26 Weeks Pregnant with #3

This past week was really hard for me. I actually had a couple good days, but they were accompanied by Jasmine getting the flu.

I missed a conference at church that I had been looking forward to from before I was pregnant.

And basically I just broke emotionally. It is very difficult to be sick so long and keep your sanity. I had two days where I just couldn’t stop crying. Like CRYING. Not tears, sobs. My eyes almost swelled shut.

Baby seems nice and squirmy.
Despite the fact that last night (which is technically not part of the week I'm typing up, but the next one) I seemed to come down with that flu Jasmine had.

Thankfully my mom is here to help me with the girls while I do nothing but lay in bed.

The pictures this week are not ideal.

I spend most my life right now laying, and attempting to cheer
myself up by feeling baby move, while I feel sick.

This is me today.

Belly and me almost done with Gilmore Girls

Best Belly shot I can muster for you.
Gorgeous.

25 Weeks Pregnant with #3

I’m not gonna write very much at all about pregnancy this week. I’m just seriously too crabby to even bother. You don’t wanna read it. I don’t wanna write it. I’ll just tell you...

I have moments where I don’t have nausea. So in that way I guess I can say I’m feeling better. Because in my first trimester and start of second I had basically zero moments with no nausea.
     But I also have lots of chunks of time with just-as-bad-as-always nausea. Or sometimes it’s not even nausea anymore, it’s just flat out stomach cramp-indegestion pain. Neither is preferable over the other, they both suck. They just suck differently. When it hurts, I can move even less than I already do -- fetal position is the only option for me... but I can think more clearly in these moments where I lay there, I kinda don’t feel as angry. But when it’s nausea I am just generally filled with insane amounts of brain fog and furious emotions that I don’t know how to overcome. After six and a half months of this, I just seriously do not know how to get rid of my crabbiness. I’m not sure anyone should be near me anymore.
     There is no rhyme or reason to when and how much nausea or relief I get. I can kind of count on mornings being better than afternoons/evenings/nights. But not always, sometimes mornings are bad too. (Like this one.)

     I’ve spent some time this week doing that "desperate google” (honestly, I don’t know how I made it this long before I broke down and did this.) And finding insane blog posts all over about “cures” for nausea. One internet favorite is only applicable BEFORE you get pregnant. What the heck, you know the people reading it are already screwed (if this cure is even real, but to be honest I’m pretty sure it’s not. At least in cases such as mine.) The most baffling ones are the ones that claim eating certain foods, always and consistently, is the surefire way to never get nausea. The types of food listed are the reason I am lead to to believe these people just never actually had any nausea (or would have had any anyway) because the foods the list, are foods I can’t even look at, nor are they foods I even want to think about. Like, ok…. how is someone who is always on the verge of puking supposed to subject them-self to cod liver oil?!? Or endless meats and fermented foods? Seriously. What are you talking about!?
     I’ve had a pregnancy where I could pull off eating well. And then I had this pregnancy. Life’s not fair. I’m not gonna cure myself with cod liver oil. I’d vomit just trying to get it to my mouth.

My grandma decided I’m sick because this is a really tall baby. “He’s going to be 25 inches long,” she says. (No we don’t know if we are having a boy or not. That’s just what she’s going with.) Apparently my stomach hurts because there just isn’t enough room in there for everything.
     I actually like this theory the best of any I’ve heard. One) because it’s entertaining. Two) because I’m super short, and Blake’s not tall, so it’s be great if we can somehow pull off tallness for a child. Three) Because no one is scared of having long babies, just fat babies. Long babies just slide out. And four) because it’s nothing I have control over -- no more “just do this and you will feel better” advice. Finally someone gives me the go ahead on “You just feel nauseous because it’s just the way it is.” High Five Grandma. I will take it. Tall baby here we come. ;)



I wonder if the progesterone cream helps some. I’ve been using it 9 days now. I think it’s kinda given me those brief pauses in nausea.  And I think it may also contribute to me being able to get some more done around the house, even if I don’t feel good -- maybe upping my stamina a bit.

