9 Weeks Down

Today I hit 10 weeks pregnant.

Phew --  hitting the double digits! That can only mean good things. Just a few more weeks of nausea -- at least that’s how the first two went. Maybe this baby wants to give me an early break (please!)?

So week 9…how was it?

Well first let me say this may sound like another long whine fest. But outside this blog post, which I’m doing to record this pregnancy accurately, I’ve been trying to focus on things I am grateful and not spend too much time stuck on the actual grossness of my moment. Not saying I’m great at it -- but I am saying I don’t sound this whiney all the time in my head. (Sometimes I do though, so…)


Food:

Morning sickness -- every women who’s ever been pregnant probably agrees that the name is so dumb --  I actually feel the best in the morning -- just a little “get some food in me” queasiness. So I usually feel pretty ok after breakfast. But as the day goes on I fade more and more. Worse and worse tummy aches and more and more exhaustion. So that by 4:00 I’m READY for Blake to get home and give me parenting relief. (Which is usually around 6:00.) Once he’s home I pretty much check out of life. I Lay on the couch till I climb into bed -- after popping my unisom.

This week (who am I kidding, maybe last last 2-3 weeks) has been the week where I can only stomach the one food that sounds ok to me. And it’s never predictable. Always changing. And it's usually take-out/fast food. Why? I think solely due to the fact I don’t have to see it prepared -- which is disgusting visually and smell-full-ly right now. Poor Blake -- I’ve sent him on so many runs.

After  I eat that one food I’m usually feeling better. (not always though -- last night I felt worse.) But the problem is, I endlessly burp right now and if the food is spiced enough to make that experience gross -- well then I’m really upset I ever ate it, and it goes on the “no more of that!” list.

Also heart burn as joined the list of symptoms I enjoy this week. It’s basically all the time. I can get heart burn after eating a plain bagel with cream cheese. (How does that make sense?) I don’t remember even having heart burn at all with Ruby. And with Jasmine I didn’t until my belly was huge. I’ve chosen to basically ignore the fact that I have heart burn -- because it’s not really bad now -- and I feel like the nausea is enough to keep me occupied.

What do I like now?
I enjoy drinking water with a good amount of lemon squeezed in it (hm, maybe that does help the heart burn.) But that’s the only way I can think of drinking water. And it has to be real lemon - I can’t stand the concentrate from the bottle -- that tastes dusty and moldy to me (nonsense -- but I can’t stand it.)

The repeat foods of this week have been bagels and cream cheese, and macaroni salad.
Let me just say I have no idea how anyone does a paleo first trimester -- I hilariously pondered it pre-getting pregnant (why I don’t know -- because I actually kinda hate the idea in general) and that few out the window at week 5. The grains are my life line. I can’t look at meat much and veggies well, those seem to hurt me. If you are or have successfully paleo-ed your first trimester (like for real), wow my hat’s off you you! I spend a lot of time thinking how if I lived in earlier days (paleo for sure, or even like little house on the prairie) I would NOT survive pregnancy -- the first trimester would have killed me -- or the people around me would have smothered me in my sleep due to my neediness/annoyingness. 
Anyway the rest of what I eat has been random. I do tend to enjoy a cup of tea in the mornings too. Oh and I guess the last couple days I’ve gotten back into eating eggs for breakfast again. That feels like a kinda big deal (for a while there they were too gross to eat.)


Physically: Well the “food” section pretty much summed this up. If I wasn’t constantly nauseas and exhausted I’d be feeling just fine. But I am. So I’m incredibly grateful for Blake. If it weren’t for him, me and the girls would be in trouble. He’s holding this ship together. I seriously (for real!) could not do this without him. So this section is just a shout out to him. Thank you so much, Sweetie. You are amazing!

A Word on the Photo:
I washed my hair for you! That’s a big deal. I mean, I can’t even comprehend why everything is as hard to do as it is, but washing my hair takes a BIG pep talk. That said, I did not shave my legs for you -- too much people, too much.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to use this dress (often? every photo?) as I grow. It’s a clear maternity winner -- basic, layerable, it’s got the flattering rushing on the sides, fits anytime, will be great in summer. So I know I’m gonna wear it a lot this time. Added bonus -- got it on clearance at Target a while back -- doing my classic shop while I’m not pregnant move. Anyway, that’s why I’m wearing something that looks freezing, while it’s cold outside. Thought it might be fun to watch the belly change the dress.

Also one more thought. Right now I ponder if there is a bump or not, wishing it was flatter still, but in 30 weeks I’m gonna think that belly looks flat as a pancake. And come 34 weeks or so from now I’m gonna look at this photo and drool wishing I could look anything like this.
So….Lydia…take the time to appreciate it now. Ok? Thanks.

