I'm definitely feeling a little pregnancy burn out. Mainly in regards to eating.
I've sworn off sugar till she's born. Like I mean I'm really not having any of the white stuff at all, (I was ok with having tiny amounts of sugar before, but now I'm down to none!) now that baby is about to be putting on an average of 1/2 lb a week. (I'm hoping to keep that number accurate, not become an inflated variation.)
So let me tell you --- I've spent a large amount of my time this week talking about all the things I plan on eating in July. I'm starting to freak Blake out. Here are just some of the things he has been listening to: I need to have one of those grocery store cake sized chocolate chip cookies waiting for me when this baby comes out. I also want to eat: banabread. Then I start listing off everything I can think of... J's bday cake. New baby needs a bday cake. I may need a very late bday cake....and Blake probably does as well. Frozen lemonaid. And basically everything I've ever seen posted on pinterest dessert wise. (Oh my gosh, everyone, stop pinning awesome desserts already!! :) )
I'm either going to be packing on "pregnancy pounds" the month after I have the baby....or more likely I will not be eating everything I day dream about on an hourly basis lately. (But don't tell me that right now!)
Actually I suspect that when it comes down to it, I will think this stuff is too sweet since I honestly think frozen bananas blended in milk is a milkshake nowadays. But has that stopped me from whining? No. Has it stopped me from hanging the sugary sweet candy carrot on a stick in front of my face in hopes of lasting to the end? No. I need something to keep my tooth off the sweets!
When it comes down to it though, my real problem with food is that I just don't have a taste for anything for most this pregnancy. Its so different than last time! (When I had a taste for everything!) I don't know if its mental -- with all my intense attempts this time around. Or if it is just how this pregnancy is. But it's been really trying this week for me. It makes grocery shopping, or the thought of it make me want to throw grown up toddler tantrums.
I just don't want to eat anything, unless it is a smoothie or a burrito. (Weird I know.) (A burrito from Pancheros, since we don't have Chipolte in Ames.) If I can't have the burrito, I only can stand the idea of a smoothie.
(Although I have a feeling that Week 32 is about to be filled with Chips and Salsa...an extension of the burrito.)
I was pleased to find out that if I throw some white beans in my smoothies, I can't even tell they are there. So I feel a bit better about my protein intake with that included. My smoothies have also had a pretty good amount of homemade peanut butter in there.
I've also had eggs for breakfast maybe 50% of the time this week. (Not that I really like them.)
Other than food, I'm feeling pretty great. No real pregnancy pains or anything. (I think seeing a Chiropractor is taking away all my pregnancy hip pains that I was used to! Nice!)
Only tricky things right now are just rolling over in bed, or getting out of bed. But I've figured out that for rolling over, its much easier to roll over with the belly under me, than over me, and that makes the whole process that much simpler. (I can't believe I didn't figure that out last time I was pregnant!) (I roll a lot at night.)
So remember that weight I wasn't to happy to have gained so fast, from our hospital stay last week? It disappeared. I was really surprised about that. I wasn't trying to make that happen. Actually I didn't even think that was possible. I always kinda thought once the pregnant pound was put on, it wasn't coming off until the baby was out.
The fact that it went away keeps making me feel weird --- like I keep second guessing myself on if I did that on purpose, and if I am "pregorexic." (Learned that word like 3 years ago from Tyra Banks! lol.) I know I'm not. Its just that I seem to endlessly scold myself anymore. So why not try to freak myself out about one more thing? Why should I be able to eat healthy this time, without chastising myself for the opposite end of the spectrum? Its ridiculous! I need to give myself some space! (Sheesh, Lydia, a pregorexic mind would not be adding stuff into smoothies to make sure there are more calories, you are totally fine, and taking care of your baby. And lets not even talk about the calories in one of those huge burritos that you've eaten like 3 of this week! That's so not pregorexic food! Chill out brain! Leave the poor girl alone, will ya!?)
Anyway, my belly has grown like a half inch or an inch this week. I couldn't decide. Depends on how I hold my belly, and I couldn't tell what was normal, if I was sticking it out or holding it in. lol.
Swimming. I'm definitely big enough now that getting in the water feels awesome. I've got that whole "weightless" belly phenomenon happening for me now -- its fantastic. I even feel "speedy" in the water now. I'm so not at all --- never was, the other swimmers have always whizzed by me. But whether its true or not, I feel like right now I can swim faster than I can walk --- due to my fabulously unpregnant feeling baby bump, being held up by water.
I can't recommend being in some form of water enough to any pregnant lady! You don't have to swim laps, just get in and enjoy! I don't see how you could be dissapointed!
This week J and I took a just-shy-of-a-mile walk around the neighborhood. I was really enjoying it -- the weather was perfect. But about 3/4ths of the way through, I started having some pretty strong braxton hicks. They were not only uncomfortable, but I could feel the discomfort down in "the birth canal." I didn't know wether to be excited about it (thinking about how I surely will go into labor on my own this time) or freaked out because I was only 31 weeks. So I would take breaks to try and keep them from being unsafe. J would say "break?" every time I stopped the stroller. It was pretty funny.
I haven't taken any more walks since then. Partly because it freaked me out, but the choice was also aided by the weather being chilly and rainy nearly every day after that. I'm gonna double check about it at my appointment this week. I haven't had any Braxton Hicks apart from walking this week -- just a couple super light ones when nursing. (I'm weaning J back down to only before sleeping now that she's feeling better again.)
