Wednesday, April 29, 2015

31 Weeks Pregnant with #3

This week I’m actually feeling a lot better. I still get nauseous. And still, my least favorite thing in the world to do is feed the girls because it requires me to handle foods I don’t want to see when I don’t want to see food. And... occasionally I still can’t think of any foods I want to eat myself. BUT after 8 months of dealing with nausea, I think I’m just getting used to it and taking it in stride. It’s kinda like Steve Urkel.  I’m used to him, I definitely enjoy my time when he’s gone, but I can handle it when he asks me out for the 1,000th time... he’s just to be expected.



But the nausea is much improved, much of the time, though. (Just not gone.)
This week I’ve started to crave hamburgers, and I’m taking that as a major victory. It’s meat. And I crave it! It’s kind of mind-blowing. It’s giving me hope for eating a bit more healthily by the end of this journey. Not that hamburgers are a staple of health -- but I feel pretty pumped about it.


I will say, one good thing I’ve started to arrive at through this pregnancy’s hardness is a deeper, real-er peace with being me. I was writing a friend about how before I got married I felt pretty much oblivious to what other’s thought about my choices, and I felt very confident in doing what worked for me. But after getting married, and then even worse after having kids, I felt this crazy infiltration into my brain of what others thought and how they thought I should be doing things. And I let that make me feel guilty whenever I did anything because I was sure I was failing. I HATE failing. So this brings me a lot of stress, basically nonstop.
Having to be pressed up against this wall of “I can’t do it any better than I’m doing it” by this pregnancy, has made me stop and look at this habit and kinda deal with it.
I’m not fixed. It’s still super tempting to try and compare myself to others and feel concern for if I’m doing it right. But I’m coming to a better peace on "just do(ing) it” without apology.
Last week, writing out what I’ve been eating this through this pregnancy made me feel very much like I needed to defend myself. (Defend myself against my own ideals, against the many different food school of thoughts, against healthy people in general…) But after having it written out and exposed it gave me a chance to think. And that thinking has made me feel a lot more confident going forward in life just doing my best and what works for me/us without apologizing because there isn’t a right or wrong on this stuff. (I’m pretty sure you get what I’m saying, but since this is written and it’s the internet -- to clarify: I’m not saying I want to be unhealthy. I am saying in the case of food: there are different views on what is the right way to eat, and you can’t adhere to all of them or you’d outlaw every food on earth and die. (You can’t go Paleo, and be a vegan, and do Atkins all at once. And that’s just SOME of the food schools out there.) And sometimes your body literally won’t do what you want it to do -- like eat much of anything. Or say, run a marathon when your leg is broken. So in general, you have to go with what works for you at the current moment. And if there isn’t anything truly wrong with your choices, other than it not being perfect (and nothing is perfect), or it not being someone else’s ideal, there isn’t a need to apologize. And I’m starting to feel less bad/not guilty about that.)

I’ve had all these thoughts before. But this pregnancy is kinda forcing them into being real. This week I’ve really started to embrace them and really actually started to feel that way. It’s just like a calmness instead of stress. I’m not sure how to keep it in place forever -- especially when spending time around anyone who has very strong feelings about random stuff and how it’s “right.” But I think I’m just starting to feel ok with brushing that off and not doing anything more than being ok with me. (I hope to do this without pressing on other’s sense of self. Some of that’s not in my hands, but for the part that is, I hope I can do it well. I think if it comes from a peaceful place, it will flow out peacefully.)

And I have this hard pregnancy to thank for that. It pushed me into that spot and held me down until I said “uncle.” And now that I’m here I can’t say that I mind. It’s gonna be good for me to have that sensation in place as I go through the rest of this motherhood journey, as well as just being a person.

 



I think this not apologizing for being me, is applying to my body image as well.
     You know how sometimes you have thoughts that are just going, that you aren’t really thinking? I had one the other day, I must have seen a beach on a commercial or something. And I thought something like, “That will be fun once I feel better in a swim suit.” But I didn’t feel like I thought it -- it was a sound in my head. And when I heard it I though, “Well that’s just silly. When I finally get my butt to the beach I’m having fun no matter what I look like." If I didn’t have this motion sickness going on I’m sure me, and the girls, and Granana would have been to the beach a few times by now (probably not swimming -- Lake Michigan is still freezing I’m sure.) So once my body gives a green light to live again, I’m living! And that’s that. I don’t care if I’m toned, I’m feeling good and that’s good. I’m really ready to celebrate just the general simplicities of life without the fear that I’m not doing it well enough.