Belly:
I can’t tell. Some nights I’m like “woah -- that’s a bump already….A really lumpy not-baby-looking bump.” but then it’s usually gone (gone-ish) in the morning.
I haven’t really gained any more yet (I think, it fluctuates). (Fingers crossed I can hold the rest off till 2nd trimester. No promises though, I’m kinda surprised at this weeks maintenance.) Some days I feel really fat. I know, I know “You’re pregnant, not fat” -- but sometime my body just feels thick -- like my back and arms feel puffy. But, same as my belly, that feeling is usually is gone in the mornings. So maybe my body just retains water through the day or something.  But I’m just having to fight the mental battle that I won’t gain 1,000 pounds, and that I will be able to be fit after a 3rd baby.
I’ve barley worked out. I don’t know if I made it to the Y this week or not -- closer to not if it isn’t not. I seem to get queasier per amount of physical movement I do during the day (I mean like if I do laundry I then have to lay down due to extreme nausea pay back -- how lame is that?), so it’s hard to want to work out knowing I will pay for it worse before Blake can get home and help me. But as far as the Y goes,the swimming gets me spent,  but really it’s the getting the girls there and back on top of the physical exertion -- it’s a bit much for me this trimester. When we get home they have like 15 needs including food and I feel like I’m about to pass out (like in a shaky literal sense), but I need to get them settled in. I’m gonna keep trying to go, but I’ll just have faith that I’ll be much better at it when the next trimester relives me.

Belly Comparisons for kicks:

Baby:
I know it’s too early. But for 2 weeks now I get tiny flutters down very low. I’m pretty sure that two weeks ago they couldn’t be real. But this week I’ve had some really convincing ones. Everything ever written tells me this is impossible. But they also say on those “pregnancy week things” you won’t feel the baby till like 18 weeks. I’ve ALWAYS felt them so much sooner than that. I  felt my first baby’s first flutter at 10 or 11 weeks and I was positive it was her - I’d never felt any feeling like that in my life -- it was very clearly NOT gas. But with these subsequent babies I’m never sure to trust it since post baby #1 I’ve had phantom baby kicks regularly so I’m not sure my sensations are reliable. (Although those phantoms never feel like flutters, they feel like kicks.) But anyway, all that to say, I’m feeling stuff, but I don’t know for super sure it’s the baby. But I love feeling it because, baby or not, it snaps me out of my “I’m just sick, boo hoo” into “Oh! Holy crap! There’s a baby inside me.”

Feeling:
These all over the place and hormonally intense.

• The food stuff has been emotionally hard on me this pregnancy because I face the food allergies in the midst of the havoc first trimester wreaks on me. I feel worried I’m not handling food right for my kids right. And much worse than pre-pregnant, I get really super jealous of other kids eating food my kids can’t eat. I get jealous of the parents who can just treat food like food and not like scary substances. But the girls have been really good about letting me eat food they can’t lately. The first week or so I started doing this made them sad. But I went and found a couple more allergy versions of some of what I eat and that helped them feel included. And besides that they seem to really care about the idea that it’s what I need to eat right now, and Jasmine said something this week that just really touched my heart. I can’t remember the exact wording but she said out of the blue, something like “It’s ok that you eat cheese (she can’t) because the baby likes it. And you are taking care of the baby.” That’s just so shockingly mature for a four year old. I had to hold back massive crying flood when she told me that. (And when typing it.) And Ruby seems to have a sweet 2 year old similar understanding.

• In the “woman realm” of emotions this week I had a nice break through. You know how you can wind up mentally competing with some other women so easily?? Often for no good reason. I’ve been doing that worse while pregnant. And well…story…. someone on instagram, who I don’t know and don’t follow, liked my 9 weeks pregnant photo because she is 9 weeks pregnant too. I don’t always check out people who like my photos but she liked a few and commented. So I investigated. She is a fitness person, uses instagram as a fitness outlet, so her nine week bump-not-a-bump is surrounded by abs. She’s got photos doing head stands of yoga contortions. This might not have phased me except I also somehow randomly instagram looked at someone else who was like her clone recently.  So I started to feel like “crap, I’m gross, I’m fat, I should have done better workouts before I got pregnant again, bla bla bla” But before I ran down that whole road I stopped myself. And I finally realized how silly it is to always be comparing myself to other women. We are playing two different games. Essentially she’s playing soccer and I’m playing baseball. Why am I trying to beat her at soccer? Why don’t I just decide to be doing my very best at baseball (and cut myself slack on my off days.) How’d I finally figure that out? Well she’s having her first baby. I’m having my third. I think her actual job is working out (not sure, I don’t know her) but that is not my job. I’m renovating a house while stay-at-home-momming, she doesn’t seem to be renovating a house. I have kids, I love with all my heart, with food allergies and I’m trying to maneuver through that without much guidance or understanding from many. She’s grappling with understanding what motherhood will be like -- she’s yet to get there. We are playing different games. Of course my abs don’t look like hers. Nor should I care. We are playing different games. It’s not just about abs. It’s how women brains work. And how I want to kiss that goodbye as much as possible. I want to keep remembering no one is actually playing the game I’m playing, on the team I’m on, at the time I’m in. I can’t really compare myself to other people and get much of real value from it, so why waste my time doing it?

