I will very briefly, just because I’d probably be irritated later to not have it.
The start of the week was ok.
I didn’t feel too sick. (Mind you, I always feel somewhat sick.) I was able to get my emotions down to an "in denial zombie" status. (As you may recall the week before I ended by being in emotional badlands. I wanted to be done being pregnant. I didn’t feel up to labor.)
I didn’t nest. I just tried to like, do laundry. (But I’m not sure I did?)
Then half way through the week I wound up back in a depressed state. I just cannot mentally process my existence any longer.
One day I gave the pump a whirl for an hour and got some contractions going for the afternoon. But clearly no baby arrival.
Friday mid-day I had some crazy intense nausea. It was basically the same as my terrible motion sickness event. Only I hadn’t left the house all day. And while I felt every single bit as sick and terrible, I didn’t throw up.
This terrible nausea proceeded to give me false labor.
Now. Here’s where you MUST not misunderstand me. At that moment, the last thing on the planet I wanted to be was in labor. This was not like an “aaww poor me, haven’t had the baby yet” moment. This was a “DEAR LORD GOD, DO NOT LET ME DIE!” moment. I have never felt so out of control in my life. (Let’s review -- I’ve had one induction -- over the duration of 12 hours, including 2 hours of purple-pushing, followed by a c-section. And I’ve had one natural, no meds, labor and delivery.) This false labor event was scarier than either of those prior births.
I’m not going to write it out. (Well actually I have. Twice. But it just sends me into rants. And as of right now, it will scare my close ones too much. And some people will still think “it’s normal” no matter how hard to try to explain that is very, very not normal.)
To sum up, I haven’t stopped crying since then.
I felt utterly worn out physically. I won’t try to convey how much -- I will just say completely, and you will just have to believe me that I actually mean that literally.
Thinking about labor while being this sick is really hard.
Hearing “you are strong enough” while I don’t feel strong enough to walk makes me feel less strong.
My “real” portrait. My face falling off from tears.
- Please pray for a physical recovery of my body right now. Please pray my muscles stop hurting, especially in my abdomen --- so they will be equipped for labor. (That sickness attack made me feel like I had been punched in the gut for hours, it hurt my belly a lot just to walk after that.) Please pray that I won’t be in physical pain (of sickness) while my body goes into labor. Please pray for enough energy to function like a “normal pregnant person” from now until labor so that I don’t live in fear and terror of labor on top of illness.
- Pray that I can close out my emotions (now and especially in labor) because the only emotions I have left are very, very bad ones.
- Please pray for a good labor and delivery. Simple, easy, quick. I know it sounds vain or selfish to some when that is requested. But I’m telling you, I've feel worse during this pregnancy than after either of my other two deliveries and I haven’t delivered yet. It’s like I’ve been in labor for 9 months already. I need simple, easy and quick just to be able to make it through.
- Pray that I get an extra dose (or a million) of strength and courage when labor sets in.
- Pray for perfect timing for labor to set in. I actually have no idea what that means anymore. I’d love nothing more than to close the deal on this pregnancy NOW. But I also know I need time to prepare physically and emotionally. But Oh Sweet Lord PLEASE don’t give me 42 weeks this time.
- Also, I’ve made some decisions on how to handle this birth based on how the last one went. (Stuff like Blake was such a great help, I didn’t really wind up using my doula last time -- So I haven’t hired one this time. Etc.) Please pray I don’t regret these choices, since this pregnancy is basically nothing like the last one.
- And a P.S. Request: Pray that I bond with the baby. This pregnancy has just felt like terminal illness. And I haven’t really been able to process the fact that I’m having a baby. I’m kinda nervous about the transition.
*One stipulation* If you don’t want to pray this prayer request list, please just excuse yourself. Please don’t pray half of the list. Please don’t pray with “extra just in case”s based on what you think is possible. I need you to pray this list. If you don’t want to, please don’t at all.
I’ve pretty much run out of faith as a whole. So I’m just asking people to stand in my stead with these. I’m not asking because I’d “like” this stuff. I’m asking because I’m desperate and need this.