I don’t know if that mentality is playing into this next thought or not. But I’ve been shocked that so far in this pregnancy, not a single person has said to me something about “being ready to pop” yet. The last two times, as soon as I hit 7 months strangers started asking stuff like “Are you due now?", and would look shocked when I said how long I have left.
      I’m prone to say I’ve avoided it so far this time, due to the fact I rarely leave the house during this pregnancy. But I have been trying to make it to stores alone in the evening , maybe once a week ,or every other week, just to get out for a while now. So I have been seen, and have made conversation about my belly -- yet no one seems shocked when I say “June or July.” And actually the other night I got some nice compliments from random ladies.
    I came home and told Blake (because I was confused on why no one is doing the norm of “wow you are huge” comments.) And he said I don’t look that big this time.
     I don’t understand this. I’ve been comparing the pictures and I think I look about the same. And I know I weigh more now than in that picture last time. It’s a mystery to me. So maybe it is that I’m carrying myself less self consciously. Maybe I’ve mastered dressing for pregnancy better than before. Maybe I’m rockin the third time around confidence -- not giving off the “Holy Cow I’m so pregnant!” vibe because I know what “so pregnant” is.  Or maybe it really just is that I don’t leave the house enough anymore. I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve noticed.
(Watch I’ll have jinxed it now, the next time I leave the house 15 people will insist I’m pregnant with triples, due yesterday.) (But I’ll still have that 7th month without it this time. It’s just sometime to take note of.)


All that said, I haven’t hit a zen place or anything like it, this pregnancy. This week I still cried and got stressed out. I let one too many things get to me at the same time and felt like the world was crashing (for the millionth time.) But the nice part is I haven’t lived this week in that spot.

One thing that stressed me out was baby was feeling breech to me again. I was getting lots of bladder kicks -- not finger wiggles. And while I was logically ok with it -- emotionally it was just getting me to that spot where nothing feels right until that’s fixed -- kinda like “hangry”emotions. It was messing with the way I processed anything.

This week it took more than just a 30 second inversion to fix it (like last time.) I did a few inversions a day, for a few days, and still didn’t think I fixed it. So then one night Blake ran to get us Chinese food, and while he was gone I stuck our ironing board on the couch, stopped it up against a heavy chair, and crazily climbed on it and laid upside down on my back. (You can google “Ironing Board Breech” and find pics if you don’t know what I’m talking about.) This was pretty stupid to do when alone -- it’s not so easy to accomplish, and even harder to get out of. Our chinese place is like 5 mins away, so I knew Blake would be right back. But I was pretty stuck. (I was also nervous I was gonna misshapen our ironing board with my hefty self, but it proved stronger than I thought it was.) When he came in he was like “Woah! What are you doing!?” (Being a guy’s not privy the the crazy newsletters us women seem to get in the mail on subjects like laying on ironing boards. He had no clue why I was doing that.) And after he helped me up he was sad he didn’t take a picture to show off the crazy stuff he comes home to. :) Then I continued to prove myself crazy by eating much of my meal on my hands and knees.

But I’m pretty positive it all paid off since I feel kicks by my ribs once more.
(Ok baby, it’s time to let mommy have a sanity break -- stay put!)
(I still have time before it matters, 36 weeks is when it’s kinda a "to-do" -- but you know…I’d like to avoid ironing boards from here on out.)

Anyway,
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything this week in general.
I’ve definitely hit the sleepy part of pregnancy.
I get to the afternoon and my eyes just start rolling back in my head. The sleep is unfightable. Thankfully the girls are good about letting me catch a cat nap on the couch.

I’ve been stalking IKEAs website trying to make sure I know exactly what I’m buying when we make it up there. I’m doing my classic over-thinking-process.

And I guess what I have gotten done this week is that bathroom light. Well Blake did much of that work too.


That was kinda a crazy adventure.
If you feel like reading, here it is:

I had bought a cheap thrift store light and gave it a makeover.