• In other news, sometimes I think about having 3 kids and it’s not something I’ve really wrapped my mind around yet. But what I end up thinking sometimes is how I’m crossing a line. 3 kids doesn’t count as “a big family” yet -- but it’s over the “neat 2” line. (And I’m not saying anything about anyone’s family size here -- that’s none of my business, your family is your own, I think you’re great. I’m just sharing some thoughts I’ve been having, rational or not, they come in my mind.) So I wonder if people will treat me differently because to some, now I have a lot of kids. Thankfully I know a lot of people with at least 3 kids. But I also know a lot of people with less. For instance my mom had two. Sometimes I feel really weird about going somewhere my mom hasn’t -- knowing I can’t ask her “What did you do when #3 did…” “How did you balance three?"

• And one more feeling to share. I’m nervous about Thanksgiving. Nausea. (Read a deep seated repulsion to food planning) Food allergies. (Read: a deep seated need for food planning.) Sigh. Send me a couple prayers if you think of it.

And for a dose or reality:

10 weeks pregnant for real!

8 Weeks Down

So thanks for letting me vent last week. I may have made you nervous for my sanity. But actually the vent session was very therapeutic. I’ve had a less emotional week after I wrote it all down.

To be honest, right now as I’m attempting to write this, I am flat out exhausted.
So I’m having a hard time thinking straight to write much.
But I do know I’ve had a better week this week than last.

Still definitely getting nausea. Still clearly exhausted.
But feeling more grateful.

This week the girls have been so good for me. I’m really impressed by their sweet little relationship with each other.  When I am wiped completely out, they just play with each other. Hunched over their dollhouse dolls, or running around with their baby dolls, or playing make believe games.
I mean don’t get me wrong, they still fight at times, but it’s like they can just tell when I really can't function and they just make sure to play well patiently while I take a break laying on the couch (pretty much asleep -- with my mom ears on -- who knew you could sleep and still intelligently take in every single sound). I really am impressed with and grateful for their sweetness.

I’m all sorts of emotional these days. I can cry at the drop of a hat -- like sappy-love-happy tears. I think about how much I love someone, or how grateful I am, and immediately the lump in my throat shows up and my eyes well up.

The girls went outside in their winter coats and new mittens together while the snow started falling on Sunday and I just watched them, side by side, in the flurries... and there went the water works.



I got the chance to chill out on my weight gain this week. I’ve been craving dairy like nobody’s business, and ice cream often seems to make my nausea go away for a bit. So one night after having two bowls of ice cream, I weighed myself in the morning to see I was back down two pounds.
That realization make me feel like none of this weight is very real right now. Bloat and whatnot. It gave me the chance to take a step back and relax a bit.
I mean, I’m not trying to eat badly because of this. But it’s just first trimester -- I eat what I can stomach and try not to go overboard.


I’ve sorta been hesitant to take belly photos this time. Mostly out of self-consciousness. I was all fit and healthy before and going into my days of Baby #2, and I feel less-than-that this time. But I guess it’s not all that bad -- just a few (3-5ish depending on the day) pounds above Baby #2 pre-pregnant weight for Baby #3. And that’s while not really working out and trying to redo a house and all the mom-stuff. So I guess it’s no big deal. I just didn’t feel too toned. (Despite some effort in that arena this spring-- I didn’t really stick to it.)  I wasn’t too pumped to see myself compared to my old self. But whatever. I’m working on just rolling with myself, and appreciating instead of being critical.

SO I quickly convinced myself to take photos today. The first of this pregnancy.

My mom was super sweet and invited my girls to a sleepover at her house. So I got to have a couple days off this week. I’ve spent them running to some stores, and then feeling overwhelmingly exhausted from that effort and therefore laying in bed immobile the rest of the time.

Today I felt the need for a bagel and cream cheese for lunch, so since it is frigid outside I purposely went outside in sweatpants and kinda loved every second of that. Here’s my outfit.

Part of me thinks it’s pathetic that I was excited to put together a sweatpants outfit. And part of me is kinda proud of it looking sort of like an outfit despite me feeling the way I do. (Also proud of the fact that putting this outfit on took me 3 seconds. Small wardrobe benefits!)

(Also take note -- my room may just never be clear of laundry baskets until my kids are in high school.)

This sweatshirt is my new favorite thing to wear. (Got it from after summer clearance.) It’s from Old Navy and It says “Just another day in Paradise.” 

Borrowed this more visible photo from here

Which I love because it’s works on both levels -- ironic and true. In the same breath it vents for me and simultaneously reminds me how good I have it. Also it’s not too warm, but it is warm. Just what my chilly but hot-flash-prone body needs.

(I just grabbed a cheap light weight plaid scarf from Walmart and have been throwing that on nonstop because it’s another nice warm -but not too warm - comfy, but instyle thing. )

But the best part of this shirt is it’s nice and slouchy -- no worrying over bloat-pooch.

But here’s the photo you want: The belly.

I’m not sure this looks any different than pre-pregnant. Maybe a smidge bigger. But like I said. I wasn’t currently sporting my most toned belly. (Remember that time I was on the verge of seeing my abs? Would you believe it doesn’t just stay that way if you stop working out? Huh! Weird.)

So that said -- try to refrain from “aww look at your cute bump” comments. Because it’s kinda just me. :) But you can still call me cute if you like. :)


Ok….and because it sorta makes me feel better -- and because I did it last time…here’s my previous pregnancies vs this pregnancy.

