Getting Somewhere

I got the sunroom primed! 

That feels big. It was a sweaty Saturday a week ago. (No A/C in that room + hot day + physical activity.) It took me most the day while Blake hung out with the kids. (Not counting the nursing/nap breaks for Baby Bronson.)

As I expected, per my usual, I started getting used to the white and for a while was having a hard time letting go of it, and leaning into my initial instincts of an earthy cozy (but not sad, but also not too cheerful either -- something soothing) color in the green/greige arena.

So after being around it white long enough now, I’m starting to say “Yeah it’s nice but not what I really want.” So now I’m looking at lots of swatches again. (But believe me when I say, I keep wavering like “Do I really NOT want white? Is that true?”) Either way this is just primer, it still needs paint of some color.

We need to put up the ceiling bead board and faux beams. Get two fans with lights. And a new door (the one in there now is really warped and rotted at the sides and top -- it’s not a good seal at all.)

And I also think I might get the couch in there before I pick my paint color.  I don’t want them to fight (and for me to have to paint that room twice.)

So I’m not sure when the room will be done, done. But it feels usable-ish now.

Actually we hosted a little low key birthday party with some friends in there (and the back yard) this past weekend and it was really nice to use the space.

In other news. 

Quite by surprise, our front yard all of a sudden feels like a nice place.

It’s really strange actually.

I had kept telling myself I didn’t need to work on it yet, that it wasn’t going to be nice this year still. That I’d just let that happen later when I wasn’t so wrapped up in life and other projects.

But just those tiny movements I’ve been making here and there when I can make myself, all of a sudden added up to “Wait! This is looking nice. Like really nice!” 

Then Blake’s mom came over and helped with our little flower area one morning and Blake spread out some mulch and we were both like “Wow what a nice yard.”

So then I was like “Hey lets get some furniture for the front porch it feels really bare and boring.”

It’s not a deep porch AT ALL and I didn’t want anything that would make it hard to walk across.

Big Lots had this cute petite set that I decided was just the thing.

There’s still tons of stuff to actually work on (see peeling paint on porch posts for one example.)

But none of that seems to matter right now.

We’ve made some really lovely progress without knowing it this year.

The girls were SO thrilled by this set. Jasmine asked to have (and had) breakfast out there the first full day of ownership. It was so cute.

Well once we got that in place it was like a magical fairy had just sprinkled pixie dust all over the yard and declared it good.

I’m still in denial. Every day I go outside and look at things and think “Wow, how did this happen? Is this real life?"

Because, you will remember we started here.

And before we bought it, the house was here!

Hiding behind EXTREMELY overgrown everything (but grass.)

And it’s taken 2.5 years to get on top of it.

Slowly.

 Very Slowly.

LOTS of door-to-door people came to our door asking if they could (heavily implying should) help us. This yard was crazy looking for a while.

We left the mess for weeks to months as we could get to it. But I knew it was going to get better!

We started putting in something, anything (these were transplanted hostas from our old house we are renting out now) (They looked really pathetic that year)... and well, we just kept going. 

We watered what was weak.

 We had to take out the dead things.

 We were left to appreciate the small things.

We found a rose we had no idea we would have.

And when I “stopped to smell it” (literally) I was bowled over by beauty.

Sometimes you know something is going to be nice, but then it’s just so tangibly delightful it makes you weak. And it can happen right in the middle of really really horrendous messes.

And then we just had to wait, and take care of it as best as we could.

 Fall and Winter bring no hope, show no progress. 

And you just have to hang on until spring. 

Sometimes you drag ourself out there and do things that feel too small to matter.

Sometimes it doesn’t look very nice. Sometimes it looks like you made things ugly in the middle of it.

Sometimes you think you hurt something so bad it will die, when you move it to a new place. But you do the best you can with what you have, and what you know, and you just keep watering it and hoping.

 And then….

it blooms.

And you think, what did I do to deserve this?

Because even though you know you did LOTS and LOTS of work. 

It’s bigger than your work.

It’s entirely more lovely than you ever could have made it.

The real power isn’t in what we did. It’s just in creation.

It’s just the beauty that comes in waiting.

It’s God’s fingerprints in life.

And it’s so cool He lets us participate in it, and add what we enjoy.

But it’s really Him making all things new.

Looking out my window every day is a blessing,

because I know know what used to be out there.

And it gives me hope.