It’s a lot of cream to rub on. The non-pregnant dosage is smaller and easier to do. The pregnant version is kinda lotion over-load for the skin to actually absorb. I have started putting it on morning and night because I can get it rubbed in easier that way. Plus I figure maybe that’s good to keep hormones balanced over the day?

Anyway, like I said. I have gotten more done this week than normal. Part of that was because my mom was in town. While she hung out with the girls (Day 2) I was feeling good enough (compared to Day 1which was a fetal position day) to finish scrubbing down the upstairs hallway walls.
     Those had been wallpapered. Once in the 60’s, and then in the 80’s. I believe there was ancient 60’s flour paste on the walls under the 80’s wallpaper (thankfully they had pulled the 60’s stuff down before they added a layer! Phew. One less thing for us to conquer. I only found one chunk of it under the thermostat -- it was groovy! I seriously can’t imagine how hard it hit you in the face with an entire two story entry way full of it!) So that paste made the walls really rough, and lumpy, and messy. It would look horrible if you were to just paint over it. (And that would be terrible to do, because then it’s permanently attached to the walls.) I had scrubbed down half the hallway, right before I got pregnant….I think. And then just abandoned it. The hallway looks haunted. It’s gross. But whatever. I was just surviving anyway.

Peek into my mind: I kind of teeter between the mentality that
A) I’m learning life is more important than having everything be perfect. I can live pretty much every bit as much in a gross environment as a nice one.
-AND-
B) Everything is easier to do if you are surrounded by beauty.

The two do not go together. I think they are both true. But they don’t actually go together.
I’d clearly prefer if everything was beautiful. I do think this would be easier to endure inside a completely complete house (decorations and organization and all.) But I am learning I can survive gross inside a mess too.

Anyway, that paste is very difficult to scrub off. I didn’t try many methods, because I don’t really think any certain thing would have made it go faster. I just used hot water (refilled often because it gets crazy dirty, and needs more warmth again), a washcloth, and elbow grease. (Plus I didn’t want to have to smell anything like vinegar or fabric softener that can be used on wallpaper -- I hate smells right now. But like I said, I don’t see how they would have sped anything up. Fabric softener actually sounds like it would have made things worse to me.) I was worried it would take me a week to finish scrubbing the hallway. Because I think it took me 2 or 3 days to get the first half done, and that was before I was a wimpy pregnant person. But thankfully I had started on the end with more wall space, and was ending on the side with more doors than walls. So it actually only took me an afternoon!

It feels really nice that it’s done. Sadly this sensation does nothing for the visual of the hallway. It’s still the same haunted color, it’s just smoother. 

The next step with be mudding and sanding. It’s not terribly pitted from wallpaper --which is GREAT news. But there are spots we gouged when pulling the wallpaper down, and just spots general needing to be fixed.

I’m not sure when I’ll get to that. We’ll see.
Then will be painting the trim and then painting the walls.
    And I’m not even really thinking about the doors. I think we might take those down this summer and spray them outside. They are really tedious to paint. The doors that I have pained, I’ve done 3 coats of paint, and they really could use 4. That semi-gloss paint just has a way of showing through in some spots.

None of this addresses the tall part of the entry way. That part is gonna be a PROJECT.

This is just the reachable, walkable hallway upstairs.

Someday it will be that muddy grey color you see below it, and the trim and doors will be white like the one downstairs is.
(And Some-someday the stairs will look better, the railings and banisters will be different, and the entryway walls will be woodwork painted trim-white.)

Anyway, other than that.
Monday was gorgeous outside. And instead of feeling inspired to walk to the park (which is sorta what I had originally thought I would try to do.) I suddenly felt compelled to go through the girls clothes and do the seasonal switch. I think this was actually the best call I could have made. I’m pretty sure the walk to the park would have been to much for my body and the playing at the park too much for my mind, and then we would have had to get home!
Going through the girls clothes worked out perfect. I was able to let the girls play in the back yard for much of the time. I had all our windows open. And we were all quite pleased with the day.