 

As far as house stuff this week. The only thing I’ve done is stress over the fact I want to decorate, but I can’t move, not to mention the house isn’t fully to decorate stage. But I used my general pregnancy against to hone in on figuring out this long narrow living room of mine. Long, narrow with fireplace in the middle -- that is NOT an easy room to lay out.

So during a moment of energy I pushed the couches into a new orientation (one used to be under the window and the other facing the window.) It was just an experiment. But I think I really like them this way. It’s a little cramped this way -- you have to just edge past the coffee table. But it just generally feels better.
I threw two chairs in front of the fireplace -- which I really like the concept of -- but these chairs don’t feel big enough or something,

Blake parent’s gave us a piano! (We are all really excited about that. The girls are so stinking cute with it!) And really this is the only spot it should go (pianos should be on an interior wall for tuning sake -- and that’s the only interior wall in the room.)

And the back of the room I’m at a loss for.

I think I’m gonna put our credenza on the left back wall. (The credenza is currently in our eating area as a buffet -- but it feels a little too formal for that space and I think I’ll like it more in here.) 

And I’m toying with the idea of a chaise lounge floating in the middle?

Time will tell.

We still don’t use this room much -- I’m not really sure how I want us to use it. But I do want it to be a music-y space. We want to hang guitars on the wall. And so a chaise feels music-hang-out-y …maybe.

Anyway.

That’s my update for you

Here’s to starting week 9. One more month till 2nd trimester. One month is nothing right? It’ll be here before I know it. (Sorta.)

7 Weeks Down

This post is feeling like it’s gonna be a confessional of sorts.

Lets start out by remembering you are talking to a mid-first-trimester women. Who knows if any of this stuff is true outside of my over-senseory-in-taking body and mind. But let us also remember, it’s not just true to me --- it’s full-on overload-true, to my over-everything self.

 (I’m hoping the typing of some of this will do that “put it to bed” thing that sometimes comes from writing. It’s long. It’s whiny. I don’t really expect anyone to read it. I just feel like a good vent will clear my mind out. And I do have moments where I am not insane. But I’m compiling all insane moments this week into one place -- be scared!)

• First off, currently I do not feel excited about being pregnant.

 I will later. But I really don’t right now.
 I did -- the first day I thought I was pregnant. (I took a test really early, got nothing, threw it in a drawer, and next day there was another faint line. I know that’s not how to read the thing, but I was smelling olives through glass jars, so I thought I might be onto something.)  I was so happy. I felt like talking to the baby. I felt glowy and like I had a special secret. I was pumped.
    But then I slipped into the first trimester and it’s awful grip. I ALWAYS underestimate the first trimester’s powers (unless I am inside of them.) I always think I’ll breeze through it. I always think “I won’t be ‘that' girl.” And even though I now have been through 2 full pregnancies -- first trimester is something so visceral and so unique to those first months or pregnancy it’s impossible to fully retain how it feels. I seem to remember those months from outside my body -- like I can see, in my memory, myself laying on the couch with Jasmine playing on the floor while my body was growing Ruby  -- I can see myself laying there, I can tell she doesn’t feel good, but I can’t feel it myself. So I start to tell myself how it really was ok. And I start to believe myself. Until I feel it inside myself again. And then I remember how much I really truly dislike (and that’s a mild word choice) the first trimester.
     The first trimester basically has zero fun parts. The baby is too small for me to feel, and too small for anyone to see (and if someone says they can that only makes you feel awful and disgustingly fat.) There is zero positive pregnancy feedback from your body. (Unless you are one that likes the fact your chest grows -- but that’s never done it for me. Actually it was really upsetting the first time I had a baby, because I wound up undress-ably sized.) But there is a lot of un-fun. Like the fact your heart can start racing at hardly any activity at all. (Your body just made a ton more blood for the baby and your heart has to keep up with it all.) The nonstop exhaustion -- a kind of tired you can only feel when in your first trimester. And I basically stay nonstop queazy -- I don’t throw up, but I always wonder if I did if I would have at least an hour’s relief. And of course there is the never ending barrage of smells you live through. If I never have to smell cooking jasmine rice again it will be too soon. We usually cook regular white rice, but randomly bought jasmine rice right before I got pregnant (rice is a HUGE staple for my allergy kids -- my oldest eats it for breakfast every day) so every morning I’ve gotten to come downstairs to the new smell of jasmine rice -- it’s kinda buttery and popcorny smelling (but buttered popcorn is an entirely better smell.) It’s scent, since it’s coming from steam, feels like it has to be breathed into my lungs and it’s a sensation that makes me want to punch walls right now. But I just have to take a deep (bad smelling) breath and stay calm because I am a mom.

