I felt kinda bad about that. Conflicted. But then I realized, that’s just me. I surge and diminish. I rush and retreat. I conquer and regroup. I plan, then attack. Mid-attack I can get distracted and attack too many things at once. Sometimes I get them all done, sometimes I just stop mid-everything and sit still.
I’ve always been this way. I’ve tried tricks to keep me motivated --- to avoid my still time. Tricks to give me a schedule to follow, to help me keep my steam --- avoid the diminishing. I’ve invented all sorts of systems that work... for a while. But I have to have chunks of down time --- they tend to be bigger than what I presume others thrive off of (based on observation, but I could be wrong.) If I make myself be productive longer than I feel like I naturally can be, I just wind up needing a longer rest after that than I naturally would have. I can try a new system that doesn’t fit me, and I can suck it up and do for a while. But I can’t maintain it for too long.
It all boils down to: I just have a syncopated rhythm. (I actually have that in my hands, did you know that? I took a little bit of guitar lessons when I first went away to college, and one of the first things my teacher told me was, “You have a really cool naturally syncopated rhythm.” I had no idea what he was talking about. I still kinda don’t regarding guitar. But it sticks out to me now, in regards to who I am.)
I can get to feeling very frustrated about this. I can beat myself up over it. But I’m learning to like this about myself instead of lecture myself. I’ve begun to think of the way I move through life, as a reflection of the way I moved through my natural labors. (I say natural, because my first labor was an induction -- and I didn’t flow at all, I just survived. Which I guess is kinda like when I try to shove myself into mis-fit home management systems.) What I mean by all this is: I just tune in to myself and do what feels right in the moment. I don’t question it. In Labor I don’t let my conscious mind get into the mix. I just give 100% right-of-way to my instincts. I’m trying to do that in my day to day life.
I don’t have a "clean this, on this day" cleaning system. (Sometimes I do, but only when it feels right.) I just know that some days I can tackle an immense amount of cleaning, while other days I just literally have to do nothing. Clearly, you can imagine that then a some points of my life, my house looks like crap. (I mean, life with kids, life in a reno, and then some --- kind of crap.) But then some days stuff is looking pristine. And average mean is that generally our house is acceptably clean and hygienic. But sometimes you might just see it really nasty before my gumption kicks back up. (By the way, none of this applies to when I was sick-pregnant. Then my house just was in shambles 99% of the time and I didn’t even care.)
The big point to me is that, generally my house stays maintained -- even if it comes in strange waves that don’t match pinned cleaning schedules even a little bit.
BUT I also stay maintained, sanity wise. If I were to try and make myself fit those schedules I would honestly start to die inside. Drama! But I’m a funny flower. I need strange care. And I’m giving myself permission to grow that way. (And thank you Blake for giving me tons of space to function naturally. You are awesome!)
If I follow my natural rhythms, a lot of time I feel like I’m getting NOTHING done. And I feel like I’m moving tiny bits of sand on a beach, because I see a room get painted and I see normal house work fall to the wayside for way too long and I feel like I’m living inside a huge mess. But then when I look back I think “wow I really did kick this house’s butt, even with all the cards stacked against me.” And the only way I could have done this house to to ignore what I "should do”s and how “so and so would do it”s and just move the way my instincts tell me.
I don’t even know why I’m blogging this. Maybe I’m just hoping it’s encouraging to someone else with a syncopated rhythm.
Anyway. Sometimes I have to blog like that. In waves. To keep myself balanced inside somewhat unpredictable natural waves.
But if you’ve been following my blog for any amount of time I’m sure you’ve noticed this trend (outside of my pregnancies where I somehow thrive off weekly blogging.)
I’m in a weird place mentally. And it’s making it really hard for me to figure out what to share and what not to share. There is a TON of messy crap inside my head, and my heart, and my day to day life. And I’m taking steps towards, taking steps, to work on that. But I don’t know if I should put it on the blog right now. I seriously LOVE being open and honest on here. I think there is immense value to that. But some of this isn’t strictly about me, so I’m not sure how fair it is to write about. But it’s so messy in my head that I’m not sure that I’m sure about that. So I’ve just pushed pause in case.
Yet there is another part of me. That’s really happy with where we are. And for me, adding a third baby isn’t where the stress is. Actually this baby part is the easiest baby part I’ve ever been in. But somehow I feel disingenuous to only share that on the blog because it would make it look like I totally have my act together. Which I SO don’t.
I’m having fun showing you postpartum outfit ideas. But it’s an emotional war there too. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m always sporting something that makes sense -- because I’m not. (Ha for all I know you are thinking the things I have showed you look horrible and don’t know why I’m showing you them -- and in that case, woo! don’t look at me on my off days! ;) )
It’s also hard because looking at the pictures stresses me out -- mostly because I really feel like my body let me down this last pregnancy. It’s hard to feel very proud of it. I think I looked fairly similar after I had Ruby as after I had Bronson. But that time I had stayed so active, and ate so well, that I felt really proud of myself postpartum. This time I feel like a disintegrated blob and it’s hard to fathom getting back to a healthy active person again. And the pictures remind me of that and tempt me to despair.
