Tuesday, November 25, 2014

9 Weeks Down

Today I hit 10 weeks pregnant.

Phew --  hitting the double digits! That can only mean good things. Just a few more weeks of nausea -- at least that’s how the first two went. Maybe this baby wants to give me an early break (please!)?

So week 9…how was it?

Well first let me say this may sound like another long whine fest. But outside this blog post, which I’m doing to record this pregnancy accurately, I’ve been trying to focus on things I am grateful and not spend too much time stuck on the actual grossness of my moment. Not saying I’m great at it -- but I am saying I don’t sound this whiney all the time in my head. (Sometimes I do though, so…)


Morning sickness -- every women who’s ever been pregnant probably agrees that the name is so dumb --  I actually feel the best in the morning -- just a little “get some food in me” queasiness. So I usually feel pretty ok after breakfast. But as the day goes on I fade more and more. Worse and worse tummy aches and more and more exhaustion. So that by 4:00 I’m READY for Blake to get home and give me parenting relief. (Which is usually around 6:00.) Once he’s home I pretty much check out of life. I Lay on the couch till I climb into bed -- after popping my unisom.

This week (who am I kidding, maybe last last 2-3 weeks) has been the week where I can only stomach the one food that sounds ok to me. And it’s never predictable. Always changing. And it's usually take-out/fast food. Why? I think solely due to the fact I don’t have to see it prepared -- which is disgusting visually and smell-full-ly right now. Poor Blake -- I’ve sent him on so many runs.

After  I eat that one food I’m usually feeling better. (not always though -- last night I felt worse.) But the problem is, I endlessly burp right now and if the food is spiced enough to make that experience gross -- well then I’m really upset I ever ate it, and it goes on the “no more of that!” list.

Also heart burn as joined the list of symptoms I enjoy this week. It’s basically all the time. I can get heart burn after eating a plain bagel with cream cheese. (How does that make sense?) I don’t remember even having heart burn at all with Ruby. And with Jasmine I didn’t until my belly was huge. I’ve chosen to basically ignore the fact that I have heart burn -- because it’s not really bad now -- and I feel like the nausea is enough to keep me occupied.

What do I like now?
I enjoy drinking water with a good amount of lemon squeezed in it (hm, maybe that does help the heart burn.) But that’s the only way I can think of drinking water. And it has to be real lemon - I can’t stand the concentrate from the bottle -- that tastes dusty and moldy to me (nonsense -- but I can’t stand it.)

The repeat foods of this week have been bagels and cream cheese, and macaroni salad.
Let me just say I have no idea how anyone does a paleo first trimester -- I hilariously pondered it pre-getting pregnant (why I don’t know -- because I actually kinda hate the idea in general) and that few out the window at week 5. The grains are my life line. I can’t look at meat much and veggies well, those seem to hurt me. If you are or have successfully paleo-ed your first trimester (like for real), wow my hat’s off you you! I spend a lot of time thinking how if I lived in earlier days (paleo for sure, or even like little house on the prairie) I would NOT survive pregnancy -- the first trimester would have killed me -- or the people around me would have smothered me in my sleep due to my neediness/annoyingness. 
Anyway the rest of what I eat has been random. I do tend to enjoy a cup of tea in the mornings too. Oh and I guess the last couple days I’ve gotten back into eating eggs for breakfast again. That feels like a kinda big deal (for a while there they were too gross to eat.)

Physically: Well the “food” section pretty much summed this up. If I wasn’t constantly nauseas and exhausted I’d be feeling just fine. But I am. So I’m incredibly grateful for Blake. If it weren’t for him, me and the girls would be in trouble. He’s holding this ship together. I seriously (for real!) could not do this without him. So this section is just a shout out to him. Thank you so much, Sweetie. You are amazing!

A Word on the Photo:
I washed my hair for you! That’s a big deal. I mean, I can’t even comprehend why everything is as hard to do as it is, but washing my hair takes a BIG pep talk. That said, I did not shave my legs for you -- too much people, too much.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to use this dress (often? every photo?) as I grow. It’s a clear maternity winner -- basic, layerable, it’s got the flattering rushing on the sides, fits anytime, will be great in summer. So I know I’m gonna wear it a lot this time. Added bonus -- got it on clearance at Target a while back -- doing my classic shop while I’m not pregnant move. Anyway, that’s why I’m wearing something that looks freezing, while it’s cold outside. Thought it might be fun to watch the belly change the dress.

Also one more thought. Right now I ponder if there is a bump or not, wishing it was flatter still, but in 30 weeks I’m gonna think that belly looks flat as a pancake. And come 34 weeks or so from now I’m gonna look at this photo and drool wishing I could look anything like this.
So….Lydia…take the time to appreciate it now. Ok? Thanks.

I can’t tell. Some nights I’m like “woah -- that’s a bump already….A really lumpy not-baby-looking bump.” but then it’s usually gone (gone-ish) in the morning.
I haven’t really gained any more yet (I think, it fluctuates). (Fingers crossed I can hold the rest off till 2nd trimester. No promises though, I’m kinda surprised at this weeks maintenance.) Some days I feel really fat. I know, I know “You’re pregnant, not fat” -- but sometime my body just feels thick -- like my back and arms feel puffy. But, same as my belly, that feeling is usually is gone in the mornings. So maybe my body just retains water through the day or something.  But I’m just having to fight the mental battle that I won’t gain 1,000 pounds, and that I will be able to be fit after a 3rd baby.
I’ve barley worked out. I don’t know if I made it to the Y this week or not -- closer to not if it isn’t not. I seem to get queasier per amount of physical movement I do during the day (I mean like if I do laundry I then have to lay down due to extreme nausea pay back -- how lame is that?), so it’s hard to want to work out knowing I will pay for it worse before Blake can get home and help me. But as far as the Y goes,the swimming gets me spent,  but really it’s the getting the girls there and back on top of the physical exertion -- it’s a bit much for me this trimester. When we get home they have like 15 needs including food and I feel like I’m about to pass out (like in a shaky literal sense), but I need to get them settled in. I’m gonna keep trying to go, but I’ll just have faith that I’ll be much better at it when the next trimester relives me.