So all that to say, people keep congratulating me and I feel silly saying "thank you.” I kind of feel like they are saying “Yay you have the flu!” But then I have to remind myself why I “have the flu.” I’ve thus far inside three pregnancies have failed to connect well with the baby before I can feel the baby. And that always disappoints me. Because I always think I will do better at it.
     I’ve definitely had the thought numerous times already that if I could change my mind now I would. I’d like to push pause on the pregnancy and come back again later when I feel more up to it. (But a terribly selfish deep secret part of me knows I might just not come back.)
    ( I feel like being super honest right now. I  really like being honest, but I don’t always like being this honest because I don’t want it to hurt my baby’s feelings later. But I feel like it’s ok to write this because It’s not that I don’t love my baby, but just the fact that I am a person and when I face hard things sometimes I want to quit. I just want to write down my feelings for real because I think at some point in my children's lives they will feel a feeling that relates to this and they will see that they can, in fact, find strength in weakness. So many times in life we do things we desperately would rather not do because we have to go past ourselves.)

• Food had really sucked this week. 

Me and food have a really hard relationship. Why? Settle in for the fast story (but still sorta long) version.
     There is the fact that I used to be overweight most my post-pubescent life. Then there is the fact I felt really terribly unfit after having my first baby and could not look in the mirror. The fact I had to change my mind about food and exercise to get fit between pregnancies. But then, the bad fact that all that changes I made were all fear motivated -- because I felt like it could affect my chance to VBAC. So everything I did from the day I got home from the hospital with my first, to the day I gave birth to my second was straight up out of fear -- it made for a very strange relationship with food. Which of course spawned a sugar obsession after my second was here because now I didn’t have a fear motivator anymore. Then add in the fact that, in bits and pieces, we have learned over the years that my children have quite a lot of food allergies. The original way I learned to eat healthily when getting fit, doesn’t work anymore because I can’t feed my kids a lot of those foods. We can’t be paleo, we can’t be vegan, we can’t be any cool food club because we have cut out so many foods already if we cut out anymore I don’t feel we can get full nutrition.
   I feel me like doing that major life transforming I did between babies should count for like a good 10 -15 year break from thinking about food. But life plays dirty, and it dealt me new cards. These cards often feel like an impossible hand. Because, not only did I get numerous food allergy cards, but somehow I also got dealt an incredibly picky eater card too.
   Here’s the thing about food. Life revolves around it. Literally. And emotionally. And socially. When food sucks, it’s hard to do life.
   Here’s where I’m at now. I have the food allergies to accommodate. I have morning (or more so: never ending) sickness that tells me to punch walls when we make our allergy safe rice. AND….
Right now I’m very, very, very much craving all allergy foods. Cheese and bread are all I can think of. For a while there I wasn’t eating allergy food in front of my kids and now I have to because it’s all I can stomach and I’ve made them cry doing this. It’s awful. It breaks my heart. And it makes me crabby because “For heaven’s sake I need to get this food into me right now, I don’t have time to explain what is happening until I get it in me, so I can stop feeling like death for 10 mins, so I can think straight, so I can explain how life isn’t fair but I love you so much.” (Always a favorite mom talk right? Because I want life to freaking be fair already. Don’t we all.)
SO then I kinda want to swear off eating so we can just live in peace together, right? Who needs food? I don’t want to need food. Let’s quit all together. Oh wait, what? I don’t get to make that call. Great. We are stuck here.

AND….
And here’s where the pressure really starts to take me past “wow this is hard” to “ok I think I want to quit”
I have this second pregnancy under my belt, where I was AWESOME at eating. I literally did not let sugar past my lips. (This can be argued as I did eat frozen pizza at the end when I was losing my mind, and that is processed and it has sugar. But you have no idea how freaking many cookies I used my will to turn down.) I wrote down what I learned. I blogged my infinite knowledge. I studied and researched and learned. And wrote it all down. And now I can look on Pinterest and see my posts are pinned over and over. (I mean not like famous blogger level, but a nice hardy number.)
     I’m not feeling like I’m going to live up to my hype. I wrote all that stuff down so I could save it for myself. And for my girls. But at this point in life I don’t feel like I’m up to doing it all. And I’m both: terribly embarrassed by that, and kinda terrified by that.
    I worry I’m gonna gain tons of weight this time. I’m worried I won’t have the steam left to lose it later.
   I’m just in such a different place in life this time. Last time I had one kid. I had NOTHING else in life going on but being pregnant. Well I mean we moved and that was hard and crazy, but after we settled in, I seriously was 100% focused only on healthy pregnancy. That IS ALL. And I had the un-healthy, but truly motivating, motivator of terror getting me to the gym and keeping me from cookies.
  This time I have two kids, they are old enough to get the fact the food allergies are in play. (Read: I have no freaking clue what I’m doing with food anymore.) I am reno-ing a house. (Read: my house is more than standard kids-live-here-messy, it’s that plus a lot of interesting. And I’ve yet to deeply unpack in full because I don’t know how we are using the house totally yet. Read: Now I feel like "my clock ticking” refers to the idea I need to finish everything I can muster on the house before baby gets here. Read: exercise feels like it takes me away from finishing the house.
And now I know I don’t need to be afraid. So I don’t have my old fitness instructor, Fear, around.
 Now I just have “should” as a motivator. “Should” is never a great motivator.



