But I did have a night midweek, where I sat up in bed holding a garbage can assuming I’d puke in it at any second, while I listened to Hypnobabies (the only thing I could think of doing to attempt to have a sliver a sanity. I think I had just about a sliver and that is all.)
Somehow I mustered some up some more sanity for the rest of the week. Although I’ve been really tired this week. Unfortunately I’ve begun to not sleep. Sleep was the only thing I had going for me this pregnancy. This week, I do a lot of laying there awake feeling beyond exhausted. (Who knows what’s gonna happen when I don’t need to take unisom anymore! I might not sleep for a month once baby is here -- not counting the taking care of baby part. I’m guessing I’m addicted to the sleep aid-ness. And I’m guessing it’s already coming back to bite me this week? Like "take even more to get to sleep" kinda thing. But I don’t know.)
Anyway besides exhausted I wasn’t feeling too bad. But Sunday I felt like crap on a stick. From midafternoon until around 8:00pm. Just nonfunctional. And that’s when I re-entered the “I have no more sanity” zone. That zone is honestly terrifying. Because I’m not writing poetically, or with hyperbole, when I say I have no more sanity left, I’m being very serious. The darkness inside me is unnerving. And encountering that can really skew your view of everything you’ve ever thought. The hard thing about this pregnancy is more so that. The physical pain and suffering is one thing. But the emotional toll it takes is what scares me. I’m not sure who I’m going to be when I crossover to the land of un-pregnant. Sure I won’t be pregnant anymore. But I will have walked a dark, dark path. What happens next? I don’t know.
I’m so nervous about it all I’ve stopped looking forward to being done with this pregnancy. And that’s creepy. To have come to terms with how bad this is. That’s creepy. To have stopped wanting it to end. That’s creepy. To be worried I have nothing left to move on with. That’s the creepiest.
That’s what despondent is. When you stop existing, while existing.
I’m not sure how you labor when despondent. (Not to mention physically obliterated.) I’m not sure if you can mother from there.
I’m not sure if it ends.
And even if the despondency ends, I’m not sure what’s under that.
I’m afraid I will come out of this a gross person. Right now that’s what I am. Either despondent, sadder than I’ve ever been, or angry. An angry that I wish I didn’t know I owned.
And I don’t know if those just evaporate with the end of feeling physically bad. I suspect they don’t go away quite the same as the nausea, I expect some scars.
I can’t write more about it (there are many, many, many more words, but saying them makes me feel them more specifically. And get stuck on them longer.) And I’m guessing no one wants to read about it any more. (Maybe you do? I’m constantly surprised to see people checking these posts. So if somehow you find something inside the words, sorry I’m just gonna cut the scary part short.)
Let’s try to remember I do exist and look at some projects I did on the sane days this week.
(FYI - These accomplishments aren’t because I’m good at stuff. It’s because I have to have something more than disintegration left in my world. These projects were a life raft this week. Looking at these pictures may make me seem like I am feeling normal, or am on top of a little bit of something. But just know this is just me scraping by -- the way I scrape is to make pretty things. If my world has to feel horrible, it can at least be enjoyable to look at. I’m not attempting to show off. I’m just attempting to survive.)
Here come the projects:
A LONG time ago (ok, months, not years) I bought some fabric to sew some kimono jacket things. I had been wanting one and couldn’t find one I really liked pre-made. So I found some clearance fabric to make my own. I made one and then ran out of steam for the other.
So this week I forced myself to sew it up. It turned out. It’s not bad. But I almost ruined it by not fully understanding the directions I was following, and cutting it out wrong. Thankfully I was able to savage it by kinda throwing some extra fabric onto the front and calling it good. That’s the nice thing about kimono jackets -- they have no real rules on what they look like, how they fit and design -- as long as they are flowy you are good.
I’m happy with it. I’m honestly not sure how much I will wear it? I feel like it’s something I may wind up ignoring in my closet. Time will tell. (I could care less what I wear right now. So it’s all for later on anyway. Maybe I’ll have missed the boat on the trend by the time I care.) (At least it kept me busy this week.)
