Tuesday, April 3, 2012

27 Weeks

In honor of reaching my 3rd Trimester, I've decided to switch it up. I think I will be abandoning the usual format, for a more free form update from now on. It just suits me.

The end of this pregnancy is getting closer and closer.
I can't believe it.
It really does feel so fast this time.

28 Weeks with #2
(I always write about the week before, while posting a photo from the start of the next)

I'm just starting to feel adjusted to everything -- the clothes, the interactions, the sensations.
And I'm realizing it will all be changing again soon.
I'm almost sad about it.

I know I've spent a lot of time this pregnancy worrying and freaking out. But I've also been able to (in moments of clarity) enjoy this pregnancy more than I did last time, in different ways.

  • I don't look for stretch marks.
  • I don't worry about clothes.
  • I'm way less concerned about how people see me physically.
  • I am actually enjoying looking pregnant this time. 
  • When I think about getting bigger, its not in the way I did last time -- all worried about being a "beast." Now I just recognize, in a rather unemotional way, that I will still be growing. (The only emotions that come with that are the ones that come when I remember how hard it is to hoist a 9 month pregnant belly out of bed, for the millionth time to pee at night. Its pretty hard to look forward to that.)
 *Lets be honest, yes, I do feel large at times. Particularly when standing next to skinny college girls in the locker room after a good swim. But I am so much more able to pull myself out of that mental space this time around, and realize all sorts of good things about my body now.
(Speaking of locker rooms, if you are ever feeling self conscious while in one, causally watch the other girls interact with themselves in the mirror and you will very quickly realize that we all feel self conscious in a locker room. And just knowing that can be incredibly freeing.)

Where are my feet?

I am really grateful that I'm not dealing with the emotions of last pregnancy in this pregnancy. (During which I was emotionally devastated to be getting bigger and bigger, even though I knew to expect that -- I just didn't handle it the way I had hoped.)
I mean, I'm having a really rough go emotionally this time, trying to work through my c-section while looking forward to another birth. So maybe all pregnancies have difficult emotions. But I'm just glad I didn't try and combine last time's difficulties into this pregnancies difficulties, I couldn't have stood under all that strain. I'm grateful, to be grateful about at least my shape this time. :)
He said: "More Butt"

I feel more physically aware of this baby inside me, than I was with J, even if I do feel less emotionally focused on her than I would like while I'm working through my stuff. (When I was pregnant with J, I would try and envision her, and it would be so abstract and vague. Like I'd try to imagine a baby and she would just be this little speck in there, or I could only imagine her as an adult. Neither of which helped at all.)
I feel more able to recognize this little one as a baby when she moves. I can imagine holding her.

This week my mom came to visit us

and she took us to get a 3D sonogram.
It was a strange combination of emotions for me.
But I think the best thing I got from it was a pretty big awakening emotionally towards this little life.
I can't believe how stunningly beautiful she is already.
Seeing her sweet little face (and going back and looking at the photos over and over) really started to open up those momma valves in my heart. (Its been a slow process, not an instant one.)

I'm gonna be honest. I've been crazy self focused through this pregnancy.  I'm still wresting that to the ground. But looking at her sweet little lips, cute little nose, soft round cheeks really makes me take breaks from my runaway-train-of-thoughts to remember that God put her on my heart before she was ever here.
So often I have doubted my ability to get through this pregnancy and birth still emotionally in tact. Wondering how I could have thought I was ready for this yet, wondering what God was thinking giving me this intense of a responsibility that I don't feel equipped for.
But seeing her face make me remember the feelings I got soon after J's 1st birthday --- that there was someone God was asking me to welcome. That there was a very certain baby he was asking me to be willing to trust Him with. That there was this moment where I needed to say "ok" to even if it terrified me, because He has a plan bigger than me.
And getting to see her sweet little face inspires me to know it really was Him who called me to this.
Which means I can get through it, even when it feels like I can't.

