Thursday, August 18, 2016

Not the first, not the last


Yeah, so…..

This is not the first time I’ve had writer’s block with the blog, I’m sure it won’t be the last.
But it’s the first of it’s kind.

I’m in a weird place.

I’m still sad and grieving. But I’m past the socially really acknowledged zone. Because for the rest of the world time is moving. But for me it’s not. So we are on different planes there. After my brother died I looked up the old custom of mourning clothes (I just can’t help myself -- I study anything of interest at all) and I noted the time length -- siblings wore mourning clothes for 6 months back in the Victorian days. That time frame feels about accurate in current social greetings and their delicateness. (I’m not saying people are immediately in-considerate, or not delicate, after that much time. It’s small and almost imperceptible, but after 6 months there is a shift.)
I’m messy right now inside.
   I’m tired all the time. Like weary in my soul. I’m super sensitive. I’m boring and can’t think of conversation. If I can think of anything to say, it’s gonna be WAY over detailed and specific and likely not appealing to just anyone. I have zero small talk skills right now -- ZERO.
    This all makes going to church (or of I had any other social things at all, those would count too) seriously exhausting, very awkward --I likely come across as a real weirdo -- and it’s not refreshing or enjoyable.

But I’m sort of starting to feel normal. Kinda. So I kinda want to be normal and see people and stuff. Only then when I am there I remember that I flinch when people say hi to me. (Grief makes greetings hurt.) And I watch them pause and process that very briefly. I over-think that, I lose ability to catch up with the next thing they say to try and recover that random moment, and so I flinch some more, or I look down or away, or look disappointed. You can see the conversation is doomed.
OR I don’t flinch when we greet -- I get there by trying to muscle-through ---- which looks like smiling overpoweringly and saying “I’m GOOD!” like I just won the lottery or something. But then I  have no way to say a second sentence. Because I’m not good. So I just kinda have to move along then. And then I’m sure people get the wrong impression that I’m just breezing through life. I’m not, I just have no social skills right now. (Or maybe it’s not that I don’t have skills, but there just isn’t room for this-current-situation in social arenas right now. Either way.)

I have never been a huge fan of the general “How are you?” question as a greeting. I’ve never enjoyed how it seems like a really meaty good question, but is used as a general hello, as in "I might just be trying to get past you towards the coffee station and need to be friendly too.”
But right now, I have no skill in maneuvering it. I wonder every time “Are you asking me, for real? How long do you want to listen?” I don’t know.

I kinda of just want to walk up to people, and right off the bat, be like “Hey, I’m gonna be weird. Just ignore the weird and keep on going, I’ll suck it up and we’ll all be fine... Now let’s just get to it. ‘How are you?’"

Because honestly I don’t think people know which way to maneuver that question with me either. I experienced a horribly awkward “How are you?” scenario about a month ago, where I thought the person was just asking lightly, so I said “good” to be polite. Then they pressed really hard with searching eyes, “How ARE you?” but it wasn’t the right timing to be asking (it wasn’t a conversational moment at all), so I looked confused, paused, thought, and said, “My life is hard, but I am good.” (Totally not sure WHAT to say.) And then they patted me on the arm and said “You’re blessed” (entirely too care-free) and walked away leaving me stunned.
These kinda of things are weird and I guess happen anytime. But when they happen during these hard times they are SO alienating and leave me second guessing so much.

So how I am…
And how come I haven’t been blogging much…

So I’ve established I’m not good at being by people. (I could go on, but I’ll call that much good for today.)

I’ve established I’m sad.

I think I’ve implied I’m confused. (Death has a way of throwing everything you think you knew into a new light. And you are left to either ignore that and try to make things feel like they used to even if they can’t ever be what they used to be, or totally reexamine EVERYTHING until you get your footing back.)

BUT on the other hand,
I’m also happy in places.
I’m also at peace in places.
I’m also excited in places.
I’m also hopeful in places.
I also see beauty in places.

BUT it’s not the way it was.
I don’t see beauty the same.

Some beauty means entirely more to me now.
Some beauty is totally unappealing to me now.
Some things I thought were beautiful now look ugly -- or maybe not ugly -- yeah ugly isn’t the word-- but like….not what I want to gaze on.
Some things I never noticed are now a really big deal that I want to gaze on for ages.

I don’t have my barring on that yet.
And that right there is really what’s been holding me up with the blog.

Because blogs are used to showcase things, generally speaking.
And generally, they look pretty.
And I don’t really know how I feel about all of that right now.

I used to LOVE taking photos. (Before the blog. Sorry you never really got the full benefit of that skill on here.)
I used to do wedding photography. And I adored catching people’s soul. And I didn’t mind photoshopping stuff because to me that’s how I actually saw the people -- when you know someone and love them, you see them with photoshop eyes -- so I just wanted everyone to see them that way.

But when I peruse the general internet -- photoshop isn’t showing people’s souls, it’s like hiding their souls with skin perfection. (Or room perfection, or outfit perfection.) I don’t see a soul. I see a shell. And it’s a pretty shell. I wouldn’t mind my shell looking so shinny.
But I know they didn’t wake up like that. Or the room doesn’t stay like that.
And I’m too tired to pretend that way.

And it’s fine either way. I’m not mad at anyone or saying anything bad here.
I’m just not sure what to put on my blog.
Because part of me is like “Hey shoot for the stars, find your dream, live your best life. Take some seriously good photos now and step up your game.” and part of me is like “Don’t do life with makeup and filters. It’s not real.” And part of me is like “But remember how you used to photoshop with decency for love sake?” And then part of me is like “Meh. I’d rather take a nap. I have three kids, and a BUNCH of stuff to do.”

And I also currently have a FIRM gasp on the fact that you can’t win. If I were to put stunningly gorgeous photos up, I’d turn some people off because I’d lose authenicty. If I were to put only “real life” messy, no filter, no makeup, no cleaning photos up, I’d turn some people off because if you hit that too hard you seem depressed or too mediocre. If I did both, people would lean towards more of one or the other, and hope I would too. Because we are all different and like different things have have different hopes. And that’s fine. But I am currently HIGHLY aware of there not being a right way. And I’m fully aware that this is my blog and I can do what I want.
But I’m not sure what kind of way I even see right now.
My filter’s aren’t inside photoshop, instagram, VSCOcam. I don’t see with photoshop eyes like I used to. My personal filters --they are a lot more tactile right now. I’m not sure how visual I even am right now. (Says the girl who’s still making over every square inch of her house.)

I’m me. I’m messy.
I’m not sure what to say.
But someday I’ll get a foothold again.

Here’s a really filtered photo of me.
How’s it make you feel?

In art interpretation,
I like that half is washed with light and half is heavy with contrast.
Does it speak a thousand words?

Or does it just say 


  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Grief is a very individual thing, so it can be hard for other people to understand what you are experiencing. Your world was turned upside down, and you are still trying to put things right. Not everything can fit back where it was before and that's ok.
    I check your blog because I feel you are a kindred spirit and I care about you, whatever and whenever you decide to post.
    God bless

  2. It breaks my heart to read of the grief that is weighing you down and putting a layer of haze over everything in your life. Thank you for sharing your pain so that, even if we haven't been there, we can at least try to empathize. Don't let anyone put a timeline on your grief and healing process. What worked for someone else may not work for you and that's okay. Your experience is your own and no one else's.
    When I was (am?) grieving different things in my own life, "Reason for the World" by Matthew West has been my solace song (
    God is good but life's still hard.

    Lots of love <3

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