23 Weeks Pregnant

The Belly:

Hasn't grown any on the tape measure.
And I actually, called it too soon last week when I said I was at my 1st pregnancy's pre-pregnant weight. (It must have been a bloated day.) Right now I'm still a pound under that. (I doubt anyone cares, this is just for me and my sorta records. If we have any more babies, I like knowing how the weight went on in the pregnancies before. Gives me piece of mind.)
I'm feeling good about the pace the weight is going on. I'm right on track to where I wanted to be. (Ok well, I mean, I don't think I'm gonna be gaining the low end of the recommended weight gain -- so of course achieving that would be cooler, but I'm still in the on track zone. And that is music to my ears.)



Physically:
I've still been getting over that darn cold this week. (Its pretty much gone now, with a bit of runny nose.)

I had a couple days of my body being really sore this week. My back hurt and my hips were out of control. I was walking really hobble-ly through the store on Thursday.
I was really frustrated with that because I was afraid I was gonna be that way until July. But I'm better again.
I'm not sure what that was about. I had started working on my squats -- to be ready for labor. (Which I had intended on starting right away when I hadn't gained any weight yet, so it would be easier to start with. But hey whatever, at least I am starting now, so I still have months to get strong.) So I don't know if those were making me feel those sore body pains. Which Blake tells me shouldn't happen if I am doing them right. So maybe I was doing them with bad form. But I also wonder if it might just be kinda hard on my back, since I have a baby belly, and guys will never understand that... I have been trying to do them right!

I've been so thirsty at night! Its really annoying because that is when I don't want to have to pee any more than necessary. But I think I've been slacking off on getting enough water in during the day, so it comes back to haunt me at night. I'm gonna start really paying attention to how many glasses of water I have throughout the day, to make sure I'm hydrated.



Food:
I haven't been feeling pregnant-hungry lately. I just feel normal-Lydia-hungry. (Which has been nice.)
I'm actually not all that interested in food this week. Not a whole lot sounds appealing.
The only thing that I have been wanting to eat is homemade quesadillas. And if that doesn't sound good, I've been eating one of my classic foods (pregnant or not) dry oatmeal mixed with peanut butter accompanied by a glass of milk.
Other than that, I pretty much don't want to eat it!
I will admit to eating a small bowl of mint-brownie-chip ice cream two times this week. Honestly, the taste was just so-so. I was really into the cold creamy feeling. (Any ideas on how to replicate such a mouth feel without using ice-cream?)
I have been craving Starbucks peppermint mocha. (I have it with about 1/3 - 1/4 the syrup. Both for the less sugar health aspect, but also now because my tastes have grow to like having less sweetness.) I indulged twice with that this week too! Although I plan to cut back to my normal use of Starbucks, which is just a rare treat. For health, but also the pure cost of the stuff!!



Baby:
I can tell she is no longer laying sideways in my belly, but is now up and down in there. To be honest, I've been sorta obsessive-compuslively trying to figure which side is which. Is her head down? Is that her feet or her hands?
YES! YES, I know, she does not need to be in there the right way yet, there is plenty of time before it matters. But has that stopped me from being ridiculous? No!
Part of what started me on the train of thought was the fact that I could feel her really low down in my pelvis. I felt this twisting kinda grinding back and forth, down there. And so I innocently wondered, "Wow is that her head down that low already?" But as soon as that thought occurred, it promptly turned into craziness. Every time I felt anything, I would try and over analyze it and visualize what it was.

As far as the baby sensations: I'm feeling the low grinding feeling sometimes. (Way more often earlier in the week.) Some little feelings down low (thinking hands?) and big hard moves under my right ribs (thinking feet.)

*This goes in both the "baby" section and the "feeling" section. But I've been feeling frustrated at myself for being more focused on how to get the baby out, than on who the baby is. I feel like I can't really remember I'm having a baby, just that I am facing down a really intense fear, and that in July I will be taking care of a small person when all is said and done.
In efforts to turn my thoughts on to her, rather than her birth, I started looking at baby shoes. Its a small step, but I thought it might help. I bought a pair online this morning. So I'm looking forward to seeing them in person in a bit.



Feeling:
Woah. That's a loaded question this week.
Read on if you dare. Its a long bumpy ride this week.

As you can see, I've been weird about the baby's position. Why? Well you know why... I've learned that the baby's position is a pretty big deal, since J's head position is what kept her from making her way out on her own. (Just the way her head was tilted, kept her from making it down two more inches.)
So with that said, you know I've been emotional over these thoughts this time!
I spent waay too much time on baby-having websites trying to figure things out that I can't figure out. Stressing the crap out of myself!

I'm trying to both reassure myself on having this baby, while simultaniously coming up with all the questions I can possibly have for my meeting that I'm having on Wednesday with one of my "having-this-baby options" (in the way of care providers.) Which involves asking questions about worst case scenarios. Always fun topics to think about!

So I've ended up not only getting myself scared of having another c-section, but also worrying if I am strong enough to go through labor again!
mmm...is there a third option?
"Ahhh why did I think I should host another baby inside me? Ahhh!! I have to get her out!! Ahhhh!"

Then I ended up telling myself to stop being so scared because "if you are scared all the time you are gonna mess your hormones up and keep yourself from going into labor, or keep yourself in fear through out labor messing things up while its happening."
And you know that's a great thing to tell someone who is scared -- "Don't be scared of the scary stuff, because then it get's even scarier!"
Oh boy!

And I can't seem to keep my faith stable. Every time I have a "yay God" kinda moment, three seconds later I freak out again.

