This last and final post of the day (I think!) is just going to be me rambling all the things I've thought about posting this week (but had no time to.)
(Wow now that I have a toddler and a baby, when it's just me and the baby I can't believe how simple it is!)
Ok, so in the order they come to mind (before this nap ends), here I go:
Thought #1:
Saturday morning Blake and I had planned that I could go shopping and take Baby A, while he hung out with J. (I had some Kohl's cash, and the "need" for new clothes.)
So on my drive down to Kohl's (the closest Kolh's is down the expressway 30 mins) I spent the time thinking about how sane I feel. I just plain do not have the anxiety that I had after J was born.
I couldn't really figure out why.
I thought maybe it was first time mommy-ness.
I thought maybe it was the stress of my unexpected c-section.
And really it was probably those,
but...
As I got out J's baby calendar to see the monthly questions, I started to read it.
And I realized, that
WOW, I had a lot of stress going on right off the bat.
And this time, is seriously way more relaxed.
Hence I feel more relaxed.
With J, I spent so much time at the doctor (and or hospital) after she was born.
First I had the whole 10 day wait for my milk to come in. So we had to keep going back and getting her weighed to see what to I could do in regards to bottles and boobs.
Then she continued to stay Jaundice for an entire month, so we had to get a sonogram of her liver. Then we had to go see a specialist. Then we had to bottle feed for a week to try and figure out her liver numbers (and she had some thyroid number weird in there too.) And then we had to keep going in for heal pricks witch turned into arm-blood-draws when she was too old for heal pricks. And initially when we had the liver concern, we had to get her to pee in a bag to check on some stuff via that route. (You have to wipe her down with iodine wipes and then stick a pee bag on with a sticker sort of thing. There were all these rules about how to not contaminate it. It was crazy.) I mean I had been a mom for 4 weeks and here I am doing medical procedures (I'm not emotionally good at that kind of thing normally... add in postpartum hormones! FUN!)
And I of course had my 2 week postpartum check up for my incision. Then my 6 week for the regular had-a-baby check up.
So I felt like I was always at the doctor.
I so felt really really protective of J with all that going on.
I still do.
But that's because later on we figured out she had food allergies.
So I just get mommy-heart-racing a lot making sure I keep her well.
I figured that level of intensity I felt was just the fact of being a mom.
But I wasn't feeling those feelings for Baby A.
This time, with Baby A, so far none of that stuff has been a concern.
My milk came in about 3 days.
She never looked jaundice.
No liver worries then.
No 2 week check up for me.
And I just found out I don't even need to do a 6 week check up. (Unless I had concerns.)
So I am like just floating on easy street this time.
When I realized this I felt a lot better,
because I was starting to worry like,
"Why I am not caring as deeply for Baby A as I did for J?"
But then I realized I wasn't not-caring, I just had a lot more emotions last time, and a lot more issues. So this time I am just more relaxed and that's not saying anything about my love for Baby A.
Thought #2:
I have these deep, deep feelings in me right now, that just have no way out.
I don't really know what they are.
I can't say them with words.
I can't draw them with pictures.
Singing songs is the closest thing,
but they aren't it either.
Its like I want to reach down into my heart, pull out paint, and smear it around like fingerpaints. Feel its texture. Move the colors. Across me. Across people.
I want to be able to take this heart and convey it.
And it aches.
Not in a sad way,
although it feels sad not to be able to do it,
but in a yearning way.
I'm constantly yearning anymore.
But some times,
when I have a conversation
{When a lady comes up to me in the store and talks to my baby,
then asks me "How was the delivery? Did she come out easy?"
And I say, guardedly, unable to convey the depth of the journey I've been on, "Yes, we had a nice natural birth. My first was a c-section, and so this time was much easier and recovery much better."
And she responds by telling me the stories of her births, two natural and then a c-section.
And we know what each other are talking about.}
I feel like it happened.
My finger paints were used.
And for that day, the ache is removed.
Thought #3:
Wow, I thought I'd be "normal" by now.
I thought after my VBAC I'd be good to go.
Nope.
Messy.
I'm not even sure where to go with my messy thoughts.
Like which messy way to turn.
I keep wondering...
How do the Olympians feel when they get home.
Do they feel this dull ache? This sense of "Now what?"
Do they feel un-relatable? Do people say consolations that are not consoling?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Do they spend all their time eating ice-cream because now they can. But then feeling like "Seriously I need to stop it," but then not stop it?
Do they all of a sudden feel like they need a new "thing": a new job, hobby, skill? To master something else?
Do they feel lonely?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe just sometimes.
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