I figured it would be ok. But once it was up I just couldn’t handle a bit of it’s nuances. So I took back the glass shades I bought for it. Then I found 3 other ones for $0.80 at the thrift -- with plans to sell the thing on craigslist. I’ve spent $9 on it total. So I figure I can make at least that much on it to just wash the whole event off my hands. (If not, well it’s just $9, I guess.)
So then I had to set out to find a new light I liked.
This (since it’s me we are talking about) was really hard. I felt like all vanity lights looked pretty much the same. And it felt dumb to pay a lot more for something that looked very, very similar to what I already had. And Pinterest-glory bathrooms don’t even use the over-the-mirror lights -- they are all about the side sconces. And I don’t have room on the sides of my mirror. So pinterest wasn’t helping me.

Actually, here’s the other thing about the bathroom. I had  wanted to switch out the mirror to this pretty octagon mirror (craigslist find.) But the mirror in there is tiled around. And at first I thought I was willing to work with the tile and fix it all for the sake of a mirror. But eventually reality set in, and I decided I’m not. It’s old tile, I won’t find an exact match. It’s an old mirror. I have no clue what the wall under it looks like. It just seems too much. So I conceded to stick a frame on it and call it a day.

That added a layer of confusion to the whole process. I had to find the trim I wanted for the frame, and then see how that would fit around the mirror, so we knew where to place the new light.

For the mirror frame, I wound up finding some very pretty, thick, maple boards at an architectural salvage store here. (If you have anything like that or a ReStore by Habitat for Humanity -- always check there -- you can find WAY cooler wood for a much better price than big box stores.) I got more feet than I needed for $20. One piece of trim at Menards was running about that much, and it wasn’t anywhere near as thick or pretty.

I thought I knew which vanity light I wanted after online shopping. But when I got to the store, right next to it was a different one that caught my eye. After much debate. (And getting side tracked by a third. Which I love but doesn’t fit the right vibe.) I pulled the trigger and got this one.

I think it’s perfect.

 I think it actually looks different than most vanity lights. It’s got a more individual shape. So that made me feel like it was worth it. But more importantly -- all along I had been hoping for something that was kinda glamourous without feeling gaudy or too “try hard.” Part of me had really been hoping to find something chandelier-crystal-ish. But most were too intense for what I really wanted. (And crazy expensive.) This is our only bathtub-bathroom. And I told ya how I love to take baths, so I wanted something kinda spa, kinda pretty-princess... but something that doesn’t reek of that. I had basically given up on that dream -- I didn’t know how that could be achieved.
But this light (link to it) hits it out of the park for me. Those clear beads are just enough glamour to get me that mild chandelier vibe. And the arm shape is just enough princess. But I don’t think it reeks of it.

And once I get the frame on the mirror I think it’s all gonna come together in a blaze of glory.

//Light Source Link//

Anyway. Before we got the light installed…poor Blake….I told him the electrical box he worked so hard on (and put in the spot I approved) wasn’t in the right place now -- for this light and the mirror frame. So he had to move it again. This of course left two holes in the drywall to be fixed. So after he got the electrical done and some drywall in place. I did the mudding, sanding and painting.
Essentially it took us two weeks to get this silly light switched out. And that was really annoying because we had a floor lamp in the room and drywall dust on stuff, and the girls had to brush their teeth in our bathroom (which was also dark because it’s on the same breaker switch.) But it was so worth it to me! This morning Blake had the light wired back up and I cleaned up the bathroom. And let me tell you, every time we get a room close to done I can feel my brain and soul clear up and breathe. I love the feeling.

The only things left in this bathroom are to get some new flooring down. (I think we are going with this.)  

And I’d like to install shelves over the toilet. And then the bathroom is gonna be awesome. Oh and I’d like a new faucet on the sink.(Thinking this one.)
     Someday I do wanna paint the vanity. I’m thinking white. But might wind up going with something fun like turquoise. And I’d like to paint the closet’s insides white (it’s strangely yellowish off-white now.) And I might wanna do a design on the walls. But those are all perks.
I HOPE we get the floors and shelves before baby comes. I think my parents are gonna come help next month and help us get some of these projects checked off the list for my Nesty McNesterson self. I’m very excited about that!


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