It really tied the room together

We  interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this important message:

I found a rug! 

Well two rugs. 

Well, two rugs, but only one has arrived so far.

Ta da! I am in LOVE.

(Oh by the way, please ignore the painting over the couch -- it’s my placeholder. I have a project in mind for the space that looks better and fits the space correctly.)

It feels so great with a rug in there -- it’s so “officially a room” looking! 

Her name is, Safavieh Cholet Vintage Inspired Rug in Purple and Fuchisa.

But first -- obligatory back story.
I’ve wanted a rug in here, always. I knew I needed to wait till the room was pretty together. So now that the room's getting there Blake and I decided I could shop for a rug for my birthday present. (For me that's a fantastic present.) (I should also mention my parents also gave me the fantastic present of shopping for an new entryway light. What sweet family I have.)

I decided I wanted to get a traditional looking oriental/persian rug. I really want the room to have that eclectic musician vibe -- kinda fancy, kinda funky. I don’t see any other type of rug pulling that off.

Emily Henderson helped me figure out I needed at least an 8x10 sized rug for by my couch.
I wound up buying an 8x11’2”.

And then, without her advice to help, I opted to go for a smaller size (of the same matching rug), which I will angle, at the back of the room. It seemed weird to just set a rug square back there with the furniture not being much and with nothing to sit on.

old pictures to remind you the back of the room 

I don’t have my second rug, but I plan to angle it off the amp and shelf on the left of the doors. It’s a 9’2"x6’ 11” -- I really hope it works the way I envision it. Cross your fingers for me.

Anyway….

The other night my mom babysat while Blake and I went out to dinner. After that we did some rug shopping. It was actually a very fun date.

We thought we found one that we liked, so I bought the tiny door mat size and brought it home to see in the space.
It didn’t make me happy. It was just ok. It was mostly tan with a small amount of blue. And it just kinda blended in too much.

So back to the drawing board. My mom was in town for a few days so I got to run around town looking all over at stuff.

I started that search by stopping by a “real rug” store (this one.) I’d never looked at nice rugs before, and I knew they could be pricey, so I wasn’t expecting for this to really work out. But I had to check.
That experience was both the best and the worst. The best because: I could wax poetic for hours about how stunningly beautiful those rugs are. (I’ll try to hold back for your sake.) The quality was something I’d never experienced, so it was….I don’t know, like walking into Downton Abbey, or something. The fibers they use can hold colors I’ve literally never seen before. (If you clicked the link to see the store -- those photos cannot even hold a candle to seeing them in person.) Generally speaking, I’m not a red person -- I usually feel kinda irritated by reds. But there was a red rug laying out in that store -- it was made of silk. It was a bold red, red, red and only red was on this rug. I could have stared at it all day -- it was gorgeous -- deep and and like you could swim in the layers of shade and sheens . And…. let me tell you -- touching a silk rug is an experience --- a very nice experience.
It was the worst because: you can imagine the price tags on these beauties was not in my target price range. I’m actually not sure how anyone can bring themselves to walk on these things -- they are both so beautiful and so expensive. (Although the desire to feel them on my feet does weigh in that balance.)(But I stopped looking at price tags when I saw $5,000ish on one of the first few I flipped.)  There is seriously no way I could fathom having one of these rugs with kids, unless I found some kind of magical deal.
(By the way one of my favorite blogs littlegreennotebook, recommends finding great deals on rugs on ebay. She has found magical deals. But the way she describes it makes me think it’s not for us, with allergies to contend with. If that didn’t matter, I might have considered it. But it’s not worth it for me. Well not to mention, I wanted two rugs for my long room…that would be very hard to get right -- mistmatch in a good way is not easy.)

So I moved on and looked around else where in town.

By the way, if anyone is local and they are looking for a 5x7 -- check out Flooring Depot in Champaign. (It’s on Anthony Dr.) They pretty much just have 5x7s, a few are a smidgen bigger. But they have some really nice quality rugs for very, very discounted prices. (Some stuff is not quality, but some was very quality.) I’d go back if I find I need something that size ever.