Since getting pregnant this time my body very easily and quickly put 4 pounds on without me even looking. I don’t feel like I have eaten crazy. I don’t feel like I’ve eaten great by any means. But I really don’t think my calories as a whole have been over the top.
I’m am not a fan of the fact this has happened.( To state it mildly again.) It’s actually causing me a lot of angst. It’s making me freak out because I’m only half was through first trimester and I feel super worried it’s just gonna snowball into hugeness.

I’m pretty sure my hormones are a large part of the mental breakdown sensations I get over this.
   
I’m also pretty sure I can see the logic in why I gained four pounds.
Second pregnancy I was still nursing throughout it. This time I am not. So I don’t get those free calories. And I can tell it’s making things different for my boobs this time around. Second pregnancy: I don’t think my boobs grew more than maybe a cup size the whole time, if even that much. And outside of nursing hurting my nipples, my boobs never felt any different. This time: my boobs hurt a lot, like they feel like they are full of milk and I need to nurse (which may be true? My milk never dried up after weaning a few months ago) and they are probably two sizes bigger already. So that’s gotta count for some weight.
  Also this is my third. Also I’m older. Also I’m bloated. I’m nearly always constipated (TMI fun). Also I’ve eaten some (not many, but some) cookies. And have a cup of tea with sugar now a days.
  SO…four pounds shouldn’t get me in such a panic. But as I mentioned at the start of this post, you are talking to a mid-first-trimester women here -- hormones are the name of the game. Hormones can make you insane.

ALSO….I swear every time I’m pregnant, someone I know is revolutionizing their life and losing weight and looking fabulous. And making me feel doomed to whale-dom. I think it’s probably that I just notice this stuff more when I’m pregnant. But it always feels so strategically timed, its depressing. (I’m sure I made someone feel similarly when I got all fit. Life’s weird.) And not that this is now, but while I’m thinking about it...I always HATE new years resolution time on Facebook while pregnant -- everyone’s all “I’m gonna lose 20 pounds" and I’m all "I have no choice but to gain 20 pounds (or more!).” So annoying. I think I might have to de-facebook for January. :) Or maybe this will be the year everyone says screw it "Let them have cake.” THAT would work for me. ;)

• On a different note. 

I have started taking unisom to help with the morning (never ending) sickness. I’ve know about it since my first pregnancy. But haven’t caved with the stuff till this one. Part of me feels sorta guilty for taking it and not staying natural. But most of me feels like I made an informed decision and at peace with it. I really do think it’s helping quite a lot. I had a day last week that kicked my butt hard. I felt AWFUL the entire day and I didn’t feel like a fit mother because I couldn’t function at all. I tried hypnobabies nausea track, and it helped take an edge off, but not much more. It’s also supposed to work more with more listening. But I didn’t have that kind of time. Not to mention I was listening to it while hearing “Mom, can you… Mom, can you….” the whole time. Not exactly ideal. So I used my afternoon to read up on unisom and think it through. I gave it the full thought process through all my own personal medical experience as well as my girls medical stuff. Weighed the pros cons, thought of healthy children I know who’s mothers have taken it while pregnant, paired it up against some advice we’ve had on other issues. And I felt it was an acceptable option.  And then I took half a pill that night. (It makes you sleep, so it’s a night time thing.) The next day I felt human. And I’ve continued to take a half pill at night as well as vitamin B-6 three times a day. For the week.
I still get queazy, but mostly when I am hungry. I still feel tired and gross. But I don’t feel incapacitated anymore. So for that I’m grateful.

• And last note I feel like talking though: Clothes.

So I had gone through my closet and pared it down. I was all excited. Thinking this would finally be my attractive pregnancy. Thought I’d make a pregnancy capsule wardrobe a regular part of my blog. But Lets be real. I live in whatever is closest to me when I get out of bed. As long as it doesn’t have a button on the waist band and it’s laying in my vicinity it’s fair game right now. I am glad I pared down my wardrobe. It does help get me dressed on the rare day I leave the house.
    When I pared down my closet I wasn’t pregnant, but I knew I could be soon, so I planned my stuff to work with that. There are a couple shirts I have figured out I will never wear. At least for now. (They MIGHT work postpartum?)  But none of this seems to matter really because I never get dressed.

Let’s pretend I do get dressed, for one second.
I went to TJMaxx a week or two ago (?) and tried on a ton of stretchy waist pants. (I can wear my jeans still but I hate sitting down in them, so I’m over them already.) My trip to the store was awesome. They had SO MANY stretchy waist pants! It seems to be a very fashionable time to be pregnant. Or at least I’ll claim so.
After many a pant try on I wound up with a silky(ish) (it’s polyester) pair of black track pants. (Which I think might get more use in the spring and postpartum since they are thinner weight fabric.)
And an new FAVORITE-favorite pair of leggings. They are ponte fabric -- so nice and thick, not see through at all. They are thick enough that they smooth things out. And they have a seam down the front so they look sort of trousery. So I’m wearing them as pants -- not worrying about bum coverage in these. If you think I’m wrong, well I’ll play the pregnant card. :) They are warm enough to wear in the cold, but not gross-hot for my hot flashes I seem to get now. They are something you can expect to see me in on a VERY regular basis. They are brand "Per Se” if you want to try and hunt them down. (I found them online in plus size here.) (Or a similar kind of legging, without the front seam, by them here.)
But yeah, if I do get dressed I get dressed into these. <3

So that’s my story as I go into week 8.