J's starting to put words into sentences this week. I'm impressed. She went from very few, very easy sentences, to trying a lot of different sentences. They still aren't complete, but they are great. Her best ones are from songs or stories. "Mary had lamb" "No monkies bed. Bump head." But she also is trying to reply in sentence form. At lunch yesterday she dropped some food and said "I dropped it!" and I asked her "what did you drop?" And she sqiunched up her face in thought, and said "I dropped..." face squinted up even tighter but just couldn't finish her whole thought with words. But I could tell she was so close. (That was the first time she responded to a question with more than just the answer --- with the full sentence opener.) It was adorable.
(yeah, that's eye shadow in her hand and smeared on her shirt)
This week I also got her a pillow. I wasn't sure how old kids should be before you give them a pillow, so I had held off before. But at the hospital she had one and loved it, so I got her one for home. (Plus I know a lot of kids her age are going into toddler beds with pillows, so I knew it would be fine. I'm just not ready for the toddler bed yet (I like the crib confinement aspect, no room escaping) -- I'm gonna wait till #2 is a few months old and needs the crib.) Anyway, I sewed her a flowered pillow case. and she LOVES it. She talks about the flowers on it so happily. And whenever I tell her I'm going to lay her down now, she says "Pillow!?" all excited. It makes her sleep process a really cheerful one. Its great!
She's really into kisses ("Tishes") right now. She gives kisses to pretty much everything. And we have "kisses wars" where she will grab my hand and give my fingers a kiss, and then I kiss her back, and we go back and forth over and over till we are both laughing too much to continue.
We also had a really cute sonogram-looking-session together, where we talked about the baby and how cute she was and how J wanted to give her "tishes."
And that was followed by dancing together to a song while J looked delighted beyond words. (She is such a music lover!) (Part of her name meaning is "lady of song" -- I feel like God knew exactly who she would be.)
She's also been taking potatoes in the pantry and putting them in the crockpot in the pantry and "cookin." Too cute I tell you!
Anyway, I may spend an hour on J if I don't stop.
I'm feeling little miss #2 get stronger all the time. And wow does she get a lot of hiccups. As I'm typing she is going through her third round of the day. Unrelated to hiccups, I can feel her but rise up under my right ribs all the time. Sometimes she punches my left hip bone and sends a jolt down my leg. And sometimes she does this crazy something down there, that I just cannot explain, but I told Blake it feels like she is biting me -- I doubt that's what it is, but I can't figure anything more descriptive.
This week I've been so much more calm about this baby's delivery. It's really helped me to stay calm learning how to feel that her head is down.
And I've been thinking about it, and oddly enough, having the total freak out fest over her possibly staying breech, gave me a break from my previous fear of not going into labor. Somehow in the midst of everything I've stopped worrying about that. (No promises for my mental state the end of June.)
So in a way, something that seemed just completely horrible for me mentally, was actually a blessing. Because I never saw myself getting over the not-going-into-labor fear until I was actually in labor.
I've been pondering these verses. (Well it would be more accurate to say God has been prompting me to ponder these verses, as they have been placed in front of me more often in the last week than they have in years):
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. —Isaiah 40:29–31
I've been getting a bit irritated while running into these verses so often this week. Because well, I don't know if I feel like it is true. I feel emotionally drained, nearly all of the time.
Which is pretty disappointing, when coming up against this verse.
But... after enough run ins with this verse...
I decided to look up the definition of the word "weary"...
to see if I really am weary or not...
and well, it means: exhausted in strength.
Still felt that way, so I then went on to look up a bunch of words:
- "Exhaust" means to consume entirely (so empty a vacuum is created); or to tire completely.
- Two definitions of "strength" that stood out to me were: "Power to resist force." "Power of resisting attack."
And in looking up "faint" some of the definitions besides the obvious"pass out" are:
- "lacking courage and spirit"
- "lacking strength or vigor"
- "hardly perceptible"
- I'm not so empty that a vacuum has been formed. I get tired and cry but, I recover. I'm not an endless void of nothing, I'm actually quite full of hope. (It just scares me.)
- As terrified as I have been, I've never felt without courage and spirit. I think I've had to have more courage in the last 8 months (actually even longer) than I ever have in my life. Not just in submitting to the call I felt in my heart to have this specific baby that God wanted to give us --- and facing the fears that come with that. But also in trusting God for our entire future: Blake's job, Blake's graduation, a new place to live, our old place we used to live in needing to sell, the idea of paying for two places we've lived at once on a pretty tight budget, and trusting God to be here with us in a strange new land.
- As weak as I've felt, I've never seen myself as without strength. I think I've had to resist more force, and even attacks, recently than I may have ever imagined having to for any reason. (Maybe I'm not that creative, in the subject matter...but yeah why would I imagine this stuff?)
- And nothing about me during this pregnancy, and massive life transition, has been "hardly perceptible." It's been hard as all get out, but within that I guess I have become vibrant, not faint.
So, when I break it down (and don't just have an emotional response to how that verse makes me feel in passing) I realize how incredibly good God has been to me, in making this verse more real and more accurate for me than it's ever been before.
And, wow, I am really grateful He started prompting me to examine it, hold it, and test it --- instead of run from it.
Because now after looking it through I feel even more renewed.
I'm starting to see that in fact, I have been soaring,
its just that soaring might not be as easy as it sounds. It may just take a lot of muscle for that eagle to stay up there in the wind. But doesn't change God's promises.