(Dear first four-and-a-half-years-of-motherhood-Lydia,
 Mark your calendar. Someday you will accomplish something again without someone touching you, or pleading with you, or undoing your work, or slowing it WAY down. And it won’t be the middle of the night! And you don’t have to feel guilty about any of it. )

The girls room had gotten really messy. And their clothes were basically a wreck. Tons of stuff that didn’t fit, or go together, or work. They basically wore 4 outfits this winter, but mostly pajamas all day due to me not wanting to move. Their closet looked like it puked out it’s contents all over the floor in front of it. (Maybe it’s pregnant too.) {Sorry forgot to take a before picture. Just imagine a HUGE mess on the floor, with hardly anything hanging up.}
     Blake’s been kind enough to recently volunteer to get the girls dressed every morning, to make it easier for me to try and get out of the house if I’m up to it. So I figured getting their clothes back into working order would help us all.
     So I did the whole pull out the too small stuff, and then get out the next season’s stuff from the garage. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I had for Jasmine this year. I thought I might need to buy it all this year for her. But actually, somehow we still had the we-have-too-many-clothes-problem. (We got given stuff by 3 people this fall and I kinda forgot that ever happened with my brain fog.) So we just picked out the stuff she liked most.
     I’d always rather have fewer, more enjoyed, clothing options than too many. Otherwise laundry day... is laundry week, which starts as soon as it ends. I still probably have more in there than I ideally would. But we also are still straddling cold and warm weather, so that ups the amount of stuff on hand.
Anyway. That accomplishment feels epic.
      I cannot convey how wonderful I think a truly organized space is. I get a calmness inside that is just so peaceful when I know everything is pared down and has a home.

I guess I should mention that bottom row is just dress up clothes. (Pretty much all from Grandma!)

And the stuff to the left of the organizer are winter coats.

By the way, someday I hope to give this closet a function-makeover. The setup could be much better. A double bar all the way across is kinda cumbersome. 

And of course we still need doors on here!

I know it won’t last. But that doesn’t make the current peace any less.


Speaking of…
Last week, I forgot to share, that I went through our bathroom closet and organized that.

Before

After

The bottom still looks messy with that light fixture in there. But it’s gonna get a makeover and get hung up in this bathroom. So someday it will be outta there.

 I found these “locker bins” at Dollar Tree. (I was so happy I found this many white ones!) And went through all our stuff and organized it all. That also was insanely refreshing.

I must be nesting. (But really, I’ve been wanting to do this stuff for, forever. It’s just only now that I’m getting to it. I have just the right amount of energy for it. If I had any more energy I’d be painting and therefore putting off this stuff. So it’s kinda a weird perk of the moment -- finding some order in my house.)

Next up…my closet. 

Besides getting laundry put away (again!…always.) I need to pull out the stuff I’ve outgrown so I can stop looking at it and feeling fat. That pile on my bed is stuff I hope makes me feel a little less gross. This pregnancy is a fluffy one. I’m just gonna have to deal with it. (And I may deal with it by not looking at that stripped dress I showed you last week anymore -- horizontal stripes are kinda too much for my brain already. I don’t care about the belly bump -- it’s the back bumps I’m getting that I’m trying not to cry over. "Someday I won’t be pregnant. Someday my body will let me eat normal again. Someday I’ll be able to do more than lay on a couch." )

Also…I need to go through our hallway linen closet. 

It’s packed full of nonsense that I shoved in there while unpacking our house. I bought these baskets to help control stuff more nicely. It’s a really narrow closet, so these were the closest baskets I could find to the right size for the space. I’m hoping for good results when I get to it.

Belly Comparisons:
 

Sigh. I remember very clearly not feeling too pregnant at all this point with #2. I already feel like I did full term (with #1, which was a heavier pregnancy than #2) and…I have for a while now (maybe like since second trimester.)
Here’s to the last week of my second trimester.
I guess.
I’m never going to believe I had a second trimester this time.
I’m in permanent first trimester, and have somehow felt as sore as third trimester for ages already.
Here’s hoping third trimester can’t get any worse.