I hope my vent fest gets me over the food hump emotionally and I can go back to sane again. I did run to the grocery store last night and that went better than expected, so maybe I’ll be ok after all.

The sea shells have gone extinct

This is our Master Bathroom on the day we bought our house.

Peach sea shells abound.

I thought I’d share two funny comments on the room from friends.

One friend insisted this was the worst wallpaper she’s ever seen.

I thought that was funny because I’ve seen some pretty scary wallpaper. I kinda thought this was tame in comparison to those. But I will agree it wasn’t the look I’m going for.

Another friend said she never understands why anyone would do a beach themed bathroom…

she went on to call it 

“Poopin at the beach.”

That will never lose it’s hilarity to me.

Well my mom tore the wallpaper most the way off, months and months ago. Leaving just a bit at the top and green under walls. I  basically just ignored the way the room looked for a long long time. Until one day I just was like “NO MORE. I can not look at this any more!”

Pregnancy Week 6 (and the weeks before) and Locker Rooms

I haven’t decided how I want to blog during this pregnancy.
Last time I did that whole summary of different parts, once a week, thing.
I loved doing that then. But I was also in a really different place emotionally last time (read: terrified out of my mind.) So I really needed a way to grasp reality then, and blogging in a concrete way helped. A lot.

This time I am very, very, very not afraid. (Which is a wonderful sensation.) So I don’t feel like I need grounding the same way. So we will see what end up writing. It might be less formal this time.

I don’t have any pictures yet. Right now you are just gonna see me bloat back and forth. I thought I bloated bad last time….well, now I know you can bloat worse. :) My weight goes all over, up and down, up and down, and so does my stomach. Some days I look fairly pregnant already, somedays I look like nothing happened. But let me tell ya, having a four year old around who’s SUPER excited about a new baby, examining your belly nonstop can give a lady some slight insecurities. ;) “Mom your belly looks bigger today!!!!” Always what you want to hear at 5 weeks pregnant. :)

I’m seven weeks now. I think the nausea kicked in like 2 weeks ago? Although I felt bits of it here and there before I took the test.

(I took a test about 3 days before I missed my period, and it worked. I was kinda pumped about that.)

What do I like to eat now?
Well last week homemade chicken soup (no noodles, sub potatoes) sounded great. So I made it and it was wonderful. Perfect.
But then two days ago one look at it started to make me want to run away and cry.

That’s the thing I don’t like about the first trimester. You can’t count on anything staying good or bad. It’s just random nonsense. And the nonsense feels nonsensically intense.

I had been liking coffee still.
I’m not sure now.
This morning I felt really good and coffee before breakfast (like pre-prego days) sounded really nice. Gave that a whirl. Not a good idea.

Today I’m liking corn chex in rice milk.

I’ve also been living off of Lime flavored La Croix. (Fizzy water with lime.) I started out with ginger ale -- but the sugar-guilt was too strong and the weight it seemed to lend me was also too great. So then I remembered Fizzy Water. Works just as well for me and so much healthier.

The food stuff stressed me out pretty hard for a about a week.
Last time I was a sugar Nazi, I ate perfectly. Well, as perfectly as I could muster up  (it still wasn’t “perfect” but I was darn close.) I don’t have that in me this time. Last time I felt I HAD to do it incase I wound up with another c-section, I wouldn’t have room to blame myself. (For that and numerous other things I did “perfect.”) This time I feel really relaxed about everything. So I didn’t want to become sugar Nazi again. But I’m not sure how to stay healthy without the Nazi attitude. So I freaked out that I was gonna get really heavy during this pregnancy and that I won’t have the gumption to get it back off later. I also freaked out because we have the food allergy issues with my girls and I can’t decide what the right way to eat while pregnant would be. (Food allergies are a mystery, so some experts say eat the allergy food while pregnant so baby will get used to them, other experts say don’t touch the stuff and save the baby from the allergies that way. It’s nonsense really. But it’s a lot of pressure as a mom.) (There are also theories on vaginal births and breast feeding being better for food allergies than c-sections and formal. But in our case Baby #1 was c-section with some formula and Baby #2 was natural no drugs VBAC at home with never a drop of formula and they both have allergies. So it’s not a pin-down-able concept yet. They don’t know why there are so many allergies. My guess is our food has become too processed and as a societal whole it’s messing with us over the generations and it’s coming out this way. But I am not in the slightest in a place to know anything on the topic.) (Sorry. Too much bla bla bla.)