(I should also say, Little Lady #2 is looking very healthy. She was measuring right on track for 27 weeks. And they measured her to 2lbs 4oz right now -- which is perfect for this age. The tech said she didn't think she would be 9lbs at birth. I liked hearing that, but I already promised myself not to listen to anyone's measurements and birth weight guesses this time around because I know how totally inaccurate they can be. I was just glad to hear she's growing the way she should. )

Random photo of J in her "BeeHat" 
(She loves it. And loves to say it ---"beehat")

My belly has been feeling really tight and full this week. So I'm surprised to see that the measurements I've been taking haven't grown yet from last week. It sure feels bigger! And I think it looks bigger. (What's going on here?) (Maybe my back is starting to curve more?)

My baffled face.
 (Blake says he loves this picture for some reason. So I thought I would indulge him and include it.)

Overall I've been feeling pretty good, except for my inner thighs (mainly my left) have been incredibly sore. I think I somehow pulled a muscle while fitting squats into my daily activities. It hurts to swing my left leg forward when walking. (Darn trying to be healthy -- last time I had none of these random pulled muscles, since I spent the majority of that pregnancy on the couch! This "being healthy" IS good for me, right? ;) )

In random news, we went to see Hunger Games this week.
I was nervous that seeing it was going to make me sad.
And while it didn't make me sad during the movie, it has been endlessly coming back to the front of my mind and disgusting me. I'm starting to think I probably should not have watched it in this hormonal state. Oh well. I already saw it now. I've been trying to tell myself it was just fiction. But its not helping.

I will also say, that during the movie I started to think I was having a pregnancy health disaster. I started to sweat like a manic and was VERY tempted to start disrobing. I had a small amount of pop in celebration of date night, and thought I might be going into some kind of diabetic craziness. (I have had so little sugar this time in general, I thought my body was having a anger fest at having any at all.) But come to find out, I was just fine and not having a health scare ---- everyone in the theater was just as hot and sweaty. (Chalk it up to it being like summer at the end of March this year -- I'm assuming the theater hadn't turned on its air conditioning yet, and with the theater being totally full, it was a sauna in there.) So I think the stress of the movie mixed in with the internal stress I was having (worrying about how I was "certainly going to fail my upcoming glucose test", since this is how I thought I was responding to a few swallows of pop.) It all came together in a very intense, actual sweaty mess that extra-imprinted the movie onto the stressful spaces of my memory! Like I can't detach the stress of real life from the stress of the movie because they happened at the same time.
I don't recommend combining all those factors at once!

In Iowa news: I'm pretty excited over a chinese take out place we tried Sunday night. "Homestyle Chinese Cooking." Some friends recommend it a while ago. We looked it up online -- because we needed to remember where it was --- and people were giving it glowing reviews. I was very hesitant to get excited over it because of what I referred to as the "Ames-effect."
     Honestly, its just been hard to get used to living in a new area. I miss the stuff I am used to. And well, before we moved we were told "You can find anything in Ames." Having never set foot in Iowa, I took them at their word. Apparently, I just have a different take on "anything" than the people making this statement. And this different take has made it hard to not feel disappointed every time I wish Ames has something that I am used to, and its nowhere to be found.
     So, when looking into Chinese food, I was kinda going with the disappointed vibe, and assuming that this food would just be ok, not good.
     WELL, I was pleasantly shocked at how phenomenal it was.
It is by far the best chinese food I have ever had -- or even imagined having. Wow. I think I could live off their hot and sour soup for the remainder of my days!
Yay Ames -- you may be able to win me over yet.
      While reading the reviews online we learned that this take out place seems to have an infamously spicy dish, which apparently is sooo spicy that the owners try talk you out of it. (And I believe this too-hot-to-handle hype, because their standard "hot" dish was not dumbed down for whimpy Americans, it had a very nice kick to it.)
Well... I've marked my calendar -- I have a date with that dish this June. :)
(Hear me little girl? You want to come out before I break out the big guns!)

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