn't I do this years ago?!?

Can't recommend this enough!

A little prep for the upcoming BIG POST!

If you've had a c-section and are excited about my up coming post on how to care of c-section mommas...
Read this post first!


Ok...
So I think I have the post all written up now.
And I think it just needs some editing.
(I THINK. This post is a big deal to me, I wanna get it right. I may need to sit for a couple more days to make sure its done-done.)

But what I wanted to say today is this:


I'm totally and absolutely pumped about this post. I wish I could have shown it to my family and friends soon after my c-section. I think its gonna be sooo super helpful.
(I REALLY hope it spreads around. Once again PLEASE pin this thing so it gets out there.)



Its written for people who know and love women who is grieved over her c-section.

I know that some mommas don't regret or have any negative feelings over their c-section. And I love that! I applaud that. And I think you are awesome.
But I went for the stuff that applies to just women who are grieved over it. If you aren't grieved, that's totally fine and you are not wrong at all.

I just know many women who are grieved over their c-section (to one degree or another) and I know the people around her need some guidance on the matter.

All that said,
I'd love for you fellow c-section mommas to read this and give me your input.
BUT
I want to throw out a huge warning for you first....

This post could totally throw you for an emotional loop.

If I had read this thing on a bad day I would have felt like crawling in a hole and not coming out.

I go over some things that could really open up old wounds.

So please make sure you are in a place where you are ready and prepared for that when, and if, you read it.

Me meeting my baby during my c-section.

Ok. Just wanted to make sure you knew that before you dive in head first and perhaps get shell shocked.

Its totally a good post. It just might be emotional for you.

Post coming soon!

The time has come!

Ok everyone....

I'm finally getting to my post I have been planning about c-section emotional recovery. The one I asked for your input for way back.

It was really hard for me to get a grip on the angle and tone I wanted for the post.
But I think I got it.


Its mostly written up.
But it needs me to go back over some spots with better technical knowledge -- meaning I need to re-read a chapter or two of a book to get it right.
And then I need to go back over the letters from the ladies who wrote me just to make sure I'm not missing anything.
And then my editor (Blake -- who fixes my terrible spelling and grammar) needs to go over it.


I've even made the pinnable picture title.

mini preview clipette

That one took me some big brainstorming and like 4 attempts in the scrap pile. I want something that anyone would be ok with pinning. Because its not really for c-section mommas, its for anyone who knows a c-section momma, and you never know when you might wind up in that position.

Anyway...
I'm hoping that means I'll get it out this week!

I've been kinda pumping out posts lately because I'm trying to take advantage of the calm before my moving storm.
So enjoy it while you can...not sure how much I'll get to post once the move is going.
(25 Days till we are supposed to close!! CAN'T WAIT!)

(And after I move I hope you don't mind an intense change of pace from BIRTH, BIRTH, BIRTH to HOME DECOR, HOME DECOR, HOME DECOR! Super weird shift I know...but that's who I am. And this is my blog.)

All that said....I would LOVE it if you would pin this beloved project, when it comes out! I have high hopes (maybe too high) that it might go a little viral. Wanna start the fire with me? If you don't actually want to keep the pin you can delete it later. :) I just want people to see that its out there. I think its a really untouched subject matter that needs some love.

Questions To Ask A Provider When Hoping To VBAC

Hi there,
If we are just meeting for the first time, my name is Lydia and I had a c-section delivering my first in 2010.
I desperately wanted to VBAC after that and I was able to have a really wonderful one in 2012.
I am not a professional of any kind, just a momma who did a lot of research.

A friend of mine was recently asking me what she should be asking when going into the office to talk about potentially VBACing in the future.
After I wrote her back she told me I should put it on my blog, and I thought, "You know what, she's very right!"

I explained in my letter a bit more than just what I would ask in that specific office visit --- I started out explaining what I did initially to learn out more about my c-section, and then how I located VBAC-supportive providers.  Then I gave her some questions I would ask in the office.