Anyway. As of now my plan is to just try and be balanced. As best as I can manage. And that might not be great. But it will be good. I’m not gonna take out all sugar this time. But at the end I’m gonna make sure and not go crazy. (Babies put on weight at the end, and outside of female pride which cries don’t make me fat, I’m mainly just hoping to avoid a 10 pound baby, especially given I like to bake those baby buns FULL FULL FULL term, like 42 weeks full.) I’m gonna try and keep my weight on track. But I’m not gonna freak out about every ounce this time. And I’m going to give myself credit for staying a healthy weight after having two babies. (And remember that I wasn’t a healthy weight before babies. And remember that even thought after baby #2 I wasn’t as hard core about it, I was pretty darn close to the same weight without all the pressure, so I don’t need to freak out.)

And that brings me to the fact that we finally joined our YMCA. We were planning on joining that bad boy as soon as we moved. But with all the house renovating, the initial lack of sleep mixed in from Ruby taking two years to sleep through the night. I just didn’t see myself using it enough for the cost. So it took officially getting pregnant to get my butt in there.
But we are super pumped about it. They have an awesome play place for the kids to go on in child care. And my girls are in love with it. Which feels so good for me -- I’m always nervous leaving them anywhere. So them loving it is so great for my heart.
This is the first time I’ve ever tried to workout during my first trimester. (With Baby #1 I was a non-worker-outer. By Baby #2 I had become a regular workout person, but our life was insane during my first trimester and I didn’t work out till we had moved and life had settled down again which was second trimester.) My favorite form of working out is to swim. So back in the pool I went. I haven’t swam laps for a year and a half, I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. The sensations and movements came back easy. But first trimester is harsh. My heart rate is sky high after one lap. So I do a lap and then pant against the wall while it comes back down before I go again. I feel kinda pitiful. And I feel like everyone notices, which makes me want to make an overhead announcement that I’m pregnant just ignore me. But it’s not a big enough deal to keep me from loving being back in the pool. I just love the gliding through the water, the non sweaty workout, and the endorphin kick I get.

And now for a dive into my deeper mind.

I learn a lot in locker rooms.
With Baby #2 the pool I used was the University’s pool. Which meant as my belly grew I fit in less and less with the 20-something college kids I was swimming with. I actually used that to my advantage, emotionally. I let it allow me the freedom to become a casual observer of the young fit ladies around me. I didn’t shy my gaze away from them, I just casually observed them. Do you know what I saw time and time again? Total distain for themselves. It was really sad. There were lovely fit women staring in the mirror at their “faults” with looks that could kill. And there were even numerous times where I saw them hit, or smack, poke, or pull on, the places they were mad at. I also watched the strain between the women near each other. I’d watch them not look or sneak looks or glare down or just keep their heads down in shame. It was a very interesting phenomenon. It was also so sad. And it all seemed so out of body at the time for me, being pregnant I rather disconnected from those emotional places, at least for that pregnancy. It really inspired me to try and not treat myself the way those women were treating themselves. If only they could have stepped back and saw just how lovely there are, take in the whole picture, stop staring at one speck on their body.

Now with Baby #3 the pool I am using is at the YMCA. Women of all ages shapes and sizes use this locker room. Today was a busy pool day. Lots of water classes. So when I arrived and when I left there were plenty of older ladies getting dressed. And that meant today was the first day I saw lots of naked ladies in the locker room. In the university locker room the women seemed to all change in the couple changing rooms or showers or at the least covered by a towel. But today at the YMCA there were lots of half dressed, or not dressed ladies standing around and talking. To be honest, when first walking into this I felt weird, and tried to look down to be polite. Got my stuff in the locker and headed to the pool. But on my way out as I was getting my socks and shoes on, and older lady sitting next to me on the bench struck up a bit of conversation. At first as I came to my locker I had seen her short grey hair, her eyes facing away from me, but then when we both turned towards each other…. I literally almost gasped out loud when our eyes met. When her eyes met mine her beauty overcame me. Her eyes were crystal clear, bright blue, sweet and kind and her simple makeup brought it out more. Her heart showed so sweet in her eyes I think I let my jaw drop a bit. I think she’s seared in my mind forever.  She really did knock me out a bit. As she talked to me, she let her towel down without thinking, sitting topless on the bench. I let my casual observer back to the surface again, and decided not to be the eyes to the ground girl. I saw her breasts, and I was surprised to know in that moment, that even in her age, despite everything I’ve ever been feed through the media and believed to be true with my inexperienced eyes having no defense against, I was surprised in that moment to know that her breasts were still quite lovely. Still something to be admired. Yes they were aged, no they weren’t where they used to be, but to my surprise they were something very lovely to see. Not in an asexual way, no, they still were so feminine and sensual.  I moved my eyes again out of politeness, but they had an appeal that asked to keep a gaze. Her whole being did. And she sat just so at ease in her body she’s carried around this long. Like she just didn’t think of it now, instead she just was there. It all felt so calm, with an ebb and flow like water. Just right after being in water.
     I left that day feeling so much more at peace; because she sat in peace with herself, and it placed me at peace with myself. There have been a couple days where I’ve looked in the mirror since getting pregnant this time and gotten scared. What will this pregnancy do to me? How will I look after being stretched out and nursed dry one more time? Is the mirror going to be a place I can’t handle?  Today changed my mind. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. That lady with the short grey hair, and the bright blue eyes, and the non-worried-over exposed breasts showed me a beauty I have never seen in youth.