Because this post is about WAY more than my front yard.

It’s about everything.

Me, personally -- I’m not as far ahead as my yard is.

I’m still in the before photos.

My heart and my hands are in the before.

And I’m going to relax (as best as an often-anxiety-ridden-person can) into the process of being made new.

(Once we got that table set -- we couldn’t resist a bench to complete the whole porch)

I’m leaning into this process.

Into -- 

Putting in something, anything -- whatever I have, when I have it, even if it looks too small to matter… and leaning into how I need to just kept going even if it looks pathetic. 

I’m leaning into watering the weak and taking out the dead things.

I’m leaning into appreciating the small things right in the middle of a really, really horrendous mess.

I’m leaning into waiting and taking care of it as best as I can.

I’m embracing that Fall and Winter bring no hope, show no progress. 

And I’m going to hang on for dear life until Spring.

And I’m going to drag myself out there and do all the tiny insignificant things that up to big things (that seem invisible for ages.) 

And trust that transplanting something is a stress, is scary and risky, but is possible, and good. 

And trust that digging holes isn’t wrong or actually making messes, it’s allowing for wonderful new growth.

I’ve started going to counseling.

I’ve been through a lot of hard things for a long time, and I just wasn’t up to processing it alone anymore.

It’s so good. And so helpful.

I seriously think anyone would benefit from counseling.

(By the way insurance (In America -- I can’t speak for elsewhere), is required to cover mental health -- many counselors are covered by insurance plans. If not, they often have siding pay scales. If you want to see someone please look into this aspect and don’t let the idea of price deter you, until you know the actual facts. It might not cost what you thought it would.)

I am SO GLAD I started going. I could not have processed stuff right now without it.

But part of what me and my counselor have to do is go through my thoughts and find what’s misinformed and detrimental and pull it out.

So currently my head looks about like this:

It’s not real pretty.

It’s NO WHERE near complete. It’s barely started so it’s just really, really messy.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s unnerving.

But it’s also really, really relieving to start pulling out the nasty stuff.

It actually is a lot like when those dead bushes got removed from in front of our porch. 

By the time we got to them, I didn’t even know if I wanted them gone. They were SO bad --- so ugly, so dead, so obtrusive --- and when we bought the house I knew that, but by the time we were ready to pull them I had gotten used to them and felt sad to see them go. The first few days with them gone the view out my window looked bad to me, not refreshing. 

I felt really baffled as to why we did this. I felt some grief about it all. AND the yard looked like crap. And now there was TONS more work to do.

Anytime I saw my house it looked naked and wrong.

I’m feeling all those things right now about my head and me.

But it’s not because I’m bad. 

It’s because I’m pulling out dysfunctional things I had gotten really used to and thought were foundational.

I’ll tell you, removing something foundational is disorienting.

I’ll tell you I have a hard time being at church, and things like that right now, because I don’t feel like I have legs to stand on yet. It’s hard watching my thoughts inside interactions from a new perspective and seeing how unhealthy they have been, but not having my skills in place yet to do much about it currently.

BUT

I also have these new moments I’ve never had before --

Usually for a couple hours after leaving counseling.

(For just about that long, right now, I can stay free)

And it’s marvelous.

It’s a kind of mental clarity that physically makes me feel lighter -- Light like a feather sometimes.

 I had one day where my legs seriously felt like when you leave the roller rink (as a kid) and after all those hours of heavy skates on your legs, when you take them off you feel like they might float right out from under you, like they are filled with helium. I felt that light one time after counseling. I hardly knew how to stand the good. I thought I might float away.

And I can have moments of clarity so clear that my skin actually has more ability to feel.

I took a walk and sat on a bench and just sat there, and my skin worshiped --

I was still and knew He is God.

I could feel creation in a way I’ve never been clear enough to do before.

Touching the air, just being alive, was so raw and real I felt it in an overpoweringly good way.

It was thrilling.

And then….

 I'll go back to disoriented later.

I can be so disoriented sometimes I actually have to sit down because everything feels like it’s spinning.

I’ll tell you that grief messes with WAY more than I thought it did.

It messes with EVERYTHING.

(And I still have all the other hard things floating around too.)

But those thrilling freedom/God’s love, memories propel me forward.

And my yard tells me a story,

that you can start with a mess and end up somewhere really, really lovely; sometimes it comes so slow you forget what you’re doing and then the beauty can just sneak right up on you.

