Sunday, September 16, 2012

Those eyes...

I'm just gonna be really honest.

My heart fell on rough times with God after my c-section.

I know, the idea of c-section is so vague to so many people. And not even many women who've had c-sections would relate to me on this exact matter.
I think a lot of times, the concept is so strange to people that the assume they should address the c-section itself.
But really, it wasn't the c-section. It was just a massive disappointment.
A shattered dream.
A life changing moment that I didn't want for myself.

because I didn't want it,
and because God spoke to me before it happened (to tell me it would happen),
I struggle with the whole "my ways are higher than your ways" thing.

I currently, have been struggling with the thought of, "So when is the next time you are going to mold me and break me? I'm not to excited to let you walk me through another fire... I felt that heat -- I have some scars to prove it. "

It makes it really hard to go right up to God, to ask Him anything.
I feel like right now we are in a stare off.
Not one to see who will blink first, but sorta more to see who will speak first.

I say things sometimes.
But so guardedly.
And rather confusedly.

"Is this guy safe?" 
"Should I bother to ask him for anything, since I seem to ask for the wrong things anyway?" 

Today in church the topic was shattered dreams.
And I got really excited, because I thought "Oo oo! This is for me."
To be honest, there wasn't much in it that helped me.

During church the slightest scent of an idea started to waft my way.

I can't think of a specific movie, maybe because this idea is in plenty of movies, so it all blurs together...
but you know "that" movie where the girl has two guys after her...

One of them is perfect -- handsome, rich, kind, and good. He has the ability to give her a perfect life: everything in order, everything accounted for, everything just like you'd want it to be. I mean seriously, she would be lacking for nothing.

The other guy -- well he's kind of a bad boy. No one in the movie thinks she should go for him. He doesn't have his life together. He doesn't have the money to give her everything she deserves. He's not safe in the slightest.
But his eyes are like blazing pools of mystery, in which she feels this unspeakable connection.

{You know what I'm talking about.
THOSE eyes...
You've seen them.
They are the eyes that could hold your graze across a crowded room, and not for one second would you consider looking away.
There is a lot in there you can't read, but you'd like to.
They are fiery.
They are intense.
They are amazing.
They scare you.
But they scream "Come to me."
And they are holding yours.
And you can see that he wants you to leave this crowded space and follow him
You don't know where he wants you to go,
and he could be a serial killer for all you know,
But with eyes like that, 
all you can think is "I want to be where he is."}

Yeah... those are his eyes.
And he offers her an adventure.

Do you know which one she picks?

The "bad boy."

Every time.

I've been thinking of Jesus as the Sunday School Jesus -- full of sheep and halos.
But really...
He's more of the "bad boy" (Don't get all theological with the words here... feel with me, here.)
Maybe he isn't safe.

But maybe safe isn't what I want.


I wanted to end the post there -- on this romantic heartflutttery moment.

But lets be real.

She picks the bad boy.

They go on that crazy speeding car ride (glass shatters into her hair) / the fervent horse ride through the woods (branches whip across her skin) / the dizzying train trip, racing down the tracks (she struggles to hang onto the train's roof as the world whizzes by her)...
and in the movie
they live, they kiss, and it's over.
We all think, "She picked the exciting guy -- good for her!"

She picked the bad boy.
She picked the not safe guy.
She picked the one who doesn't have her life ready for her on a sliver platter.
She's gonna have moments where the scraps and cuts she got on those crazy rides are gonna hurt.
Her arms and legs a cut to shreds by all those branches!
Do you even know how tired her arms are from holding onto a speeding train in the wind!?!}
A kiss isn't going to take the pain away.

She is going to have real moments of doubt.
"Maybe I should have picked the other guy.
Look at me, I am a mess."

She is going to have to face the question now...
Are those eyes worth it?
Or are those blazing pools of mystery too scary?

I haven't gotten to the end of this movie.
But my gut tells me...
she'd let those eyes lead her anywhere.

I think she just has to stare at them a little while longer.
Maybe in silence.

she'll get back on that horse/train/car,
and face those branches as they give her new scars,
all because she can't resist the bad boy.

I mean seriously.
You've seen those eyes.

- - - - Just let me sit and look at you for a while. - - - -
I want to try and read what's in there
 for a little while longer.
We both know I'm a goner anyway.

Thank you for never looking away,
even when I do.

1 comment:

  1. randomly came across your blog. something on pinterest linked here i think. anyways... just wanted you to know that I totally GET that whole "not wanting to walk into the fire that scarred me, by trusting in your leadership again because wow it's so hard sometimes"! I didin't have an unexpected c-section, so can't relate to that... but I did wait 10 years from my first pregnancy to have my second child (because I was a single momma and waited for God's perfect timing for my hubby to arrive) and then I had a missed miscarriage during my first slightly rough year of marriage, being 16 weeks along until I found out my baby wasn't alive in my belly anymore and was with God, but then not miscarrying for another 7 weeks... and then my daughter had a random seizure which still isn't easy to even type the word... then my best friend's daughter had heart failure at 3 months old (and is a living miracle at 1.5 now with a heart transplant success)... man! I did get pregnant again just a couple months after the miscarriage but that whole 9 months was like so much fear and uncertainty... and I've been on such a similar journey, knowing God is trustworthy, not because He's safe! but just walking out trusting Him again. It could seriously have been me that wrote this! Random to me, but God knows. I'm pretty far past it, my baby is 1 now, but what a rough journey. Like "can I trust him?", "is he safe?", "Is life's pain and sacrifice always going to take my breath away or will I somehow get used to it?". thanks for writing this! so good! Jesus is definitely that OTHER guy. the not so safe one.


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