I haven’t decided how I want to blog during this pregnancy.
Last time I did that whole summary of different parts, once a week, thing.
I loved doing that then. But I was also in a really different place emotionally last time (read: terrified out of my mind.) So I really needed a way to grasp reality then, and blogging in a concrete way helped. A lot.
This time I am very, very, very not afraid. (Which is a wonderful sensation.) So I don’t feel like I need grounding the same way. So we will see what end up writing. It might be less formal this time.
I don’t have any pictures yet. Right now you are just gonna see me bloat back and forth. I thought I bloated bad last time….well, now I know you can bloat worse. :) My weight goes all over, up and down, up and down, and so does my stomach. Some days I look fairly pregnant already, somedays I look like nothing happened. But let me tell ya, having a four year old around who’s SUPER excited about a new baby, examining your belly nonstop can give a lady some slight insecurities. ;) “Mom your belly looks bigger today!!!!” Always what you want to hear at 5 weeks pregnant. :)
I’m seven weeks now. I think the nausea kicked in like 2 weeks ago? Although I felt bits of it here and there before I took the test.
(I took a test about 3 days before I missed my period, and it worked. I was kinda pumped about that.)
What do I like to eat now?
Well last week homemade chicken soup (no noodles, sub potatoes) sounded great. So I made it and it was wonderful. Perfect.
But then two days ago one look at it started to make me want to run away and cry.
That’s the thing I don’t like about the first trimester. You can’t count on anything staying good or bad. It’s just random nonsense. And the nonsense feels nonsensically intense.
I had been liking coffee still.
I’m not sure now.
This morning I felt really good and coffee before breakfast (like pre-prego days) sounded really nice. Gave that a whirl. Not a good idea.
Today I’m liking corn chex in rice milk.
I’ve also been living off of Lime flavored La Croix. (Fizzy water with lime.) I started out with ginger ale -- but the sugar-guilt was too strong and the weight it seemed to lend me was also too great. So then I remembered Fizzy Water. Works just as well for me and so much healthier.
The food stuff stressed me out pretty hard for a about a week.
Last time I was a sugar Nazi, I ate perfectly. Well, as perfectly as I could muster up (it still wasn’t “perfect” but I was darn close.) I don’t have that in me this time. Last time I felt I HAD to do it incase I wound up with another c-section, I wouldn’t have room to blame myself. (For that and numerous other things I did “perfect.”) This time I feel really relaxed about everything. So I didn’t want to become sugar Nazi again. But I’m not sure how to stay healthy without the Nazi attitude. So I freaked out that I was gonna get really heavy during this pregnancy and that I won’t have the gumption to get it back off later. I also freaked out because we have the food allergy issues with my girls and I can’t decide what the right way to eat while pregnant would be. (Food allergies are a mystery, so some experts say eat the allergy food while pregnant so baby will get used to them, other experts say don’t touch the stuff and save the baby from the allergies that way. It’s nonsense really. But it’s a lot of pressure as a mom.) (There are also theories on vaginal births and breast feeding being better for food allergies than c-sections and formal. But in our case Baby #1 was c-section with some formula and Baby #2 was natural no drugs VBAC at home with never a drop of formula and they both have allergies. So it’s not a pin-down-able concept yet. They don’t know why there are so many allergies. My guess is our food has become too processed and as a societal whole it’s messing with us over the generations and it’s coming out this way. But I am not in the slightest in a place to know anything on the topic.) (Sorry. Too much bla bla bla.)
Anyway. As of now my plan is to just try and be balanced. As best as I can manage. And that might not be great. But it will be good. I’m not gonna take out all sugar this time. But at the end I’m gonna make sure and not go crazy. (Babies put on weight at the end, and outside of female pride which cries don’t make me fat, I’m mainly just hoping to avoid a 10 pound baby, especially given I like to bake those baby buns FULL FULL FULL term, like 42 weeks full.) I’m gonna try and keep my weight on track. But I’m not gonna freak out about every ounce this time. And I’m going to give myself credit for staying a healthy weight after having two babies. (And remember that I wasn’t a healthy weight before babies. And remember that even thought after baby #2 I wasn’t as hard core about it, I was pretty darn close to the same weight without all the pressure, so I don’t need to freak out.)
And that brings me to the fact that we finally joined our YMCA. We were planning on joining that bad boy as soon as we moved. But with all the house renovating, the initial lack of sleep mixed in from Ruby taking two years to sleep through the night. I just didn’t see myself using it enough for the cost. So it took officially getting pregnant to get my butt in there.