But I found nothing in person. So I started my online hunt.
That was overwhelming. I got very confused on which direction to go. I was all over the place, both in design, and where to buy.
But I’ll try to make my mental path look straight and tell you how I got here.
I pined over those nice “real” rugs. I mean I saw them in my sleep.
I got discouraged, thinking I wouldn’t be able to pull off a look I liked.
I looked at lots of Pinterest photos of rooms with nice rugs, trying to get the essence of them down. Pick up on patterns and colors that feel right, so I could avoid ones that feel wrong.
It seems like most traditional rugs are variations of reds or navys. Of course there is way more out there. And if it’s a real rug, it looks real. But I was trying to figure out how to make fake look the most real. So I wanted a known commodity playing into things.

Blake and I discussed how we were starting to feel like red/warm rugs were what we needed. And I tried to pick up on that idea, when I looked at photos of rooms to make sure that seemed right. And it did seem like the way to go.

After I got enough of that, I started looking through websites. I’d cross reference Pinterest as I went.
I tried all your standard online sites (wayfair, overstock and the like) and big box stores' online only stuff. Surprisingly enough, I first spotted this rug on Walmart .com. Which made me leery. But the look was good.

What I liked about it was it was red -- but not red, red. At the “real” rug store I had seen this special red (not the one I was talking about before) there that was kind of a fleshy wine red, that somehow made you think of pink, even if it wasn’t, and it had this lovely sheen on it. This rug reminded me of that. And I really liked that. I liked the pattern. And I liked that it said it was low cut pile -- less chance of showing it’s faux-fiberness.

So I googled and googled (using variations of the name, mostly shortened up enough versions were what worked) and found it sold on many sites. Amazon. Home Depot.  (They had more photos of it than most websites.) I think Wayfair or Overstock had it too. (I think it was overstock where I found the only review on it, saying it was beautiful but that it was more pink than they had hoped for -- but I actually liked the sound of that.)  After searching I found it sold on Houzz.com right now for a 40% spring sale. It was a GREAT deal. I didn’t know you could buy anything off that site, and I’d read bad reviews on OTHER sites about shipping issues, so I didn’t know how good of an idea it was to risk this big purchase on something unknown. But I figured I’d go for it.

I’m so glad I did. I ordered the rug on Sunday night. It estimated my delivery by March 2 -12. AND THEN, my bigger rug showed up on Wednesday night! Two business days! (It was free standard shipping.) I have NEVER gotten anything so fast. It was amazing. (I hadn’t even been tracking shipping because so often I’ve experienced a couple day wait before that information will even load.)

I’m not getting anything for writing this post -- I’m just excited and happy with my purchase.

So let me wax poetic about how much I love this rug.

It’s made to look old  (Which confuses my kids. And may confuse some adults. But I’m in this for me. I think its beautiful.) So it has places that look darker, kinda dirty. But I don’t think it looks gross. It just looks like I bought an antique rug.
This rug’s fibers  -- for a manmade fiber (viscose) -- it feels amazing. It’s clearly not silk. But of any rug I’ve touched that wasn’t inside that “real rug” store -- this is the nicest, silkiest, feeling rug I’ve felt. It really does remind me of the silk rug -- and that wasn’t something I was expecting.
It’s very thin and flat -- which makes it feel more convincing, and nothing like so many rugs I touched in the big boxes. (It rolled out and laid flat with no issues at all.)
The low cut, silky fibers gives this rug a big dose of sheen. Which I love. It kind of glows pink from one angle (depending on the lighting.) But looks deep wine red from the other angle.

Photo examples.

Now it has to be noted that this silky feel causes rub marks. I don’t mind that, but it drives some people crazy. And I’ve yet to see but, vacuuming lines could be weird till it rubs back out.

wax on/ wax off

baby finger lines

Overall I think this rug is gorgeous. I really wasn’t expecting to be this blown away.

If I can’t own a “real rug” this beauty really does my heart good.

Can’t wait for my other one to arrive!

After all this, I will never watch “The Big Lebowski” the same -- I now deeply relate to his need to get his rug back. (His looks like a “real rug” too -- if so, that’s actually no small theft! I had zero perspective when I watched it before.) 

