A Lesson I Want To Remember

For me, being a mom has consistently placed me in a lonely, misunderstood spot... repeatedly, over and over again.

• Induction/C-section: Leading to some very unexpectedly deep, long lasting, emotional hurts in me.
• (Almost) No one gets it
• Breastfeeding almost doesn’t happen due to 10 day milk production delay.
• (Almost) No one gets it 
• Breastfeeding (after finally getting established) has to take a week off because baby has liver issues 
• (Almost) No one gets it 
• Second Pregnancy scares me past what I think I am able to bare, due to fears of both how birth will go, but also how that will effect my heart and faith
• (Almost) No one gets it
• Food Allergies, Pet Allergies, Environmental Allergies all strong enough to cause sever issues for my children 
• (Almost) No one gets it
• Third Pregnancy feels like it’s physically trying to kill me for at least 41 weeks 
• (Almost) No one gets it

When I say "almost no one gets it.” What I mean is: in my life, when these things unfolded, the people that I was already acquainted with, generally have no idea how to respond to these things. For a few of these situations I was able to find someone I knew very little beforehand, to connect with in a distant way to help with the basics. For a few of these I was able to find people in paid expertise positions to help. For one situation I was able to find a group that could relate to me (ICAN when hoping to VBAC.) And in a lucky-for-me case, I had a friend who could relate. But as a whole, just talking to people I generally interact with, I was/am an oddity. 

And out of the options I had found to help -- none of them were easy (besides when the friend already knew.) None of those options provided me with a true, deep feeling of security because I knew the place I was finding understanding wasn’t really inside my “regular life.”

     In “regular life” I often get well intentioned advice that cannot possibly be well informed. This can often feels like judgement against my abilities, or if not that, it just makes me feel extra alone because it’s so far off the mark, that I really truly feel am in this by myself.

     And in "internet life” I can get beat up by strangers who hurl words without concern for anything but how the words make them feel. That’s the hardest part about the internet. You can be using it for a great reason, minding your own business, and get hit in the face with something that hurts your heart out of no where because people are so busy typing up random things out of context, and off the subject, and without first hand experience of something outside their experience.

Why on earth am I writing this right now?

Because I want to remember a life skill I have been taught through these experiences. I have it at the forefront of my mind right now because of this terribly hard pregnancy.

I’m writing this to me, for the times I forget.

Because I want this lesson to count and to last.

When someone is going through something hard, you will likely not have been where they have been. 

So you will likely have no idea what they need.

And they might need some specific things which you are not in the position to provide.

But do you know what you can provide?

Listening ears and eyes.

Questions that allow them to feel safe to expound.

No advice. No cures. No solutions.

A simple connection.

Allowing them to open and share.

So they aren’t alone.

You might not be where they are, but you can be with them.