Please note that this list of questions can be used by any mom who is hoping to avoid having a c-section.  Asking these types of questions (tweaked for yourself) the first time could potentially save you from ever having one.  In some cases, delivering by c-section may have much less to do with you and your labor, than the provider who oversees it.  

So here ya go, all the goods:
If you haven't had a c-section the first paragraph will not apply, but don't skip too far ahead because the rest is still a great idea, for even first time mommas!  



I spent any time in the office after my c-section (like my 6 week check, my annual, the times I ended up in there for thrush) asking what happened with stuff.
I couldn't get enough info on my baby's position (which was what wound us up in a c-section).  (I actually learned the most about that from this website.)
And I asked anything about anything I thought might help me VBAC.  (My first baby was nine pounds so I asked how I could have a smaller baby.  See here for information on how.  I went past my due date to 42 weeks, I asked all sorts of stuff about that --- which I didn't get many good answers on initially, but did eventually.  See here for more on that.)
And I spent countless hours reading online anything I could about my situation as well as trying a few books.
After doing that for a while, and then learning I would be moving to a new area, I looked up which hospitals allowed VBACs where I would be living.  (See this link for ICAN's list.)

Then I found a doula who has focused on helping women VBAC for more than 15 years.  (I used this website to get a list of doulas and then did my own sort of screening via their personal websites.)
 I emailed her months before I moved (I was pregnant at the time), explained my situation and asked her what my options where and which provider had what kind of stance.  I just needed to know who would be on my side.  I knew I couldn't just walk up to every doctor and ask them --- so asking someone who's watched them all working for years and years was exactly what I needed.  She called me up and she talked me through it all.  I could tell she was being diplomatic but very honest.  (By the way, she told me everything long before I hired her --- so it was free information.)
I found this to be the best gauge of what I needed to know.

I also started to attend ICAN meetings, which I found to be incredibly emotionally healing, being around other women who understood what I was feeling --- which was a brand new thing for me.  But it was also a wonderful place to learn about which doctors behave in what ways.  (They get the horror stories and know who's to blame for them.)

**I can't recommend doing something like that yourself enough.  Experienced Doulas and ICAN are  great places to get the dirt on who does what.**

Side note, I learned something amazing amidst all of this researching:
Strangely enough, around here, one of the hospitals that is technically a "VBAC-banned" hospital, is actually one of the best places to VBAC.
Why?
When the hospital is termed "VBAC-allowed" it basically just means they have an anesthesiologist on staff 24/7.  It doesn't always mean they like doing VBACs.  The "banned" title is based on the anesthesiologist not being there all the time.  But there is a hospital near to me that is "banned" but is super supportive of VBACs.  So in order to make VBACs safe there, once a women who's had a c-section shows up in labor and says she'd like to VBAC they call in the anesthesiologist to be there on hand if you need them.
The crappy thing about all this is that if you've had a c-section then you can't get your prenatal care there because of the ban.  BUT you can just show up in labor there and be cared for well.  Silly rules.
All that to say, it's worth it to talk to people who know things, because I would have never learned ANYTHING like that without my doula and midwife and ICAN.
I'm not saying that will be the case everywhere --- I am saying learn what you need to learn about the hospitals and staffing in your area!  You might be amazed!  

Having said all that, once you are ready to speak to a provider you can flat out ask what his/her c-section rate is.  How they address you after that can speak volumes.  

     Keep in mind that midwives see low risk women so they have lower rates, whereas some doctors specifically see high risk women so they will have high c-section rates in comparison.  But perhaps they are still are very pro-VBAC.  But they can (and likely will) explain that to you, if they believe in VBACs.  
And keep in mind too that not all midwives are created equal, the term midwife does not guarantee they will have a natural approach.  You NEED to investigate to find out what each provider believes and adheres to.  

You can ask them their philosophy on VBACs.  That should be very telling.

Life with Two, Update.

So two months into this mommy-of-two thing, I wrote a post about what life with two is like.

And of course that post is still super true.

But a lot changes in a year.

Right now I've been a mom of two for 15 months.

And I thought I'd share with you about that.