I feel like I seriously need to go to some kind of counseling to work through my craziness. (And no that is not an over-dramatic-Lydia-statement. That is a serious, I mean it statement.)
But I don't know where to turn for my specific stuff. (If you have legitimate ideas on the subject, I'm all ears.)
I've asked if our church does counseling, and it doesn't seem like they do. But I might be able to meet with someone and at least talk to them. I'm emailing someone about that.
But I almost want to find a "help me have this baby boot camp" I can go away to for a couple weeks or something!

Also, Sunday I started feeling (probably hormonal for one thing, but also) really lonely. We've been here one month now. And yeah, that means we've been to church all of 3 times so why would I really know anyone yet? Its totally normal to feel really new still.
But its really hard living somewhere where you don't know anyone at all, and walking into a building full of potential friends, without really having a way to make them your friends. All while trying to not have mental breakdowns at any moment, because I am freaking out about having a baby. So I feel like I'm gonna accidentally introduce myself by blurting out "Hey I might be going crazy!" and oh yeah, "Wanna be my friend?"

And in the few appropriate moments, where it was normal to open up here, it usually turns out the same. Most people did not have my experience, so in their effort to try to help they end up telling me things I know already; and in the process they totally bypass my heart and my emotions ---- just addressing physical stuff, like who good doctors are, and ways to get labor going, and saying trust your body, or on the opposite end of the spetrum talking to me about how it would probably be nicer to just sign up for a c-section because then at least I know. I just want someone to talk to my heart, not my body. But then again... it is a strange co-exsistnace. It was my body's experience that effected my heart. But my body healed and left my heart a mess.

Anyway, so when you are trying not to have to carry around a brown paper bag for your occasional freak out fest, its really hard to try and meet people.
And its weirder when I have a baby belly. Because then someone I don't know asks me "Do you know if you are having a boy or girl?" without much more introduction. And I end up feeling automatically defensive. I just plain forget that I look pregnant. So it catches me off gaurd. The question feels oddly personal coming from a stranger. Last time I was pregnant I had someone be incredibly rude and tell me it was too bad I wasn't having a boy (in all seriousness) and I had to restrain myself from killing them. So I feel ready to pounce on anyone who could possibly say anything about not having a boy this time. (And the person asking this time is holding a boy, so I don't know, it feels more possible.) Of course she responses, "Aww two girls, how nice." (But I'm not sure I trust her to be saying what she really thinks.)
And then when the follow up question is asked, "When are you due?" and I answer "June or July" and I get the response "Oh you have a while then," makes me feel weird for two reasons:

First gut reaction: I wonder if she think I look huge or something.... and then I start to need my brown paper bag to breath in, thinking about trying to have a huge baby. And then I think, "Well if my baby is gonna be huge, and I'm huge, why am I going through all this effort to be healthy? Why not just eat everything!" Followed by feelings self consciousness attacking me at the sight of these two other moms nearby, who have teeny tiny babies and no other evidence of ever having ever been pregnant... Cause you know that sure wasn't me in the summer of 2010.

Reason #2 I feel strange hearing her response: I count the months. Four. Four months, till this baby gets here. Four months does not sound like a long time at all for all the stuff I need to sort out. And in the moment, I am specially aware that four months is not a lot of time AT ALL when thinking about trying to make any friends that could help me (a currently panic-stricken-introvert) feel comfortable in this new phase of my life, in a brand new state. Plus I mean, what kind of friend can I be for them? A messy, crazy, soon to be mommy again. I'm not bringing much to the table here.

And so I do my best to make it through this totally normal, kind conversation with a very nice person, without bursting into tears.

Then I worry through church about J being scared in her new sunday school.

And I try to make sense out of what I need to do to trust Jesus as I attempt to listen to the sermon. And I end up feeling more lost with every thought.

And then we go home.

J takes a nap.

And then I do cry.

And when the tears have drained out, that is when the second Starbucks of the week happens.

J:
Well, I already talked about our hummus situation. She's still eating the homemade stuff exclusively. (With the occasional strawberry thrown in the diet.) She's almost done smelling of garlic! yay!

She did a lot better in church this week. She danced like crazy to the music before we took her to her class. And the teacher in there said she did good (and last week they said she didn't, so they aren't just B.S.ing.) So I was glad about that.

I've been having a hard time giving her enough attention this week, when facing down all my emotions. So I've been feeling guilty about that.

She's been loving to make pillow piles on the floor and fall on them laughing.
She also loves to get into our bed at random points in the day and get under the blanket and cuddle the pillow, then look at me and say "too! too!" meaning "you get in here too!" and then we snuggle. I have to admit to LOVING this game. Its really sweet. Plus its restful. Win/Win!

She's really into colors right now. Mainly Yellow and Purple. She will just randomly outburst them as words through out the day. I've been trying to get her to say more colors. And also, to start saying the actual color of the object. Right now "yellow" or "purple" are pretty much her way of calling attention to the way something looks.

She's also drinking TONS and TONS of rice milk. I mean, seriously, she can drain one of the large containers of it in a day and a half. Its starting to get expensive. So I am attempting my second go at making homemade rice milk today.
Last time it turned out pretty good. But to make it taste like "Rice Dream" I had to add sugar. Which is weird because they don't use sugar. Their website says its sweet because of the way they process the brown rice. So I'm trying to figure that out. Because I don't want her drinking sugar all day.
So I'm going at it a bit differently this time.
(If anyone has any experience with this, let me know.)
Whenever I get this all figured out, I'll share my reciepe.