Stream of Consciousness

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

Thoughts swirl.
My whole life comes up in unexpected memories. Ones I’ve not touched in ages.
My kids ask me questions, upon questions, about stuff I can’t focus on.
Random things that people have said to me since he died, especially the stuff I don’t like, plays back without warning.
I don’t know who to talk to.
I don’t know what I’d want to say.
I’d like to cry. But when I do it hurts so much I have to turn it back off, so my heart doesn’t stop.
When I don’t cry for long enough everything gets more confusing.
I’ll be driving and everything falls in front of my face and then I’m trying not to cry again, because that kind of cry isn’t safe for driving.
I visit certain hugs from the funeral again and again, with as much tangible sensation as I can muster.
I take breaks from myself and furiously shop for a rug for my living room, and plan out every makeover this house can hold -- just so I can see things that are soft and pretty and quiet.
I’m mad at everyone.
Everything is SO trivial.
All I want to see is everyone I haven’t seen since I was little. I’m so tired of no one knowing all that I’m carrying, every single day. I’m so tired of being someone who’s 'just now’ and not a whole person.
I’d like to be little again. Or if I can’t do that, could you all, from back then, be close again? I have been so alone.
But I can’t, so I wind up trying to piece a lot of everything together, because I forgot it all, and I need to know who I am. And I’m unable to hold it back -- my life's living itself over again, only quiet and alone this time, just for me - no one else is here with me, and nothing is in any order.

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

Try to put the laundry away, and remember this is not just your own life now, you are making theirs. Someday they will have memories of now. That feels big. What if their’s swirl like this?
Sit still for hours because if you don’t you won’t survive.
Other times sitting still brings shaking with near panic, so get out wall paint and touch up those missed spots just so you can fix something.
Try to make a grocery list and face the hardest-every-single-minute ordeal that "nothing-makes-any-sense and I-always-feel-homesick-because-I-have-no-family-hertiage-reciepes, no-memories-to-taste ---- I-don’t-know-how-to-be-a-mom, what-the-heck-do-I-feed-my-family food allergies", that you face every single second because kids are never not hungry. So try not to have a full mental breakdown, because remember…. this is not just your own life now, you are making theirs. But why do groceries have to be faced SO OFTEN? Why can’t I get a break? Why is EVERYTHING hard?

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

But the blog means something to me.
And it used to get me through that pregnancy that I didn’t think I’d get through.

Yeah but this is personal. And that’s the internet.
And you’ve lost your filter. Who knows what you are going to say.
You better just step away.

But how will I come back?
And what about the parts of me that still paint walls, and dressers? And have things that could help someone with something random and small but big?

But won’t it look weird if all you type is that stuff? Not not how you are broken and devastated and how you are irrevocably, something all together different now. (As if you weren’t already different enough initially.)

But what if I just need some time to be away from the sad? What if I just need to keep living?

You’re selling me kid. That’s a solid argument.



“Mommy, is it lunch time yet? I’m hungry.”
Looks at the clock it’s quarter to 10:00.
Seriously?
What do I feed you now?
Pull out food that normal people wouldn’t consider food, or at least not a meal.
Give them said “food."

Go sit alone trying not to break.
Come back in the room.
Try to see just a couple nice things (new babies and such) on Facebook, and NOTHING else. If you’ve ever thought Facebook is annoying under normal circumstances….. new level right here. 
Saw babies, close Facebook as fast as possible.
Weigh out the now very-vast-feeling question, “What should I do with today?” Too heavy. Reword.  “How do I get through today?”
Too heavy. Reword.
“What’s the one thing that feels do-able right now?” Do that. Repeat question when that doesn’t feel doable anymore. See if that gets you to tomorrow.

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more thoughts
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sometimes numb nothing
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sometimes pointless thoughts
sometimes huge thoughts
but often too many thoughts
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circle back
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“What do I do with the Blog?”

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falls back into swirling