Thursday, January 23, 2014

Let's Get Down To Brass Tacks

I had a mini conversation on Facebook about Brass. And how its back. And... mainly it resulted in horror.



Something I love about Pinterest is it's a nonstop stream of learning for me.
And while in that stream I stumbled apon a couple interior designers who pin stuff I really like. So I was looking through their boards and they had boards named "Brass is Back."

I was like "Wait, What!?"
I, like you (I'm sure), had begun to associate brass with the monstrosities we are constantly removing from homes--- those brass 80's updates. I like, most who like to DIY, had begun to think the ONLY way to deal with brass stuff was spray paint  -- because I assumed brass was just the worst thing known to man.
But because I really liked these designer's tastes I decided to check their pinterest boards claiming Brass is Back. I was sure my opinion of these designer's was about to plummet. But I clicked anyway.
And suddenly my eyes were opened.

Brass is not ugly.
Its a thing of beauty that has long been abused by gross misuse.
If you do brass right its fantastic!


Skeptical? I know I was too.
Take a leap with me...just peak at my brass board here.


Seriously,
I pinned these for you just click here and humor me for one moment.

See what I mean...
Pretty.
Pretty prettiness.

Ok so why (besides the fact that these photos are pretty) am I getting on board the brass is back train?

Well, there are a few reasons.

1) It kinda blew my mind. Like in the best way. Like in a way that taught me to just go with what looks good --- not what everyone thinks you need to go with. (I mean yeah, this is trendy now, but simultaneously, its kinda of a secret to most people. So if I go and put brass back in my house, some people are gonna come over and immediately comment (or think) about how that must be painted or changed because its dated, just going on whats been normal for some time now.)
 I too had thought "ew" when I heard the word brass. But do you know I had pinned a lot of these pins earlier without even noticing there was brass in there? Yeah it just looks so right it didn't draw any attention to itself. So until looking at these brass boards and being informed that "Brass is Back" I would have shied away from, and painted over, all things brass because I would have thought that was what we are supposed to do.
These boards were an "ahah moment" for me. It really woke me up to just going with what I like, even if someone else says "no." (This applies of course to more than brass.)

2) After years and years of people taking out brass and displaying just stainless and nickel, with only oil rubbed bronze (which is essentially black) for warmth, houses have become very cool toned. And that can start to feel sterile and chilly. Adding bronze back in warms up the world, it feels like a smile to me -- like the laughing real smiles of friends, not the posed pretty smiles of "perfection." Cozy, real, a little earthy, but gorgeous. Feels like home. 

On...Moving...On...

Moving is so strange.
Some people crave it, and crave change. I, on the other hand, am the opposite -- craving consistency, struggling with change. Moving is one of the biggest change you can make, because its changes almost everything in your whole world and life.


I thought since I was moving to somewhere I used to live, it wouldn't feel like moving at all.
But I was wrong.
I was gone from here for two years.
And they were a couple of really hard, intense, and strong years.


I thought it would feel like Iowa didn't happen. That it would just fade away like a dream.
But so far, it hasn't.
And at any given moment in the day I will stop seeing what I am in the middle of doing and I will be back in Iowa, hands still moving in Illinois, eyes seeing nothing but places I can't see. Most of them are pregnancy memories. Fighting for what I felt I needed most in the world.


It's an odd feeling.


We live in a new house.
But we still own our old house.
Our old house is rented out.
Until we were back here I didn't really face where I was.

We live across town from our old house, so for awhile I didn't see it. But then one night we had to go back to it to check on some appliances for our renters. We had the girls with us, so I waited in the van with them while Blake went inside. They longer we sat there the harder my life-worlds collided.

In front of our old house for Blake's PhD Graduation

So weird to be outside my home that's not mine.
So weird that the last time we were living there Jasmine was Ruby's age.
So weird that as much as I loved living there, loved becoming a mom, and missed things about that time and place...
that I was recoiling from it all.
It was like opening an ache I thought I was over.

You'd think after all my blogging, I would be totally in touch with my c-section aches. But I guess I wasn't fully.  I was starting to think they were healed up. But being in the places where the aches onced ached, I was bowled over. All I could think was "this is where I did this, because I hurt." over and over again about all sorts of different things.
When I wasn't in that location I could remember the actual parts of motherhood -- baby snuggles, crawling and stumbling steps. But when I was back there, I just felt the ouches of things I fought. It was disappointing to know how weak that made me feel.

I've been back in that area a few times now since moving, and when I am there I face streets I walked I so I could lose the baby weight --- because somehow I blamed my weight on not going into labor. I spent all my time after having a baby becoming healthy, not for healthy sake, but for beating what beat me. All my time learning, not to know, but to overcome. And not in a sane healthy way. Out of maniacal desperation. And all my memories from that places are laced with the allconsumingness of that. And it disappoints me.

And surprises me.

I had started to think maybe I was over thinking it, and over talking it, here on the blog. That maybe I was confused and that it wasn't such a big deal. And that maybe I needed to back off it a bit, because maybe its not real for anyone. But the good thing about facing it down again, is that it reminds me how real it is. And it renews my desire to minister to other women who fight the fight of birth trauma. Because it really is a very real thing, and it really does change you forever.