I still like feeling baby kick in there.
If anyone has any delightful baby videos or awesome birth videos they’ve seen around the internet, send me a link. Those are the only things that remind me I’m pregnant and not experiencing a terminal illness. I watch them when I extra need a boost.

24 Weeks Pregnant with #3

Whomp Whomp.

Nauseous again.

This is what I’m actually wearing today. It’s my “it’s almost spring” outfit. I’m only showing you because I got dressed for once. But it’s so comfy it hardly counts. (I got it from walmart.com a while a go, they don’t have it anymore. It fit kinda weird, so me and my mom altered it a bit, so this is the first time I’ve gotten a chance to wear it.)

I don’t know how or why, but I kinda just reverted right back in to nausea this week. Not as bad as first trimester (which was non-functional) but clear nausea, food aversions, intense smells (and gross outs), and really close to throwing up Saturday night -- which I just laid on the couch and labor-breathed through till I was only nauseous, not on the very verge of puke. That took maybe an hour of breathing and eyes closed focus. And after that I just laid the rest of the night watching Gilmore Girls.

Aside: I am in season 6, and to be honest I don’t like it anymore, --- Rory has basically been confusing me/disappointing me/ making me wonder what the writers did to her, I don’t feel like it fit her personality to go this route, maybe I’m wrong but I’m not feelin it... since season 5 and I’m not sure I’ll really be convinced to like her again (this may be do to the fact that I am basically her mom’s age when watching this, even though I was her age when the show was made -- so I’m feeling parental instead of like a peer -- but honestly my younger self isn’t impressed either), and really Lorelai has been kinda annoying me the whole time on and off.  Which I think is the point. But it’s honestly just not my cup of tea. But I just feel the need to finish up the show to say I did, since I made it this far. (Didn’t watch it when it was on TV.) Thankfully it seems like they focus a bit less on food once Rory is at college --- I say this because of my nausea, I had to take a break from watching it for a while there I couldn’t stand all the food and coffee imaginary smells that came with it. (During the break I watched all of How I Met Your Mother, which I enjoyed way more.) (Yes, when you always feel nauseous Netflix seems to be a good way to spend your evenings.) (And TV wise….Tears…Downtown Abbey’s season already ended. Sunday night has nothing left for me.)


Anyway, back from TV land,
I clearly lost my mind this week. Like mental breakdown crying, and whining, and pity partying, and worrying.
It was immensely not fun to go back to being nauseous. And it’s really hard to not lose all hope -- because seriously, if it comes back, how do I know it will ever go away? I don’t. I just know someday it will be July.
My progesterone creme was supposed to arrive last friday -- I have been watching the shipment tracking info like a hawk, and all day Friday it said it was on time and would get here by 8:00pm. It still said that at 10:00pm…. then they just changed it to say Wednesday. Of all the things I’ve ever waited for in the mail, why did they do this only to this package?
But a sweet friend brought some she had over to my house on Sunday, and then my package showed up on Monday.
So I’ve been using some since Sunday. I can’t tell if it’s gonna do anything or not. I think it will take some time to really do anything.

So yeah it’s been kinda of a crabby week. I’m finding myself up against not only my thoughts, but other people’s thoughts this week. It’s all well intentioned. But I just have barely enough energy to shift through my thoughts, I really don’t have it in me to add any. This week people seem to keep asking what they can do to help. Which I really do appreciate the sentiment. But I can’t think of a single thing to say -- nothing really would help. But I constantly try to reassess the situation to see if maybe there would be something someone could do. And it usually leaves me feeling worse off because I start feeling hopeless.
Then add in the advice of what helps with nausea -- or articles, links and posts -- and I’m back to that feeling I kept getting when we first found out about all our children’s food allergies. SO many theories. SO many “dos and don’ts.” None of them actually apply. But you try to make them make sense for a while because you are desperate. And it only makes you feel alone, because you realize one size doesn’t fit all, and maybe right now nothing at all fits. Maybe right now you just survive.
.
.
.
Hugs and flowers. Can’t go wrong with hugs and flowers. Those help.
.
Or maybe like really fancy soap? lol.  Good smells are nice.
...(But we have milk allergies. No milk soaps.)…(see, even the easy stuff….never easy for me.)



