It is what it is,

my blog.




This week I am tired in my insides.
Just plain old wiped out from it all.
From the effort.
From the build up.
From the moving on.
And from trying to piece it together in my mind.

{I blogged all along the way.}

I just wish I knew the right way to do it.

I never know if I am taking it too far.

I see the event and I want to rush towards it. Hoping that just maybe I can make a difference. Hoping somehow I can ease the pain. Hoping somehow I can maybe even make it worth it, for her, for me, for us.

Photo Credit

When I hear of anyone having a c-section I want to fly myself over to their hospital room and do something for her.

Miracles are hard to comprehend.

My photo storage space is getting filled up on my blog, so I was going through and deleting stuff I never actually posted (duplicates and things). 

(Because if you must know, I have some big reveals to show you coming up. I've gotten my decorating mojo back! And I need to be able to upload more photos!)

This photo deleting is a Fun Tedious Job!

Well, it is actually fun to see these photos. (Its just figuring out which is used and not thats tedious.)

I landed on this one and was just awestruck.

Baby A, the Baby A I know now and love, was just hanging out in there that day (J's second birthday)! I still can hardly fathom that! That is an outrageous miracle!

Now that I know her, I feel like I remember this day with her little personality in the family mix. But I didn't know her yet that day.

Oh I just wish there was so way to meet my babies for even just a day before they got put in there, so I could just treasure that time in a more real and tangible way, while they were growing in secret.

Miracles are hard to comprehend.

Weigh-in #5

Well...I was nervous about this week.
I didn't think I was going to have anything to report.
But a pound finally fell off just this morning! Phew!

It was wavering oh-so-close to coming off all week. But it was a stubborn one.

I think that was due in part to the fact I lost 3 last week, and also to the fact that I was fooled by a food!
(It was totally my fault.)
But I had wrongfully assumed that the second brand of tortilla shells we bought, had the same number of points that the first brand of shells we used had. When I took the time to calculate them (after two days of use!) I found out that they in fact did not have the four points I was assuming they had, but SEVEN! Sheesh! Seven is a ton! That could account for a meal all on its own! So after I figured that out, I think things shaped up a bit!
Lesson learned...Don't assume! It foils you up!

So I have 9 lbs left to go.
Which leaves me right on track for my goal.
Yay, single digits!

Although when I say "yay" I need to admit to wanting to have a tiny pity party for a couple minutes last night, because I realized that regardless of the fact that I was able to keep my pregnancy weight gain to 9lbs less than last time, this time.... I am only about one pound ahead of last time's post-pregnancy weight loss.
I felt kinda ripped off.
BUT I have to remind myself that last time, while I didn't "try" to lose weight for 3 months, I also didn't  "not try." Meaning I ate good-for-me foods, and besides a bit of chocolate I was given as a new mommy gift, and some seriously delicious pie that came with one meal we were given, I really didn't eat anything but regular-meals-food....no real indulgences even during the first months. (I knew I was "going big or going home" on the weight loss, even then.)
In comparison, this time, I let loose and ate a TONS of ice-cream, cookies, brownies, etc. :) for almost two months.
(I needed that freedom after two years (while both postpartum and pregnant) of insane nit-picking on my diet.)
So that accounts for the slowed weight-loss for sure!

I also need to remind myself that despite the similarity in weight-loss pounds, in relation to postpartum weeks, for both experiences, my overall weight at this stage is something like 15 lbs less this time. And because of that, I really do just feel better about how I look and feel overall. (I was pretty down on myself last time, but this time I've been pretty pleased.) And that's nothing to  pooh-pooh.

So that's the update.
*I think I'm about to go out the the garage and find my pre-pregnant pants... and hope they fit, since the weather is starting to call for that...cross your fingers with me!! Not sure my back-side is ready to let that happen! lol! We'll see. 

"How is it with Two?"

I was pretty scared to add a second baby to our life. Well, I wasn't scared to get pregnant. But once I got closer to the end of the pregnancy, and my VBAC fears were taking over my entire existence, I was becoming more and more terrified to go straight from giving birth, to having a baby. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle that stress, after all the other stress I had endured.
I had also heard a lot of scary stories about how hard it was to have two kids.
I figured my days of sleep were OVER, for YEARS.
And I also was pretty nervous to see how Jasmine would respond to the new one. I was pretty worried she would hate sharing me with the new baby. I envisioned a lot of craziness.
And I also didn't know how I would have any time to just love on the new baby.

After Ruby was born, when my mom was heading out the door to go back to IL (after a week of helping me,) and I was about to be fending for myself with two little ones here in IA... I cried. I am not sure I had ever been so scared. (Ok. That's a hard sentence to use since I was pretty VBAC-hoping-horrified through my entire pregnancy. But this was a new kind of scared. An empty hallow scared. A scared where I was alone, but with two!)