{I mean, it's not always for the worst. But it does change you. And once you are changed, you can't be the original.
And to be very honest with you, I don't want to be the Lydia I was before.
And to be honest, I like this Lydia a lot better. Especially the Lydia I am now, after two kids. Not just because I VBACed, but more because having two kids has knocked tons of my pointy edges off. I still have pleanty, and I still need way more refining. But I like who I am now more than who I was before. Even if a lot of what I went through and what I go through (the c-section, and more, like never sleeping - ever) are not what I would choose for myself -- I like what they eventually do to me. Make me more real and more accessible. It hurts. It hurts over and over. And the work seems to get harder and harder all the time. But I can see progress. And I like where it brings me.}

But anyway.
Moving.
Its hard.
Even when you move back to where you were.
Because you can't be who you were before.
And now you have to fit into a space differently and be ok with it.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Making some head way....feeling more like a home


Remember how I said I was going to be blogging more regularly...oh...ummm....

Yeah, 
I'm totally playing the "busy card" sorry.
I have no idea how Young House Love is always blogging when they are so busy! (I mean, yeah I know, our situations are a bit different, and they are getting paid to do what they do...but still! I'm impressed.)

Ok so last I left you, we had gotten sick at new years.

So we are better. It took a while. And we threw in an ear infection about a week later for Jasmine, just for good measure. But we are all better now.

So somewhere in the last two weeks wow almost three weeks since I last wrote, we accomplished this stuff:

Blake's parents and grandma came to visit/ see our house for the first time. And while they were here, Blake's dad helped Blake lay our vinyl sheet flooring out in the sun room.
You may remember our debacle buying this flooring, and how I was worried that it wasn't going to look right in there, since I didn't actually get to pick it out. But it looks fantastic. I'm not sure I would have picked this floor out of all the flooring in the world, but I'm seriously glad it happened. Fate chose better than I would have. You might recall that we thought vinyl sheet was our best choice out there (we thought real tile would be too cold -- this room isn't really going to be heated much, since it has electric heat, and we didn't want carpet out there getting muddy.) And if I had over thought it I'd probably have tried to find one with a tile look, but it's really hard to pull that off convincingly, especially in this scenario where I didn't want kitchen looking stuff. So what we ended up with is a concrete look, and it has just the right tones for this space. I think its perfect! I love it. (Good job Blake.)

On a side note about the room: I'm thinking we will leave the wood.(Which is why its so great the vinyl has perfect tones for the room as is.) At first I was totally set on painting the space. And Blake was totally set on keeping the wood. Then in one of those rom-com meets real life moments we literally told each other at the exact same time that we would be ok with their idea. What got me to his side? The fact that the wood is cedar. I couldn't tell that with the pet smells in the house, but once the house was clean, I walked in there and was enchanted by the cedar scent. (I've always loved the smell of cedar. I had this tiny cedar box I got on vacation as a kid and I would just open it and smell it all the time.) So I don't think I can say good bye to the smell. (Paint would kill it.) So I'm gonna learn to love the look and make it work for me. And I know Blake will love keeping the wood.

Anyway... more stuff we've done.

I also finished painting all the closets white --- finally.

Jasmine's Room -- those are mostly play princess dresses up there. Lucky girl.


So that means I've gotten all our bed room stuff unpacked finally!

Ruby's Room -- before I unpacked it

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Twas The Night Before Christmas (And a Bunch of Other Days)

Warning: Long Post. We've been up to tons!


This morning I am nearly giddy with peaceful delight (that's possible right? Giddily peaceful? Must be.) as I settle into my life here.
Its really only this morning that I finally came to the conclusion that I really actually I live here.
So I'm just a wee bit thrilled as it sinks in.

I haven't been writing because I have been nonstop doing.
And with each moment of work I somehow couldn't get the idea out of my head that I was working a job. It started because when I was working on the floors I was commuting back and forth to this house like a job. And it was my only real experience of "working" as a mom, so it felt really convincing.

Our moving in was really hectic, really unconventional, really spread out, and sporadic.

Before I back up and tell the tale, I wanna make sure you know I'm not whining about any of this. I was fairly stressed out a few days there before we all moved in here, but since we've been all together again I've been a lot more relaxed. Of course I still have had some mommy burn out moments -- but that's me no matter the surrounding circumstances.
The tale I'm about to tell is full of craziness. But I just don't want it to come across as a pity party, because I'm actually really, really excited about living here. And I walked into the idea of buying this house knowing it would be tons of work. (And it's really not very much work at all when I compare it to my parents' house they re-did -- now THAT was a lot of work! But I digress.)


The Friday before Christmas the movers brought our stuff here. The floors had just been finished two days prior -- giving it just enough time to cure. (Like I mentioned, it was a GOOD thing we hired a pro because his floor chemicals dried way faster and better than what we were using. The Minwax stuff may have literally taken a week or more to dry through...despite the can stating otherwise.)
Blake was still in Iowa finishing his last minute stuff there.
So the movers packed up our stuff in Iowa with Blake (although he was at work) and then they brought it here to me. I left my mom's house really early (but not as early as I meant to because I didn't correctly hit snooze on the ipad -- oops) and got down here to meet them.
They were really nice, a father and son, and as the moved things in the kept asking me, "Where would you like this, Mrs. Johnson?" and it was throughly entertaining to me. I don't really have any instances where I am referred to so formally so it was giving me the mental giggles. Being in such a grown up situation and feeling still so non-grown-up. I also was feeling like I was falling back into time. This house was built in 1962, and I was starting to feel like I was back in 1962. I was starting to feel like I was in a Mad Men episode or something.

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