And yeah, I have to put in work to get there.

But God’s hand is the moving power.

I don’t make those plants grow. I just tend to them.

And that’s really comforting to know too.

So yeah…

with all that going on… 

I’m SO unsure of how, and what, and when, to blog.

I want to be real with you,

but I very am busy tearing out deep roots.

And while I do it, I keep on painting the sunroom and rearranging furniture.

So I’m gonna try to walk the balance beam of blogging life.
But I’ll probably err on the side of just showing projects for a bit (when I have the chance to blog) just because I don’t knowwhat I’m doing inside me yet.
So please know, if I do just start showing you small and surface-y stuff, I’m not trying to look like I have things together. I DO NOT.

I just am trying to keep my head on straight for now. 

I also want to tell you Thank you again for any and all encouraging words you have shared with me.

I carry them like smelling salts.

When I get faint, I will pull out your kind words to revive me.

"I don’t feel brave, but people who read my messy words about my messy life, told me I’m brave --- so I must be brave... so then… I think can do this.”

One of you told me I was optimistic. I’ve never been so amazed -- I feel just the opposite -- but when you told me that I was able to see how I do persevere, and I was then able to appreciate that about myself. So now when I feel overwhelmed I can tell myself, see you really are optomistic, not a messy depression hole. And that really does make a big difference inside me.

You guys told me you are cheering for me and want to see me get on my feet, so I know I have love behind me.

I’m not sure you’ll know what that means to me.

So thank you again!

And always.

Catching Up: Lots of Traveling and Some Life Stuff

Hey Guys! I hope no one was worrying about me again with my mini absence there.

We’ve been like a family traveling band these past two weeks. (Well, minus the music part.)

A LOT of traveling.

I don’t have TONS Of time for writing -- so this will be a bullet point kind of summary.

Something you should know about me is I am not a natural born traveler. I’m a natural born homebody. The concept of traveling is generally stressful to me (pre-motherhood.) The idea that only the things I pack are the things I have when gone, is pretty overwhelming to me. All the “what ifs” make my brain break when packing.

Add kids --- well that’s a whole new thing.

Add in food allergies (and pet + environmental allergies = lung issues) -- whole ‘nother 75 levels of stuff.

So to say I had anxiety when looking at the calendar of events would be stating it lightly. I definitely had a legitimate (not ha-ha use of the word) panic attack when facing the packing for the longest part of our trip. I became non-functional that night. But, my goodness, am I blessed by my husband’s steadfast love, he just took charge and packed basically everything but my clothes. (To say Blake’s love has been life changing-ly wonderful, is to understate things. He is SO GOOD to me. He really does personify Christ to me regularly.)

Anyway, so we were able to get on the road and do what we need to do. And it all turned out really well.

First up we went to my parents on Memorial day weekend. My grandparents had come to visit, they live in Montana, so our visits are very special. 

Then my grandparents added our house to their tour. (it’s an hour and a half from my parents.) And we showed them all our hard work around here, and had two nice days together here.

Next up was a combo trip. We met some childhood friends in Michigan for a couple days and from there we left to go to Ohio - because Blake had a work trip and we made it a mini family vacation. (This was the part I couldn't pack for -- it sounded just WAY too complicated for my brain.)

In front of Lake Michigan

This beach is my FAVORITE place in the world. (That’s why I had my wedding there.)
I’m so happy my kids can spend time there.
The day we went was cloudy, but warm, so I kinda loved it. The lake was still too cold for us. 

Bronson went right to work digging in the sand. He also was surprisingly disciplined at not eating it. Although he did put EVERYTHING else in his mouth. :)

There is a creek that comes out of the woods down to the lake -- that turned into the best play spot for the kids since it wasn’t so freezing cold, and not overwhelming to them. It also boasts clay back in the woods, that is THE BEST for playing with. 

They had a great time!

It was nice to be up there. And it was really nice to see old friends. (I didn’t add their photos -- for privacy consideration.) But I had a hard time being myself and relaxing. Seeing old friends really made me miss my brother (we all grew up together -- these are the kinds of friends on the order of cousins -- just always part of life) and while we had some nice reminiscing together, it was hard.

And having the unknown of traveling to Ohio hanging over my head was intimidating.

So I had a very hard time with anxiety and being me. I felt guilty about that for their sake.