I know quite a few people who are expecting their second, so I figured this would be relevant.
If you are expecting a second and haven't seen my original post, go there now. If you are scared to have two, maybe only read that one for now. Come back to this one on a brave day, I'm gonna share some of the things that have been hard. But if you are like me -- you will like to have the info given to you ahead of time. I like being prepared instead of surprised. Just make sure you are emotionally good before continuing. And of course know I can only speak for myself inside my family. Every mom and every family is unique.

My Very Best Traveling with Two Kids Advice (Or Any Number, Really)

Yesterday's post is inspiration for today's post.

Traveling with two.

via

Why does yesterday's potty training post inspire that?....well the best thing I've learned about traveling (as the solo adult) with two small kids revolves around potty training.

But let me back up.


Traveling (as the solo adult) with two kids long distance is a whole new beast, as compared to traveling with one.
One was hard.
But after experiencing travel with two, I look back at traveling with one as a piece of cake.

Potty Training

This is NOT a Pinteresty miracle post -- one with a photo of words that say, "How I trained my oh-so-very-young person in oh-so-little-amount-of-time."

This is not a tutorial.

This is our story.

via

There seems to me to be a lot of pressure surrounding potty training. From at least the internet stand point. Pinterest magic and Facebook brags can make you feel like you should be training 7 month olds.

I don't know, maybe it bothers no one.
Honestly it didn't bother me.
But I figure it might bother someone.
So I thought I'd say, don't worry if you kid isn't potty trained by a certain time.

I just wanna share our potty training adventure.
Its the real deal. No white washing.

They pinned my heart on their sleeve

Some times I like to look and see what's been pinned off my blog on Pinterest. I haven't done it in a while. But when I do it always humbles me. I am always surprised anyone wants to hear anything I say.


When I did this today, I had to laugh because I see a few people have recently pinned my temporary back splash and I JUST pulled mine down today. (Got to get ready to leave and show this place to new renters as is.)

Anyway...

A midst the billion pinnings of that "What to wear while pregnant" post.
I was amazed when that when viral, but I am always sort of plagued by that since its not even my own thoughts, just something I read and relayed. But I hope it brings people to see some of my own thoughts here.

A midst the sea of pins on that, here and there I see some other pins:

Like some of my pregnancy tip posts (or even better the whole page) and I smile, and my heart beats out a prayer: Let it help. Let them be blessed. Let them have more than I had. Let more women see these pins and be brought through better than I was initially.

I love to see those pins.
But what I love to see most, is when someone pins my heart.

I cried today because I saw this.

"VBAC Lydia says" - Read Here.      //     Life with Two - Read Here

I care so deeply for the people these blog posts mean something to. 

I cried because it feel so good to be honest. And you let me. And I hope more will be free to be honest.

I cried because these posts (and all that they are) still mean something to me. And they always will. 

And so I know that this stuff will always mean something to someone too.

And I want us all to find our peace.

And I cried because I'm feeling some peace -- rather a lot on the matter. And I didn't think I ever would. 

So I cried because I think they will too.

I'm gonna try to put some more posts that mean something to me and them and us in the small lull between now and the move.

A Kitchen Conundrum

Little bit of a life update for ya:

Last week Blake was on a business trip to China. My mom came to stay with us for all but one of the days he was gone, and I was able to go through tons of stuff to get ready to move.

I went through all our bins of baby clothes, the girls current clothes, and my clothes (Blake had already gone through his) and I got rid of anything we didn't need to keep, and packed up a bunch of stuff we don't need on hand.

Then we went through the toys. Jasmine did a good job of picking out what she wants to keep here, stuff she'd be ok with sending to the new house and toys she doesn't want anymore. (I was really surprised how smoothly that went. She did it with my mom, who is queen of children, so I think that is the major reason why.)

I went through all my craft/sewing stuff. Threw out any garbage in there (somehow I collected some literal garbage in there -- it was like the bags they came in and receipts, but it was a surprising amount.) And then I put it all in order and such (wrapped up ribbon after ribbon, put all the loose buttons together...) I'd say that project felt the most cathartic.

