Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

(This post ins’t about being vain….it’s about coffee dreams….or well, something like that.)

I really don’t post much about our food stuff. And by food stuff I mean, food allergies, and the way that effects and affects us. (I’m no grammar gal, but I do think both words apply here.)

I don’t post much about it because I don’t feel like I’m on top of it. Both in how to handle it practically as well as emotionally. For me, and for my family, and for the people who interact with us.

We are getting by. We are nourished. My kids seem well adjusted to me. I don’t think I’ve offended anyone too intensely with my mother reflexes. (Accept for my parents that one day I was losin it out of utter terror. Sorry.)

But its really hard. 
I feel it’s difficulty so strongly, and so heavily. And that’s really why I don’t blog about it (or talk about it with people I’m not close to). Some emotions I’m ok with working out. And others I do better by trying not to look at, because they paralyze me. 
Food is everywhere. And to have friends is to spend time around food. When some foods are essentially poison for your children {for whom you’d momma bear anything, that needed it, to death no problem} its really hard to be in social situations because the momma bear hormones don’t stop. I really hardly hear words spoken around me in rooms that aren’t ours, because they usually have food in them. And I have small kids -- and you know how small kids touch everything and anything goes in the mouth. Imagine having a calm sane conversation with people, while your small children play in the middle of rat poison decorated to look awesome, but no one else knows the poison is there.

It’s hard.
And people do try. I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. 
But food is so complicated these days. 
No one knows what any one else is really talking about unless they are part of the same "food club.”  I know I wouldn’t know what to do for them if I wasn’t inside this life I live.
So I never really know if anyone will really keep my kids from the right foods. Sometimes people wrongly assume more foods are ok for them, than really are. Or occasionally people have tried to tell me it’s not so hard as it sounds. (Maybe not for them, but for me this is hard.)

Add in that they are allergic to most pets -- and so many people have pets -- its just really hard to do stuff with people.

It’s been a bit overwhelming to me since moving. In Iowa were were fairly isolated, which I didn’t like, but it did make it easier for allergy stuff. Here we’ve been trying to do stuff with people, and it’s sending my stress level off the charts. (I had no idea how strong the mommy need to protect would be in me till I was a momma. It’s heart crushing.)

And don’t get me started thinking about sending them to school….I nearly go into a real panic attack worrying.

I don’t like looking the way I feel in any of those moments I’ve mentioned (because if I showed you on the outside: my head would spin around, with steam coming out of my ears, while I run around scream-crying) (ask my parents, I did do that once -- it wasn’t pretty) so…. I try to just look normal, when I want to weep in public. Or I just try to not talk about it, in general. That’s just the easiest go-to.

I didn’t mean to go there.
And I don’t mean to write about this much at all in the future on here. (At least that’s how I feel now.)

But what I was starting to say is this.

I think we are adding in a new level of food stuff.

We just found out that Blake’s dad and oldest sister have Celiac Disease. That’s the one where you can’t eat gluten (its in wheat and things like that.)
That’s not an allergy. That’s a disease.
My girls aren’t allergic to wheat.
But Celiac tends to run in families.
And if they have it, they cant have gluten.
Blake think’s he may have it. If he does, that up’s the likelihood of my girls having it too.
You test for it with a blood test or a colon something (which I’m assuming is no fun at all.)

So our current plan is to test Blake for it in the nearish future.
And for now to just take out gluten from the girls diet for a while and see if their eczema clears up. I’m just not up for testing them now. Jasmine’s gone through enough blood tests and allergies tests for now.  (She got poked so much as a baby she started not crying during blood tests….that hasn’t lasted into this age -- crying galore these days.)
And the thing is, if we were to test them, and if it comes back negative for Celiac you are supposed to keep testing because you could develop it at any time. (Something this momma loved reading.)
So we figure least invasive thing for now is take out gluten, and if their skin gets better assume they shouldn’t have gluten, and be pretty sure its Celiac. Keep out gluten, and confirm it medically later.
If nothing changes, get them tested for it later on.

I crawled into a dark mommy hole for two days after learning this celiac stuff. I didn’t see how I was gonna take out more foods from their diet. They can’t go Paleo -- its FULL of nuts --- which they can’t have. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to find things to feed them. And I wasn’t sure I could add any more weight onto my heart.

I called my dad on the second day of my hole-living and asked him to pray. He encouraged me that I was strong enough, smart enough and determined enough to do this no problem. I asked a couple other friends to be praying for me.

And then the afternoon of the third day this verse popped in my head. (Well part of it -- I had to look it up to finish it.) 
"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Cor 4:16-18

It felt just right. Sometimes a verse can come across heavy handed. But in the moment this was so uplifting to me. I really did feel I could call this a light momentary affliction. I mean its hard yeah -- but take the big picture view, against forever. 

I want to help my girls be as "whole" of people as possible.
I feel this verse is gonna be key against our food fights.

I decided soon after that I could really quite easily take out gluten from their diets. (Easy being a relative thing.) Because they dont really like many foods with wheat in them. And the few they do I can figure out a gluten free replacement. Thank you Jesus they love rice so much!

I also decided that for at least a month Im only going to eat what they can eat. So far Blake and I have eaten anything we can eat, and have given them safe foods. But I figure if I really wanna get good at feeding them, Im gonna have to only eat what they can eat. When I thought about it I relized Im gonna want good foods. I dont feel the need for creating their meals in a normal way as much when I can eat normal foods myself. While Im eating only what they can eat Im not gonna want to starve or live on rice alone. (Dont get me wrong. Thats not all they eat -- but they sure do eat a lot of it.) So Ive been using up the non-allergy friendly stuff in my fridge that is there, and as it disappears Im adapting to an allergy safe diet.

In some ways Im excited. 
Somehow the added pressure makes it more like a game and less like terror.
I think Im gonna get really good at it.
(Im also kinda hoping to lose a couple pounds in the process -- Ive hovered above my previous pre-pregnancy weight for like a half a year now, since hitting it, then abandoning it, because Ive been too into cookies to care. Itd be good to get back in shape.)

But in other ways Im not excited at all.
Like -- yeah -- I have to cook! Every day. Sometimes stuff Ive never cooked before.
(Some days I love cooking,  some days Im way too tired to do it. And I have SOOO much to do around here -- add in learn all this and make it worksheesh.)

Yesterday I used up the last of my half-and-half for my coffee.
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee.
Today was my first day of black coffee.
Surprisingly (or not at all) I am actually tired enough to not really even care.

Wish me luck and send me prayers for our continuing adventures.

1 comment:

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