Here’s the other one I sewed a while ago.
I actually really like this one.
I wasn’t super sold on the fabric originally, and I thought I loved the teal. But once I made this one up, I was really into it.
Ignore my smile -- it’s so strained -- I can’t do a real one for the life of me these days.
It’s not really a kimono jacket per se, it’s kinda a cross between that and a cocoon jacket, the way I sewed it up. And it’s pretty fun because I can wear it reversibly. I actually like the subdued tone of the “wrong side” more than the normal side so I like it that way most, but if I ever want to I can just turn it inside out and have a bolder print.
So that kimono was kinda to get me into the sewing gear, because I really wanted to sew some covers for my ottomans.
I couldn’t tell if this fabric had a “right” direction. And so I asked on instagram and Facebook. It was fairly spilt down the middle. It does seem like it’s a sort of a brocade design -- and in that case, I have used it upside down. But it also has some kind of other-ness-essence to it, I can’t put my finger on, and in that regard it feels right “upside down."
Since my pillow and throws aren’t very British vibey, I didn’t go with the brocade orientation. In this direction it kinda gives me a gipsy or moroccan whisper -- which feels more in line with what I have going on here. (Besides with it being fairly split on how people saw the fabric, I knew I was gonna have some people think I used it upside down either way I went.)
All that said, I’m loving them. And am really happy with how the room is turning out.
(But you should know the first time around, I made a couple epic mistakes. I had to nearly restart it... twice! So it’s not pure skill over here, it’s just headstrong crabby determination. The second ottoman did go much easier though.)
Moving onto my coffee table. I mentioned how it needs to be refinished someday. A big part of that was this white heat ring on the top. As you can see.
I googled how to get rid of those. And while the concept is terrifying I figured I had nothing to lose since it was given to us for free, and one day I hope to refinish it.
So I gave it a whirl.
The cure is to take a damp cloth and a hot iron and go over the white spot until it disappears.
I was half convinced I would burn the table, and fairly sure I’d make a white ring show up around where the old white ring was.
But to my surprise, it actually did cure it!
If you are really looking it’s slightly white hazy still (and maybe I could have gotten that all the way out, and stopped to soon?) but I’d call it a miracle cure. The table instantly looks in entirely better shape. And I won’t mind the wait on whenever I can get it refinished. (If I ever get there!)
So yeah pretty cool cure. I’m not sure I would have tried it on a really great (expensive or sentimental) piece of furniture -- it would take some major guts -- and I’m not sure how fast I’d rush to doing this again on other furniture -- Just because it’s really scary. BUT on a piece like this, it’s so worth the risk. (In my book anyway -- Use your own discretion with your stuff -- if you’d be devastated to see it burned or looking worse, maybe just skip it.)
The other thing I did was spray paint our piano light. I of course bought this at the thrift for a couple bucks.
It’s all beat up, so I hit it with some Oil Rubbed Bronze spray paint (with my mask on.)
Thinking it would kinda update it/ make it not look so worn out. It’s not like a major change to the room. But it’s a nice touch.
I can’t remember if I showed you we got all the guitars/instruments up. So If I did -- here you go again. lol.
(I still plan to paint the wood plagues wall color white. )
Here’s the room coming together, but not done.
The house in the middle of the floor, was a bday present for Jasmine.
I’m leaning towards selling off that awesome gold and white globe lamp. I am obsessed with it. But there isn’t a great spot for it. And it’s really, really not kid/baby friendly. (The girls are great with it, but I don’t think I have the patience to get through mobile-baby-days with it around.)
I think I have a good lighting plan (without it) in mind for the room. One kids can’t reach.
And when/if I get the energy, I plan to recover those cushions on the floor near the mirror.
If my other two pregnancies’ histories have any say in how long this one will last, I have a week to finish them. Hopefully it’s not a nauseated week of depression, and instead a week of sewing...?
Either way I’ll try to survive that long.
(Less worried about my body, much worried about my mind/heart/soul.)
