Monday, June 24, 2013

'nother little update

Just thought I'd take this naptime to say,

Thanks again for praying for me.
This year's pre-birthday and actual birthday has gone much, much better emotionally for me.

The days leading up to the birthday went great.  But the day before had some hiccups. Less flashing back, and more flashing forward. Worrying about potential future birthing processes. I'm not sure where I'll live if we have more kids, and I started freaking out about leaving my extremely beloved midwife here. I started worrying about my emotional stability during a potential hospital birth. (There was a time when I was pregnant with Ruby (my 2nd) and I was near the wing where I had Jasmine, and my body just kinda lost it. Shaky and a bit dizzy. I'm not sure how I'd handle labor with all those machines and wires hooked to me -- which is usually the standard treatment of VBACers. And the sights and smells. and. and. and.) I started to get a little dizzy just thinking about it. Which lead me to a mental stream of regrets.
I took a walk and prayed and did feel a lot better after that.

The next day, the actual birthday. It went as well as I could have hoped. I just felt a bit heavy. But pretty functional.

I still really hate that Jasmine's happy day is my hard day. It makes me feel so guilty.

Hard-day-anniversaries are something I'd witnessed a lot in my life, but not something I grasped until I had one. Its not something I work myself up towards having. Its something that just kinda settles down on me without any actual mental process towards it. Its like a place that exists on a day, and you don't really get a say on if you'd rather not go there.

But I'm pleased that its gotten easier.

I do wanna show you some pictures from the day.
Especially some of a little tricycle Blake and I made over for Jasmine. :)
I'll post those soon.

Thanks again for helping uphold me during my tough days.

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