Anyway, since I’m taking the time to blog…

I wanted to show you my (more than likely) plans for my entryway dresser (that I once got free on the curb.)

nail head trim!

via

This exact dresser is linen wrapped. But I plan to just paint and add nail heads -- which will be silver thumb tacks from dollar tree. The linen wrapped version is $2,700. If mine works it will cost me maybe $30 in paint, hardware and tacks. Sweet! (But lets not count the hourly wage I won’t be paying myself to nail all those in! yikes! I’m up for it…I think. ; )  )

I haven’t put my finger on what exactly the mirror needs -- I’ll probably need to finish the dresser before I know.

Ok, well I hope you enjoyed this update.

Still not sure when and what I’ll be blogging, still very sad, still very disheveled.

But I’m doing it in style -- at least my house is -- my current personal style is still yoga pants all day every day. And I don’t care. But I have started washing my hair. 

Stream of Consciousness

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

Thoughts swirl.
My whole life comes up in unexpected memories. Ones I’ve not touched in ages.
My kids ask me questions, upon questions, about stuff I can’t focus on.
Random things that people have said to me since he died, especially the stuff I don’t like, plays back without warning.
I don’t know who to talk to.
I don’t know what I’d want to say.
I’d like to cry. But when I do it hurts so much I have to turn it back off, so my heart doesn’t stop.
When I don’t cry for long enough everything gets more confusing.
I’ll be driving and everything falls in front of my face and then I’m trying not to cry again, because that kind of cry isn’t safe for driving.
I visit certain hugs from the funeral again and again, with as much tangible sensation as I can muster.
I take breaks from myself and furiously shop for a rug for my living room, and plan out every makeover this house can hold -- just so I can see things that are soft and pretty and quiet.
I’m mad at everyone.
Everything is SO trivial.
All I want to see is everyone I haven’t seen since I was little. I’m so tired of no one knowing all that I’m carrying, every single day. I’m so tired of being someone who’s 'just now’ and not a whole person.
I’d like to be little again. Or if I can’t do that, could you all, from back then, be close again? I have been so alone.
But I can’t, so I wind up trying to piece a lot of everything together, because I forgot it all, and I need to know who I am. And I’m unable to hold it back -- my life's living itself over again, only quiet and alone this time, just for me - no one else is here with me, and nothing is in any order.

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

Try to put the laundry away, and remember this is not just your own life now, you are making theirs. Someday they will have memories of now. That feels big. What if their’s swirl like this?
Sit still for hours because if you don’t you won’t survive.
Other times sitting still brings shaking with near panic, so get out wall paint and touch up those missed spots just so you can fix something.
Try to make a grocery list and face the hardest-every-single-minute ordeal that "nothing-makes-any-sense and I-always-feel-homesick-because-I-have-no-family-hertiage-reciepes, no-memories-to-taste ---- I-don’t-know-how-to-be-a-mom, what-the-heck-do-I-feed-my-family food allergies", that you face every single second because kids are never not hungry. So try not to have a full mental breakdown, because remember…. this is not just your own life now, you are making theirs. But why do groceries have to be faced SO OFTEN? Why can’t I get a break? Why is EVERYTHING hard?

“What do I do with the Blog?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Ok.”

But the blog means something to me.
And it used to get me through that pregnancy that I didn’t think I’d get through.

Yeah but this is personal. And that’s the internet.
And you’ve lost your filter. Who knows what you are going to say.
You better just step away.

But how will I come back?
And what about the parts of me that still paint walls, and dressers? And have things that could help someone with something random and small but big?

But won’t it look weird if all you type is that stuff? Not not how you are broken and devastated and how you are irrevocably, something all together different now. (As if you weren’t already different enough initially.)

But what if I just need some time to be away from the sad? What if I just need to keep living?

You’re selling me kid. That’s a solid argument.



“Mommy, is it lunch time yet? I’m hungry.”
Looks at the clock it’s quarter to 10:00.
Seriously?
What do I feed you now?
Pull out food that normal people wouldn’t consider food, or at least not a meal.
Give them said “food."