And I also went through our medicine/linen closet/bathroom stuff. (Got rid of any expired or useless stuff. Reorganized.)

I sent 6 big Rubbermaid bins of clothes and toys with my mom to her house just to kind of clear out some space, and she is gonna hang on to them for now.

So getting all that done was pretty huge. Those are the kinds of things I find REALLY hard to do with two small kids. My mom is so awesome to have helped me keep the girls busy (not to mention come stay with us and keep me alive!) So now I feel like I am off the hook here until I really need to pack. (Although I just can't accept that, and keep thinking there is something I need to be doing....oh I know....I need to sell a bunch of stuff on craigslist!)

I missed Blake so bad while he was gone.

We went to see "Gravity" before he left (since my mom could baby sit) (Every single preview looked so good! And I leaned over to Blake and said, "I can't tell if all these movies coming out are awesome, or if its just that I haven't seen a movie in a REALLY long time!" -- Date night in Iowa usually doesn't happen. I mean to fix that in IL. Its so much harder though with food allergies. Anyway.)

The fact that Gravity is a stress-crash-festival made me have to do a constant mental check that it won't be Blake's international flight (there or back!) (Its totally a great movie, just don't watch it the night before your husband flies to China, when you aren't used to him leaving the country without you!)

Besides that...I've of course been online (pinning) trying to plan as much as I can about the new house. Some of it needs to be figured out fast, others don't but I can't help myself. I love solving home situations. Its killing me that I don't have every space in that house's measurements so I can't figure everything out. (About a month until we should close. I'm so so ready.)

But my biggest mystery in that house is how will I solve the kitchen floor issue?

Currently the kitchen is barely an eat in kitchen -- if you put a tiny table in a corner, you could eat in there, but it would feel cramped.

But then there is (what they kinda hilariously named) a breakfast nook room next to it. (Its hilariously named because its not a nook, but a room that is much bigger than the kitchen.) They have one of those funny pass through windows from one to the other. And we want to open up the space to make one good sized kitchen.

This makes SO much sense to do. So we want to do it right away. But we aren't ready (monetarily or with decisions on what we want) to really redo the kitchen.

I have no (and I mean no) idea what kind of flooring I'd want in my kitchen long term. I've read and asked about all the options and just don't know what'd I'd like. 

I also don't know how I'd like the kitchen laid out ideally or anything. 

I like Young House Love's "rule" on living in a house at least a year before they redo a kitchen, so they can see how they work in the space.

So I don't plan on doing much right off the bat, other than pull down wall paper and paint both spaces (become one) white. (Maybe pull down the backsplash (?) since I just don't like it. I don't hate it, but I don't like it. We'll see.) 

But....

The problem is, once you take down the wall, there will be a gap in the flooring that will need to be filled.

And then the room with be 1/3 greyish (looks like it should be white and is dirty, but its actually grey) ceramic tile, and 2/3 honey parquet.

I have a near-disorder-need to make this look acceptable to me.

I've thought about ways to change the floor to a temporary whole room fix, but I've since decided it's not worth the money. (Like cheap linoleum covering it all -- but that would be like $500 to do...not worth it, I might be able to do a end result for that much, depending on choice. Or painting the honey parquet white. But crabby guys on the internet tell me that it won't work. And that paint isn't free either.) So I think I need to make this all work. 

Once the walls aren't yellow, it won't feel so overbearing.

But I'm trying to come up with a transition between the two to make this look ok.

This is the only photo I can find that might give me a clue:

via

Of course this was done on purpose, so they can pull it off WAY better than I'm gonna. (And this still isn't something I'd choose to do if I was starting from scratch.) But it gets my gears turning.

 Here's a close up of what I'm working with tile wise. (I'm gonna fix the grout with Grout Renew and pick a color as close to the tile as possible. Since I'd rather the tile be staggered, I want the grout line as invisible as possible.)

Here's where the tile (which is the same) from the entry meets up with the parquet.