After the first day of purposefully taking very deep breaths. And the in-between from here to there...
I've come to the conclusion that for me, adding a second baby was not as hard as adding the first baby.

Weigh-in #4

Alright,

I did it!

I buckled down and tried.

Those eyes...

I'm just gonna be really honest.

My heart fell on rough times with God after my c-section.

I know, the idea of c-section is so vague to so many people. And not even many women who've had c-sections would relate to me on this exact matter.
I think a lot of times, the concept is so strange to people that the assume they should address the c-section itself.
But really, it wasn't the c-section. It was just a massive disappointment.
A shattered dream.
A life changing moment that I didn't want for myself.

So...
because I didn't want it,
and because God spoke to me before it happened (to tell me it would happen),
I struggle with the whole "my ways are higher than your ways" thing.

I currently, have been struggling with the thought of, "So when is the next time you are going to mold me and break me? I'm not to excited to let you walk me through another fire... I felt that heat -- I have some scars to prove it. "

It makes it really hard to go right up to God, to ask Him anything.
I feel like right now we are in a stare off.
Not one to see who will blink first, but sorta more to see who will speak first.

I say things sometimes.
But so guardedly.
And rather confusedly.

"Is this guy safe?" 
"Should I bother to ask him for anything, since I seem to ask for the wrong things anyway?" 

Today in church the topic was shattered dreams.
And I got really excited, because I thought "Oo oo! This is for me."
To be honest, there wasn't much in it that helped me.
BUT...

During church the slightest scent of an idea started to waft my way.
........................................

My Most Recent Trip to the Pool

This is the second time I've made it to the pool since Baby A was born.

I used to swim in the mornings (both after J was born, back in IL, and while pregnant here in IA.)
But for now, night time works best for all of us.

I walked towards the building in the slightly-street-light-lit-up evening. Full of thoughts from my day: mostly antsy, fairly heart-achey thoughts. Thoughts I don't need to have, but I do. Thoughts about if that was the last time I'd be pregnant or not. (We haven't put a number on how many, so I don't know why I'm fixated.) There are moments where I can't fathom being done, and there are moments where I long for a little more adult-ness in my life and I don't know how to add in another baby.
I hate that if, that was the last time I was pregnant, I spent the entire pregnancy worried, overwhelmed and crying. I know I could not have done any better, I gave it my all. That was just how I felt facing everything. But I just hate the thought of that being the way I go out.
I keep telling myself, I have a two month old, why am I thinking any of this yet? But I am.

Weigh-in #3 and a Long Ramble (Forgive me, I don't get much Grownup Conversation)

*Disclaimer: I think this subject matter, in all its taboo-ness, can be uncomfortable. I just want to say anything I write here is just about me, its not about anyone else, and I don't expect it to be applicable to anyone else. And I do drone on and on here, but sometimes I just want to voice the thoughts in my head, and I don't have many people to talk to over the age of two. So here it is. And If it's annoying, feel free to not read it.
____________________________

Sad times, I'm embarrassed.
Guess that's the whole point of me making myself blog this -- so I can't just sweep it under the rug.

I just thought I should say...

Not everyone struggles after a c-section.

I don't know... I just thought I should throw that out there, after all my endlessness.

You aren't messed up, if you aren't messed up from a c-section.

But if you do feel sad, you're not messed up either.


*I didn't write this because anyone yelled at me {or typed at me}. It just occurred to me to say it.

Emotional Recovery From A Cesarean

So, I've decided that I did/do indeed have some real actual post traumatic stress from my c-section. I know I mentioned the thought before, but I never really looked into what post traumatic stress is.
I decided to look it up last night, and was surprised to see how much of it fit me.

So then I tried to look up some stuff that might help me, since surprisingly {to me} a VBAC did very little in the way of removing the first birth trauma. (And I think its coming out in weird new ways lately.)

I was really hoping to find some sort of Christian perspective on the whole issue* -- no luck there -- maybe someday {when I figure some more out} I can have some sort of impact in that area for other women.
*If you know of any such resource please let me know! 

But during my search I did come across the most comprehensive thing I've ever seen on Emotional Recovery From A Cesarean.
I cried through a lot of it.
Its VERY insightful.
And its the most helpful thing I've found to date.
{However it doesn't event hint at the stage I'm in...post VBAC, still struggling.}

If you have anything you want to work through in regards to a c-section (yours or a loved one's)
this page is amazing. (It's super duper long --  because like I said its the most comprehensive thing I've ever seen on Emotional Recovery From A Cesarean.)

Check it out Here.

Weigh-in #2 (And some life-stuff)

8 Weeks Postpartum

 Time to Report!

I did terrible!
I didn't even try!
This is the walk of shame.
lol