But clothes and capsule wardrobes are fun!
(Anyone else think I sound crazy? lol.)
When I take pictures of stuff around my house that I’ve gotten done, I’m not usually showing you the four dug-through laundry baskets I haven’t gotten to for a week and a half because I use my only free time to finish painting my projects.
I don’t know, it’s a blog. It’s only what I have time an energy to show you about myself. It’s not all of me. And I just don’t want to give the wrong impression. I’m very anti-making-myself-look-more-together-online-than-I-am-in-person. And since I’m wresting out A LOT right now. I’ve just been like “Ummmm……what do I write now?” And that’s been my little radio silence moment this time. And that might mean for some awkward half-blogging from me in the coming weeks and months. (I may only be able to share things that make me look “together” for a bit? I don’t know.) And that makes me uncomfortable, so I might get tempted to blog less. So my waves of blogging might come strongly -- on and off while I wrestle myself. We will see.
I just wanted to be up front with ya.
So all that said -- here’s some pictures and updates for ya.
I just finished the girl’s dresses.
Here’s Jasmine’s sketch up.
And to make her warm for winter I used fleece fabric to make a maxi skirt bottom half. I put slits on the sides at the bottom so they wouldn’t be too tight to walk.
And at the bottom I let the girls pick a fancy stitch design (on new new sewing machine!) so they felt like they were designing a bit more…. Some hearts and snowflakes were chosen.)
And this is the fabric Ruby picked. (I’d like to add a waist ribbon to these too -- need to buy some.)
(We are getting to that almost self conscious 5 yr old smile sometimes.)
Bronson continues to be adorable. Continues to be very easy going and sweet.
And continues to grow like crazy. (It’s like he never will let me finish a box of diapers before outgrowing them!)
I know he’s ready for his nap went he rubs his face into my neck. (Sometimes somewhat painfully.)
I got a new clock in the kitchen. (50% off at Hobby Lobby. I think I live there these days.)
I LOVE it. It totally dresses up the two rooms.
The clock made me want to make the other half of the room look better. I threw this stuff on the walls at the endish of pregnancy just to get some stuff off the floor and on the walls. That coffee sign is just 3M-stuck to an old frame. I want to make it a frame that fits and looks nice. But for now I painted it black to make it more seamless.
I love that Blake comes home to this and doesn’t even bat an eye. We are soul mates.
And then I went for this frame across the way. Which was, once again, just stuck on the wall so it was off the floor, while pregnant. With the hopes that I would come up with a plan later.
And I’m pretty sure this wall needs to be re-thought and rehung. Painting the frame black just really makes me want to get to a “real frame” faster. But at least for a few minutes it’s kinda better. (?)
I’m not really into our chairs, but I like our table.
I’m thinking about giving these a whirl, with some paint?
There are farmy, but fancy. They echo our counter stools.
What do you think about the chair idea? Yea? Nay?
Remember how I said my mantel makeover would stick?
It kinda did. Only I have "nit-picky disease" so I had to tweak the greenery.
I like this much better!
DA.DA.DADA!!! I finished (finally) painting my coffee tables!
I love them! I know that their scale is somewhat “off” for the space. If they were square they would look better from every angle. But I don’t care. These work really well for us. And I think they are really cool.
And that oil based paint was worth every extra minute. SO durable. And I’ve already been able to wipe crayon off of it with a baby wipe (like 17 times in a couple days!?!…sigh.)
In manly news….this is happening right now.
Remember way back when we had that terrible flash flood and water got into our family room?
Well water’s gotten in a couple more times. So we have to do some stuff to fix that. The deck is sort of a casulity of our need to fix the drainage issue. But it’s also just a causality of us not really liking it’s design. Actaully we found under the deck that there is a sump pump down there! Shock! Clearly it’s not been working. So we will see if it’s fixable and how that plays into our game plan moving forward.
I need to look at lots of gardening magazines and pinterest to kinda get a vision for the yard. I’m much more well versed in interior ideas than exterior! I’m sorta intimidated by this. But I do think we are leaning toward a patio not a deck. AND I’m leaning towards a two level one because of our different heights in doors. Something like this -- vaguely speaking. I have no idea where we are at with our patio skills and abilities, and how fancy we can get.
Also our space will probably need only one step up.
But I like the vibe!
And last but not least.
I do plan on showing you more outfits. I have a bunch of pics I’ve been snapping.
But here’s a little something. I’m not actually trying to sell you this outfit as a good outfit. It’s actually something I don’t think I would have normally thought up.
But I just wanted to toot the horn of a capsule wardrobe and the mix-and-match stuff.
I DID NOT want to get dressed on this day. AND I hadn’t put away the laundry in forever. So I just grabbed this skirt, which is all I had to cover my legs. And then reached in my closet for anything to cover my top. And this surprisingly looked kinda ok.
Capsule for the win!