And kitchen again.

Any thoughts?

Blake was thinking since it's never gonna be normal, to just go bold and dark with the gap filler solution, as like a border partition. 

(Which will go across the whole room, we'll tear out what's in the doorway too. And we might even tear out one row of good tile to make it wider, depending on everything.)

Where as (before I got to talk to him) I was thinking of trying to ease the transition, blending style. Like a mosaic with both tones. 

via

Or most recently I was thinking of those ceramic tiles made to look like wood floors in a white wash tone. (I was thinking two rows of those.)

via

Here are a few other ideas I pinned along those lines.

But Blake may have a good point.

This whole thing just annoys me because I WANT so BAD to solve this mystery, as if there is an actual solution out there I need to find.

Its not gonna be forever, but it is gonna be a while that I'll need to look at it.

Do you have any ideas?

Breakthrough

I was having a particularly hard day in my head and heart yesterday.

A delightful mix of feminine hormones, crabby {and loud} kids, and the thoughts of (the not fun part of moving) packing -- all the packing I will need to do, plus my intense drive to figure out EVERYTHING about my new house, was yesterday's cocktail.

I was getting overwhelmed to the point where my hands just shook. 

I pulled out that MotherStyles book I talked about before. Just hoping she would have some tip for my silly self. 

She wrote that: my personality would do good to try to take life less seriously. (INFJs take everything insanely seriously.) To lighten up and take time to look at what life "is" rather than try to make it what it "should be."

Ok so at first I was mad that she said that because I "should be" able to do that, but I don't. 

I'm sure other people and other personality types do this kind of "should be" stuff. But I treat figuring out what "should be" like its my job....a job that my life depends on.
I know there are benefits to this. Its the main reason I can decorate like I do for so little cash. But I also know it makes normal circumstances overwhelming for me. Being a mom can just feel like the literal weight of the world on my shoulders, because I ALWAYS know there is room for improvement, usually TONS of improvement. Because in life things can always be better, and my brain is wired to hunt those things out and fix them, I usually cannot accept that I'm doing a good job, or that things are going well.

After I was done being mad at the author, I remembered that she too is an INFJ. So I figured she's not just saying something trite and undoable. So I stopped to consider: what if, moment by moment, I asked myself "What is this moment?"

This is essentially what people have been telling me to do for a long time -- basically the idea of a gratitude journal.
But sometimes I need things worded different to get past a mental road block.
I couldn't handle a gratitude journal because I was still looking for how things "should be."

I felt like "How can I be grateful for my home, when other people need a home."
I'm not gonna list anymore of my thoughts like that because it just gets too dark too fast, but I get them going on every subject.
I couldn't be grateful in this mind frame. I mean, well essentially, I was grateful, but I was feeling like crap about it, because I was constantly looking at what should be in the great context of everyone and everything.
This is a messy, messy world. There are infinite amounts of things that should be different. Its not gonna work for me to stay in this head space.

So after I let it all sit around in my head I wrote this on my chalk board picture frame:

Took the picture without cleaning around it on purpose....I didn't wanna "should be" it.

So I've had that up for exactly 3/4 of one day, and it has already saved me from like twenty mental pits of doom, and has made me feel happy in the midst of things I was just about to have a dark pity party over. (I'm not saying I avoided every pit, but lots of them.)

Because if I JUST ask myself what the moment IS, I don't have to fix it (or the world.) I have the freedom to just find the good parts. If my job at that moment just to describe the moment, I am allowed to look at it "as is" and it is allowed to be good.

I have to do this in just a single solitary moment.

It doesn't last very long.

BUT the effect of doing it, even just once, sometimes saves me hours of despair.

I don't know if the novelty will wear off, or if this will be a huge life changer for me.

But I thought I'd share it with you because, 

twenty mental pits-of-doom avoided is kinda a big deal. 

And I thought maybe this specific wording might break someone else's mental road block down right along side mine.

Day Dreaming

I've been having way too much fun with photoshop and the house....

As Is:

Future Idea:

(I don't have the patience to remove the bushes, but imagine them gone.)

