Saturday, June 28, 2014

Just a Jumble of Life

I’ve been having some writer’s block towards the blog lately.

I think it’s a compilation of things.

Let’s just forget about the fact that I’m BUSY, all the time.
And we just had a birthday party!

And we are having another one in a week.

But I think it’s more than that…

We’ve been living in this house for seven months, we’ve owned it for eight.

That sounds weird to me. It didn’t seem like that long ago we showed up here. Or that long ago that we left there. But when I scroll through my instagram I suddenly feel it. I feel those eight months. Ok, that’s not accurate. I already felt the eight months in my bones, but when I look at the instagram feed I know why! I’ve been doing a TON of work!! And seeing it spread out that like makes those 8 months feel like eight months, not just a couple weeks like I been imagining it was. (I forgot about all the snow!)
So I guess, maybe I’ve having third trimester lethargy kick in. I guess I’m feeling big-house-pregnant right now. I think I’m ready for it to be born! I think I’m at that spot where you know you’re not done, but you are close and so you just feel whinny and like sleeping.

 Where you know if you HAD to you could, but you’d really rather do nothing but sleep on the couch with endless episodes of Downton Abby on while you live off milkshakes. (Not that I condone that…it doesn’t give you the best results.)

But I also think I’m starting to get in a groove. I’m starting to feel like this is just normal. That it’s just what I do. So I think I’m forgetting to blog about it. Because it doesn’t seem like anything any more to me.

Oh and full disclosure: All that awesome work I did getting back in shape -- working out and eating well for 21 Days and then some…yeah...I undid it the last couple weeks. Not all the way…but kinda yeah. 
I’m not strong enough to workout every night and eat well all day while keeping up with kids and painting till the wee hours. I need extra snacks to make it through -- especially when I am up longer hours. And I just literally don’t have the time and energy right now for regular work outs. (Despite actually really liking them.) I need my "kids-are-asleep-hours" to go to the house. (And yes, it’s actually just way too annoying to work out in front of them. Jasmine cries because I won’t let her sit on my lap or because ask her to move away so I don’t kick her.)  I gained back about 4 pounds (give or take on the day) of the five I lost. Which puts me at about 4 pounds over my pre-Ruby-pregnancy weight. But I still see my muscle hanging around (with a little love), so that’s nice. I’m calling them my happy pounds. Because I could call them my exhaustion pounds, but…well...when I lost all the weight before it was out of un-happiness with my c-section. So since I’m at peace with most my life right now, I feel like I’m unafraid of these pounds, so I’m calling them my happy pounds. And when I get this house done I’ll work out again. (I’ll try to throw a little in the mix before then too.) Because I really do like how well workouts effect my whole day -- mostly mood related.

Anyway --

I’ve also been grappling with some major life decisions. And I wasn’t sure if I’d share them on the blog or not.  And that’s been holding up my blogging too. The wavering on if I should share, made me not want to write. But I’ve also been really busy in my free time doing research regarding these things. So that took up blog time.
But I decided I would share this stuff on here. (Right now.) I don’t think I “should”/have to/need to or anything. I just always kinda like writing things -- it helps me work it out. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing this stuff.

So here goes -- two major life decisions splayed out in the open:

Blake and I both would like to have more kid(s.) How many? When people ask me how many, I say one baby at a time -- (Lord willing -- seriously God, please no multiples.) Blake would gladly compete with the Duggars for number of kids we have. He LOVES babies and kids. But don’t worry for me, he’s totally respectful of the fact that I’m not so sure about that idea. (He’s awesome.) But he loves teasing me about buying a bus and things like that. And I love that he loves babies and kids so much. It’s really one of the sweetest things ever. (Even if it terrifies me sometimes. ;) )

I always had it in my head we’d have any kids we had, two years apart. We of course did that with the girls. And as of this moment they are SO SO SO adorable together it’s ridiculous. 

They want to believe they are twins. Always trying to be like each other and do it all together. But clearly we didn’t space another one that closely --- or I’d be about to give birth any second now.

     I started to process the idea of a third child about 2 weeks into being a mom of two. And as of that moment I thought "I don’t think I have it in me.” (Of course I thought that! That’s normal. I thought the same thing about two kids right after having one.)
     But I’ve been pondering it too much for too long. Truth be told, that’s actually the reason I started pinning maternity clothes after my pregnancy was over! (My sister in law asked me if I was pregnant again when I first started this madness.) It was my strange therapy -- working towards being ok with it all -- being a new mom again and thinking about doing it all over again later. And I haven’t stopped pinning. 
As of this morning I’ve pinned 880 outfits and have 3,752 followers on that board! lol! I think my therapy is slightly pinterest extravagant. 
But it makes me happy. And it helps me make peace in my own funny visual-lovin ways. (And it’s free! Free Therapy = a good thing.)