But one thing Blake and I really did take away from our time with our friends was a renewed interest in stepping up our game in certain parts of life.

Our friends are ON TOP of food -- healthy, delicious, very aware of the different ins and outs in lots of aspects of it.

They were also ON TOP of being organized. I mean like wow levels.

And all of which was done in a normal nice non-big-deal or judgey way.

So Blake and I both walked away from our time there wanting to aim high like that.

(I mean to be fair our kid ratio is a bit different than theirs right now, so we gotta give ourselves some grace there. But we were honestly just inspired.)

So then we headed off to Ohio.

And let me tell you, I was so pleased with how this part went.

I was so nervous.

We’ve been to locations where just the general area made Jasmine wheeze for reasons we can’t determine. So I didn’t know how that would go. I also didn’t know how we were gonna do food. We were staying in a hotel, and I didn’t know the accommodations. I didn’t know the area -- I really honestly wasn’t sure how we would survive. I was just going and hoping we’d figure it out and make it through ok.

It was a four or five hour (I forget now) drive from Michigan. And of course you have to add in like 700 potty breaks.

But the kids did REALLY good.

Two sleepers, one yawner

As we were pulling up to our hotel, we saw Whole Foods directly across the street.
Of all places in the world to be situated by! I’d never even been inside a Whole Foods before, but I knew what it was. And I KNEW they would have foods we could eat.
As soon as I saw that it was like see-hearing God say, “See I know. I’m taking care of you.”
I mean I was just totally at peace right then. It was a big deal for me.

This was our hotel room view. It was like a huge hug every time I saw it.

So then we get up to our room and it has a WHOLE KITCHEN!

You guys, this is not a little thing to me.
This trip really really was a God-blessing-my-heart thing. (Well and keeping us alive thing -- which isn’t a little thing.)

In the morning I went downstairs to get myself some coffee and see if the included breakfast had any food my kids could eat. And the staff was SO NICE. They invited me back into their kitchen to read their labels so I could be sure of the food’s safety. There was a nice amount of safe foods.

And then the miracle happened that my picky eater  actually tried a food, AND liked it, AND ate heaps of it.

Once again -- not a little deal -- such a huge sigh of relief and pure joy.

While Blake was at his conference me and the kids snuggled in the big bed and watched Curious George together (with our full bellies)

Then we took a walk across the street to Whole Foods (the street was kinda busy, so the walk was effortful and bit nerve wracking with three kids and no stroller -- but totally worth it.)  And I let the kids pick out whatever they wanted. And we discovered some delicious new stuff.
It was great.

When Blake got back he took the girls swimming in the pool while Bronson slept. 

They LOVED it. 

(Sorry no pictures of it though.)

We had no wheezing there at all. 

And Jasmine called the whole event of the Hotel “Family Date Night.”

And she’s hoping to do this much more regularly.

Not knowing where we’d be going next is hard, but this trip has really helped me be less afraid.

When we got home we had a couple days to the family.

And then Blake’s parents and grandma came for a visit to help us with our yard work a bit.

While they were here Jasmine lost her first tooth!

I’ve honestly been a bit worried how I’d handle that --  for some reason, since growing up, I’ve often found the idea of loose teeth and gaps from it gross -- and I didn’t want to show those emotions to my kids and make them feel bad. But of course, my mom hormones took charge, and once it’s my kids -- it’s not gross... it’s adorable and exciting! (But I still can’t stare at the photo super long. lol )

So yeah that all took up our time from May 27 up until today.

So my introverted self is SPENT.

I’m happy. But I’m spent.

I’m looking forward to a slower pace and routine and finding some alone time.

But one more bit of news---

While doing all that I decided I was ready to REALLY get this baby weight off now.

Who cares that it’s taken me SO MUCH LONGER than the other times, let’s just commit and actual get it off.

A friend of mine had a really fantastic health transformation a bit ago, and I was really inspired by her. She wound up deciding to become a beach body coach. And while I’m normally kinda leery of that whole scene. This time I was like hey I know her, this is for real, and I for real need some accountability to do this. My emotions are too crazy for me to do this on my own this time around. 

So I got in touch with her and joined her online accountability group. It started last week and I joined in as soon as we got home from Ohio.

