Ask the Audience

Hey Guys,

Sorry I’ve kinda fallen off the blogging wagon.
Partially I’ve just been hunkered down with time consuming decisions (this year’s home school curriculum and various life-routines I want to get going so I can function as a homeschool mom and not let the other things fall to the wayside are my current biggies.)

But I also just feel so very introverted lately. I’m really mulling everything over, deep inside, and just not really even at a point to pull words out of me yet. Still grieving, still pulling my way through the changes therein. I just feel totally baffled about blogging since my brother died. I just can’t put my finger on my “why” of blogging. And I just can’t totally understand what’s of value, and what’s not anymore -- and if I don’t think I have something of value to say, I usually don’t feel like saying it. So I’m kinda stumped all the time when I go to blog.

I often wonder if anything that resonates with me, resonates with anyone else.
     Because, you know, honestly, I don’t need it to. I’m very ok with forging my own way and digging deep alone. I’m gonna keep learning and growing where I want to and need to no matter if anyone’s interested or not. But the question comes up when it comes time to blogging, and spending time typing stuff up.
Lately I have a really hard time not feeling like everything in my mind only applies to me, and so why bother sharing it. (That’s a common feeling for me -- for instance it even came up at my griefshare class --- where the point was to share our grief. But I often let myself feel like my grief only applied to me (as many in the class were grieving husbands, or other family members in more standard, still-connected-relationships, than I had with my brother whom I hadn’t seen for YEARS before he died.) So in the class, I did a similar thing where I just left my thoughts inside for only myself to hear --- why bother someone else with it when it’s totally inapplicable to them?

Generally speaking, I got dealt a very uncommon hand in life, with not just one, but lots of cards many people never have to play, so my go-to is to suck it up and independently deal with it. Because a lot of time people seriously have no clue how to help, so I don’t know how to ask for anything that will get me anywhere. So I’ve begun to think it’s more efficient to be self-sufficient. (It is, but it’s lonely and EXHAUSTING.) (And I’m working really hard on letting people in, but I’ve been doing that more so in person than online, because online has all the extra complications, and no guaranteed personal connection.)

So yeah, I think that’s got something to do with my lack of blogging. I used to use my blog as the one safe place to share this stuff, but I think these days, I’m overly cautious and basically I don’t know if anyone wants to hear anything I have to say. Lately, no matter which angle I take with the blog, I feel kinda wrong for sharing it.
I do try to remember back to that wonderful time, when I asked you guys why you read my blog and was really amazed and totally intrigued by the surprising-to-me answers you gave. I try to use that time as a reason to blog. But I’m feeling extra sensitive lately. And I’m just really nervous to be open, that I could be hurt by doing so. (This clearly has to do with my internal workings, not something you guys did.) And if I’m not feeling nervous to be open, I feel kinda apathetic about it. “Why bother, this affects no one but me?” And if I’m not either of those, I feel defensive, “Why share this, it will only give people room to judge me?” (To be clear, I’ve never read a judgmental comment form anyone on here, my paranoia is getting to me.)

This probably is a combo affect from grief and the DEEP digging of counseling, which is making more come to the surface and be “hearable” by me, instead of just quiet background noise I got used to and ignored. (I’m told this is the hardest part and that it’s worth it because then it goes away. But MAN this feel heavy.) (Crazy thing is, it’s not any heavier than it ever was, I just know it’s there now and that I CAN take it off eventually, whereas before I  accepted it as part of being alive.)

Anyway, that’s where I’m at.
So sorry for the lack of communication. I’m not ignoring you guys. I think about you all the time. And anyone who’s ever reached out to me personally because of this blog, I remember you and hold you sweetly in my heart, and I pull you up from my heart to carefully hold you and hope for you. If you reached out to me I took it very seriously and reverently, and really treasure that connection.

Anyway,
If you guys felt like commenting about what you might want to hear from me, I might feel more confident in going forward.

Apparently I’m not that scared of vulnerability, as I have no qualms about putting photos of myself with no makeup and messy hair on here. (Sometimes makeup and hair just isn’t on my to do list.)

• Do you want to see more of the decorating I’ve been doing? (If so, does it matter to you if I take the photos with my phone or the fancy camera?) (I got so little feedback after getting the backyard photographed I almost felt like the fancy camera was a turn off.)
• Were you intrigued by the Minimalism stuff? (Cause I was planning on going through room by room, then chickened out, thinking it’s not interesting to anyone but me.)
• Do you have any interest in food allergy meals/ food stuff in general? (I just did a month’s worth of freezer meals to prep for school -- which I was pretty proud of all the adaptions I had to make to get this to fit our situation.)
• Do any of you have any interest in homeschool stuff?
• What about more of these home routines I’ve been working on (like my cleaning schedule, or other habits?)
• Do you like when I give book suggestions?
• Do you like seeing sewing projects? (I just made some pillow covers, and am adding decorative trim to some throw blankets.)
• More clothes thought? (That last post got good conversation going.)
• Would you guys like my tips on thrifting/craigslist/design-on-a-dime type stuff?
• Do you enjoy being included in some of my more personal thoughts, like grief? Or would you honestly just prefer to skip that? (Don’t feel bad -- I usually can’t read much of other people’s grief because I can’t carry it all.) 
• Is there something/anything else you are hoping for, that you think I have in me?

Would you like it if I upped the quality on my photography? Would that feel inspiring? Or does that feel like I’m moving over to that unattainable -instagram-faux-life-advertising camp?

I’m so back and forth about this right now. Part of me knows this isn’t a good time for me to really push with my blog because I’m deep inside some stuff, and I’m really needing to commit to my kids currently. But another part of me wants to do something just for me and kinda push myself.

In my pretend world I keep making my blog into something lovely and moving. (Obviously in my real life I leave the blog unattended for weeks at at time.)

I watched someone’s motivational online class about really using instagram well. And I thought, “I could do that!”And that left me trying to decide what I have to bring to the table.
The main thing I could come up with is something along the lines of "affordable, sustainable luxury” AKA living a life that feels luxurious (beautiful) but done with mainly thrift stores, craigslist and wise spending. I feel like that sums up my general" stuff concept.” I think I could put effort into making it instagram cool. But would people care? And if I were ever hoping to really make anything of my blog as some sort of career…how on earth could that happen with that as my focus? It’s not like there are affiliate links to “this thing I found at ReStore and painted.”

And then I think, "Lydia, settle down, and focus on doing the dishes and attempt to get up early tomorrow! Just do that much. (And order more curriculum you decided would fill in that gap, quick before you NEED it. And order the cabinet you need to finish that other project. And…and…and…what blog?)"

ANYWAY

I’d love another heavy commenting here. I just kinda need some reassurance to keep typing.