Besides the emotional baggage that comes with nausea, I also kinda freaked out about my abs separating.

Here’s how that went down….last week I asked my midwife if I should stop doing the core exercise on my DVD because my abs looked like a lump was coming up in the middle between them.
My belly looked like this video -- which isn’t me.
 (Showed her, she agreed don’t do it anymore.) But then she went on to describe (after telling me to work on getting them back together after pregnancy) a client she’s seen who hasn’t cared to get them back together and how strange it feels to palpitate her baby because there is nothing at all between her skin and her insides. This seriously freaked me out so much. I don’t know why, it just is disturbing to me. I like my body to be the way it’s supposed to be. Lacking it’s natural protection between my guts and the outside world kinda just horrifies me.

This lead me to think, “Well, I know I will have less time to figure this out once baby is here, I’m not doing anything now, why not study up and figure out the way to fix this now, so I’ll be ready.” (All while I’m cringing to think my guts are falling out.)

This lead to me an overwhelming amount of information.

When I get too much information concerning my health, while I don’t feel healthy, I end up in a dark place. Even if it’s kinda just trivial health stuff, it starts to feel life and death to me.

Wednesday was the height of these things combined. And I cried and got really crabby. Poor Blake.

But the good news is, after I had my cry-fest, I could think more clearly. I shifted through the information more sanely. And I made some wise choices. And I am very close to being an expert on diastasis recti. (Ok I’m not really an expert, but I know a lot all of a sudden.) I actually think I’ll do a whole blog post on it, because it’s actually a pretty important topic.
But until I write that up let me give you this word of caution.

If you are pregnant, or have been pregnant please do not do these exercises.

Photo Via

You can really mess your body up.
If you have been pregnant, and you are very sure you do not have an ab separation (this is how you can check yourself) you can do these with caution (keeping an eye on things, making sure you don’t cause a separation), but there are actually other exercises to get a flat tummy without risking injury. (Here are a few I have found thus far in my research.)

But you absolutely know with certainty that you shouldn’t be doing these pictured exercises if, when you are doing them you see your abs looking worse mid movement, instead of better --- If your belly raises up (or if doing planks, dip down) into a strange blob in the center when you do these, you need to stop. That’s not just “needing to lose the baby weight” that’s your abs telling you “bad idea.” That blob is actually your guts popping through your muscle separation. You will only make your abs separate more and you will un-flatten your belly. Not only will you be less pleased with your figure, but this can cause other issues with your pelvic floor and your back. It’s not worth it.


So that’s my word of advice. For now. I will have more to say about it all soon, once I get a firmer grip on it all -- but if you are dying to figure this out ASAP you can see my Pinterest Board I’m compiling as I research.
So if anyone tried that DVD I mentioned before -- the entire core workout is basically made of this stuff. Don’t do it. It’s a prenatal workout, but it’s a bad idea to do while pregnant. The arms and legs part should be pretty ok. There’s a couple things you’d wanna skip in there though.

I think that’s how I was getting a diastasis -- by trying to be a little bit healthy with my DVD and making the wrong movements. After stoping and making some changes (which I’ll talk about more in my post on the subject) I got it to pretty much close back up. I think this is because I caught it early on. It may open a bit again by the end, just from getting bigger, I don’t know, but I’m going to keep making wise choices so I can be as healthy as I can later. Diastasis Recti can be hard to fix later  (not always, but for some people it’s really difficult) so I want to do what I can ahead of time to keep it to a minimum.

If anyone wants to know what I did ASAP (like because they are getting one.) I used my old postpartum binder I got from the hospital after my c-section to do what they show in this video. (My binder looks just like what they are using.) If you watch this video they explain why you would splint -- it’s not the main fix, but part of the fix. And then I’ve begun to really focus on engaging my core, whether I’m wearing the splint or not, to keep the muscles together.  Here’s a great tutorial on how to figure out engaging your core. (This is a good idea to do regardless of if you have a diastasis or not.)