So with this house in the mix it’s kinda jammed up my baby time line.
For a bit before we moved I thought I might be able to do the same thing I did the last time we moved -- move while pregnant.
But that wasn’t the direction we went and that was good for us. Because we bought a house that was anything but move in ready.
    (I’ve now stopped making SO much fun of the people on house hunters who complain about the paint colors and claim they can’t buy the house because there is a pink room in it. I mean it’s still the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. But I now understand that when you are painting every room in the house and you are taking care of a family/ and or working full time it’s not easy to accomplish. And hiring painters isn’t cheap. I’d still buy a house with a pink room hands down. But I totally get what realtors are saying when they tell you try to sell with neutral colors!!)
    But yeah, this house...I could not have moved here pregnant and made ANY of the progress that we have. I wouldn’t even have been safely allowed to do some of it - for one thing -- like refinishing the floors! And We would be living in a very,very,very,very,very chaotic place for a very long time if we had been pregnant mid-move. Or more likely we might just be living in a different house -- one I wasn’t as in love with, just because it was done. (I think I know which one we would have went with -- and I know I’d WAY rather be here! For sure.)
So that all said to say, we are trying to figure out when we might hope to add another to our family. I’ve prayed about it a lot. Before we got pregnant with the girls I had a really strong sensation that I needed to be open to a baby at those specific seasons. So far I’ve not had that feeling, and when I’ve prayed I’ve felt as if God was saying it’s ok to wait. At first we had a general date in mind for trying for expansion, but now we have more of a general line we’d like to cross on the house-work-accomplished.
I’m always up for changing my plans if God says so, but if it’s up to me, I don’t want to spend a whole pregnancy rushing through house reno work, just to miss out on that special time of enjoying it and getting time in with the girls before we get back into newborn land.

That’s been a new development, so now with that in mind, it kinda makes me feel strange when I work on the house. It makes me kinda want to rush, and it makes me kind of want to stop working. lol. So as I pull down wallpaper I feel like I’m yanking down my future. And in some ways I feel too in control, and in others too out of control. Which is normal existence…but it freaks me out that I think I can feel it inside wallpaper. I have to force myself to say, “This is just wallpaper that needs to come down. Everything is ok.”

Anyway, In “yeah I’m normal….” News (you guys are gonna think I’m crazy! If I don’t change the subject!): I’ve started to have a mother’s helper come over. She’s been over a couple times now to help keep the girls busy while I get stuff done. And that’s been awesome. It’s also plays into my over-complicated mom emotions. :) But overall I’m so glad I have someone who can come over and make my girls so happy while I get stuff done.

Speaking of over complicated mom emotions….
Is anyone still reading?  Or have I scared you away? Or I bored you out of here?
Well if no one is here anymore that’s actually fine,
this is the thing I’m least excited to place on the internet.
So if you are here…
I’m just gonna rip the bandaid off and say it,
then it explain it. 

I think I’m going to homeschool Jasmine. At least to start out her school career that way.

Why don’t I want to write about this on the internet? Because it’s the internet! lol. And, because people have pretty intense feelings about homeschool.  And I’m hoping no one tries to talk me out of this after reading it. But I think some, maybe a lot, of people will want to. (If anyone who’s reading this has shared negative-ish feelings on homeschool with me ever, don’t feel bad. I in earnest don’t mind, and I totally get it. I wanted to hear your unbiased opinions. No hard feelings. We are still friends. I’m fine if you want to say it all over again later. I get it.)

Why am I writing it on the internet? I don’t know? Cause I’m just crazy enough to. I just always feel better after I get it out there.

I’ve been weighing out the idea since forever. My mom home schooled me for my kindergarten year so the idea was always there. And Blake’s always been dropping hints and tid-bits about how he thinks its a good thing.
But after a while of experiencing motherhood I really started to look forward to school age getting here because I thought of how nice it would be to get that break -- to introvert heal from 4 years of nonstop no introvert-time. So I didn’t really think I would homeschool.
We bought this house in conjunction with me feeling ok with the public schools we’d use. So I’m not opposed to public school at all.

As far as my opinion on school options...
Personally I’ve been home schooled (both my kindergarten year and my freshman year of high school), attended private school and public school. And as far as college goes I've attended private Christian college, local junior college, and private (non-regliously affiliated) college. And my husband grew up in public school and has graduated with his PhD from a State University which he now teaches at. So I think we have a pretty good overview of what school is like from lots of angles. And I see tons of pros in any way you wanna go.