So much better, right?

ETA: No idea!

:)

Its really happening!!

We are actually doing this! We are really moving!
(I've been in this kinda denial world of waiting where I thought time might stop and I'd be stuck far from family forever.) But it looks like clocks are still ticking, it looks like I'll make it back home soon!


We just did a whirl wind house shopping venture last week.

Blake was going to be back in Illinois to do a class for one day. And I suddenly realized that we need to take advantage of that and I should look at a ton of houses before he got there so I could take him to the good ones while he was able to look with me! (Otherwise it would have been just me looking, and I wanted him to have the chance to pick with me!)
So we kinda sprung that on our realtors with about a half's week notice. I emailed her like 400 houses I might like maybe. (Not really that many, but definitely a ton!) But I can't tell online what kind of neighborhood the are in and what they are really like so I told her to rule some out.
I kinda think she left them all in and added some!
(I found it hilarious because the day before I went looking I was nervous she was only gonna show me like two.)
I drove to my mom's alone with the girls the Saturday before last. I was nervous (the last time I did it the drove home was literally 8 hours of screaming.) But Blake wore them out at a park for me and they slept basically the whole way. Sooo blessed!

Monday me, my mom and the girls drove the hour and a half to look at houses. Had I been wiser it would have been good to just go by myself and not bring the girls -- its not a small people kind of venture. But they did surprisingly well. After the first house we figured out to just leave them in the car with my mom and a movie, and then if I liked the house I'd trade spots so my mom could go see the house.
It was a LONG day. I was enjoying it. But it was a lot to take in. Thankfully I didn't let my emotions start up (like is this my "home?" What would "life" be like here? bla bla. I just stayed neutral),  it just was basically a lot of visual-mental simulation. And a lot to mentally juggle for me with the girls nearby.

After that day there were two I liked.
One was already made over and beautifully done. The other was a fixer upper that would be worth more in the long run, but needs LOVE, lots of love. Its livable, but dated.
I already was pretty sold on the fixer uper. But I liked having a back up plan. And the other one was a beautiful back up plan.

Well about 3 hours later my realtor texted me that the beautiful house went pending. Sheesh! That was fast. But it was so pretty I almost expected it.
But at that moment my emotions woke up and I wanted to sit down alone for a while and calm down. Only problem....I was in a kiddy play place with the girls so they could unleash after a day in the car, and my mom had ran into a store. I had a hard time not freaking out.
The ride home was hard for me because I was just worried. Worried I was gonna end up in a place I didn't want to live.

On Wednesday I got to go look at houses with Blake. We made some judgement calls on locations and then went to see three houses I hadn't seen yet along with my favorite from before.
It stayed my favorite. And I felt better because a couple other houses I could see us in, even if I wasn't excited about it. They would work. So I didn't feel panic stricken anymore.

That day was kinda out of control. Ruby woke me up at 5am. Blake and I left (to drive that hour and a half) at 7am to see houses.  Looked at houses, had delicious food we really missed, drove to our rented out old house to fix something for our renters, drove back to my parents and picked up the girls, so we could drive seven hours back to Iowa. I had like 6 cups of coffee that day!

My eyes by the end of the long day!

Anyway, after I walked through my favorite house again, I started to fall hard for it. I started to see its little details and started to know what I would do with it and I started to get attached. It freaked me out because I got attached to a house before this trip and it didn't work out so I was trying to stay unattached. Falling in love was unnerving.
But since this house needs love, no one else but us even looked at it. (which surprises me, but hey -- makes me happy.) Its been on the market so long the price got lowered a ton since it listed.  But it needs a new roof and was still listed outside our budget.



So our realtors got a roofing estimate and we came up with a price based on that and the fact that we need to do some other things. And we made an offer and included a letter to the owner about who we are, how much we love the house and why we are offering less.
They counter offered at a price we were happy with (and our realtor was surprised they came down to) and so right now we have a signed price contract on a house!