It’s actually hard for me (mentally) to let it go loose now (it takes a lot of thought to un-do what I’ve been teaching my muscles to do. So from now on you’ll be getting a smaller looking engaged belly picture for each week -- because it’s better for me, and I’m getting stuck on it. Not that my belly won’t keep getting bigger anyway.

Before this week, during this pregnancy, I had been really just almost pushing my belly out -- not exactly, but... giving it full looseness freedom. I kept thinking about how a friend of my mom’s had said she loved being pregnant because it was the only time she didn’t have to suck in her belly. And I guess I figured I’d try to embrace that since everything else has been un-fun. BUT I think that mentality was aiding the diastasis. So I’m saying goodbye to that whole thing. (By the way, this is not sucking in, this is engaging. This article addresses the difference, it’s rather important to get it right.)

So doing that and stopping any “wrong” exercises is how I’ve gotten it to mostly close. I have only a finger’s worth separation in my belly button, and the rest is closed right now. (The top of my belly still gets a tiny lump, when testing for it, which I don’t understand because the muscles close, so I’m guessing that’s fat. I don’t know. Lord knows I have some extra these days.) So that’s a ray of sunshine in my hard times, no more guts falling out.

But after I read some more stuff (I ordered a couple books, and have bookmarked tons of websites) I’ll do a more thorough post on diastasis.)

In baby news. I sure can feel this little baby move. Since I’m still nauseous, it’s pretty weird to feel the baby move so hard. I’m convinced I’m still in the first trimester, even though I only have a few more weeks left of second (how weird is that?) But baby moves almost constantly surprise me. Especially any shots to the bladder! I’m pretty sure baby is still flop flopping around in there. I know I have lots of time before it matters, so it’s cool.

Besides that I keep making plans on stuff I want to do with my life when I don’t feel so sick (and of course I realize I can’t do a lot of them with a new born either) but I want so bad to make sense out of my life. Right now I feel like there is none. I guess I’m just dreaming towards some. It’s not like huge life ambitions. It’s just simple things like “have friends.” “Spend some time with them.” lol. These are honestly just truly aspirational at this point though.  I have more obstacles towards human interactions than I feel should be allowed, but such is life.
(Incase you are thinking “What is she talking about?” You moms know that having small kids presents lots of challenges towards social interacting. But seriously, when you add in “allergic to tons of foods, and pets” well, you remove (or at least majorly complicate) nearly any normal social situation from play. And then add in “getting in the car makes me sick” well -- screw it. We’ll just stay in our house till July. I’ll just have to see people later on.)

At least the snow is melting this week. That mixed with birds signing brings me hope that someday it will be summer.
And maybe at least we can play outside while we wait for this baby.


And one more random other thing. I’ve gotten a couple notes, and emails (and comments too) recently from awesome mommas just reaching out to me because of my blog. Everyone for their own reasons. And I just wanted to say they all touch me so deeply. It means so much to me when anyone emails me/Facebook messages me for whatever reason. Some c-section mommas, sometimes friends of c-section mommas (bless your hearts!), some VBAC advice seekers, some just to say they relate, or just whatever. (If I’m lucky I get birth stories in the mix. I love birth stories, the good and the hard, I love them. If you’ve shared yours with me I tuck it into my heart.) I’m always just so moved to hear from you. (This paragraph makes it sound like I have truck loads of fan mail. I really don’t, I just remember all the ones I’ve gotten over the years.) If something I’ve said means something to you I just feel so blessed to be connected to you in some way. And I love hearing from you all -- it fits the pieces of my puzzle together.
Thank you to anyone who hangs out with me here online. And thank you for sharing back with me when you can. It’s so comforting. We all need to feel less alone, and understood -- you ladies help me so much with that.

Belly Comparisons:

Since I don’t know what to actually count anymore, you get two this week. But like I said, next week is engaged all the way.