But I started formally considering homeschool probably about five months ago. We had a handful of random moments where people asked me for no reason at all if I was going to homeschool. And initially I was OPPOSED. I wanted time to paint furniture and do stuff in peace. I started having an extreme knee jerk reaction internally away from anything to do with homeschool. I started getting mad at homescool. I started worrying -- lol -- my way of processing seems to be worry. (Geez I wish I could change that!)
So then I started to think about my other option.
This is when I started to grasp how much faith that would take from me on a regular moment to moment basis 5 days a week for 9 months or so a year to send her to school. Faith? What are you talking about?
My daughter has a LOT of food allergies.

If you don’t have a child with food allergies you will not fully understand this, and that’s ok, I don’t need you to. But basically it’s just the idea that you are sending your love-of-your-life (that you stared at 400 times a night when they were newborns, just to make sure they were still breathing) into harm’s way... full well knowing there are very harmful things all round them and you aren’t there to help and not everyone around understands.
 It’s not impossible to do. It’s done all the time. Schools are now very, very aware of food allergies and things are set up in place to keep kids safe. And I know kids that have done, and kids that are doing school with food allergies safely. But the level of trust I’d have to come up with would be HUGE.
The more I thought about it, the less I was ok with it.
I know it can be done. And if I had to do it I would. And I know God’s hand would be on her. And I’d dig deep and trust.
But I don’t have to. I get to choose.

So I started to look into homeschool in ernest. Not just leaving it this vague idea that scared me. (It’s different being homeschool than thinking of home schooling!)
    And the more I looked at it the more I felt a calm peace, like a literal warmness, come over me.
And the more I looked the more I liked the general idea of it, not just the food-saftey aspect. Like falling in love with a lot of the ideals you can have because of it. Really getting into and very excited about some curriculums I’ve been looking into.
So for that I’m grateful. One of those things that I said I wouldn’t do, but end up (probably) doing as a mom. (I am an endless bucket of those -- nearly everything I said I wouldn’t do as a mom, I’ve done. It’s hilarious.) But this could be a really awesome thing for us for lots of reasons.

(If you are pro-homeschooling please don’t jump the gun here and get over excited and attack me with tons of info -- you’ll scare me. Jasmine’s only 4... I still have time to freak out and change my mind! ;) )

I’ve also really tried to take Jasmine’s opinion into consideration. I didn’t want to make her if she didn’t want to. But so far she’s very much in favor of it. (And I actually did want her opinion on this, so I did everything I could to not bias her towards either end.)

For the argument of home schoolers being weird. I hear ya. I’ve met those people! They ARE weird.
But, just my humble opinion: I think they may have been that weird before/independent of homeschool, and perhaps home schooled weirdly because of it. (I’ve also gone to school with some kids (who never homeschooled) that I would have sworn they were “home schoolers”  -- you know what I mean!)
But on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve also met some people who’ve home schooled who are, quite frankly, some of the cooler people I’ve ever known.

I know I’m not anything close the coolest person around, but I’d like to think I’m fairly socially adept. I think I'm prone to dress “normally.” (Paint clothes aside.) I’m not one to hide from the world. I think I have skills to give my kids. I also know my husband has some major teaching skills and is good at the school subjects I’m bad at (I mean like he LOVES the subjects I struggle with. He thinks doing math and spelling are fantastic fun…crazy guy!) So I think we stand a good chance at raising well adjusted home schoolers.

Or at least well adjusted enough to be weird! :)

Weird is not always bad.
Her legs were cold…she’s inventive.

I know people get concerned with socialization, but I’m not worried. Once we have 21 kids they are gonna be SO SOCIALIZED! ;) Totally kidding. There are actually lots of ways to fit socialization into life without being in a school class room. But this post is too long already.

I’m not committing myself to their entire school career. But for now I’ve decided that (most likely) I’d like to homeschool them until they at least can really stand on their own when it comes to food -- like read (the hard to read) food labels and decide if they really truly do have no allergens in them. I’ve read (on facebook-accident) and heard more scary stories than I’d like to, about food allergies going awry. Particularly in school (or camp or things of that nature) settings. It’s hard to expect people without food allergies to be as aware of ingredients as those of us who need to be. This also applies to non-eating moments. Jasmine can get hives from contact with allergens. And there are plenty of art and science projects that can include allergens.

I just feel the most-mom-heart-peace about homeschool for now.

The only thing I’m worried about is my sanity level.
Like I shared, I was looking forward to the break school would give me.
But I’m a mom, so I’d gladly give up my sanity for my kid’s well being. But my sanity also plays into her well being. So…it’s a little tricky.
So maybe be praying for me to figure out ways to renew my mom self while keeping my kids home longer. (And let’s remember, we just discussed how we’d like to add a baby into this mix!…yeah…pray! :)  )

1 comment:

  1. Thanks dear for this interesting share. I liked reading your post a lot. My sister is also expecting a baby and I want to throw her a cute baby shower. I have decided to book some outdoor venues in Atlanta for this bash but need help regarding wedding theme. I wonder if you have any theme inspirations!


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