To be a part of it  I needed to buy some beach body product (so that she fairly gets paid for all her hard work.) I’m still working on my MuTu program to heal my diastasis recti. So I didn’t want to buy a workout program for the moment. So I decided it was worth the price of Shakeology, to me, to have someone who would really truly push me to do what I deep down want to do (but with my emotions usually don’t do.) I didn’t think Shakeology was magic or anything, I just thought it was a nice bonus to having this level of accountability.

And both thoughts were accurate. Shakeology is a nice bonus -- it’s pretty tasty stuff (compared to my old shake stuff I was using which was not delicious at all) and since it’s tasty I use it at our 3:00 snack time so I don’t eat my kids chocolate or all the carbs and sugar in the house which 3:00 usually begs me to do. And it really does fill that void for me in a a heathy way.

But what’s really great is the group. My coach has us post our meal plans every monday. 

My meal plan -- basically just counting calories. I figured what I needed to lose weight and added 200 calories for breastfeeding calories since Bronson is eating solids too.

I also planned ahead with the kids -- my picky eating book recommends it. So it’s all going hand in hand.

And we keep each other on track through the week with certain assignments like sweaty selfies after works outs (we do that on Saturday since normally weekends are easy to skip!)

Sweaty!

I’m so happy I decided to commit to this. I didn’t know if I was up to it. I didn’t know if I had the energy or emotions or ability. 

And I kinda don’t.

But since I spent what I think is a large amount of money for a meal shake thing, I’m making sure I use this group to my fullest. And it’s paying off already.

All I’m doing is MAKING SURE I am being more consistent in my MuTu workout accomplishing. And MAKING SURE I eat healthy -- by planning and adhering to my plan.

As for planning our family meals easily with our food allergies, I’ve been using TheFresh20’s dairy free meal plan. (This link earns me nothing. Just sharing.) I have to tweak a few parts to make it safe for us, but it’s quite easy for me to make those changes.  I bought this meal plan years ago, but didn’t really use it, I’m not sure why now that I think of it. It was only $18 (less than takeout!) and it’s a full year’s worth of seasonal weekly menu plans with grocery lists -- and it’s cost effective shopping. And everything I’ve made so far is delicious! I’m very happy with it.

But I’ve already lost 5 pounds this week.

I’m so happy with that!

And Blake’s already very complimentary of the change. (He’s always sweet to me though. It’s in a good way.)

I have about 10-ish pounds left to get this pregnancy weight off.

My plan is to stick this out.

This month I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.

Then next month I’m going to keep going but I will be done with my MuTu program (and it’s working! My diastasis recti is coming together more and more, faster as I press on and am more diligent with it.) So after that I’m going to give PiYo a whirl. I’ve seen a decent number of people I know in person have really great results with it, and have had it in my mind to try (but have been pregnant or all-the-after-pregnancy-stuff since I had heard of it.) And it’s also what my coach used for her transformation. So I’m excited to see what that’s all about.

But I’ll do that with shakeology in the mix as well.

After that time will tell.

I’m hoping that’s all I’ll need to kiss this pregnancy weight goodbye for good -- but I may need longer. We will see.

*Normally I don’t have any links that make me any money on my blog. But honestly JUST because it saved me money, I signed up for buying Shakeology in a way that allows me to sell it as well.

So since I did that, I thought I’d throw this link out there. If you are interested in joining me on my health journey and you wanted me to get a small commission from it you can buy shakelogy from me here.

If you wanted to join an accountability group, I’m not coaching, but I can set you up with my coach (who is awesome, and I know, because I know her from in-person-life --- you can “meet" her on her youtube channel here.) So if that sounds good, you can email me at 1lydiajohnson@gmail.com and I will get everyone in touch. You’ll need to buy some kind of beachbody product -- like PiYo (this link would send me commission) or what-have-you. (But email me first if you want to join a group -- because I’d need to ask her which way to do stuff to get that set up. Don’t buy anything before we chat, unless you just want the product and not the group.)

But I’m not putting any pressure on this AT ALL. I’m not about to turn my blog into a huge fitness and beachbody sales thing. (I’m not sure I’ll be selling this stuff for more than the amount of time it takes me to lose the weight.)  My blog is about my life, so I’ll blog about it when it comes up. But I’m not gonna change how I blog because of it. I’m just sharing because so far it’s been SO GOOD for me to have this group. You know I need all the support I can get in life in general. This is good for my heart too (meant like emotional heart, but physically of course applies.) That’s why I’m sharing.