25 Weeks with #2

23 Weeks Pregnant with #3

Tuesday of last week seemed to be a major turning point for me. I felt good for once. And it was good to feel good. That night I ran to the grocery store, because we were out of a bunch of stuff, and I willingly said, “Yeah I’ll go.” (I think I’d been to the grocery store maybe twice -- and in a painful way -- my whole pregnancy.) And when I got there I liked what I saw! (HUGE.) And I just stood in front of the produce and wanted it all. (UNHEARD OF.) So I pretty much bought it all. (Because I could.) When I got home I still felt good, despite it being late, and so I prepped some food for the next day. And I was STILL excited about the food. The smells hadn’t changed my mind. (I could have moon walked.)
So I went to bed after that, but couldn’t sleep because I was just so thrilled that my body just laid there in awed joy. I kept telling myself to go to sleep so I could feel ok the next day, but I just couldn’t, I was too thrilled.

Thankfully that didn’t really mess up my next day.

I’ve been able to eat so much healthier this week. Eating salad is like my own personal trip to France. I can’t explain the amount of joy I get, from getting joy from vegetables again.

And so I feel like my weight gain this week as been more on par with with I’m used to from my previous pregnancies. (Before with all the nausea I was gaining much faster than I am used to, because eating was the only way to not throw up. Weirdest circle of logic, but I’m guessing some of you totally get it.)
By the way, I really have come to terms with whatever my weight does this pregnancy. I’m just on board this ride. And I’ll be on board the post-partum ride too. But it was nice to eat well this week and for that to show normal-ness again.

I’ve had small bouts of nausea this week, but overall, nothing (I mean nothing) like before. The amount of mental clarity that comes with this is amazing.  I’m extremely grateful. I’ve not been brave enough to go off of unisom yet. With the small bits of nausea still there, I’m not ready to see what it feels like on my own. Hopefully I can be done with it soon though. I’m not super in love with the idea of taking it.

I had a prenatal appointment this week and progesterone creme was suggested to me since I’ve been so sick. (Kinda wish we’d addressed this sooner, but at least I get to look into it now.) She said it can’t hurt.* Progesterone is what maintains the pregnancy, and while clearly I’m maintaining it, I may just have a lower level this time. She said sometimes it’s not even that you have lower levels of progesterone, but you can end up with too much estrogen from the environment (I guess it builds up over time) and then you’re out of balance.
She also said it can help with other hormonal stuff like PMS or postpartum depression.
She said you can get it off Amazon (or some stores, but I don’t know which) She said for cream I’d need to do math and figure out how much would equal 100 mg to rub in. She said put on on more delicate skin (like inner arms or legs, or even belly, which she said is fine when pregnant because it’s what the placenta is doing anyway) Or you can get drops and put it under the tongue (Progon B-L 4x) (Sounds weird but that’s the name -- with the 4x) You’d put one droppperful under the tongue a day.

*I thought I’d throw that out there if anyone wants to look into that for themselves. I am not a medical provider. She was giving me personal advice. You’ll need to do your own research for your own situation. 

So I’m gonna give that a try and see if it helps anything.

The rest of my appointment was good. Baby sounds good. Baby’s still moving all around in there, not ready to settle into a spot yet. So when we checked on him or her, they were laying transverse. But I wasn’t worried in the least, as I can feel feet all over the place through the day-- so I know it was just a moment of laying there. My iron level has come up. So yay to that. I’ll need to keep doing what I’ve been doing to keep it up. (I’ve begun to wonder if I had lower iron levels with my other pregnancies. Providers don’t always check on that through the pregnancy -- usually just to start with. I feel it could have explained my immediate postpartum experience with Ruby, with the bigger blood loss (yet not to hemorrhage level) and passing out all day if I stood up. So I’m glad we are keeping an eye on it this time -- hoping for no passing out this time. lol.)