Go sit alone trying not to break.
Come back in the room.
Try to see just a couple nice things (new babies and such) on Facebook, and NOTHING else. If you’ve ever thought Facebook is annoying under normal circumstances….. new level right here. 
Saw babies, close Facebook as fast as possible.
Weigh out the now very-vast-feeling question, “What should I do with today?” Too heavy. Reword.  “How do I get through today?”
Too heavy. Reword.
“What’s the one thing that feels do-able right now?” Do that. Repeat question when that doesn’t feel doable anymore. See if that gets you to tomorrow.

.

.

.

via

.

.

.
more thoughts
.
.
.
...
sometimes numb nothing
…
.
.
.
.
sometimes pointless thoughts
sometimes huge thoughts
but often too many thoughts
.
.
.
circle back
.
.
.

“What do I do with the Blog?”

.

.

.

falls back into swirling

I’m still in a haze.

I just wanted to give you an update on where I am at.

I’m still in a haze. I can’t write everything out yet. I think I want to at some point. But for right now, I just want to write where I’m at.
     I first learned of my brother’s condition (which we didn’t initially realize was so critical) on January 15th. He actually died and was revived that day. My parents (who live in Illinois, as do I) flew out to California where he was. I wished I could go too, but there was no way.
     There was a lot going on in the hospital to ensure where things really were. After great care was given, it was seen that he did not have any brain function. A lot of time and effort were spent ensuring there really was no chance of function, so his official date of death was January 21st.
      He was able to donate organs, which was a comfort to us. So between that delay, and the delay in bringing his body home (which was rather shocking in how long that took to clear all the official hurdles), as well as the kind consideration in not having his funeral land directly on my birthday (February 2nd) as it would have from all the delays…his funeral was February 3rd.

So one week ago today I was there, at the funeral.
I stayed with my parents and some extended family and friends until Saturday, when I came back to my house with the kids.
Monday was the first day where I was back to “normal” --- meaning being a mom of three kids, while being super duper sad.
So far I’ve not done much of anything other than keep us alive. I’ve taken baths at night, but I barely ever wash my hair. I haven’t bothered with makeup. I essentially live in the same clothes, which are basically pajamas/yoga pants/teeshirt/sweater. I haven’t really left the house. (Well I did go to a thrift store looking like a pj-zombie -- just to have some non-mom time.) I skipped church.
Sleeping has been really hard to do since the funeral. But I’ve never been so soul weary and exhausted in my life. I hate admitting it’s bedtime because I really hate that quiet darkness. But in the morning I can’t imagine why getting out of bed would be a good thing.
I’ve found strength in coloring the last two days. It gives me focus and takes wild thoughts and gives them paths.
I think this may be a year of art for heart's sake. I sense an art supply shopping spree coming on. Need better color pencils… need water color paper… need………...

Coloring page found here.

At some point in my life, I’ve watched a couple movies and shows where people “Sit Shiva” which is the Jewish mourning tradition. I looked it up today. To see what it is specifically. And It’s good. And it’s fairly similar to what I’ve been doing. I of course was not doing all of it -- but the heart and soul of it for sure.
Its spending the 7 days after the burial, essentially doing nothing (my terrible summary may sound irreverent to those who observe, I don’t mean it that way.) People wear mourning clothes, no one does make up or shaves, you cover up the mirrors, you sit on low seats to symbolize how you feel, you don’t leave the house, and you honor the mourning process together.
I wish everyone got this tradition, not just Jews. I wish everyone knew that for at least 7 days after a funeral you get to wear sack cloth and not give a single thought to anything else.
I think it hit me especially that it’s the 7 days after the burial. Because for us it took so long to get to the burial. And the emotions were quite different after that moment. I was sad before. And sad after. But the realness changed things.
So I guess today is officially my last day of “Shiva.” Makes me wonder if I should start washing my hair yet.

I’m not going to worry about it. I’m gonna end my Shiva when I end my Shiva.

But when I’m ready I really liked this part of Shiva’s ending:
Isaiah 60:20 is recited “No more will your sun set, nor your moon be darkened, for God will be an enteral light for you, and your days of mourning shall end.”
And mourners may take a short walk around the block to symbolize their return to society.