Friday, August 25, 2017

Where I've been, Where I am

Thank you each for your responses.

I’ve been really very busy this month: Starting school (teaching two at home this year -- first time for me), Blake and my 10 year wedding anniversary (!!WHAT?!?) , traveling to see the total solar eclipse in totallity (that was one of the MOST amazing things I have ever experienced!) 
Just saw this Eclipse! Super sweaty and sandy because Bronny fell in the  river bank while throwing sticks.
, house projects, and now prepping to host a lady’s get together coming right up.

But, as I’ve been up to those things, I’ve really been mulling over your responses, and my own feelings about the blog.

I think the single biggest issue for me has been that sharing grief thoughts on the blog, has not the same as sharing other vulnerable issues on the blog. Mainly I think, because well--- the other issues I’ve shared, while they made bleed through to other people’s lives, were/are mainly just my own personal things to deal with. But grief belongs to anyone who cared about the person who is gone.
     Something I didn’t anticipate about grief was the concept of people’s response to my response. It’s at a different level than normal events. And I haven’t been equipped to manage that. So I decided to grieve offline. And that’s been really healthy.
   In pulling back there, I found more connection to people in person. And that’s been wonderful.
    And in pulling back in one area of my online persona, I found myself realizing that I’m not really equipped to manage people’s response to much of anything I put online, so I found myself wanting to pull back in many areas to a more offline life. (If you are Facebook friends of my personal page, or follow my Instagram account, I’m sure you have noted a very steep decline in my posts.)
     And when I did that I felt so very free, and so much happier. And so much more alive. Because I was living; not living to have something to post. I stopped having so many over-analyzing thoughts. I stopped watching my kids for things I can post about -- I just started being with them, and liking what I like because I liked it (or feeling free to dislike something without maneuvering anyone’s response to that -- no figuring out how to get camaraderie comments or bolstering myself to withstand the “it goes so fast” internet speach.) I stopped wondering if I was wrong so often; because I wasn't thinking about how someone else would think about what I was doing. I started relaxing. I started enjoying.
(Clarity disclaimer -- I don’t mean I’m operating this way at 100% by any means -- just that it’s improving. And it all didn’t happen overnight -- I’ve been pulled back for quite some time now. It’s been a slow build, but one that I am very happy with.)

That freedom really got into my veins and it’s been hard to decide how to proceed with anything online.
I really love blogging. So I’m not writing a goodbye post right now. I’m just writing an explanation of where I am at.
I love that you guys feel connected to me, and that we are friends, and we care about each other. And I’m sorry if it leaves you out -- the way I am working through this stuff. But I’m sure you can be glad for the progress I am making.

As I mull over the blog I keep coming back to the fact that I have been very real with it, and I think that’s why you are here. And so it’s been hard... the fact that my current real is much more pulled back.  Because that feels less real. But as I type to day I’m realizing that this quiet is actually very authentic and even a form of vulnerability.

I think that’s really all that’s been holding me back -- is my own lack of seeing my quietness as a form of authenticity, and another way of being vulnerable and real -- because overarchingly, I am a quiet person. I have lots and lots of thoughts, but generally, I mull them over inside and I’m not always ready to say them in tons of situations. And it’s taken me YEARS to lean into the idea that, my quietness isn’t wrong, or bad, or offensive, or…or…or…
That’s it’s a very ok part of how I am made.

So as for the blog...I think I just have to come to terms with that. And be ok with it myself. That it’s been a quiet time for even this “less quiet looking” space of mine. And not let that freak me out and stop me from saying ANYTHING. Because I have things still to say. I may just need some time before I say them.

But that said -- I have a bunch of things to say coming up. I have to find time to say it -- or take pictures of it. Like I said -- I’m working on my new normal in our day to day lives (homeschooling two and a two year old needs to be kept busy durning that!) So as I get settled and used to life again I’ll start showing and telling again.

Thanks for liking who I am guys! No matter which random direction(s) I’ve taken this blog. Thanks for sticking with me.


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