We are hoping to close mid November and get to work.
The house had been rented to someone who brought in gross dogs (that weren't supposed to be there) and they RUINED the carpets. Jasmine is allergic to dogs so the carpets HAVE to go before we move in.
Upstairs is hardwood floors underneath, so we'll refinish those.
Downstairs I am assuming is just plywood under the carpets (not sure, but kinda sure. I'd be excited to find wood plank subfloor instead....we'll see.) So to save money and to make sure I have time to know what kinda of flooring I really want, we are planning on doing some painting to the subfloor as a temporary solution. (You may have wondered why I was pinning weird flooring ideas...there ya go.) I'm kinda excited about the concept. I think I'm just weird. But I like the idea more than if I was just gonna pick something and put it there. It works for me.

(P.S. if you are following me in Pinterest: First of all, buckle your seatbelt, I'm going all out pinning! Second of all, don't fear for me, I don't pin things I'm really planning on pulling of "as is", I pin things as inspiration. And some things I pin might be for like one tiny thing I thought of because I saw that picture. I work by seeing and extrapolating. So I'm collecting my thoughts via pinterest. Third: I don't expect to get almost anything done at all initially. Just the floors because we have to. I have my head on straight. I just need to work towards an end game. Fourth: If my pinning is outing the stuff you'd rather be seeing in your feed, no hard feelings if you want to unfollow all or some of my boards. I totally get that. But if you want TONS of house stuff coming your way -- you know where to find me!)

So...
as for blogging.
I am trying to work on the last couple posts I had in mind (c-section kindness post) and if I have time a couple others. I'm nervous I'm not gonna get to it all. I have soo much ahead of me with this move. But then I bet this blog is gonna turn into "Young House Love" Lydia style. Just because I've been cooped up in a 700 sq ft house I couldn't paint for two years -- my real me (decor lover  of intense proportions) has been longing for freedom.
The blogging will happen, that is, if I can figure out how to make the time.
I'm gonna be BUSY!
But I CAN NOT WAIT.
I feel like I got hired for a dream job or something.
I'm ecstatic!

I'll show you some pictures of the house.
I'm not sure what you'll see when you look, because I already see it all changed up in my head! But here ya go. Its gonna be GOOD!

(I'm writing this during nap time -- so in no order and not too much description)
(Also I'm TOTALLY aware that this is gonna be years and years worth of projects. And I LOVE it!! I'm so not lying. I love to work on this kinda stuff. So I promise no instant gratifications.)

I'm currently thinking rip those bushes out, add some window boxes up stairs, go with a different shutter color.

This is bedroom upstairs...get ready for hardwood!

This is what they called a breakfast nook into the kitchen, we want to open these rooms up to each other and make a bigger eat in kitchen.

More kitchen.

Don't have a vision yet. First will be the "make it work" (maybe an eclectic messy on purpose mix and match thing?) , years and years later maybe a reno.

The Entry way

At the moment, I'm thinking of going dark with the paint.

The back family room.

Front Living room. This is where you can expect to see painted plywood floors for now.

Dining Room between kitchen and living room. Not sure its gonna stay a dining room. We are talking "reading nook/room"

The main bathroom upstairs in the middle of everything.

I'm thinking wide grey and white painted stripes.

Bathroom in the master.

Wallpaper has to go. No big visions here yet. Just know it involves paint.

If anyone has any magical thought on how I can get a bathtub in here in the long term reno land, let me know! I LOVE baths!

Powder Room Downstairs.

I think all the bathrooms are visually salvageable with paint and creativity for now. And maybe down the road they will earn a reno?

Don't immediately have plans for this bad boy... but I'm excited that its there!

This is the back sun room. I can't wait to spend a rainy day in there. sigh.

(The carpets gotta go here too. I don't know whats under there? Cement? ...Paint that too?)

A window. I didn't notice how romantic they are until our second walk through. They are just really pretty windows.

The yard is so serene. You can't get the full vibe from here, but...

It needs TONS of love too. I just find something about it magical regardless.

I CANNOT WAIT to get my hands on this place!!! eeee!!!