I haven't felt much like writing here lately.
Mainly, because I am really whiney.
I don't want to lie and write a bunch of happy fluff on here.
Because I've been trying to be as honest as I can muster through this pregnancy.
But I also don't want to sit down and commiserate, because it doesn't do anything for me, but get me going on longer and longer complaint-festivals.
I guess I could tell you about last Tuesday...
We made a plan to get this little girl born.
I was to start castor oil at 6am.
Follow it with another dose at noon.
Go into my prenatal appointment at 3pm, and do a membrane sweep.
And then get this baby out here.
I was all for this.
We all thought it was for sure.
I had my mom come out so someone could be with J.
I started the day with my brave face on.
I didn't think too hard. (A pretty big feat for me!)
And I swallowed my fate.
Yeah, castor oil is something.
The first dose I didn't think was too hard to swallow. (It was mixed with Orange Juice -- by way of the blender.)
Its just thick. It doesn't taste like much.
It takes a while to work.
And when it does start to work...
make sure you are by the bathroom! (For hours.)
The second dose was definitely grosser. I think because I knew what was coming.
I was seriously advised to wear a pair of depends for my car trip down to my membrane sweep.
I did, because once I felt the effects of the stuff, I knew a just-in-case-layer was a good idea.
Thankfully, I didn't actually need that safety net, but I was glad it was there.
I definitely had contractions all day.
They were stronger than I had been having to date.
But I still knew they weren't turning into the real deal.
By the time I was to my appointment we were all disappointed I wasn't in "rip-roaring labor" yet.
But we hadn't given up hope yet.
Did the sweep -- even MORE thorough than last time (which I had though was pretty darn crazy thorough) and more primrose oil applied.
Blake and I stopped for dinner on our way home.
I was having contractions, but I figured whatever, lets have date night, my mom is watching J.
It was an interesting date night, as I spent the majority of the date in the bathroom there.
By bedtime I knew it wasn't happening.
So that was my castor oil story.
Add that to the list of things for people to tell me will "for sure" get me into labor, which in my case does not. (Its a long list!)
I guess I can stop wondering if it would have helped me avoid the induction last time around.
I'm not opposed to trying the castor oil again in the near future, but I was told I need to take a break before I do.
Since then I've had plenty of contractions. But I've stopped mentioning them to anyone. A lot of them seem quality, and like they are coming around long enough to mean something, but thus far they are all just prep work. However they are starting to feel like cruel head games.
I think whenever the heck labor does start, I'm gonna be in total denial, because I'm to the point where I refuse to care about these crazy sensations anymore. I'm gonna just keep saying its not it yet. I've got the little girl who cried wolf in there.
I realized the other day I've had pre-labor (like I think I might be in labor, type of contractions) (and that's not naivety talking, I do know labor) symptoms, on and off, for more than a month now.
I'm starting to have a hard time sticking to my guns and staying in a positive mind frame about how my body wants to do this. Its starting to feel like my body might be like a car engine that just can't quite turn over.
I'm spending time at the gym. On: the treadmill, elliptical and stair stepper. Just in case one does something better than the other.
(I haven't been swimming because I don't think it will coax her out.)
Last time I walked about 4 miles between the machines, and climbed about 8 flights of stairs. I wasn't too impressed with my stair climbing --- I went as slow as the machine can go, since I don't feel to confident that I won't fall off of it in the large bellied state. But I was happy with the 4 miles. I don't tend to walk that much in a normal state.
So no one tell me to walk or climb the baby out. I am. She just doesn't know it.
Lately I'm having a really hard time not getting crabby thinking how unfair it is that my short little body likes to hang onto huge babies for the length of an elephant's gestation, where as it seems most other people I know get to pop out cute little babies from their tall slender bodies before they see the number 40.
I'm also having THE FREAKING HARDEST TIME with food.
I've already admitted to my food insanity through this pregnancy.
But now that I keep getting told this is a big baby (despite all my efforts) I hardly want to eat anymore. But then I was also told in the same breath that being undernourished is one of the fastest way to get yourself out of a good labor pattern. UMM. How am I supposed to reconcile those two things?! Please stop telling me how this is a "substantial" baby!
Soup and salad. Yeah soup, in heat advisory weather.
I just don't know what to eat anymore.
Oh yeah, and my body is doing it's thing that it did last time, where it starts putting weight on faster the last couple weeks. Yeah. That's always encourging. Especially when you are going crazy with big baby thoughts!
I'm not eating any differently. I'm probably eating better and less, just because its hard to want to eat!
Like I mentioned my due date got moved back. So that's good.
But it's also mentally draining.
How much longer can I take this?
(How much more time am I gonna give this baby to grow inside!?)
I seriously continually question God on that. I mean, He knows how mentally unstable I've been for this. I cannot comprehend why he thinks giving me enteral pregnancies is a good plan. His ways are DEFINITELY not my ways. "My ways" would have my baby being 3 weeks old already. Clearly, that's not the case.
I'm having a bit of a time not throwing tempter tantrums in His face.
I should say that if it weren't for my "pregnant eating disorder" (ok, not really, but basically...) being pregnant still isn't that hard on me. Yes, getting in and out of bed, and rolling over sucks really bad. But I'm still feeling healthy and much, much, much more able than last time around. Its just this whole eating business thats killing me!
Well, that and the fact that I will NOT allow myself to be in any position I deem bad for baby positioning. That gets old. I can't wait to just flop onto a surface and not care.
But anyway, my happy thought is, my body is handling it better this time than last. So good job, body. Lets keep things happy and move onto the next phase. This is not a permanent job, it WILL END! Please be a part of the ending!
So I wait some more in heat and humidity.
The one thing I can continually say praise for is Air Conditioning.
(I will never forget reading a novel with a pregnant main character back before A/C -- she was living in a tent in the summer with flies landing on her sweaty body all day long. I would kill myself!)
I cannot be thankful enough for Air Conditioning.
And I do feel a little better than I can be grateful for something at this point. Because if you entered my mind at the moment, its not a cheery place.
Thats where I should end.
I do have happy thoughts SOMETIMES.
They just are easily overrun.
Pray for my brain!