Here’s a random picture of the girls’ fish.
|Moonlight-Starlight and Lion|
I wasn’t expecting to care much for them (emotionally) but I’ve been really enjoying their company. When I don’t feel good, they are a nice something to watch move around.
It’s kinda like the visual version of the sound of rain falling.
Nothing like that epic flash flood last year. Just kinda a puddle by the door. But either way. Not great.
And the forecast calls for lots of rain this week.
Whomp whomp whomp.
The water table is not requesting any more water. So my guess is more use of our new carpet shampooer ( that we bought this week) to come.
I’m hoping this room isn’t destined fall off our house!
(Oh wait, they’ve changed it so it’s not saying quite so much rain…that’s good. We’ll see what happens.)
Major subject change:
I have found a natural cure that really helps a lot with the dark circles under my eyes.
(I’ve tried store bought cures in the past and they usually feel bad to me and don’t help, so I quit trying them.)
I don’t have any before and after pics. Mostly because I didn’t think it would actually help, so I didn’t take befores. But also because no matter what, I have dark circles under my eyes while pregnant, so I still have them, they just don’t look like I’m seconds away from death when I use this. I’m not sure how well any of that would have photographed. But if it makes me feel like I can see a difference then it makes me happy. So it’s a win.
What is it?
I’ve been massaging Rose Absolute essential oil, which is mixed with jojoba oil under my eyes.
I bought it pre-mixed because it’s cheaper! (Rose oil is PRICEY.) And then it’s diluted to a level you can put straight on your skin. You would want to cut it down if it wasn’t already. *
It’s actually a fairly immediate improvement after applying it. And if you keep up with it for a few days it seems even better. I don’t think it lasts all day long -- By the end of the day I see them back again. But like I said -- me and pregnancy (especially sick pregnancy) = dark circles. So I put it on before bed and in the morning.
(To be clear: I still love me some under-eye concealer these days. But it’s nice to see some actual improvement, without makeup on.)
I also rub the oil into my forehead and smile lines because rose is supposed to be really good for aging and I’ve seen the start of creases there in the past years. I think the rose oil is kinda plumping those lines away a lot as well. So all around pretty cool.
If you don’t like the smell of roses, then you will not like using this. It’s very clearly a definitive rose smell. I find it kinda soothing emotionally -- it makes me think of my grandmas roses she grew by her back door and would sometimes cut one for me. I stop noticing the smell after like 10 minutes, and Blake and the girls haven’t said a word to me about smelling it, so either they don’t smell it, or it just hasn’t really mattered to them.
*If you are worried about using essential oils while pregnant, consult someone who knows. I don’t know. Don’t take my word on it. I looked it up, and I felt comfortable with it for me. I’ve been only using it in the third trimester, and the only thing I’ve even seen (on some websites, not all) is there might be increased risk of miscarriage. But as you can see, I have a womb of steel that can go 42 weeks strong without blinking, so I wasn’t concerned for me.
*Also you want to be careful to make sure this won’t irritate your skin in general. You’d want to start somewhere less sensitive than by your eyes to make sure you don’t have any allergic reaction. (It is from a flower. And you know how I’m highly aware of allergy issues, so this is a potential.) And I’d go easy with how much you use by your eyes initially. The first time I used it, I did feel slightly sensitive to it, so I washed it off after a minute. (I have a bit more sensitive skin.) But all of the next times I applied it, it just felt soothing to me.
I had a checkup today.
Everything looks normal. I haven’t had any cervix exams (besides the one time I couldn’t tell if I was in labor, to see if I was in labor or not) so I don’t know any news on that front. But I also don’t believe in any news on that front. (Here’s a great article on why those exams are pointless.) (And personally they (and 7 membrane sweeps per baby) have been pointless for me in two prior pregnancies, so that’s why I’m skipping them.) So we aren’t checking it -- It wouldn’t have gotten me any less pregnant by now if we had been.
This time vs Last time
Kinda freaked me out to pull up this old picture because the next pictures in the queue were of me in labor.
I’m in total denial stil.
Just pray for my brain.
It’s a mess.