Friday, May 18, 2012

I'm gonna go and take a chance...I'm gonna learn to ballet dance

The other day J was climbing on our ottomans in this parallel bars kinda way, and I told her she looked like she was doing gymnastics. This of course lead to some YouTube videos of the olympics, so she could see what gymnastics is. Which landed us on this adorable video of a young girl perfecting her skills over a summer.
J LOVES to watch this video.  She will ask to see it all the time (She calls it "song"), and as soon as it's over she's saying "'gain. 'gain." I'm pretty sure she could watch it for hours.

Well, I quite enjoy it too! And had no problem watching it numerous times.

Actually, my hormonal self ended up crying part way through this viewing festival.

First of all, as a momma of two girls, I am in awe of watching this little girl do some really amazing feats! And I get all whispy thinking of what my girls will be able to do in their lives.
And then I start thinking of my life. And listening to the words of the song playing, as I watch this little girl.

I’m gonna go and take a chance,
I’m gonna learn to ballet dance,

Learn a little something about romance,
I’m gonna go and take a chance.

I’m gonna live a crazy dream,
Impossible as it may seem,

Doesn’t matter what the future brings,
I'm gonna live a crazy dream.


And then I start to see who I was, and who I'm becoming.
I never would have ever "ballet danced" without the c-section.
I would have stayed my old self. I would have left well enough alone.
But here I am "dancing dances" and "climbing ropes" that I never would have seen myself as strong enough to take on before. And its getting easy. And its feeling natural.

"Learn a little something about romance"
Letting God romance me through some of the hardest parts of my life.
Learning that romance can hurt, but that it is still good.
Sometimes our hearts need to break a bit, to open. But a good lover knows when to say when. How hard to pry, and when to just hold.

I watch the gymnast try her early attempts and fumble, but I see her stick the landing as she keeps going. And I know that's what I've been doing. Some of it is technical, some of it is emotional -- learning new things, trusting that its possible.

And I'm feeling more and more that it really is true, "doesn't matter what the future brings." Even if I only ever have c-sections, I've lived this crazy dream. I won't regret one single thing I've done, and in fact I will be so glad I did them all.

In the process I've become someone else. Someone who isn't afraid to do hard things. Someone who isn't afraid to stumble a bit. Someone who has become strong. And someone who wants to become stronger.

And I cry for the beauty of it all.

And then I cry for everyone, ever. Because really, we all live lives that deserve sound tracks. And we are all learning and becoming. And we all are this little gymnast.

I wanna hold the whole wide world,
Right here in my open hands,
And maybe I’m just a little girl,
A little girl with great big plans.

2 comments:

  1. nOT AFRAID TO STUMBLE... that is so freeing. Iam thinking, I am shackled be fear. stupid, when I've got the perfect safety net. G ma

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  2. Hi, this is my daughter in this video :) Youtube lets you know who links the video, which led me here. I occasionaly try and figure out where the views are coming from. I get a little bit paranoid with it now having so many views. Thank you for your sweet blog post. I had her read it. She struggles with confidence sometimes so it made her smile. We have something in common. I also had a c-section and a journey to a vbac. Actually my daughter in the video was my vbac baby! Life changing. Anyway thought I would say hi!

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