Emotionally this week, like I said I was THRILLED to be feeling better. And I let myself ride that wave a joy with gusto. And I did so knowing it couldn’t last forever. (No one can be that happy forever I think you’d break or something.) So while I’ve been happy this week, I still had some crabby spots. I still had one evening where I was SO NOT THRILLED to be pregnant and wishing this was already July. I’m still achey. I still feel VERY pregnant (and know I’ll just be getting MORE pregnant.) So it’s been good. But I’m very looking forward to the end still. 

That said, I think I treasure these baby kicks most of any pregnancy. Probably mostly because they are the proof of something good despite it all being so hard. Perhaps also because it’s hard to commit to anything certain future-pregnancy-wise in the face of this one be so hard, so I wonder if these are the last tummy kicks I’ll feel. But I try not to really think about that much because I’m worse under that kind of pressure. I mostly just really truly enjoy feeling this baby in there. And I basically can’t keep my hands off my belly, if I feel any kicks, I want to feel them inside and out.

But speaking of achey. That workout DVD I mentioned before this week, does seem to help me stretch out a lot of aches. But this past week I noticed when I was doing the core workout (which is pilates adjusted onto pillows for pregnancy) that my belly didn’t look round when I was doing it. I could see a lump raise up in the center. I figured this means I’m rocking some diastasis recti now, and checked at my appointment, and yep….I need to skip that part of the workout from now on, and work on getting the muscles back together after baby’s here.

It kinda made me wanna freak out a little when we talked about it. Mostly just due to the mental gross out factor that my guts are closer to my outside. So I kept touching my belly all day after that, in a protective rub of my guts, and mental soothing kinda thing. And it kinda freaked me out because I don’t really know if I had this before with my other pregnancies or not (I didn’t do any exercises like this to give me a chance to watch my belly make that shape.) So I kinda wanted to freak out and think I ruined my belly. (Not only in the vain way, but also in the guts-on-the-out-side-way.) But after a few moments of pacing my thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I MUST have had it after my c-section -- they actually do this on purpose, pull your muscles to the side, so they don’t cut through them. And I know I didn’t have it later after my other two pregnancies, because I checked for it. Plus it’s very common in pregnancy -- WebMD says two thirds of pregnant women will have this. So I calmed down and figured I will live and so will my belly and my guts. I’ll just have to do the right types of exercises later. (Hope you enjoyed the fun trip through my freaky-outy mind. lol.)

And in non-pregnancy related news. We also had a “fun” trip to the ER this past Saturday. Ruby fell off the top back of the couch. I was upstairs at the time, and Blake didn’t see her land (as it was behind the couch) so we didn’t know if she hit her head. She cried way more than her normal self. And after a while she started throwing up. So off to the ER we went, figuring concussion. She threw up about 6 times after the fall, maybe three of those at the hospital. Since she is so young they don’t like doing CT scans unless it’s really clearly needed. So we just stayed for observation for a few hours. 

It was long and boring. And of course when this happens, you wonder if you jumped the gun coming into the ER. But Blake and I were both glad we did, I would have been freaking out at home not getting her checked. By the end of our wait she had woken up from a nap and was back to her normal self and happy to play with the toys they had brought to our room. 

So they sent us home just saying make sure she doesn’t get worse. So that wasn’t really the Saturday I had envisioned. But thankfully we had no plans at all anyway, and everyone was healthy. 

It was kinda of ironic to hold Ruby there on a hospital bed, watching her sleep while pregnant. Because while I was pregnant with Ruby, I did the same thing for Jasmine. (Only that was because Jasmine had RSV.) I kept flashing back to that pregnancy and that trip to the hospital and thinking about how I didn’t know Ruby then, only Jasmine. Thinking about how I wanted to keep Ruby safe while all that was going on, but how I didn’t know her yet. And how that’s exactly like this third baby. I don’t know this baby yet. I feel protective of this baby, I know I love this baby. But I don’t know this baby. I just kept looking at Ruby laying in my arms on the hospital bed and thinking about how big my love is now and how I will have that again for our next baby. Even with the experience of it before it’s still so hard to grasp.

This Belly compared to The Ruby Belly: