21 Weeks Pregnant

Still nauseous.

I wrote a really whiney blog post yesterday, but today I’m gonna attempt to write a more palatable one to actually publish. (But to be truthful, it’s still involves whiney sounding things -- this pregnancy is rough, there’s no way around it.)

It was super hard to feel real taking pictures -- my face didn’t want to smile

But I guess that’s just the short of it: I’m unpalatable. I’m getting to the point where this is just too long to feel sick - like clearly for me, yes, this is too long -- I’d love to be over it. But I’m also getting to the point where, if we aren’t really on friendship level, it’s just annoying to talk about. Acquaintances, when they ask if I am feeling any better, have started giving me a look of such confusion, they seem to be weighing out if I could be lying about all this.  It’s getting to the point where there’s not much left to say about it in passing conversation. It’s starting to feel like I should avoid conversation.

It’s hard to not feel alone lately. I don’t bother leaving the house, pretty much ever, because when you combine how bad I feel, with how freakishly cold it is outside, I just don’t see it being worth it. When I do get to church, I end up feeling lame because I keep getting invited to things that would “un-alone” me. Only problem is, I can’t physically make it to these things. Most of them are at night -- which is when I am incapacitated. And I get motion sickness in the car with this pregnancy, so I can’t add that to the mix and hope to be functional when I arrive. It helps my motion sickness if I drive, but if something is further than 20 mins away,  it’s too far from me to make it. Church is 20 mins away from us, and that’s just about as long as I can stand being in the car before I really make myself sick, and that’s during the day. I can’t do it at night.
But people keep trying to cheer me up and invite us to things, and I have started to feel as if I sound like a liar as I continually excuse myself from everything. But I seriously just can’t do it. So it’s starting to feel burdensome to be around people, because I don’t know how to sound sane anymore.

The alone thing is weird too. Because I don’t like feeling so alone. But normally I don’t like spending time with anyone when I am sick -- like with the flu, ya know? So it feels “right” to be alone. But it feels lonely when you do this for this long.

Anyway, suffice to say I get really sad lately and it’s hard to figure out anything to cheer up. I ponder the line in “The Princess Bride” : “If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.”

Speaking of health.
Working out has not been happening, because elevating my heart rate somehow increases my nausea. But I have been really worried that I won’t be up to the task of labor this time if I just atrophy through this pregnancy. So I remembered this DVD from the library I’d seen a long time ago. And grabbed it and gave it a whirl. And it turned out to be just right.
It doesn’t elevate your heart rate much at all. But it does feel like it will keep my muscles up-to-labor demands. Which at this point is all I can ask for. If anyone else is having a hard pregnancy, but still wants to try and do some sort of workout, I’d very much recommend this one. (You can find it on ebay or used on Amazon for cheap,  -- I went ahead and bought my own copy for $4.00 + free shipping, so I wouldn’t have to keep renewing it from the library.) If you want a “good” workout, don’t bother with this. (This wouldn’t have cut it for me during my second pregnancy.) But if you are in my current boat, I’d say it’s not a bad idea. I even noticed that my body aches went down after it -- from the stretching involved. And that’s a great thing since I already ache like I’m over-due. (This pregnancy is 80 levels of hard.)
So I’m gonna try and do that workout often -- but I honestly am not sure if I’ll do that. I want to.
I want to do so much in my head. My brain feels like doing all the things. My body feels like decomposing.

This is how I look most of the time. Like a hot mess.

So yeah, one thing I am getting out of all this is a DEEP appreciation of my health. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to take it for granted anymore. And I know that I am very much looking forward to the days when I can work out again, and can eat (or even look at) good-for-me food again (without the sensation of death afterwards.) I know it’s gonna be hard to juggle three kids and looking after my body -- but I’m really looking forward to it. I am so tired of feeling sick.
I am fairly sure I’m going to gain a lot of weight with this pregnancy -- so I’m just looking forward to my triumphant return afterwards. I’m fairly sure hard work will feel like a vacation after this. At least I hope. I mean this sensation has to go away after pregnancy right? (I mean, after the initial “Woah just had a baby” part.)


Anyway,
Good things to say:

The baby is moving more and more. And that makes me happy. That’s really the only nice sensation my body has. I am kinda always hoping the baby will move. It takes my mind off the sick-feeling for a tiny bit. So I’m happy this baby seems to like to move on and off through the day and evening (I have no idea about at night -- I’m out cold.)

I remember Jasmine would move a ton for one day, and then sleep pretty much through the whole next day. Repeat.
Ruby seemed to have wild times, but way more quite times. (And I think she moved the most at night while I was asleep.)
I love thinking about how that shows their personalities -- so cool.


My family has been great.

My girls have been really patient with me, despite them being 2 and 4. And they are learning how to be creative on their own, and they are playing more and more with each other, and they are getting more and more independent.

They love to play make believe with each other now -- it’s really cute. Their newest game is turning into mermaids via magic sparkles.

Blake has been amazing. He feels so bad for me that I am so sick. I think he feels like it’s his fault. But this isn’t anyone’s fault -- it’s just some weird part of life. And he’s been the only thing that has kept me going through this. He has picked up all my slack. He is amazing. I am constantly impressed with his ability to selflessly do so much around the house, and with the girls, as soon as he gets home from a long day of work, and up until the last minute before he leaves. He bought 99% of our groceries since I got pregnant this time. He feeds the girls at night when I can’t function anymore. He puts them to bed. He makes them breakfast. I don’t know how to tell him how much that all means to me. I don’t think I’m good at that kind of expressing. But I hope he knows it’s the best thing in the world to me.

For Valentines he got me a heart shaped cookie sandwich with a sea of frosting inside it. That took me two days to eat because it was SO MUCH SUGAR! But it was awesome.

And he also got me this adorable huge cookie because he said I’m strong. :) This guy knows the way to my heart -- who needs flowers or jewelry when you can have adorable delicious cookies?... Perfection. (This cookie has still yet to be fully consumed by both of us.) 

I know, these are great for my health -- but whatever. Love is love, ya know. :)

And my mom has come to help me throughout this pregnancy and she always picks up so much mess we let grow around here. And makes the girls so happy.



Outside of pregnancy…

 I don’t think I’ve gotten anything done at all this week. At a snails pace I am working on the family room. I took like two days to cut out these paper shapes to plan the family room walls.

And I don’t know when I will get the real things on the wall. I’m still revising the layout. But even still, I’m just so glued to the couch.

I will say I like the walls more with paper shapes on them than bare. So that must mean we are going in the right direction.

P.S. Having hit 22 weeks, I now say I’m half way -- as my first two hung out till 42 weeks.
In some ways I can’t believe I’ve already been pregnant this long-- but honestly I’m having a hard time imagining staying pregnant that much longer. Please pray my body starts to feel better soon. This is very very hard.

See the fake strain of a smile?

Comparisons:

Last week to this -- hoping I’m gonna hang out around this size for a while, since I already feel huge.

  

This time to last times: