Mud Room, Cards, and Books, Oh my!

Hey Guys, I’m still here. I’m ok. 

I’ve been super busy. And I’m also really, really, really inside myself lately. I’m processing TONS of stuff. So it’s been hard to remember to blog. Some days I am bogged down, like life is utterly crushing me. And other days I stare down the circumstances, like a bull I have by the horns -- that I glare down at with fearless defiance while my shoulder blades burn with unabading power as that bull starts to twist. Then at the end of that day, or the next, I feel like I may never get out of bed again. And round and round we go.

    So some of it is just too personal to delve into on the blog. But a lot of it isn’t too personal at all. While I’m simultaneously dealing with all that came with grief, I’m also dealing with some odd ball life stuff. That stuff -- the life randomnesses--  it’s not too personal, it just is what it is. I’ll share that with ya today. Plus a few house pictures.

Here we go!

So we finally got our little “mud room” spot done….ok, well, it’s not done-done. But it’s close! It still needs the little bench seat at the bottom. Hence the strange gap down there. Imagine a dark piece of wood on farmhouse brackets down there.

(Well and someday I’d like to change the trim outside it, on the top and left side with something better than what it came with. But for now it’s good.)

Check out the “finished" product! Isn’t she pretty!?

I LOVE this thing. I can’t get over how perfect this is for this spot. I had NO clue what to do with that spot when we bought the house. At first I thought we would leave the tiny closet doors on and I could hang my broom and mop back there. But that seemed weird since this is a room with carpet.

So….thank you, super sick pregnancy, for giving me “no choice” but to live on Pinterest for 10 months, whereby giving me some fantastic house schemes. This is such a better plan than a broom closet.

Our garage door is like 5 feet from here. And our backyard door is just across the room. So this is a great spot for our often used jackets and such.

Since it’s summer and we don’t need jackets….I’m pretty sure it’s just gonna hold clothes. My kids can’t keep their clothes on once the weather hits the 70s. They think it’s the surface of the sun now. (No idea! It’s about this temperature in our house year round…but they are melting.) So their clothes go on and off all day. (I figure you can only be naked, or mostly naked, so long in life, I’m not gonna put up a fight yet.) So I’ve asked them to place their clothes there when they are just “too hot."

That basket to the right there is from Target and was part of my mother’s day present. It holds our most used shoes. The ones that go on every day to go outside.

In other things around the house:

I’ve been brainstorming for a few weeks now how to work on our routine.

I’m reading a book (I’ll share in a bit) that’s really into routine.

I’ve had ZERO routine in our life, ever. So far it’s been fine, and even necessary at times that we not have routine, because of how different circumstances have played out. But now I do feel ready for a day in day out predictability.

Because I’m not good at it naturally, I needed some kind of prompt.

After some Pinterest and soul searching I came up with this.

It’s a 1x10x4 cheap piece of pine. 

For things like this I like the cheap “bad” boards because they have more character. I just try to find ones that aren’t warped, but have cool knots or grain, sometimes live edge areas. I beat this one up a little with a hammer and some screws (I pounded on their side into the wood to make interesting dents.) In the process I did spilt the wood at the bottom, but I didn’t mind -- more character. Then I stained it with Minwax Special Walnut.

I bought gold cup hooks and spray painted them oil rubbed bronze and then Blake helped me get them spaced perfectly on the board.

The cards I made with clip art I found online. I just tried to find stuff that looked as depictive and optimistic as possible about each part of our day. Then I printed them on cardstock. They probably would do better being laminated, but I don’t have a laminator and haven’t bothered to go get it done somewhere.

I don’t have all these things I made cards for in rotation yet. But I printed them hoping that this system is going to propel us towards them. And some of it is for the next step in our home school routine. (Like Handicraft. Handicraft is a Charlotte Mason word. She didn’t want kids doing just-glue-paper-kind-ofcrafts, she wanted them learning things that have real beauty and value. Here’s a list of ideas if you are wondering. But it can be anything, we’ve been sewing felt flowers. Jasmine LOVES it.) 

Anway, some of these things I probably won’t start until Fall.

My plan is to think it out each night, and set it up, to make sure it reflects the next day, so when we get up we know what we need to do, and then we can flip them backwards as we get them done.

I’m going to hang it here between the “mud room” spot and  the doorway.

We’ll see how it works for us. I JUST got it done today. So we haven’t used it yet. But it seems like it’s going to help me think straight. I figure it can grow with us as needed. And I can keep tweeking the cards as we go along and grow together.

So remember a few weeks ago I was moving plants around, as part of my emotional bolstering? Well I also moved some hydrangeas. We have a clump of them in our back yard -- which I was thrilled to learn, because I had dreamed of having some someday. But they are in a spot where you can’t see them unless you go outside and walk towards them and just stand in a boring spot of the yard. So I decided I would move them to the front. 

I picked a day that was hotter than the other days I had been moving plants. And I was also emotionally bankrupt but was placing a bet that moving these would encourage me. Well turns out it just burned me out more that day. So I was sure I had killed them in the process because I really don’t know what I am doing. I wound up moving only about half my hydrangea clump. At the time I made that call because I was afraid of killing all of them at once. I didn’t know how to tell where to dig and what part of the plant could be separated from the rest, I felt like I was just groping in the dark. But now I think it was good that I just moved this many, it seems like the right amount.

Anyway, I am pleased to report that after a couple weeks of faithful watering these guys in their new place in the front yard, the plants have seemingly survived AND they are growing flower buds, so I am celebrating! I think there will be flowers this year! Woohoo! That’s gonna be awesome.

With our first hostas getting bigger, and with the new ones being placed around, and with us really fervently mowing back the outrageously-overtaken-by-dandelions grass until the dandelions are starting to relent somewhat….we are starting to get something that looks like a real yard this year! It’s thrilling. Especially when remembering where we started! (Sorry you can’t see our whole yard right now in the current photo, but you get the idea. No scary dead bushes hiding everything. And no more window awning anymore either!)

And in other random -- keep you up to date news -- I got a hair cut two weekends ago. I’m LOVING it.

This was the first day, right after the cut.

For some reason It’s not as curly since. (See below)

But either way. I’m really enjoying this length right now.

My sister in law did the magic -- she’s awesome.

It makes me wish hair didn’t grow, so I could just know it would stay like this forever without upkeep. 

Ok time to talk books.

I’m reading WAY, WAY, WAY too many books. And at the same time. It’s kinda crazy.

 Here are a few to share.

I randomly discovered this book called Helping Your Child With Extreme Picky Eating. It took me a while to get through it. (Life stuff.) But I think it’s going to really improve our collective lives. If you have a picky (not even necessarily very picky) eater this may be worth you looking over. It’s very anxiety relieving (for parents and child.) It’s got a very good respect level for all involved. I like it.

     Now for us to implement it in our lives, it is more challenging because our food allergies. I have to overcome a lot of habits that cropped up while I was sick-pregnant where I would eat allergy foods and the kids would eat their own foods. (Life with a baby, in a reno, while grieving has not propelled me to fix these habits yet.) I need to get back into the habit of making “everyone can eat this” food for everyone as a family meal. That’s honestly a bit daunting for me right now -- I’m emotionally worn out, and mix in the emotions on food from last pregnancy plus still trying to get that pregnancy’s weight off -- it’s a bit tedious. But I’m still seeing this book as a God send. It’s gonna be worth it. I just have to get into the right gear. (Oh and yeah, this is the book with routine. They suggest routine snacks through the day. Once I got into that mental place I knew I needed more routine on the whole.)

Speaking of Food Allergies and books. I grabbed this with the last book I just mentioned (it was nearby at the library.) “Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children.” It’s written by a phsycologist who diagnoses children with brain stuff (sorry, I’m too all-over-the-place to talk about this with proper jargon) meaning she often deals with ADD, ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, learning disorders -- things of that nature. She wrote the book because there was no literature helping parents deal with their emotions on the matter once the diagnosis happens-- and because it’s super important for them to know how to deal with their emotions. She knew there was a need for the book. Anyway, the book can apply to anything “atypical” with your kid -- I’m applying it to the food allergy emotions I have. I’m only about half way through but I’m really appreciating it. It’s already clarified some things for me about myself and why I’ve reacted certain ways in the past.  It’s validated some things I thought but wasn’t sure about. And it’s helped me to see how others around me also need to go through these same emotions on the subject of our food allergies, and how we might be at different stages of processing that -- that was one of those moments where I was like “Oh of course! It’s so obvious! BUT I would never have framed it so that I could understand that.” And once it was framed that way it makes so many things so much easier for me to process. Anyway -- it’s a good read if you have any reason that your child may not fit in the “standard box” of who you thought your child would be before you met them.

Speaking of reading books.

As far as Jasmine is concerned, we are still plodding along nicely with our Bob Books. (They are reading primers.) She started with great vigor and then we both felt like “hmm now what?” after getting through a couple books and then intensity level started going up. So I found this website teachingwithbob.com and it’s really helped A LOT. She breaks down how to review and move along using just Bob Books to learn to read. You can use her website to find everything for free, or you can pay like $7 to download it all simply and concisely. (That’s what I went with.) And we’ve been doing much better since. It’s a good thing.

Ok so that’s all for this week.

We are really, really trying to “break ground” on the sunroom soon. Meaning start painting -- well initially priming with shellac, before painting.
 It feels like the most daunting room to me. It’s been the most work for us since the beginning. So I think I’m both more jaded by it, and more excited by it. I just want to read a book, on a couch in their while it rains. For heavens sake just let me read in the rain in there already! (It’s been 2.5 years of dreaming of that!) (Why must I paint before getting a couch! (Oh cause I don’t want to ruin the couch. Stink!))
 I’ve never painted raw cedar before, it’s a big room with LOTS of windows to cut around. The painting seems daunting!
But we will eventually get there! WE WILL.
And Blake’s semester at work is over, so he’s got more freedom with his time. He still needs to do stuff even in the summer semester, but it’s more flexible. So hopefully that helps us get where we are going in the space.

Stay tuned.
(But don’t worry if it takes me longer to post these days.)

Pull Back

To everyone who’s commented or wrote me recently. Thank you. I’ve really deeply appreciated it all. And in my mind I’ve responded, but in real life, I'm seeing that I have not. I’m sorry you guys. Please know that I am grateful.

I’m in a pull-back stage.
I took Facebook and Instagram off my phone for right now. (Still use them on the computer, but less than before.) I need more mental clarity than they allow me.
I’m not sure what to put on the blog this week.
I’m really focused on trying to get some kind of hold on my life. I have too many balls in the air. But this isn’t the kind of situation where the advice is “Just say no”, “Take back your time”, “Don’t have so many commitments.” Nope. I’m in the: “Wow the hand you were dealt looks really crappy, just play it the best you can.” type situation. I cannot change any of my cards. So I’m focused down really hard right now on how to live the best I can with them. I making some legitimate headway. It’s empowering; and utterly and completely soul wearying exhausting. I’m making it. But I’m bone tired.


Today we all went to the park -- it was lovely. Seriously surreal. We wandered there by accident without any forethought; and Blake was able to come and meet us there after work. I had moments where I felt like I was in a movie. I was so happy to be there. The clouds were gorgeous. The weather ideal. The sun was at an “OH PLEASE take portraits with me” height in the sky. I could feel love float to me on the wind, into my pours and down into my soul, filling in caverns with light.

On the way home we stopped at a neighbor’s garage sale. There we saw our other neighbors who have kids, who are each the same age as all of our kids. She asked, “So how are you guys doing with three?”
I totally blanked.    …    Well. No -- I the-opposite-of-blanked. I had 7 million thoughts at the same time, which makes you feel like you are inside a so-loud-you-feel-blind hum.
I stood just 3 seconds too long, with my face frozen, so that I looked awkward, but not pained -- just socially awkward. And said “Uh yeah…good.” in a lie-level chipper voice.
We don’t run into these neighbors very much, they have busy lives and aren’t home much. They don’t know my brother died. They kinda know about our food allergies. They knew I felt bad while I was pregnant (we both ran into each other two times while simultaneously pregnant.) But we don’t really know each other.
I can’t go into my whole “Life with Three” blog post endless answer --  And I can’t just be like, “Well  three kids really isn’t hard BECAUSE…. I’m so used to everything being more hard." I can’t just immediately be like “Oh well, my life feels like it’s on fire and I’m trying to hold everything together for my family while I breathe in endless smoke.” I felt like the question about three kids didn’t touch reality. "Yeah I have three kids, no biggie. I, on the other hand, am an utter mess."
So I just lie-level chipper voice said, “Uh Yeah….good.” With zero idea how to expound on it at all. Which made me seem like a true liar.

Hmm... could I tell her how I just lived 30 minutes of being in a movie, a gorgeous surreal perfect moment at the park? Would that work?
No.
You can’t tell some other mom you don’t really know that. It would sound like “Look at me, I’m perfect.”
.
.
.
Sheesh, I have no good-conversation thoughts at all!

We ended up talking about garage sales, since we were at a garage sale. Good enough right?
I guess.
I felt silly and like a liar.


A different day. Weeks ago now, when I was even more raw and on the edge of tears every minute -- I met a mom at a park. While were were there, another acquaintance ran into us. This acquaintance asked about what we were doing for school. (Which, by the way, I make a point of not asking unless I’m actually trying to find homeschool friends/advice -- that kind of situation. I don’t like drawing unnecessary attention to people’s schooling choices just for casual conversation sake. It feels a bit like politics to me --  which I run to the hills from. I don’t care to talk about stuff that people already have formed strong fight-like opinions over. I see no point. Live and let live. Talk about something enjoyable  and/or productive together.) (Not everyone has fight-like feelings about school. But more people do than I initially realized. So I like to avoid it in passing as a general rule.) Anyway, this mom asked me what we were doing for school. I told her we are homeschooling. She asked if were would be starting in the fall, I said we’ve already started. I was really hoping to avoid any more conversation because it has a lot of additional emotions for me besides the concept of school itself. (Food allergies, home renovating, sick pregnancy, brother dying -- homeschool touches all of life. I chose to start home schooling because of food allergies. Emotions. It can be really hard to find time to do it AND finish my house. Emotions. While I was pregnant I literally couldn’t physically do it. Emotions. And when my brother died I didn’t do it for probably about 2 months because I couldn’t function. Emotions.) She really wanted to have the conversation and asked me “So how’s it going?” As soon as she asked that I had an unstoppable flash back to my brother’s funeral. I was in front of his casket. Feeling immeasurable pain. But somehow I was also homeschool-mom-at-home, still standing in front of his casket in my heart, not doing school -- feeling like I was failing life. My face, I’m sure, frozen and deformed. And I was motionless in agony. This acquaintance and I do not have the kind of track record where I would even begin to think about telling her what just happened to me inside that moment. As I returned to my mind I noticed that yes, she was still there and she was looking me over with something of fear (for my children), and amusement, and perhaps a bit of pride which I would assume would be a feeling of mommy-winning. Her face shocked me back into the moment. Oh my gosh, I am at a park, not the funeral. Woah…………. Ok wait, what am I in the middle of talking about? Oh that’s right. Home school. How’s it going? Oh ok… wow, now I look like I couldn’t hate homeschooling any more if I tried, after making that frozen agony face. Should I explain. No, I can’t ever explain this moment . Just answer her question. Actually, no don’t answer her question. She’s just trying to nose into something that’s not hers anyway. Just say some words, Lydia. For heavens sake this is a LONG pause now. SAY SOME WORDS! 
She stares harder now, her fear expression, is giving way to the amusement expression, and that is giving way more to the pride she’s attempting to hold back expression -- the longer I take. And I finally flash back into actual control of my body with a rush and say, “I don’t have a lot of thoughts yet. It’s still new.” Her face says a smugness. My face says, “Phew that’s over. And wow I am sad.” (This likely cements a few things in her mind very incorrectly.)












I’m in a pull-back stage.
There’s no real way to convey all the swirling I am in nonstop. Nothing is a single layer right now. Everything is thick, and hard work to chew.
It’s hard for anything to actually just be what it is. Everything becomes everything else until it’s all just this hard mess. Sometimes I’m so sad and broken I don’t know how to function.
But I’m focused down really hard right now on how to live the best I can inside it all. It’s empowering and utterly and completely soul wearying exhausting. I’m making it. Sometimes I’m happy. Sometimes I’m really happy. (While I’m sad.) But I’m bone tired.
It’s really hard to know what to say.
I’m in a pull-back stage.

Catching up with you

OK so here is a "catch up with me" post.

First thing I’ll show you is some new clothes.

I asked a stylish friend for shoe recommendations and confided in her that all I wear still are my yoga pants (the flared kind) because I still don’t care much these days. Mourning clothes.

And she shared the mind blowing magic of fitted yoga pants (look like leggings) with me.

And just like that, I’m comfortable, I still am not trying, but yet I look ok.

Mourning makeover.

I bought these Target yoga leggings and the great thing is they are thick enough, so I’m calling them pants. Super comfortable, easy fit and they don’t stretch out after wearing them (A LOT.) I recommend them. (But just because, not for money.)

These are the photos I sent her of what I bought after she schooled me.

The tops all are from TJMaxx -- that was a great place for shopping comfy, loose, tunic-y length shirts for wearing with my new leggings.

So that was a nice boost and distraction from things.

Although I’m not sure I’ve fallen in love with any sandals I’ve tried yet.(The ones in the photo are a few years old and broken.) Got any really comfy and stylish recommendations?

In the house -- things are not looking as good.

That one little quick job we thought we’d knock out in a weekend or a week (like a month ago) is still going strong…

That closet we wanted to turn into mini mud room hook space….

We also thought, while we have the wall taken apart lets add an outlet on the kitchen side. We plan to add a cabinet butler’s pantry kinda spot, and it would be nice to have an outlet in that mix.

Well, of course….this is an old house, and it seems like basically everything after this wall in the forefront is an addition, therefore finding the electrical work was not what we had anticipated. We had to take apart a lot more than we wanted to just to figure out something that would work. I was ready to say, forget the outlet. Blake was more willing to press on to the big picture goal. I’m glad he was because the outlet is going to be great. We even got one of those ones with USB slots next to the regular plus, so we can have a phone station.

Anyway here are so photos of what a mess we made (which I wasn’t emotionally ready for.)

I suddenly related very deeply with anyone who had told me they could never live in a reno house.

I’ve gotten used to the level of “doneness” we’ve arrived at. So this felt horrible. (You can’t see the layer of dust coating everything in our house that got made ripping stuff out.)

Once we opened this hole up and I could see the family room from the kitchen I COULD NOT stop channeling Joanna Gains. I told Blake that if I was Joanna Gains that wall would be gone. And he said “If I was Chip Gains, I’d say….something cute.” (That cracked me up.)

I didn’t ever actually want to open up stuff in my house (well just one spot between the cooking and eating parts of our kitchen, maybe someday, but out countertop has made that work really well.) I actually shopped on purpose for a house without an open concept. I’ve lived in one before and while I think they are really pretty and airy -- my personality likes walls (hide from messes when I’m tired. Gives me introvert room to breath.) But man, once this wall was see through the feeling of largeness was hard to deny.

I held MOST my thoughts in, because it wasn’t ever gonna happen. Taking that out for real would be INTENSE -- headers and bracing, bla bla bla. Plus I actually really want the storage we are working towards.

But Joanna, I heard you!

We had to buy a new piece of panneling to replace what we did. That actually hurt my heart/pride -- I have personally spent money on putting paneling on a wall. Sigh. But it was the only way -- I’m not re-drywalling this whole room right now -- no way. I will gladly paint some paneling.

To be honest, I have actually grown to LIKE the look of painted paneling. (I’d of course like it better if it was real wood, not just that flat board stuff, but whatever -- the texture has actually really grown on me.)

So this wall looks like this today. Painted, but not finished. Trim is calling out “Fix me! Fix me!" 

I’m trying (hopefully somewhat successfully) to be patient with asking Blake about it. He’s finishing up the semester at work -- so his work load is heavy and pressing. But pretty soon we will get this wrapped back up.

This is the family room side. Still just some bead board propped up and stuff hiding it from kids (there is bigger barricades closer to me, out of the photo.)

As far as the sunroom goes (which had created an enormous mess in the living room as well.) Here’s where we are at.

Blake and I both decided that the ceiling can’t just be flat dry wall. That space feels really weird like that. So we are gonna put up bead board.

I’m actually SO glad Blake decided that. I was thinking that, but didn’t want to say anything because I thought it would have negated the work he did on the drywalling. But he said, he would have done that anyway so the bead board had something to adhere to.

So the bead board is bought, but not placed.

And then I’ve decided before anything can really go in the sunroom we need to do better prep work.

I want to roll up our linoleum (it’s not tacked down at all) and use that famous BIN Shellac that has rescued so much of our house from bad smells (from the previous renter’s pet problems.)

That room smells once the heat is turned on, it awakens the odor. So I need to seal the floors up.

And then inside that same “smelly” issue, plus water staining, the nature of cedar, and random issues, I need to use that shellac on the walls as well before we can paint. Blake and I both feel grieved to paint the cedar, but it’s the only real way forward in there.

SO that meant the living junk could not go back into the sunroom.

We also realized we had another event during that garage sale we thought we were gonna join. So the garage sale wasn’t an option.

That actually turned out to be a huge relief to me -- I didn’t see how we were gonna pull off a garage sale at this stage of life.

We just donated our stuff to ReStore and Salvation Army and are going to claim it on our taxes. We felt best about that for where everything is.

So thankfully our living room looks normal again!

SOOO nice! Not taking that for granted.

Inside all that house stress, I found it very hard to deal with my anxiety I’ve had recently.

So I just one day decided I would do one thing I didn’t think I could do -- one thing that would make me feel like I was making headway. One thing that grounded me.

The first day that was moving three hostas (that were over crowded where they were) to next to our mail box since grass never grows there. I took our baby montior outside and me and Jasmine worked away. Ruby used it as some introvert time to herself. And we all enjoyed ourselves throughly.

The next day I moved some rogue backyard hostas, that were barely hanging on, over to a happier shadier place for them on the opposite side of the driveway.

They will look better next year. 

Doing these small tasks has helped me not crumble inside this stress.

It gives me something tangible to prove I’m making it.

And 

in

terrifying

photo 

news

….

.

.

.

our family has been battling pink eye for THREE WEEKS now.

It’s ridiculous.

Ruby had it first and it looked terrible.

Then she got better.

Then a few days later Jasmine had it.

It looked terrible.

She got a fever!? (Got her checked, she was ok. It’s just weird.)

Then she got better.

Then a few days later….

I had it.

It looked terrible

.

.

.

ahhhhhh!!!! 

The worst!

I wasn’t even as upset as I would normally be about it. I was annoyed and irked. But it was like 

“Whatever -- this is seriously just life right now. My face looks like my life.”

Not in a bitter way either. Just in like a “meh. whatever.”

I’m happy to report that while my eyes are still pink, they are normal sized today.

Sadly I think Baby Bronson is next with the goop forming in his eyes.

SIGH --- This will never end!

Also you can see my new teething necklace I just got. Me and Bronson both really like it.

I wanted to find one that looks the most like real jewelry. I like what I found.

I bought it off of Etsy -- Here

I went ahead and got my girls some sensory (same stuff as teething) necklaces.

Ruby has had a hard time letting go of her pacifier. So I thought this could ease her transition if she needed something to put in her mouth. I let her pick out any kind she liked and we decided when it arrived we would be done with pacifiers. It worked seamlessly. I thought we were in for a rough road -- but she took it awesome. Shes actually barely used the necklace -- but I think it still was a great help and motivator. She’s not fussed about the pacifier once.

(You should have seen her the week before -- if she lost it, she was in hysterics for hours. I was actually terrified to get rid of it. This was such a pleasant surprise.)

Here’s what she picked out: 

Off Etsy Here.

And to be fair, Jasmine got a necklace too. This is what she picked.

Off Etsy Here.

I think it’s so cute -- these necklaces perfectly reflect their personalities.

Other than that, me and my friend are still cheering each other on to do our MuTu work outs. We aren’t perfect at it -- but I’m just proud I’m doing anything right now. I’m glad she’s being my buddy for this because my emotions have wanted to derail me pretty hard.

I’m not sure how my progress will be since I really can’t commit to doing everything full force, but I can tell the program is great. I think it’s creator is right on target, knows just what a post partum body needs and can handle --  and she’s sensitive to the mom plight, I like her.

Anyway,  that’s my catch up for now.

TTYL