Belly Comparisons for kicks:

I know it’s too early. But for 2 weeks now I get tiny flutters down very low. I’m pretty sure that two weeks ago they couldn’t be real. But this week I’ve had some really convincing ones. Everything ever written tells me this is impossible. But they also say on those “pregnancy week things” you won’t feel the baby till like 18 weeks. I’ve ALWAYS felt them so much sooner than that. I  felt my first baby’s first flutter at 10 or 11 weeks and I was positive it was her - I’d never felt any feeling like that in my life -- it was very clearly NOT gas. But with these subsequent babies I’m never sure to trust it since post baby #1 I’ve had phantom baby kicks regularly so I’m not sure my sensations are reliable. (Although those phantoms never feel like flutters, they feel like kicks.) But anyway, all that to say, I’m feeling stuff, but I don’t know for super sure it’s the baby. But I love feeling it because, baby or not, it snaps me out of my “I’m just sick, boo hoo” into “Oh! Holy crap! There’s a baby inside me.”

These all over the place and hormonally intense.

  • The food stuff has been emotionally hard on me this pregnancy because I face the food allergies in the midst of the havoc first trimester wreaks on me. I feel worried I’m not handling food right for my kids right. And much worse than pre-pregnant, I get really super jealous of other kids eating food my kids can’t eat. I get jealous of the parents who can just treat food like food and not like scary substances. But the girls have been really good about letting me eat food they can’t lately. The first week or so I started doing this made them sad. But I went and found a couple more allergy versions of some of what I eat and that helped them feel included. And besides that they seem to really care about the idea that it’s what I need to eat right now, and Jasmine said something this week that just really touched my heart. I can’t remember the exact wording but she said out of the blue, something like “It’s ok that you eat cheese (she can’t) because the baby likes it. And you are taking care of the baby.” That’s just so shockingly mature for a four year old. I had to hold back massive crying flood when she told me that. (And when typing it.) And Ruby seems to have a sweet 2 year old similar understanding.

  • In the “woman realm” of emotions this week I had a nice break through. You know how you can wind up mentally competing with some other women so easily?? Often for no good reason. I’ve been doing that worse while pregnant. And well…story…. someone on instagram, who I don’t know and don’t follow, liked my 9 weeks pregnant photo because she is 9 weeks pregnant too. I don’t always check out people who like my photos but she liked a few and commented. So I investigated. She is a fitness person, uses instagram as a fitness outlet, so her nine week bump-not-a-bump is surrounded by abs. She’s got photos doing head stands of yoga contortions. This might not have phased me except I also somehow randomly instagram looked at someone else who was like her clone recently.  So I started to feel like “crap, I’m gross, I’m fat, I should have done better workouts before I got pregnant again, bla bla bla” But before I ran down that whole road I stopped myself. And I finally realized how silly it is to always be comparing myself to other women. We are playing two different games. Essentially she’s playing soccer and I’m playing baseball. Why am I trying to beat her at soccer? Why don’t I just decide to be doing my very best at baseball (and cut myself slack on my off days.) How’d I finally figure that out? Well she’s having her first baby. I’m having my third. I think her actual job is working out (not sure, I don’t know her) but that is not my job. I’m renovating a house while stay-at-home-momming, she doesn’t seem to be renovating a house. I have kids, I love with all my heart, with food allergies and I’m trying to maneuver through that without much guidance or understanding from many. She’s grappling with understanding what motherhood will be like -- she’s yet to get there. We are playing different games. Of course my abs don’t look like hers. Nor should I care. We are playing different games. It’s not just about abs. It’s how women brains work. And how I want to kiss that goodbye as much as possible. I want to keep remembering no one is actually playing the game I’m playing, on the team I’m on, at the time I’m in. I can’t really compare myself to other people and get much of real value from it, so why waste my time doing it?

  • In other news, sometimes I think about having 3 kids and it’s not something I’ve really wrapped my mind around yet. But what I end up thinking sometimes is how I’m crossing a line. 3 kids doesn’t count as “a big family” yet -- but it’s over the “neat 2” line. (And I’m not saying anything about anyone’s family size here -- that’s none of my business, your family is your own, I think you’re great. I’m just sharing some thoughts I’ve been having, rational or not, they come in my mind.) So I wonder if people will treat me differently because to some, now I have a lot of kids. Thankfully I know a lot of people with at least 3 kids. But I also know a lot of people with less. For instance my mom had two. Sometimes I feel really weird about going somewhere my mom hasn’t -- knowing I can’t ask her “What did you do when #3 did…” “How did you balance three?"

  • And one more feeling to share. I’m nervous about Thanksgiving. Nausea. (Read a deep seated repulsion to food planning) Food allergies. (Read: a deep seated need for food planning.) Sigh. Send me a couple prayers if you think of it.

And for a dose or reality:
10 weeks pregnant for real!

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