But we are super pumped about it. They have an awesome play place for the kids to go on in child care. And my girls are in love with it. Which feels so good for me -- I’m always nervous leaving them anywhere. So them loving it is so great for my heart.
This is the first time I’ve ever tried to workout during my first trimester. (With Baby #1 I was a non-worker-outer. By Baby #2 I had become a regular workout person, but our life was insane during my first trimester and I didn’t work out till we had moved and life had settled down again which was second trimester.) My favorite form of working out is to swim. So back in the pool I went. I haven’t swam laps for a year and a half, I wasn’t sure if I could still do it. The sensations and movements came back easy. But first trimester is harsh. My heart rate is sky high after one lap. So I do a lap and then pant against the wall while it comes back down before I go again. I feel kinda pitiful. And I feel like everyone notices, which makes me want to make an overhead announcement that I’m pregnant just ignore me. But it’s not a big enough deal to keep me from loving being back in the pool. I just love the gliding through the water, the non sweaty workout, and the endorphin kick I get.
And now for a dive into my deeper mind.
I learn a lot in locker rooms.
With Baby #2 the pool I used was the University’s pool. Which meant as my belly grew I fit in less and less with the 20-something college kids I was swimming with. I actually used that to my advantage, emotionally. I let it allow me the freedom to become a casual observer of the young fit ladies around me. I didn’t shy my gaze away from them, I just casually observed them. Do you know what I saw time and time again? Total distain for themselves. It was really sad. There were lovely fit women staring in the mirror at their “faults” with looks that could kill. And there were even numerous times where I saw them hit, or smack, poke, or pull on, the places they were mad at. I also watched the strain between the women near each other. I’d watch them not look or sneak looks or glare down or just keep their heads down in shame. It was a very interesting phenomenon. It was also so sad. And it all seemed so out of body at the time for me, being pregnant I rather disconnected from those emotional places, at least for that pregnancy. It really inspired me to try and not treat myself the way those women were treating themselves. If only they could have stepped back and saw just how lovely there are, take in the whole picture, stop staring at one speck on their body.
Now with Baby #3 the pool I am using is at the YMCA. Women of all ages shapes and sizes use this locker room. Today was a busy pool day. Lots of water classes. So when I arrived and when I left there were plenty of older ladies getting dressed. And that meant today was the first day I saw lots of naked ladies in the locker room. In the university locker room the women seemed to all change in the couple changing rooms or showers or at the least covered by a towel. But today at the YMCA there were lots of half dressed, or not dressed ladies standing around and talking. To be honest, when first walking into this I felt weird, and tried to look down to be polite. Got my stuff in the locker and headed to the pool. But on my way out as I was getting my socks and shoes on, and older lady sitting next to me on the bench struck up a bit of conversation. At first as I came to my locker I had seen her short grey hair, her eyes facing away from me, but then when we both turned towards each other…. I literally almost gasped out loud when our eyes met. When her eyes met mine her beauty overcame me. Her eyes were crystal clear, bright blue, sweet and kind and her simple makeup brought it out more. Her heart showed so sweet in her eyes I think I let my jaw drop a bit. I think she’s seared in my mind forever. She really did knock me out a bit. As she talked to me, she let her towel down without thinking, sitting topless on the bench. I let my casual observer back to the surface again, and decided not to be the eyes to the ground girl. I saw her breasts, and I was surprised to know in that moment, that even in her age, despite everything I’ve ever been feed through the media and believed to be true with my inexperienced eyes having no defense against, I was surprised in that moment to know that her breasts were still quite lovely. Still something to be admired. Yes they were aged, no they weren’t where they used to be, but to my surprise they were something very lovely to see. Not in an asexual way, no, they still were so feminine and sensual. I moved my eyes again out of politeness, but they had an appeal that asked to keep a gaze. Her whole being did. And she sat just so at ease in her body she’s carried around this long. Like she just didn’t think of it now, instead she just was there. It all felt so calm, with an ebb and flow like water. Just right after being in water.
I left that day feeling so much more at peace; because she sat in peace with herself, and it placed me at peace with myself. There have been a couple days where I’ve looked in the mirror since getting pregnant this time and gotten scared. What will this pregnancy do to me? How will I look after being stretched out and nursed dry one more time? Is the mirror going to be a place I can’t handle? Today changed my mind. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. That lady with the short grey hair, and the bright blue eyes, and the non-worried-over exposed breasts showed me a beauty I have never seen in youth.